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lilmisseire

Is this much anger normal??

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My mother died suddenly in her sleep 6months ago and at the time I was with my bf one year. He was with me up until the funeral but then at his mothers request he disappeared for 6-8 weeks (her mother was in hospital with a chest infection nd she felt he should be supporting her not me) He called every now and again during those few weeks but nothing more despite me ringing at night because I was anxious and afraid to sleep alone and nervous about siblings or my father harming themselves in their grief...I was just anxious in general....I saw myself through the worst of it but now I can't seem to forgive him for abandoning me when I needed him most....I'm angry all the time nd I start arguments and sometimes I feel like I hate him more than I've ever hated anyone....I really want to stay with him but I can't seem to get past the hurt nd anger....I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes im so mad and irrational...we really can't continue this way and I don't know if this is a natural reaction to the grief and the feelings of anger will pass or am I trying to hold on to something I should have walked away from ages ago??

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I get that you are upset. I even get that you blame him for not being there when he was supposed to. Did he live near you? I think he could have made an effort to be with you more, yes, but you have to understand that his mother was ill. He had to take care of her, and you can't blame him for that.  Maybe he just didn't know what to do...sometimes people don't know how to react towards a loved one's loss and depression. I can't justify his absence thought, but you have to see the other side of it too.

I think that because of the intensity of all that happened to you it is best to walk away from this relationship. You are hurt and you are not over his lack of empathy regarding you and your mother's passing. This relationship is causing you more harm than good, and right now, because of the grief, you need something or someone that is able to give you peace, or at least help you drain all of this emotions that come with grief. You need time for yourself, you come first. Maybe this is not the time for both of you.

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Hi lilmisserie,

 

I want to chime in because I'm going through similar issues myself. You're not alone.

 

About 4 months ago, my girlfriend cheated on me. It crushed me. Absolutely destroyed me and put me at a lower level than I've ever been. I felt totally betrayed and abandoned. Frankly, I hated her with my all my guts.

 

But thanks to the help of therapy, I realized her cheating actually opened a fissure of repressed emotions I was hiding from my father's death for 25 years. (I'm 27 now, my father died when I was 2.) Yes, I was angry at her -- but MOST of the anger I was putting on her was actually anger at the Universe for taking my father. For treating me so unfairly. For screwing me over. My girlfriend was the face I put all this anger on.

 

My therapist said something a few months ago that I still think about daily: "the mind puts emotions where it wants." You WANT to put your anger on your boyfriend, but it's probably really anger at the Universe for taking your mother (or your mother for leaving). That's not always a bad thing...I use the anger at this girlfriend to write letters to her (that I don't give her) that let me unleash my anger.

 

That doesn't mean you SHOULDN'T break up with your boyfriend -- no one can tell you if it's right to do or not, it's up to you.

 

But it's something to ponder at the moments when you're not feeling rage (which makes it hard to think). Are you really angry at your boyfriend or the Universe?

 

Thinking of you,

 

-David

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