Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

losing my mother/best friend


candace1988

Recommended Posts

  • Members

In June of this year my mom had started coughing up blood, we knew it was bad. I took her to Barnes Jewish on June 11th they admitted her for testing. On June 17th,(her 48th birthday) they gave us the news. Stage 4 lung cancer and its invaded her heart. We were speachless yet had so many questions. She wanted to fight. She went through radiation and started chemo, a week after her first chemo she was back in the hospital to be put on oxygen. Two weeks after she came home she was back in the hospital with chicken pox(yes she had made it 48 years without ever getting chicken pox). She was released a week later and continued her chemo this time a stronger dose. Sept 19th a Friday she was doing great, one of her better days. We took my 2 sons to dairy queen and laughed and talked saterday she woke up took her meds and told my dad she was ready to go to heaven and that she wanted to take a nap. At 11:13 am I got the call. She was gone. She had past away in her sleep. I sped home where the police and corner met me. I walk in her room where she is, and stare at her for a moment, her hair was always a blondish red now it its as red as fire, she looks peaceful, I walk over to talk to her one last time. Theres so much I need to tell her, she needs to know how much I love her. I keep wondering if she can hear me. I sit there holding her hand telling her how much I love her how much I need her, Im not ready for this. she's so cold so I wrap her in her favorite blanket. They tell me its time to take her and I lose it. They cant take her. Why is this happening. I wrap a necklace around her hand, I know this will be the last time time I ever lay eyes on her. I give her one last kiss hug her tight and tell her I love her one last time. Monday the corner called and told me the cause of death; the sack around her heart had ripped. Her memorial was October 4th. 3 months. I watched my mom go from being healthy, active and happy to physically weak, confused. I miss her so much. I feel so empty. I don't know what to do with myself. I quit doing everything(working and stuff)when she got sick so I could be ther 24/7 to take care of her. Now what? Nobody seems to understand. We were just planning my sons 8th birthday party and now shes gone. Why? Things that should be happy occasions are depressing. Its been 36 days and I cant make it more then an hour without breaking down.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Candace

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I read your post through tear filled eyes but as I read on, some things you said got me feeling good inside for you.  "she woke up took her meds and told my dad that she was ready to go to heaven."   Your mom was a woman of faith and I believe that heaven is exactly where she is right now.  I am so glad for you that you got to say good-bye to your mom.  So many people don't get that opportunity which I call a blessing.  I think it is also a blessing that you were able to take care of your mom because many people couldn't and wouldn't.  Maybe not right now, but one day you will see what a gift it was for that you were there for and with your mom 24/7 in the time leading up to her passing.  That all being said, it is difficult to watch a loved one get sick and go through so much in the last days, weeks and months and my heart goes out to you.  There is definitely a HUGE void.  36 days is not a long time so it is understandable that your emotions are still very raw.  It really does take time for the heaviness to lift.  Me, I am not looking forward to Christmas (lost both parents in the past year) just as you are not feeling much like celebrating your son's 8th birthday party but I believe that if our mom's could say something to us today that it would be for us to carry on with our lives and be the best people that we can be.  They would tell us to enjoy other people in our lives and that one day we will meet again.  

Take care

Cindy Jane 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Candace and Cindy Jane,

 

Cindy Jane, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your dad. You've had a really difficult time over the last 12 months, losing both your mom and dad. However, you seem to have had a wonderful relationship with both of them and you have a really strong faith in God. So, although you are suffering right now, and will always miss the physical presence of your parents, from all your posts I can sense that you are very strong and also optimistic about your life and your mom and dad being in a much better place. Therefore, I'm sure that you will survive and continue to honor your parents. I truly admire you for that!

 

Candace, my mom also died from Stage IV lung cancer that metastasized to her liver and bones. I talked my mom into coming here to visit both my brother and I last year, as my brother's wife had just had a baby, and I really wanted my mom to meet him. She was doing great, she was very busy, as she always was, exercising a lot, eating really well and very excited about all the preparations for her trip from America to where my brother and I live.

 

However, two weeks before her trip she woke up feeling some pain in her right leg and went to see her orthopedist, who recommended various tests, including two MRIs. None of the tests indicated that anything was wrong, so she flew here and was having a great time for the first four weeks, when the pain on her leg returned and never left.

 

She was meant to be here for three months, and ended up staying for 10 weeks, 4 with my brother and 6 with my husband and I. She was eating well till the last two weeks before she flew back, when she stopped eating and suddenly lost a lot weight. I took her to the doctor three times while she was here, and they gave her strong pain medication, and I gave her massages at least twice a day. Honestly, I wasn't worried, as the tests had not revealed anything and my mom had also seen her gastroenterologist and gynecologist  earlier last year, and they had said that she was doing great.

