Can't cope with brother's death and family making it worse.

[ufiT]

Hi.... My only brother suddenly passed away on May 29, 2014 of an asthma attack. I am so grief stricken. I have never felt such unbearable sadness. My brother wasn't found for 3 days. I was living overseas for 13 years and suddenly came back to my hometown 14 months before my brother passed away. He suffered from severe depression and some other issues and I always felt like I was his mother instead of younger sister because I was always the only one that would look after him and be there for him when he was having his episodes. He would also get paranoid and turn against me sometimes. It was really hard, but I love my brother a lot and would always go to help him when he needed it.

 

I went to live with my brother when I moved back to my hometown, but I hadn't seen him for many years and it was really hard for me to see his mental state. I started looking after him again and he got paranoid and thought I was talking about him to everyone (which I wasn't and I am still very hurt about) and he kicked me out a couple of months before he died.

 

Our father was always abusive to us in many ways, but to me he was physically abusive, so my brother hid the fact that I was back in our hometown from the father. The father thought something was wrong and called the police to break into my brother's house and the police found him dead in the bathroom. The father then saw all of my stuff in the front room and realised I had been living there.

 

I found out my brother had died via facebook 5 days after he had died. I couldn't stand the thought of speaking to the father again, so my friedns were mediators. After some of them had spoken to the father, they found out he had a skip bin at my brother's house and was having people go there and throw all of his stuff out. I was furious about that and then had a big battle on my hands. My brother was not a rich man moneywise, but he should not be treated like rubbish to disguard of. I fought for the reposnsibility of going through my brother's things and saving them. The bullying and threatening text messages from the father came non top to my phone at all hours for many days. It made everything so much more painful and I hadn't had to deal with the father for 14 years and it was an extra mental stress I didn't need.

 

My friends took turns helping coming to my brother's house with me and going through his stuff and packing it. That was one of the hardest things Ihave ever had to do and it really took a toll on me. I was so disgusted and hurt to see how much of my brother's stuff had already been thrown out by the orders of the father by people that were not close to my brother and I was also angry there were other people going into my brother's home. I even saw that someone had been through all of my drawers and opened my mail and stolen some of my things. (They are just things, but I felt violated).

 

I just wanted to talk to my brother, for him to tell me he was happy with everything I was doing and to apologise for getting paranoid and kicking me out. I also wanted him there to protect me from the father and to play silly songs to cheer me up like he used to, but that was not possible. I also was not in anyway ready to go to the house where I saw my brother so depressed and where he died alone and wasn't found for 3 days, but I had to do it to protect my brother and his stuff. I feel like the father was trying to anihilate my brother from existance because he didn't think he was worthless and a failure (as the father would always tell us). It was horrible. I am glad I got to salvage most of his stuff with the help of amazing friends!

 

My mother lives overseas too in different countries to what I always have and I had to beg and beg her to come to our hometown after I found out my brother had died. I needed her there and she wasn't going to come. She finally agreed to come, but only for 4 days and I am very hurt by that and very hurt that she didn't ask how I was coping or help me protect my brother and his memory from the father and if I hadn't gotten up the strength to do it. All of his stuff would have ended up in the bin.... A couple of my friends that helped me were saying that if the same thing happened to them, their family would be there helping. I feel so alone in this family.

 

I have come to stay with my mum because i ended up homeless and just can't cope with every day life emotionally at the moment. I really feel like she doesn't care about what I am going through and she is not caring about my brother. She hadn't seen him for 19 years and she just keeps telling me that he had a happy life, but he didn't at all and she doesn't listen or understand how heart wrenching it was for me to see the state my brother was in for years with his depression. I find it really sad that he wasn't found for 3 days too. I am also still hurt by things that my brother said to me when he was having his anger/paranoid attacks.

 

I miss my brother so much and I am sobbing myself to sleep almost every night and my mum doesn't even notice when we are in the same room. When she does notice, she just tells me that it was his time to go and I should be glad he's not in emotional pain anymore and not sick anymore and that I have to let him go. I just want to be abe to talk to my brother and when I say that to my mum she tells me that I still can, but it's not the same..... She is just not understanding or listening to how I am feeling. I knew my brother my whole life, we were very close like twins and we always protected each other from the other family members and I had to look after him for most of his life when I was in the same country. I kind of felt like my brother's sister and mum. My mum just keeps saying I am the strong one in the family and she could have never gone through my brother's stuff and battled with the father to protect my brother's memory and do all of the stuff I did when he died, and she expects me to be doing ok now and feeling strong now. I don't feel strong at all now. I feel like everything is too hard and I just want my mum to act like a mum and be there for me and ask me how I am coping each day. She seems to have accepted my brother's death, but I definitely haven't.

