lost my beloved boyfriend

[aross]

i lost my boyfriend on 9/29/14 to SUDEP (sudden unexpected death from epilepsy). He was 25. I couldn't get a hold of him from 11am on, and walked into the apt after work to find him on the ground, already dead. i dont know if i have even processed the shock yet. the medical examiner said that even if he had been in a room full of doctors there's nothing they could have done, which makes me feel better, but every day i go over the following thoughts - 

 

- was he taking his epilepsy medicine??? (we wont know the toxicology for a few weeks, and he had a seizure every couple of months) but didn't like how the medicine made him feel zombie-like sometimes

- should i have kept my mouth shut about the zombie-like side effects i noticed, and maybe then he would have taken it correctly? 

- why didn't his doctor tell us he could die?

- why did this happen to my sweet, sweet Patrick? literally the most kind-hearted, wonderful soul i've ever met

- why did this happen to me?? 

- i hate everyone who goes home at night to their boyfriend and their cozy wonderful life while i have to be alone

 

i have such anger towards people who in my mind, pretend they have sympathy for me but in reality they have wonderful lives and go home to their boyfriends/husbands and have suffered nothing... i know these people really care about me and this is just my sub-conscious, but its so hard not to resent these people. even my best friend who's boyfriend introduced me to Pat. i hate everyone for all the love and companionship they have, even though i know none of this is their fault. everyone tells me i am a good person so WHAT did i do to deserve this? will i ever be happy again? 

 

If anyone has gone through something similar, i'd love to hear your thoughts. i guess i just have a chip on my shoulder and a generally negative outlook about my future and what happened to Pat and I... I am seeing a therapist but would love to hear from people in my same boat. thank you! 

 

[HeyJude]

What your going through, every single one of us here on this forum, have gone through.  All the "what ifs" will drive you crazy.  Thing is, it is perfectly normal.  Truth is, you had NOTHING to do with it.  I mean seriously...thank God we don't hold the lives of anyone else in our own hands!  Could you imagine??  You do have every right to be angry right now.  That will go away in time.  You have a lot of feelings and emotions to process and it is going to take a long time.  Don't let anybody tell you two weeks from now that you need to get over this.  Yeah, some people are THAT stupid.  Stick around, this forum can be a lot of help.