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Wanting to break up w/ my boyfriend after my mother's death?


AngelaLisa

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I am experiencing some unusual emotions after losing my mom about one month ago. I lost her extremely suddenly and unexpectedly. I lived with my mom and dad and not having her here has been very very hard. 

 

I have been with my boyfriend now for about 2 years and he really is a great guy. We are both 21 years old. He has been at my side during my moms death and he is considered part of the family. Unfortunately, after my mom passed, i have been feeling very insecure about myself. I can feel myself becoming unreasonably irritated with him and i know i start arguments with him for no reason. I do not know why and i wish i could control myself but i really cant. I do not feel like myself and i think that if i were to break up with him i would be able to grieve my moms death without having to worry and stress over my relationship. i feel like a burden to him because he can go on in his life and be happy and i cannot. I really try to be my cheery self but i am a different person now. He does not ask me how i feel about my moms passing and i know he does that because he doesn't want me to be upset, but it just makes me resent him. I know he loves me and i love him too but this just feels like it is blocking me from being able to grieve.

 

Even if i do break up with him, i don't know what my reasoning would be. I feel confused and I don't know why i am having these feelings. Has anyone else been in a relationship while grieving and felt this way too? Would it be beneficial for my mental health to be on my own?

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vampyremelayah

My boyfriend and I went through something similar when my mom passed last year. In early October I had been feeling that he was becoming more distant, what with added stress from his job. We'd been together 6 years, and I figured we could work through it.

But when mom was diagnosed with cancer, midway through October, everything changed. I went through frequent mood swings, had panic attacks, even suicidal thoughts. I tried talking to my boyfriend, but it often times didn't feel like he was fully there for me, even thigh he always listened to my worries. One of his friends and I began hanging out more, and we became really close. And, with my judgment clouded, I cheated on my boyfriend.

I almost broke up with him the night my mom died, just hours before it happened (though I had no way of knowing it was that night). But we talked it out. And to this day I am so thankful that we did.

What you need to do is talk to him. Let him know what you need, whether it's simply to let you cry or for him to ask how you are. I still have times now where I have to remind Jake that grief isn't a straight line to recovery. It hurts, and it can make you do and think irrationally. But that's all part of it. If you think you'll be better off ending things, do so, but don't be afraid to include him in your grieving process. Don't think of yourself as a burden to him. If he loves you, he will stand by you no matter what.

Ultimately you should do what makes you happy. But talk to him first. Grief is always made easier by a friend.

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TheRayneBadger

I found myself feeling distant with my boyfriend (we've been together 4 years) on and on since my mom passed away last year. I think its the fear of abandonment...for me at least. Its easier to "push someone away" and think that they're not "giving their all" because its not as hard for them too..they're not hurting in the same way so it can seem like you're very alone...I lashed out..wanting my boyfriends attention...and going through periods of telling him repeatedly that he didn't understand even though he was trying...grief can feel very lonely...I think we all feel a little crazy and like we are burdens..and it leads us to push on those we love sometimes... I don't have the answers...but you gotta do whats right for you...if thats with him or without him, but don't let your grief isolate you..you do need people..I think its just hard in all aspects of life...

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Grieving_Daughter

Hi Angela Lisa, 

First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss of your mother. I hope you are doing ok considering everything you’ve gone through.  I know it’s been 7 years since you posted this question and topic but I really hope you can see this message after so much time because I’m going through the same thing. My father passed away suddenly and I’ve been feeling and behaving the same with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was searching for this topic and found yours.

Did you end up breaking up with your boyfriend? How has life been for you since? I’m really lost and confused on what to do myself. Your words echo my exact feelings lately. Hope you can write back if possible.  
 

thank you 

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I also went through a divorce. we had problems in marriage before and my husband's father died of a heart attack. My wife wanted a divorce 23 days after her father's death, only to get divorced and she never contacted me again. I wanted to talk about divorce but she said she just wanted a divorce and she never gave up on her decision... it's been almost a year but I still have a hard time accepting it... Our 10-year relationship ended so abruptly..I'm still trying to convince myself...

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