Feeling angry towards my spouse after my Dad died

[KID72]

I am new here, looking for a place to get my feelings out. I lost my Dad to asbestos in his lungs on March 31. He found out he had asbestos in his lungs about 5 years ago. It started with a collapsed lung that would not heal, and then they disovered the asbestos in the lungs. He was a plumber in the 60's, so that's likely when he breathed it in. Nothing they could do for him, and as it got worse he was on oxygen full time. Many scary 911 calls when he could not breathe at all, even with the oxygen, which would then land him in the hospital for a minimum of  a few weeks at a time. He had been in and out of hospital and we knew this past year that it would be his last. But nothing can really prepare you. I had an extremely close relationship with my Dad, both my sister and I her his forever little girls. The night my Mom called me at 2am, I had a few of these calls, but this time she said they don't think he will last overnight. I went and got her and we headed straight down to the ER. He was in there trying to breathe and it was the most heart wrenching thing ever. Every single breath wracked his body, his whole body would move with the effort, he was sweating but cold. It was awful. I held his hand and told him how much we all loved him and that it was okay to go. They told us they could make him comfortable to the end, and we said to go ahead. He was pumped full of morphine and never woke up. We stayed with hiim for a few hours and he was in this sleeping state but still each breath wracking his body. We had to leave for a bit and went to get my Aunt, and we came back and as I was about to walk in the room the nurse said don't go in there, he just passed. I screamed and ran past her into the room and he was gone. His mouth open, his skin yellow, but still warm to the touch. I am crying right now, as I have never talked about this. I felt so guilty. We should have never left. We shoudl have driven faster to get there. I wanted to be holding his hand. I now know that many do this, and probably he left when nobody was there by his choice.

Then, as you all know, the whirlwind of planning a funeral and all that just takes over and kind of pulls you along. You are so busy that you don't have much time to miss that person. A few weeks felt like months, and yet sometimes just like yesterday. Then my daughter started cutting herself. She is 12. She was so upset over losing Grandpa, so that had to be dealt with. Counselling, helping her with her grief, etc. Then my Husband lost his job in a fairly traumatic way. A job he held for 19 years, and they just let him go for no reason. We had to hire a lawyer and are now in the process of getting a settlement. But this will be a long road as well. My Husband has gone into a deep depression and is suicidal now. I go to work everyday scared he may not be alive when I get home. I called our Dr. today to have a follow up as he is getting worse and not better. He also has a strained relationship with his parents, and they have not spoken in 15 months because his Mom told him she never wanted to hear from him again. Now she has come back to say sorry, and a part of me is just furious. I have been supressing my feelings for the benefit of my family, to stay strong for them. Someone has to have their **** together, so that's been me. But I am feeling more and more angry about this. I have had no time to grieve my Dad, and today I told my husband that I called the Dr. because I am scared and having a hard time coping as well. He told me that everything always has to be about me. I felt like he just stuck a knife in my heart. How can he not see that I am still grieving and trying to keep everything going so I don't fall apart?

I am going to go our Dr. anyhow. I do need help, I know that now. But I have this incredible anger now towards my spouse. I know he is depressed, but he lost his JOB. I lost my DAD. I feel devastated all over again. I have no sympathy from him at all. Yet I am supposed to be there for him, and have been all along. Through all the hard times with his family, and now he may patch things up with his Mom and I fear that. I hate her for cutting him and us out of their lives, and over something petty. They did not attend my Dad's funeral. They could not put aside their selfish pettiness. But now she may come back.....and my Dad, the kindest, sweetest, most unselfish person, is gone forever. It's not fair. I fear that my marriage may be over. I don't know if I can continue on like this. I can't keep supporting him and taking a backseat and yet there is no support for me. I feel like he thinks I should be "over" the loss of my Dad. When really, I am just beginning to feel the loss. Thanks for letting me vent. It helps sometimes to get it out. I will follow through with seeing my Dr. and a counsellor, because that's what my Dad would want me to do. - Erin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[cindyjane]

Hi Erin, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.  Losing my parents is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  To have other difficult things going on as you are having would be so difficult but I am glad to read that you are doing whatever it takes to look after YOU. Counselling is a good route to go in doing that.  Also we don't have to stuff our feelings and coming here and sharing is a good way to get them out.  

 

It sounds like your whole family has a lot of healing to do with this loss and other problems going on.  As I was reading your post I said a little prayer for you and your family.  If you are a woman of faith I would suggest to lean on that faith now more than ever. HE listens and I believe He is pointing you in the right direction to get help for yourself.  What works for me in difficult times is taking it one day at a time and one problem at a time.  I hope this helps.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

[JeanMihalick]

I feel angry toward everyone after my mom died, including myself. Just kinda been spending time alone so I don't really go off on anyone. Everyone asks what happened as I used to be so happy all the time.

My husband is the same way. Lost my mom last month but I should be over it and I have no one to talk to about it. I'm on depression and anxiety meds but well there are days it didn't help. My 15 year old is failing school because of losing his grammy. Id love to see a therapist but can't afford it, so I keep everything inside and cry myself to sleep every night. H and I have slept in sperate rooms for years. I'm just at my wits end right now.

I feel for you, I really do. Know your not alone.

[shehelp]

I lost my mom September 28, 2014 and I cry all the time.  She was my best friend and like a sister.  It seems like it is even harder when you are an only child.  This house is so empty and lonely without her.  It seems like when she left a huge part of me left with her.  People have been very nice about calling, but it just doesn't seem to help.  I cry myself to sleep, the little bit I get every night.  I am sort of glad I was at the hospital when she took her last breath, but on the other hand it is still hard to deal with.  I am so sorry for all of your losses.  I am praying a lot, but that has not helped yet either.  Thanks for listening.