 

I feel such a deep, dark pit of sadness has overcome my whole being and I am totally drowning in it. I feel like a piece of the Earth has disappeared and a part of me died with my brother. Some days, like today, I just can't see the point of me being alive or any reason for my life to go on. I don't feel like I can take this intense sadness... Some people tell me it will get more manageable, some are getting impatient and one even asked me when I am going to get on with my life and stop grieving, which I think is totally crap and unsupportive. It's been less than 4 months and I don't think I will ever "stop grieving". I just think it will change how it makes me feel later. I wish I knew what to do to make it feel more bearable now....... I feel totally lost and never felt such a dark, sad feeling. People tell me I have to be strong for my mother, I have to be strong for my brother because he wouldn't want to see me so upset. That just makes me feel guilty for feeling how I am feeling and I don't feel like I have any strength left in me........ I don't know where to turn to find the answers.......

[peacefulwanderer]

Hi UfiT-

 

Thanks for having the courage to share your story with us here in this community. Holding space for you in your process of pain. Although I cannot relate completely as its your experience... losing my brother was/is still the most painful process I have ever experienced... So, I relate to your darkness, sadness and feelings of umptiness. Be gentle with your process and with yourself. We all have our own experience of grief. Trust that your process is exactly as it's supposed to be. Sometimes I just needed to breathe to get through each moment or each day...

 

The pain I felt was that my life had completely changed and I felt like I had no control. I had anger, guilt, sadness and I still do at times but it is less intense. Everyone deals with loss and grief differently. Your mother, father, friends and everyone around you has their own process... so honor your process. Focus on taking care of yourself... even though I felt like lying around all day... and I would a lot... I would do what I could to sit in nature and I would make time to go for short walks... try to eat healthy foods... and to focus on the parts of my experiences with my brother that made me feel good. Of course... there was a lot of painful memories... and the only way I was able to move through my guilt and shame was through forgiving myself. IT's a hard process... but when I was finally able to forgive myself... it transmuted the pain a bit... the truth is your life has completely changed... just as if you lost a limb. People do not know how to deal with death and most people do not want to experience pain so they try and cover it up anyway they can... however, for me I couldn't cover it up... I had to sit in it and I had to find a new way to live with how things were now different. Day by day I am finding that my brother opened me up to some of the deeepest feeling of emotion I have ever experienced. He has been my brother, mentor, guide and now a teacher. HIs transition has been my greatest growth that was forced on me in this life.... I had vision of us growing old and having kids and spending time together... and that is all gone now. I had to get used to this new way of life just as if I had lost my arm and now had to choose to go on without an arm...

 

So, with that said... It's not like it gets easier necessarily... we just learn to go on and to find ways to use that pain to make a difference. I have channeled the pain I have from my brothers loss into helping others in pain. I have been there for another kid named John who was also 23 and supported him while he overcame his heroine addition. It was such a bitter sweet day... one part of me was crying because I was so happy he made it through the addition... and the other part of me was crying wishing it had been my brother... that pain does not go away... I just use it to help others in pain and it seems to make me feel better  and give some reason to grasp onto as to perhaps why I had to go through this experience... to be there for another.

 

I am holding space for you to move through this painful experience... you are surrounded in love... even if you do not feel love in your environment... please know I am sending love and will hold you in my meditations... you are suppported by those of us in this forum who also feel so a deep pain and relate to that feeling of pain... I find the deepest love inside my body when I sit in meditation and cry out for help from within. Just behind my heart I can feel a warm yellow glow from inside that is there for me when nothing is outside of me...

 

I remember a quote from mother theresa... that says, God would not give us what we cannot handle...

 

Sending you love, hugs and support to be with you as you experience your grief as this is part of your growth process.

 

One more thing... I have also found that on the other side of where you are at now... meaning for me 7 years later... after experiencing such great loss and deciding to stay here on this planet after thoughts and feelings of not knowing how to go on...

 

Most of the everyday problemes people experience do not affect me. I can be at peace and find the happiness when most of the problems that throw off people's days show up. Also, I choose to ask God, Angels, my brother, guides for help when I am in the trenches of the darkness. For me, reading angel cards, having crystals around me, meditating and that soft energy is what got me through my darkest moments. Not sure what it is for you... but wanted to share.