Members TheRayneBadger Posted November 2, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 2, 2014 Hey there,I don't believe I've posted before...so I'll explain brief my situation...My mother passed away Sept 20th, 2013..so its been a bit over a year. She was only 49..just went to sleep and didn't wake up, a condition with her heart (ARVD I believe is what they called it). I was doing really badly the first year..just recently, things started looking up..for the first year, I barely cried...honestly lost myself in Prescription drug abuse...put myself in rehab in July, after Mom had passed away...I just self medicated until I was in a really bad place. Like I said, since I've been clean..things have been..better...as far as coping, but last night, I had a dream that just tore me up.In the dream..mom was standing in my driveway with me and she said "Its Halloween..you can come with me now, lets go"... (Basically like she was asking me to come...with her..if you get my drift, like..die.In the dream..I ran away from her, wouldn't "go with her", and she got upset...really upset. I woke up upset, riddled with guilt and feeling awful. =/ I guess it sounds stupid, that I'd feel guilty for not ya know..letting myself die in the dream, and I know that really WASNT mom..but...sigh =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindyjane Posted November 3, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 3, 2014 Hi RayneI am so sorry for your loss. Our minds can sure play games with us. Yet just as I believe in the spirit of GOD, I also believe in evil spirits and they mess with us too. They are deceiving and want to see is sad, sick, guilty, hopeless, fearful and every other feeling that God doesn't want us to have. Whether it was a bad dream or something messing with you.....reach out to the ONE who can bring you comfort and peace. I always tell people going through any kind of rough time to pray pray pray and then pray some more because HE listens. Ask Him to bring you peace of mind and peace in your heart...HE WILL DELIVER. Congratulations on going to rehab and staying clean. I have faith that you will stay clean and get through that bad dream and any other tough thing that comes up in life. take careCindy Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheRayneBadger Posted November 7, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted November 7, 2014 Thank you Cindy for your encouraging words. I do pray every night, I'm not super religious but I know that God does listen to me, it has just been so difficult. Me and my mother were best friends for years upon years, but we were estranged for 3 years before she passed away..I think thats the guilt...the thing that is so touchy in the situation is that...this attitude my mother had, is reminiscent of how she acted in life...we had a very unhealthy relationship (drank together, did drugs together) and then when I popped up pregnant with my son..its as though she became jealous of my son..she didn't want me to keep him, told me that I was choosing a "man" (my fiance) over taking care of her (she was mentally ill to some degree...). So we became estranged because I was having my son..she never met her grandkids..told me that *I* was selfish for not being able to drop everything and take care of her...when I had kids to think about too =/ It just is hard, because she would comment when I was younger, that if anything happened to me that she would just have to kill herself...so theres so much guilt in thinking that I'm still here..when thats the way she felt about me. I feel guilty for cutting her out the last 3 years even though there wasn't anything else I could have done..I feel guilty for even talking about her like this now, even though its the truth. She always would say that I was like her parent..instead of the other way around, and when I became pregnant with my son...I had to make choices that benefitted his life..not just hers. I don't know why I'm writing this out..even as I read this, it makes me feel that I'm evil for it. Its resentment, guilt, anger..but at the end of the day, its missing my best friend because we had some great times together..even if it WAS unhealthy. Does this make sense? =( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ldressle Posted November 8, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 8, 2014 Wow, what a dream. That sounds more like a nightmare to me. I am so sorry that your Mother appeared to you in this way. I think this must by symbolic of you missing your Mom and wanting to be with her but understanding that it isn't now. You are young and have time left on this earth. The hard part is figuring out how to move forward without the ones we used to have in our lives. What is the purpose? Why go on? It is much easier to turn to drugs and self medication. I am so glad you got help with prescription meds, they can be very addictive. Good job! Very difficult to recover from as well as the loss of your Mom. I hope you have a better dream with your mom soon!Prayers and hugsLisa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TheRayneBadger Posted November 10, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted November 10, 2014 Thank you <3 I've had good dreams of her too, and in those I'm happy and things are great. I've gotten better about it, since the prescription drugs have been gone..its been a lot easier to actually feel things...without having massive breakdowns about it out of nowhere. I just keep thinking "I'm not going to see her again..this is permanent" (Well until the afterlife) but the sense of permanence (in this life) is defeating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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