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Feels like it's getting worse, not better


keiko

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It's been almost 8 months since my mom passed away; it will be exactly 8 months in 1 week, 11/09.  Her birthday is two days away on 11/04 and she would have been 74 years old.  My dad's 2nd anniversary of his passing is on 11/11.  It's just too much right now and feels so overwhelming.  Compounding all of these days are the approaching holidays.  My mom started going downhill right around Thanksgiving of last year so it's dredging up a lot of unpleasant memories lately - she was in the hospital for Thanksgiving and a nursing home for Christmas so it's hard to think that's how we spent our last holidays together.  I know I should think about all the other great holidays we had and not the really one bad one, but my mind keeps replaying the bad still.  We also never got around to celebrating her last birthday because she was already feeling quite unwell.  I feel like things are getting harder also because it seems that my mom and dad are really gone.  I still can't believe I won't ever see or talk to them again,  I feel so small and alone in this world.  I feel so vulnerable without them around...that sense of security that only your parents can provide is just gone- even though I'm almost 40 years old, I feel like more than ever I need my mom and dad!  I try to remember the good times, but I'm still haunted by the last week of my mom's life.  I have so much guilt and regret over how impatient I used to get and I became frozen when I realized she was going to die that I couldn't even express to her how much I loved her and what she meant to me.  These are the things I struggle with and think about all the time.  I have my sister which helps a lot, but still only we know our own grief.  I also do resent that I have to practically remind people sometimes that my mom passed away and it's only been 8 months.  I get it, life goes one, but this is one of those things that unless you've gone through, you couldn't understand,.  My friends haven't had to sit there and watch their mom die (or anyone close to them) right in front of their eyes - it was truly is the worst and most painful thing and it hasn't lessened, but seems to only have intensified.  I know I'm avoiding a lot of my grief as I don't talk to it about anyone and when I do I seem to only end up more frustrated because they don't really get it or understand.  I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my life.  The last 5 years or so, my sister and I were caretaking both of our parents so my life revolved around them. I don't even know what to do with myself!  It's strange to go from that to just nothing.  Anyway I just needed to vent to people I know who understand.

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Hi Keiko

 

I am so sorry for your losses.  Losing a parent is so hard and losing both in such a short time is even harder.  I lost my dad a couple of months ago and my mom a year ago and it still stings.  In reading your post it is so obvious the love you had for both of them and without a doubt they knew that you did.  You looked after your mom and you were there through her illness.  Actions speak louder than words.  It is hard and I am guessing that it will be for a long time because of the love we have, especially like you mention on those special days, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.  Those are the times that we reflect on most and really miss them.  I personally am not looking forward to this Christmas so I decided to pick up some shifts at work.  I find that keeping busy doing good things helps us get through the pain of our loss.  I want to honour my parents' memory in trying to be the best person I can be ..... until we meet again.

 

Take care and know that you are not alone in this.  

 

Cindy Jane

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