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Lost my husband...how do I continue on?


broken_Crystal

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broken_Crystal

October 12,2013 my perfectly healthy husband was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. We were told he had 6-12 months to live. My husband fought so very very hard to beat this horrible disease. He died on 09/25/2014. He had been in the hospital appx 3 weeks, but continued telling me and our (adult) children he was "ok".  He was really struggling and we decided to have him put in comfort/hospice care in the hospital. He died the next afternoon. I feel like i had him euthenized, like I killed him. I was by his bedside as he took his final breath. It was the most horrific thing to witness, but I am glad he didn't go alone. The evening before he passed, the kids and I made a conscious decision to go to his bedside and tell him it was ok to "let go". He then grabbed his oxygen mask, pulled it off his face and started to sob, said he was sorry and he couldn't fight any more. He grabbed me and just held me and kissed me and said he was so sorry, he was tired and he just couldn't fight anymore. It was so heartbreaking. I now question me putting him in comfort care, did he really know (the nurses confirmed no medical intervention at this point) he shook his head yes, he understood. I miss him more than I ever imagined. Yes he was sick, but he was MY STRONG JOEY and he could beat anything. I can't think of anything else but him, 24/7. People keep saying it gets better over time...IT ONLY GETS WORSE, every day that goes by I MISS HIM MORE. We truly were a team and had an awesome family. He was our rock....he wasn't suppose to leave us. I am at a total loss and like others I really and truly feel like I am GOING CRAZY. I can't focus or think of anything other than him. 
I have begged God and Joey both to send me a sign he is ok...I have gotten NOTHING. I feel like I have no closure ...I need to hear from him in one form or another. 

We were together 30 years. I met him when I was 16 years old and he was my true rock. I can honestly say I don't see this getting any better. My world revolved around him and vice versa. I am so so so so lost.....I don't know what to do.....nothing and I mean nothing makes any of this easier...time, chats, walks etc...nothing. Please HELP ME.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  :)  I know exactly how you feel.  My husband died on 24 June 2014.  I have only just gone back to work this past week.  Everyone thinks I am doing ok, but they don't know what is in my head.  I am very angry at God for taking him.  Even though he had been sick for so long, he was adamant he was going to beat the cancer that claimed him in the end.  I am really pissed with his parents also, as they were so sure he was going to be the one to beat his cancer - they had my 15 year old son believing it also.  I can't forgive them for that.

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Both of you ladies, I am very sorry of your losses.  Cancer sucks, big time.  I lost my dad to cancer.  It started in 1980 with a spot in his bladder.  Treated for that, confirmed it was gone and a few years later is shows back up in his throat.  He was treated for that, made it, only to have it show back up in his lungs and from there it went into him bones and his brain.  Cancer is never cured.  It seems to me that it always pops back up somewhere.

 

I am approaching the two year mark of my husband's death.  I can't tell you how or when but it is going to get easier, I promise you that.  It is oh so subtle.  Some people take longer than others but it does happen.

 

My husband was my rock as well.  It was just he and I, we didn't have any kids at home.  Just he and I and our dogs.  Nothing is worse than being left alone.  It is extremely scary and it is very lonely.

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Crystal, so sorry for your loss, I had to watch my wife die in front of me in hospital so I know the numbing terror and pain that this causes. Please do not blame yourself, you were doing your very best for your husband, any other decision may have just prolonged his suffering. That is my only solace is my wife not having to endure more treatments and suffering without being able to live and enjoy life.

If you read my post entitled signs, it may give you some hope as this only happened to me after 6 months.

Peace and hope.

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broken_Crystal

Thank you all for the kind words. This week, (Thursday) will mark one month he's been gone. One on hand it seems like he's been gone for months and the other, it seems like just yesterday. It's hard even looking at his pictures ...it brings sooooooooooo very much sadness and physically makes me ill, just sad and distraught knowing I will never be with him (on earth) again. He truly was my life. It's hard to explain to others around me, as they are very sympathetic but they really don't know what it's like losing your soul mate, your best friend,  your lover and A TRUE part of YOURSELF. 
I have asked and begged for signs from him but still have gotten nothing. Thanks for mentioning the signs and I will take a look. 

Right now every single day is a true struggle for me. I have never been considered a weak person or depressed, as a matter of fact everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and they don't think they could be as strong as I am..............what they don't know is I AM NOT STRONG and I AM DEPRESSED .........somedays I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. I never ever knew a physical constant pain such as this...........I want to be normal again and I know it's gonna be a long long time before I get there.

Thanks again for you kind words.

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Depending on what you truly believe in, some people believe that when our loved ones depart they go into a sort of debriefing area and are there depending on how much stuff they need to unload.  Then they have a type of orientation.  So the fact that your loved one hasn't sent you a sign yet could mean that he is just busy right now and can't.  And then some people believe that it is very hard for us to see their signs when we are engulfed in grief and sorrow.  So don't be overly concerned that you aren't recognizing any signs at the moment.  It doesn't mean that your husband isn't trying to communicate with you.

 

It just breaks my heart, seeing you new members come on here and reading your stories because they are so relatable.  I remember feeling exactly the way you are feeling.  I know it is hard to believe but it really is going to get easier.  You will get stronger.  I am just now to the point where I can talk about my husband and laugh at certain memories and they just make my heart feel so good.

 

This morning I read something on Facebook.  I don't remember the whole thing, I'll see if I can find it but it was something like this:  "I promised you I would be married to you for the rest of my life.  You were married to me for the rest of your life." 

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I felt I had to reply to this post, as I have also lost my husband, almost 21 months ago, but also as a hospice nurse, I worked with the terminally ill for 7 years. I have been with hundreds and hundreds of people as they left this world. You did not kill him, please don't ever think that, hospice was only there to make him more comfortable and to help him let go, you did the right thing by giving him permission. Even though my husband died quite suddenly, after they had resuscitated him 6 times, I had to tell him it was ok if he had to go, I would somehow make it thru, I only did this because I loved him too much to let him keep trying to hang on, was the hardest thing I had ever done. Believe me, from my experience it sounds like it would have been much harder on your husband without the hospice nurses. I have seen it both ways. When someone is in horrible pain it is so hard to get down to the business of dying. Many people think the morphine killed their loved one, but severe, severe pain eats up the morphine in a hurry, and even though it takes mega doses at times to get the pain under control, it only makes the pain tolerable. In my mind, you gave your husband a wonderful gift by giving him permission to let go and helping him be more comfortable.

I don't know if what I have said has helped you any, I hope so, though in the early days and months there is not one thing that will really help, I tried everything and nothing really helped except time. I still miss my husband terribly, but I do know I will see him again

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