 

I guess I was in absolute denial, for I didn't want to admit that my mom had something very serious. In the course of four months, she went from a very healthy, happy and active person to somebody who was only focused on her pain. Two weeks after she went home, I flew there to be with her, and upon my arrival, all my aunts, my mom's sisters, were waiting for me at the airport to tell me the terrible news that my mom, a non-smoker, not even passively, had metastatic lung cancer. I spent the next three weeks with her, staying with her all day and overnight (every other night, as I was totally jet lagged), and then she passed away, and I pretty much saw her deteriorate to the worst possible level in the course of 48 hours.

 

In summary, she suffered for about four months, but specially for a month and half. However, she never became incontinent or had to suffer the indignities of chemo and being in palliative care for a long time.

 

I thank God for this, as she was very clear about having real quality of life. She would have fought if there had been a cure or a way to make the cancer into a chronic illness, but since the prognosis was so bleak, I thank God for taking her and ending her pain soon, just as she started to require an oxygen mask and a diaper, plus really high doses of morphine.

 

I saw my mom die, but I was in such shock that it's only after I came back to where I live that I have really been grieving. I had to sort so many things out beforehand, and I think my mom gave me the necessary strength, but then I came back and it's been a struggle on a daily basis. I eat well, I exercise, I pray, I visit this wonderful forum on a daily basis, I talk to my mom, I have support around me and I take care of myself, but I don't enjoy life anymore. I miss my mom more than words could ever express. I think of her every day and all the time, when I go to bed and when I wake up with the terrible realization that she's no longer in this world, but I'm stuck in it.

 

It's been 10 months for me, and I'm grieving even more than when I learned that she was dying and when I saw her die. I know she suffered a lot and it was her time to go to that better place, so I'm happy for her, but I feel sorry for myself for not having her around anymore and for being impatient and selfish when she was alive and sick, because I was in denial and didn't understand the magnitude of her illness, and was caught up in all the problems that I had at work. I told her that I loved her constantly, but I'm human and very flawed. Therefore, I sincerely hope that she can forgive me for my shortcomings, and I really commend you, respect you and admire you for looking after your mom so well. I tried to love her as much as I could, but I failed in many respects. I hope she knew and knows how much I love her and miss her.

 

I'm sorry for turning this response into a personal story rather than give some advice. I simply have none, I'm afraid, for I'm trying to live one day at the time, and I'm still struggling with my pain and anger at the world, at life, myself and even God, at the injustice of losing my mom at the age of 67, when some of her older sisters and friends are still alive and kicking, even those who have no children; and struggling with the frustration and jealousy of seeing all my friends and cousins with both of their parents. I'm full of contradictions these days, and I am trying to accept this awful reality and learn to survive in it, in spite of it.........

 

Everybody's pain is very personal and it's based on our  unique relationship with our loved ones. You had a very close relationship with your mom, as did I, so I fully empathize with how you're feeling.

 

Take care of yourself and try to live one day at the time, and let your sadness flow. Don't feel ashamed of crying or yelling and screaming, just do it whenever you need to.

 

I hope you have a good support network!

 

I'm here to talk if you wish or need to do so.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi everyone... yesterday was three weeks we lost our Mom.  She was a vibrant 80yo who was swimming and biking and driving before she started on this hepatitis medicine she did not need.  If we could turn back time.  He doctor put her on this new medicine that would eliminate her hepatitis... I wish we had said "no", but it's what she wanted and she was so hopeful. She was having no problems with her hep, it was manageable, but she was excited to think about removing it all together, so she said yes to this new treatment that was just released in January.

 

6 weeks into the treatment she got sick :(  She was weak and wasn't sleeping and stopped driving.  12 weeks into the treatment, on her last pill, she was so very sick. Could barely walk, could not get out of bed, and we were seeing doctors like crazy trying to find some answers, they had none. They gave her this medicine, that medicine, etc, etc nothing was working.  In July she collapsed and went to the hospital and it was determined her blood was very thick.  She had no platelets and her plasma was bad. She had three plasma treatments which were horrible cause they put this port in her collarbone area neck, it was awful to see her have to go through this :(  She came home and really never got better and was hospitalized again 10/3/14.. again she had to have plasma treatments and this time the port was sticking outside of the side of her neck. it was disgusting and humiliating, my poor Mom :(  She had three treatments and was scheduled for two more when she had a stroke on Monday night.  I had just left her and told her I loved her and she was excited to be coming home that Thursday.

 

They called us all to the hospital as she was having her stroke and she was trying to communicate and it was awful... to see our mother like this.  She had fought so hard and the last thing she ever wanted was to have a stroke.  Her right side was paralyzed and she couldn't talk :(  About an hour later she got sleepy and they told us to go to the waiting room... and then they came out and said she was declining, and we didn't know what that meant.  It turned out her stroke was in her brainstem which controls just about everything... three top neurologists came in and said our mother was sleeping and would never wake up :(  We waited 4 days in the neurological ICU before taking her home on hospice and we cared for her for 4 days in her home while she slept.  She died on 10/13/14.

