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Bob is awesome, I miss you buddy!


solarbug

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          First off I've never posted before, and Ill forewarn you my story is long, and difficult to share, but I'll try.  I am lucky enough to have found my soul mate nearly 20 years ago.  We have been married 15 years.  I am mid-thirties male.  My father in law and I have always been close. He's more than an in law, he was a role model, mentor, Great friend, and he was my buddy! In May of 2013, we received the disconcerting news that 'Bob' has stage IV pancreatic cancer; the doctor said he had 6 months to live.  This came as a shock to all of us.  I took the news very hard! I felt compelled from that moment to help Bob and the family in any and every way possible.  I wanted to help him enjoy his remaining days and ensure that he was comfortable. Bob was a family man; he loved his family more than anything!  I respect him greatly for that; he welcomed me into the family with open arms.  He was always there to help, listen, or offer advice. There is nothing that he wouldn't do for his family.

          The series of events over that year was difficult to say the least.  The doctors kept saying the chemo was doing its job. But all the while he was unable to keep food down.  He would eat very little then throw it up, this went on for months.  He was a big fella, he lost about 150 pounds.  All the while the doctors said it was the chemo.  Finally after being hospitalized multiple times, we insisted there must be something else causing this.  The doctor performed a 30 minute test where a camera was inserted into his stomach.  What they discovered was an additional tumor that was blocking his intestine, thus blocking food from passing.  A stent was surgically implanted, and after a quick recovery he was able to eat and keep food down.  Great right! This was frustrating because he lost so much weight and for what?  The doctors did not do their job in my opinion.  Fortunately this was handled, now he could eat again and keep food down.

          He then had a few weeks of good days.  We were able to take a weekend fishing trip together, which looking back was one of the best times ever.  Then he caught a nasty case of pneumonia and was hospitalized.  He was in and out of the hospital.  Just after getting out of the hospital he slipped on ice and broke his hip.  Now he was forced to have a hip replacement and learn to walk again.  8 weeks in transitional care to rehab his hip.  I visited very often, I would help him anyway possible, encourage him, talk, listen. Many days I would take him outside for sun and fresh air.  I would also break him out and we would go for lunch or cruise around town.  Bob was a truck driver, he loved "the road" Keep in mind Bob always remained positive, smile on his face.  He didn't want his family to worry about him.  He would say, "It is what it is, it’s part of my journey." 

          Finally, after many weeks of hard work and determination relearning to walk, Bob was released and able to return home.  He was so excited and happy to be home in his place.   I would visit every chance I had; we would hang out and talk and talk.  Sometimes we would talk about his life and his approaching death.  Other times we would run errands or just go out driving.  I cherished every moment that we shared.  He still had difficulty walking, but persevered. 

          He met with his oncologist and was informed that the cancer had advanced and there was nothing that could be done.  They also said he likely had another 6 months to live.  It wasn't long after and Bob had a mild stroke.  Now he was unable to get around on his own at all.  The only option at this point was hospice.  We moved him into a very nice facility.  Everyone there was nice and helpful; Bob appreciated what everyone was doing for him.  He understood that he could not be at home alone, and this was the best place for him. 

          It was only a week that he was at the hospice.  About 4 days in, his health declined rapidly.  He became unresponsive, slept all the time, then stopped eating and drinking.  There were moments when he would snap back into reality.  He would kiss his wife, give hugs, and crack a joke.  It was difficult for all of us to watch our hero, someone who has always been such a strong person mentally and physically digress so rapidly in front of our eyes.  We were there as a family on an afternoon in late July, telling stories and just being there together for Bob.  I was alone with him and his breathing changed, I called the nurse and the family back.  The nurse said he had little time remaining.  We sat with him as he took his last breath. 

          This has been the most difficult time in my Life.  I struggle with how his remaining year was spent.  His quality of life wasn't great. I do feel fortunate for all the time that we did share; our bond was strengthening through a difficult time.  I know he appreciated everything that was done for him.  I feel that because we had that time I was able to tell him everything that I needed to.  Nothing was left unsaid, and I have no regrets. 

          It was most difficult though every time over that year when we would hug it felt like it could be the last.  I've never lost someone so close to me.  I struggle every day, I miss Bob terribly. I've been speaking with friends and family, attend a support group, and journal.  I am really trying to embrace the grief process.  At the same time I have this enormous hole in my Life.  I also need to be strong for my wife, he was her dad.  I've never felt such sorrow and heartache.  I cry all the time and feel sad.  I miss him.  I question what happens when we die.  I worry about others that I love dying.  I want to smile and be positive and carry on with my life, I know that he wants me to be happy and enjoy life. I do see him every day in his daughter / my wife and soul mate. I miss you buddy! Forever in my heart and soul... I will smile and I will see you there!    Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate any support, encouragement and kind words.

