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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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What on Earth is this!?

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The person I chose as my brother passed away a month and 9 days ago. Chondrosarcoma. He was fine, and suddenly, by the end of January he could not walk anymore. It just came back. He suffered a great deal; it took the cancer about 8 months to kill him.

He had to go away to the United States for treatment because in Venezuela nothing would work. Our chemo seems to be outdated and useless for this type of cancer. He died over there, without me being able to go say goodbye because of my country's situation, which made me unbelievably angry. His family decided to scatter his ashes over there too, so closure has been hard to find for me.

I've been through a lot of pain, but I know now that he is gone and he is never coming back. A week ago his family returned and I went to visit. I saw his stuff, untouched, just as he left it and it just made me relive everything again. But somehow, it helped me understand even more what is going on. It gave me some closure, at last.

Now that I'm home again...I don't know what I'm feeling. I mean, I feel nothing. I'm not depressed or angry. I am not fine either, I just am. I have put everything aside because I have stuff to do, I am a Med student and I'm in the middle of endless tests now. I don't have the time to grieve or to be depressed. Is this acceptance? How come a week ago I was feeling EVERYTHING, and now I just... I have nothing. When does grief end?

I am very confused. I don't know what this is. I'm not sure if I built an abyss in between me and my feelings so I can cope with life or if after that tiny bit of closure I'm finally beginning to accept everything? Please, somebody give me an answer.


Thank you for your time.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.  I'm sure it was difficult to find closure when he was so far away when he passed away and you could not attend the funeral.  From what I understand, there are 5 stages of grief and you could go through any of the stages of grief at any time - even going through multiple stages at the same time.  The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You could very well be at acceptance now, but that could change tomorrow as there is no timetable for grief and we all process it differently.  I hope this helps a little

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