 

I can't breathe and I just cry all day.  She was my best friend.  I talked to her 50x a day... and bought her groceries and paid her bills and I was her best friend.  I am so sad.  She has 4 surviving children (we had a brother who passed in 1976 he was 19yo), and or Dad died years ago when we were small.  My Mom suffered so much with my  Dad's death she loved him so much, she was widowed at age 34 with 5 kids and then she buried my brother in 1976.. he committed suicide. 

 

I feel so bad for her. She didn't need to die that way, via that stroke :(  She didn't need to suffer.

 

I hurt so bad and I can related to everyone here.  I'm sorry for everyone's losses.  I hope I can be of some support to all of you :)

Karyn

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi,

I'm new to this site. I guess I never really realized my mother's mortality. Like breathing, my mom was just always there. With very few exceptions, I talked with her, minimally, once a day. I was my mother's first born and it took three years before she was able to conceive. I have never known a day of my life without my mothers' fierce love. My mother had been sick for most of my life. I now think God has been whispering my mother's name for many years but, because of her fierce love for her children, she was able to delay answering the call. Each time , however, I think this cost her another piece of her health. My mom was a Diabetic. Alone, Diabetes will not kill you. It's all the other issues that can occur that can eventually get you. About two years ago, my mom had to start dialysis and things really went down hill from there. She had been in and out of the hospital several times these past two years. She just seemed to always bounce back to me. She was happy but often uncomfortable. Because my mom wasn't a complainer, I don't think any of us really knew her level of pain and discomfort.

To make a long story short, my mom went into the hospital on October 5th and eventually passed on October 19, her birthday. My family is hurting so bad. We're so lost. Our mom was such a wonderful person. She was our rock and our best friend. My worst nightmare in life has always been losing my mom. Now that it's happened, it really is as bad as I thought it would be. I feel numb and it still doesn't really seem real to me, yet.

I see my therapist tomorrow to try to deal with these feelings in a more constructive manner. The bottom line, though, is I want her back! I want to sit and talk with her. I want to call her for no other reason then to hear her complain about there being nothing on tv. I want to hear her quirky takes on life. Like a previous post I read, I truly understand my mother is in a better place. She's with her Mom in Heaven, laughing, singing, running (she'd been wheelchair for @ 10 yrs). She's happy. I'm miserable. The sadness is so deep. I just want my mama back!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I celebrated my sons birthday. The way me and mom planned it. It was hard, I spent most of the day crying and talking to her urn hoping she can hear me. But I made it through. Last week I was going through mt old voicemails to delete some and found one from her. I haven't stopped listening to it. Oh how wonderful it is just to hear her say "I love you". I know how lucky I was to get the time I got with her. I took care of her just for that reason. Getting as much time as we could making plans for "afterwards" and just talking. Im still staying up to see her come from work. The other night I woke up and ran into her room because I heard her crying for help, I had forgotten shes not there any more. Everything that makes most people happy or excited is depressing now. My 8 year old got straight A's! I cried the whole way home because all I wanted to do is show mom his report card. She'd be so proud of him. She loved him so much. My 4 year old keeps asking me where grandma is, I told him shes in the sky and ever since he I keep catching him talking to the clouds. Whenever I ask him what hes doing he says "talking to grandma, duh" yesterday he came in and told me grandma says to stop being so sad, shes ok. I'm still not sure what to do with that.... 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am new to this site. My mom passed away over a year ago and she lived with my husband and I for the last five years and I thought that I have handled things very well at the time of her service and told myself she was better off because I watched my mom suffer with some health issues and I've try to stay busy but I have come to realize that I have not allowed myself to grieve for her; I am angry and it hurts very much because my mom has always been there and I cannot ever remember a time she wasn't there for me and she was my support system, my best friend and loved me when I didn't love myself and I feel so empty and alone.

My mom passed away at home and it was on a Saturday and she had not been feeling well that week and I wanted her to go the hospital but she didn't want to and we talked that Friday night and I told her we were gonna go to the hospital Saturday morning and I got up early that morning and peaked in on her and laid back down and then my husband thought she had fallen on the floor and I knew when I touched her but didn't want it to be so. We called for an ambulance for her and I am screaming at the person on the phone and they talked to me and told me to give her CPR and I did and I couldn't save her or bring her back and I feel so much guilt because I feel like being her daughter, I should've been able to save her and that plays over and over within. This month is her birthday and we'd always do something special and she'd fuss at me but I just wanted to make her day special. I have had all types of thoughts to be with my mom again and all I want is her back and I just can't accept that she is not here anymore.

I still just feel so lost and I am not sure how to go on.

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.