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My mother is the strongest, most funniest, most craziest person I know. At one point she stood 230 pounds and didn't mess around. You see my mother is from Jamaica and you can see and hear her coming. Today my mother shrunk down to a whopping 150 pounds if that. She is so quiet and medicated and it is so sad. Now when I see her she is the total opposite of what I remembered. You see my mother is dying of bladder cancer, the doctors gave her 6 months if that. I am pissed off, angry, upset and teary eyed. This past weekend, I had to make the decision to put my mother in hospice care. I don't think I will ever get over the guilt, sadness and pain of making such a decision. Many years ago my mother battled leukemia and won, today not so much. I believe for awhile I've been in denial but today not so much. In the past few days I have lashed out on everyone including my sister, I have told her I will disown her after my mother passes. I am angry. I know that I will lose my lover, my friends and some business due to this process. I am not doing well. I am crying so much, not eating and not sleeping, sometimes I cannot even breathe. Basically right now I hate everything and everyone. I know that I will never be the same, I am sick of people telling me "Be Strong" I can't. I really can't and I want to. Currently I know if I don't get some control I could possibly have a heart-attack that's how much pain I am in. I don't know what to do. I just don't.

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HUGS ... I am so sorry you are going through this terribly difficult time.  Seeing a loved one go through all of that is so heartbreaking.  Last year I saw my mom very sick and quite medicated and I saw the life slowly leave her over a 6 week period prior to her passing.  That was the hardest thing I have gone through in my whole life.  In looking back on this, I think about the alternative if she hadn't been in the hospital and on the medications.  The medications that kept her in a sedated state is what kept her from being in pain.  She did have lucid periods where she could respond with hand gestures and I took those opportunities to tell her what a good mom she has been and how much I loved her.  I also felt guilty but the truth is, we want what is best for our loved ones and that means little or no pain.  That was the bottom line for me with the decisions I had to make.  

 

In sharing what worked for me with the feelings of anger toward my siblings (and the whole world) was to just stay focused on my mom being comfortable and my precious time with her.  What helped me with the extreme sadness of the situation was to pray.  I kept asking GOD to get me through this.  After all, there was really nothing anyone could say to me that helped me to feel better ... I reached out to the only ONE who could help.  Although HE didn't get my mom better, I somehow I got through those 6 weeks and today when the sadness hits me (and it does) I continue to go to HIM for comfort and HE delivers.

 

If I could make a suggestion, it would be to try to keep the focus right now on YOU and your mom.  Take care

 

Cindy Jane 

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I know what you're going through, I lost my mom to bladder cancer in August of 2012, unless someone has had to grapple with a decision regarding hospice they don't truly understand. First and foremost, you have nothing to feel guilty about, hospice aims to improve the dying person's quality of life-that is something you can feel proud you helped to initiate. Whether it's out of grief, ignorance, lack of understanding or a million other reasons, many people believe hospice=giving up on the person and just "letting them die". This can be an opportunity to educate, let people know that hospice isn't just about a person dying-it's actually quite the opposite. Hospice helps a person LIVE their life with as much comfort as possible, with dignity...I love this quote from Dr Atul Gawande relating to palliative care and hospice: "I am very worried about the idea that the goal is a good death. The goal is a good life as much as possible all the way until the very end". I want to add that I'm a nurse and actually worked with hospice early in my career, but when my mom was the patient my heart was constantly trying to overrule my head-even though I knew she was suffering and any "treatment" at that point was futile, I had always thought this would be a no-brainer for me until it was ME in that position.

Everything else your feeling is absolutely normal, as I watched my mom slowly die, I was mad at the world-I hated everyone and everything. I am the only child of a single mom, now here she was dying, I was mad at her for leaving me alone in this world (I am married with 2 kids, but that didn't matter). I cried, I isolated myself, I lost 25 pounds in a couple months, I shut down, I lashed out, I exploded, I broke things, I thought I was crazy. During the midst of this my mother-in-law gave me a book about grief, I refused to open it, until the day I had one of my biggest meltdowns...I saw that book laying in the same spot I had left it weeks before, that's also the day that I discovered everything I was feeling and doing was NORMAL, who'd of thought it? I learned there was no "right" way to grieve and that there is no timeframe to grieving, you just have to go through it to get through it. I wish you peace and if you need to talk or vent...please post, I'll listen.

Oh yeah, that "Be Strong" that I got all the time made me sick, I always wanted to respond back with "I can't wait to see how strong you are if, Heaven forbid, you have to deal with something like this...then you can be my new role model".

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Angry?  Of course you are angry... so was I.  Something like this places a lot of stress on everyone.  I fought with my brother, I also fought with the nurses at the hospital as my dad lay in bed suffering through his last weeks with us.

 

And for everyone who told me to be strong... I listened to them and thanked them... I realized they were doing their best to help.  But, I did not dwell on it.

 

What got me through these final weeks was a 110% commitment to dad.  Sit by his bedside.  Get him ice chips for his mouth.  Buy him treats and bring them to the hospital.  Rub lotion on his legs, adjust his pillows.... and on and on.  It kept me busy and it also gave me a purpose.  It gave me some element of control back.  I knew I was losing him, but I committed to doing everything I could to make him comfortable in the final days.

 

Dad passed on the 16th, and even now I look back and take comfort in knowing that I did all I could for him, no matter how small.

 

Focus on your mom now.  Deal with the anger and everyone else later.  That's what helped me survive.

 

Take care of yourself.

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When a child loves their mom so much, it's in our nature to want THE BEST care for them.  Your emotions are normal and you have every right to feel each one.  Don't hold your feelings back - as long as there is no harm to you or others - my suggestion is to continue to feel.  You could possibly write your feelings down on paper because when you lash out at others, keep in mind, words hurt.  You need those who love you and her for support - to lean on to see you through rough times.  I too had to call hospice in for my mom and within 24 hours of them taking over, she was gone.  I know in my heart they did the possible best for my mom.  I wish I had my mom back - I've never gone this long without talking to her or seeing her (she just died on the 10th of March) - hold on to the moments you're given with your mom.  Hug her and tell her you love her - I'd give anything to be able to see her smile.  Keep your chin up and don't be so hard on yourself - your mom knows you love her!  <3

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