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Sudden loss of a mother.


AngelaLisa

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Hello Everyone,

 

I have never posted on a forum before but I feel that a strangers' point of view might help me most. It has been exactly one month today since my Mom died. She was only 47 years old and I myself am only 21. My mom passed away from a lung disease called Acute respiratory distress syndrome. She passed away about 4 weeks after her diagnosis. It was all very sudden and extremely traumatic.

 

I have never lived without my mom and although it has already been a month, I still have to remind myself daily of her passing. It truly has not hit me yet and I am curious if this has happened to anyone else? I was inconsolable the day she passed but I feel like I should be more sad on a daily basis (if that makes sense). I think that the fact that my brain has not grasped that she is gone is affecting my ability to grieve. The only emotion i have been feeling is guilt. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for so many different reasons. I feel guilt that this happened to her when she was so young and extremely healthy. I feel guilt that she spent her life serving her community as a police officer and that she did not deserve this. I feel guilt that i did not treat her as well as I should have. I feel guilt because I would absolutely love to believe that there is some sort of after-life and that she is reunited with her loved ones but i do not totally feel that way. I feel guilt that I never got to tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me. The list of reasons that I feel guilt is endless and it does not feel normal to feel so guilty. Why do I feel guilt more than sadness? Why has this not hit me yet? 

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AngelaLisa,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm 23 but lost my mom in February when I was 22. Her death was also sudden only having two weeks from diagnosis to her passing.

The day I found out that she had terminal cancer and was going to pass away, I cried and cried and cried. For 2 days straight I cried. After that, I visited her every day and I think my body went into strength mode because I didn't want her to see me cry. I was devastated inside but I wasn't crying as much. The day she passed away, I cried for 20 minutes and weirdly went on with my life. I was with all of my friends that night, got dinner and I was laughing with them. The next day I visited her sisters and still couldn't cry. Two days after she passed away I went to school and sat in class, got all my work done, and continued my daily routines. I thought something was wrong with me too. 2 weeks after she passed away I was out at the bars with my friends as if nothing happened.

At the time I was going to counseling. My counselor told me I was in shock. She too noticed I wasn't crying. She explained to me how I should allow myself to cry when it comes and to not suppress it. I didn't know what to say because I couldn't cry physically. But I too felt guilty. I felt guilty for not being able to cry, for not being with her more, for what she went through, and for all the times I ever fought with her.

After about 2 months, it started hitting me more. April came and I realized she was really gone. There were nights I cried myself to sleep and days I didn't want to leave my bed. It has now been 9 months and I've just now joined this forum because it's been hitting me so hard. I know she's gone and I miss her so much. I think about her every day and wake up from dreams almost every night.

My best advice is to go to counseling if you can. When I went, it helped me a lot. But I don't have insurance anymore so I've been trying to deal with it on my own. Keep yourself busy with friends and other family and always remember to keep on living and keep moving forward. Your mom is no longer here but live a life that will make her proud. As weird as it sounds, I've gotten little messages here and there almost like signs that my mom is around me at times. Try not to feel guilty, think about all the times you told your mom you loved her and all the good times you had. And always allow yourself to cry even when you don't think you should be. There's going to be times you see, hear, or smell something that reminds you of her and it's just going to hit you. But let it. There's times I'm at work and I need to step out just to shed some tears. I feel so much better after. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through and I promise there's nothing wrong with you not being able to cry. Take it day by day and keep living life because that is what she would want. She's going to be part of you forever. Good luck with everything

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Grief comes in waves and guilt is part of that. We all grieve in our own way and it is normal to have guilt. We can't make our bodies be sad.  I had the same feelings as you when my father passed. I felt guilty that he died at 54 in prison. I felt like I should have done things differently and that it was unfair that I was cheated out of a relationship. I found myself being triggered by people talking about family members and running off and crying. I cried a lot before the funeral and then it was like I felt guilty and numb. Around the Christmas holiday it hit me and I couldn't stop crying. I then was like why am I so sad? Now I know it was my body and spirit cleansing its self of my loss.  Whatever you are feeling feel it. There is no right or wrong way to be. I had a good friend that I just cried on. It wasn't pretty but I trusted him and he let me be vulnerable.  

 

 It's okay to be vulnerable.

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