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The loss of both my parents


slm824

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I grew up an only child living with both my parents who were married for 23 years. Both of them were always so loving to me, especially my mom. We were all close, but me and her were extremely close. 3 years ago I moved out for college but would still come visit my parents every week because they only lived 25 minutes away. During those 3 years, my parents' relationship changed a lot. Last year in November, I found out my dad met another woman online and was going to leave my mom and I. Through out that year before finding this out, my moms health seemed to be declining. She always had bad knee problems but she reached the point of being almost immobile because of her pain. My dad felt like he was a "caretaker" and wanted to leave. When I found out I was devastated but my mom was very strong and told me we would be fine. My dad promised he wouldn't leave until I graduated college in May and my mom and I decided we would live together. Thanksgiving came and my mom was in very bad shape. She couldn't get up and was shaking and unresponsive. She got rushed to the hospital that day and they said she had cellulitis which was an infection that spread through her body. She had been dealing with lymphedema where her legs were swelling up with water and it turned into the cellulitis infection. Thanksgiving was the first time I saw my dad cry. He cried because of what was happening to my mom but still continued to talk to the other woman. They kept her in a rehabilitation center to clear out the infection and help her go through physical therapy to get her back into walking. For those months I visited her a lot. She would mostly be in bed but we would have good talks and we stayed hopeful that she would get into better shape to come home. During this time, my dad rarely visited her. He spent Christmas with the woman he met online while my mom was in the hospital. In January, my mom suddenly had a turn for the worse. She started turning yellow and was not wanting to eat. I would call her room and she wouldn't answer the phone or she wouldn't make sense with what she was saying. I would go to the hospital and she looked as if she was in very bad pain she told me she was hurting and a couple days went by and both days she got worse. A doctor came to the center and took her blood and X-rays. I was in class and got a phone call from my dad saying she was moved to the hospital because they were doing a procedure. When I went to the hospital, the doctor sat me down and told me my mom had stage 4 pancreatic cancer and that she had most likely 3 months to live. I was devastated but I knew I had to be strong for my mom. I had just started my last semester in school but went to the hospital every single day. The first day we had a good talk. I wouldn't let myself cry in front of her I kept telling her I was going to be okay because I knew that's all she wanted and would tell her I loved her as much as I could. Each day my mom got worse. She was screeching and crying and telling out names of her family members that weren't there. Every time the nurses tried to help her she would scream and say they were beating her. She cried in pain and was scared because she didn't know what was going on unless she had morphine. When she would open her eyes and look at me they would be wide filled with tears and fear. Finally, during her last 2 days, she seemed more peaceful. She slept and slept. I had visited her the morning she passed away. She looked the most peaceful I had seen her and she wouldn't wake up even when I touched her. I sat with her and told her I loved her and have her a kiss. Two hours after I left, I got a call that she passed away. When it happened, I cried but I felt relieved. Then I didn't cry for a month it was like I was in shock. My dad was very upset too but didn't show it. The following months, my dad cleared out our home and moved out of the state with the woman. It has been 9 months since she passed away and I have graduated and got a job. My dad rarely talks to me. I'm 23 years old and don't have my mom or my dad anymore. Lately I've been having nightmares about what happened to my mom. I always think of the good times but part of me is traumatized from what I saw her go through within the 2 weeks of her being diagnosed to her passing. I miss my mom more than anything I don't understand why the one person who loved me more than anything had to be taken from me. Even though my dad's alive, it's like I've lost him too. All he cares about is his new life. He won't talk to me about my mom and when I try to bring it up he gets mad at me. I just can't get over what she went through her last months of being alive. Knowing my dad was going to leave her, me being devastated about it, how scared she probably felt. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. I suffer from anxiety and don't have health insurance to get counseling. It just eats at me. I don't know what to do and I am scared I will have issues for the rest of my life because of it. I can't talk to my friends about it too much because they get uncomfortable so I suppress it. I just wish someone could help me.

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I am so sorry to hear your story about your Mom.  She sounded like a special person.  It is so hard to lose the main support in your life.  I hope that you can find some comfort in these posts.  I also like to read grief quotes in Pinterest.  There is a really good grief board that people share stories and coping mechanisms for loss.

 

I lost my dad and my son on Fathers day and my life is now forever changed.  It is difficult to cry so much and feel so down.  I am trying to keep busy with my job but it is difficult to focus on things.  Everything seems to be in slow motion.  I don't feel normal and everyday is different.  I wish I could tell you it gets better but it doesn't .. this is a journey ... hopefully someday we can feel a little better.

 

peace and prayers to you and your Dad...I hope he finds a path to you.

 

 

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slm824 - I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom.  Your mom was a very strong and courageous person who was very lucky to have such a caring and loving daughter as yourself.  You were there for her every step of the way and that's A LOT more than what most children can say for themselves.  I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad.  It must be extremely difficult to not even be able to talk about with him and see him move on with someone else.  It sounds like he's in quite a bit of denial not only about your mom's passing, but with his life in general.  You are so young to have lost your mom so I'm sure it's really hard to find peers or friends who have experienced a similar loss and don't get all uncomfortable.  I'm 15 years older than you and even my friends get quite uncomfortable so I don't talk about it with them either.  When I have really needed to vent or "talk", I've used this forum which does really help. 

 

In regards to you reliving the trauma, I know exactly what you mean. I recently posted something similar that I keep replaying the last week of my mom's life...even the months/weeks leading up to it.  It's hard to get such a traumatic experience out of your head and not play it over and over.  I tell myself it was only a few weeks in my mom's entire life, but those terrible memories keep coming up. It's been only 8 months for me and it's not as intense anymore, but I still think about it all the time.  I don't know if I have any advice to offer, but I do know how you feel. 

 

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