Lost my brother to suicide 3 weeks ago

[Sha13232]

My big brother suffered from depression on and off his whole life.  Lately, I thought we were beating it.  Talking hours (8+) a day.  We lived 1200 miles apart.  Anyway, he took several bottles of pills and took his life.  Parents gone.  Neither of us married or have children.  All we had --- was each other.  No family to speak of.  Dad was a holocaust survivor.  So, no aunts, uncles, etc.  We have some distant cousins but, really we had each other.  I hear my father in my head, to take care of him.  To remember --- he lost his sister in the concentration camps.  To remember to be close and take care of each other.  Now, I feel--- I failed.  I broke a promise to my father.  My brother was only 58.  My big brother.  My smart amazing brother, is gone.  I can't stop crying.  I can't get passed being alone in this world.  I can't get passed --- I couldn't help him.  I am stuck.... I miss him so much.  I am so angry that he left me on purpose.  He knew, I wanted to take care of him and that we needed each other.  I know in my head, he was in pain.  He was not sleeping, He was unhappy.  He wanted to stop the pain and his life from getting worse.  I know all that but, he took a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  And left me with a permanent loss.  That just can't be fixed.  What is normal?  How long will I feel this way.  I am reaching out.  Please tell me......

[ModKonnie]

Sha13232,

I am so very sorry for the devastating loss you have suffered. You did not fail your brother. There is no way on earth you are responsible for his behavior or his decisions. Obviously he had some deep struggles that you tried your best to help with, but that doesn't mean you were responsible for fixing them.

Please consider going to get some professional help, or please reach out to friends, coworkers or someone to talk with about how you feel.

 

Are you working or getting out at all? What do you do with your time? Do you have pets to nurture and cherish (crazy question, but I hope you are not completely alone).

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[Sha13232]

ModKonnie,  Thanks for answering.  I have a boyfriend (live in), we have 4 cats.  So, I am not really alone.  Just feel that way.  Alone as far as family.  I have a few good friends.  Most of which, I have not told them the cause of death.  So, they don't really understand me at this moment.  I am going out of the house, etc.  Taking care of the house (mostly) and stuff like that.  Just going through motions, just so -- so sad.  I just keep thinking, one more talk, one more day, one more might have helped.  I don't understand why I didn't see the signs.  Why he could leave me all alone in this world.  Why I couldn't get one more talk.  It might have changed his mind that day.  Not sure, how long people feel this sad.  When I lost my parents, I had my brother.  Why I lost friends, I had my brother.  When I lost anything, I had my brother.  Now, I don't.  He took apart of me with him.  I don't feel whole anymore...

[silentsister]

In February, it will be four years since we buried my oldest brother. He was only 32 years old when he committed suicide. He served overseas and he came home but he never really made it back, not really. He lived about 1200 miles from us too. We did not know he was struggling. He had reached out to someone and they knew he had attempted suicide once. That person had once loved him and they knew who we were and did not reach out to us to let us know. We learned this after his death. A few months after the attempt where he reached out to this person, he called us to say he was coming home. He never made it. He took his life at a rest step on the drive home.

It has been four years and I still feel his lost so intensely sometimes. Today, Veteran's Day, is one of those days. It just comes over me, this tightness in my chest, an overwhelming sense of despair. Anger. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. It doesn't always hurt. Sometimes it is just a sense of loss, wishing we could have time together, thinking about having dinner together, seeing him laughing and making jokes. I was wrapped up in my own life and me, being me, quiet, not being loud and outgoing like everyone else, I had let our relationship go. I was so excited to hear he was coming home. He was going to work at the same place I did and I thought about how we would be able to reconnect. I mourn for that loss, the loss of a future with him. I wonder if I had written and called more, if things would be different. Maybe. Maybe not. If the person had at the very least reached out to us, if we could have gotten him help, would he still be with us today? I still hold anger towards that person. People would probably say that I shouldn't stay angry, that I should let it go but he was my brother. How can someone know what she knew and not do anything? I hold everything inside. I don't share my thoughts and feelings with anyone about this. Sometimes I think, what right do I have when I had not seen him, spoken to him in a while. What right do I have to hurt when my mom lost her firstborn? So much was going on and I have always been the quiet one, the silent one, the strong one. My mom was separated from our stepdad and eventually went through a divorce. My other older brother was going through a divorce from a cheating wife and was really struggling with it and our brother's death. How could I add to all that my hurt? And so I stayed silent, strong outside while inside I cry and am ready to crumble. Most days I am fine. So many questions and there will never be answers.

With all that said, it is hard to say what is normal. You might be thinking, "Oh, great. That really gives me hope." I didn't share my story with you to make you feel sad, like there is no hope or light ahead. I shared it so you know you aren't alone. So you know that when you are angry or sad, that you know that is normal and perfectly okay. There are ups and downs. Good days and bad. It might sound SO very cliche, but you really do have to take it one day at a time. Remember the good times. Look at pictures. Write down your memories of your brother so when you are having a rough day, you can have a reminder that might lift your spirits. Find someone to talk to. Reach out to a support group. You will move forward. You will laugh. You will be happy. And that's okay.

[CCaraball]

Kudos! I appreciate it.

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