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butterflyblue71

Solarbug,

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you truly loved Bob and he knew it, and he truly loved you too. That is the greatest gift, in my opinion. And it sounds like you did everything you could to make his remaining time beautiful.

Your story is sort of similar to mine. In January we lost my partner's father to lung cancer, way too early too. We also are in our 30s. It's heartbreaking to see someone so vibrant one week completely fade away the next. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but you made his final days the best you could and to me that is beautiful. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

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butterflyblue71,  Thank you for the kind words!  I am so sorry for your loss.  As time goes by the pain of missing my buddy hasnt let up much.  I try to live each day the best I can.  I know Bob would not want to see me in pain and feeling sad.  As much as I miss him, I know he is at peace and well wherever he is.  I am hopeful that we will meet again someday.  I am sorry for your loss and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  Make it a great day!

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mydeepestthoughts

I would like to extend my deepest condolences to you and your family. Death is a great enemy to mankind, knowing that we will no longer be able to hear our loved ones laughter, or see their smiles is a devastating thought. And to lose an close friend, or relative to that enemy, is such a hard, and devastating thing to endure. But is death the end of all things? Please allow me to share a hope found in God's word the bible..John 5:28,29 which reads " Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice. 29: and come out" This is a promise that Jesus made to all of us who are affected by death. Many are taught that when someone dies that God needed another Angel, and because of this false belief, many instead of drawing close to God in times of tragedy..push him away. From you words I can see the love that you had for your father in law, and it devastated you to see him suffer, and that you would have done anything for him. James 1:18 states that "When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try others." So God Would never do anything to cause us pain. Can you imagine how God felt seeing your close friend suffer?

Then why does God allow suffering? Why do bad things happen to good people? What happens to our dead loved ones? Many have these same questions.

Please examine this free tract entitled "Would you like to know the truth?" On the following link.

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-the-truth/1102008390/#?insight[search_id]=facc7496-d0fd-45b9-b4ba-34b0826f4f32&insight[search_result_index]=0

You will find bible based answers to these questions. May you find peace, and comfort.

Condolences.

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I think of my buddy every single day.  I miss him so much!  I have spent much time working and learning how to deal and cope with loss.  I do my best everyday to make him proud.  I honor his memory and have faith we will meet again.  I miss you!! "I will smile and I will see you there."

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Solarbug, I can imagine almost everything you've been through since my mom died of bile duct cancer last year. She was supposed to have 6 months to a year, but only had 3 months. We always had some hope because she'd always been tough. But towards the end, she had increasingly strong abdominal pains in her last two months.

 

It's been nearly a year, but I still feel so devastated. Life just isn't the same without her. To top it off, I really have no one, except my virtually brain-dead man who is disgustingly selfish. I hate his guts since I've always felt that he--and the incompetent doctors (long story; see my still missing mom thread)--helped kill her off. I couldn't believe my dad was able to exercise when we returned home the day she died. I, on the other hand, was too disconsolate to do anything at all.

 

I don't know what to say to you, but hang in there. You do have your wife and daughter, both of whom have a part of him. Treasure them. Do you ever discuss him with your wife? Sometimes that helps reinforce the bonds.

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silverkitties,  I am so sorry for you loss of your mom.  Cancer is such a terrible disgusting disease!! It has been ripping its way through my family and so many others.  To see our loved ones endure pain and anguish is  most difficult.  It has taken me along time to get back to a place where I feel ok.  I've also learned that as individuals we have our own journey thru grief.  I talk about Bob as often as I can to others, it does help me to be open and relive cherished memories.  I also talk to Bob and hope and pray that he hears me and is listening.  Please feel free to continue to connect with myself and others thru this forum.  We all need to love and help each other.  peace to to you, make it a great day!

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Bless you, Solarbug. It truly is the toughest road that one travels. This year has been exceptionally difficult: no doubt in your loss, your mind has probably wandered back to the very time the previous year when everything was crashing around you. Sometimes even good memories can sting because you know they will never return (w/ Bob) and those hopes for recovery seem so irretrievably dashed. You remember all those visits to the hospital, all those times he seemed to be doing better and such a pang goes through. Well, at least, that's how I feel. It can be so debilitating at times when I'm trying to finish work and all I can do is see Mom at the hospital, remembering her on the day she got released from rehab, see mom at home still trying to be helpful despite her condition Etc.

 

I hope someday that we can each look back on those days with more fondness than these strange mixed emotions. I think one consolation you can draw is that your wife and daughter are around you. You will see Bob's wonderful soul and spirit in their eyes and know love is there.  The way I'm trying to look at it now is that I was so blessed to have my mom--just as you were blessed to have Bob. It's a way of knowing and experiencing amazing grace--and I'm not even religious. 

 

I hope you have a wonderful day.

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