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I'm Struggling please help !!


Ritchie_uk

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Well it might not be for everyone, but I had to erect a wall around my heart so I wouldn't get hurt again...it's just been too many people too many times!  I have a dog and a cat, they are my family.  I'm fine now, the hardest part was the first few months, but now it's been years, so totally fine.  And it doesn't bother me at all to talk to him, if it did, I would have cut him loose.  

Good luck to you!

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Hi KayC

That is a totally natural way to respond.

Nothing stays the same forever.

Even Pets die, but they don't do it because they are selfish, and I believe people that have passed away would want us to be happy and live good fulfilled lives.

I have realised that, I don't need people too close to me, and my having that philosophy I can protect myself more.

Ritchie

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I'm way more guarded and cautious, even in friendships (I haven't dated since) and with what I've been through, it's probably a good thing.

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Hey KayC

Making social friendships is probably the way to go, where very little can be lost if you never see the people again.

What I found strange was that in my darkest times in my life, I found reaching out and helping, really did help the healing process.

You can't go wrong with animals.

They are incredible and never reject you.

 

Ritchie

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Hey KayC

Thats really good.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you do?

 

Ritchie

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I volunteer at the Senior Site twice a week and I am Church Treasurer so I work in the church office once a week.  I'm also in the community choir, and am on the Praise Team (leads worship on Sundays).  I find it helps to get out of ourselves and give to others with whatever talents we have.

This week I'm working in Vacation Bible School all week so will do my treasurer duties in the afternoons.

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Hi KayC

Thats great that you are really busy.

In the Uk, summer Hols have started, so Travel prices and everything else is up in price lol

Sometimes it does help to get out of " Ourselves ", but often the contract of when you are back home again can be tough.

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I've belonged to a griefhealing site for 11 years and read each and every post and respond to the ones I feel need it.  I do this because it's my way of paying forward the lifesaving help I received there when I lost my George.  I don't know what I would have done without that place...a place much like this one.  This is my purpose...and it's so important to have purpose.  I do the treasurer's job at my church as my way of contributing to a place that has been my extended family.  The Senior Site I do for ME.  They are so much fun, I just love the seniors, they are a hoot!  They say what they think, laugh, have good fun, and most of them can't hear so they all talk at once. :D

After getting home, walking the dog, and fixing something to eat last night, I was exhausted...watched the news and went to sleep.  Sometimes it feels good to work hard all day and sleep well!

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Hi KayC

To summarise, what are the key points that you learnt whilst, being a member of a Grief healing site?
In fact what do folks find helpful?

I can't believe that healing is down to time, as this makes it seem out of out hands and random.

Ritchie

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I don't think I could summarize all that I've learned, there's been so much!  It's pretty much the same as here.

  • I've learned to take a day at a time...in the earlier days it was an hour or minute at a time.
  • I've learned that while the grief journey continues the rest of our lives, it doesn't stay in the same intensity and it evolves continually.
  • I've learned that in the early days/months thinking of him brought pain, but now it brings a smile.
  • I've learned to carry him inside of me and I can reach inside and draw comfort and encouragement from him any time I need it.
  • I've learned I'm stronger and braver than I ever realized.
  • I've learned to grow moxie when people say stupid things.  (Like, "you need to move on", "you'll find someone else", "he's in a better place", "you shouldn't feel sad", etc.)  I have no tolerance for stuff like that, even if they mean well.  Sure, I handle it with tact, which is more than I can say for them!
  • I've learned to stand up for myself when people try to push their way on me ("you need to move", "you should quit your job and...blah, blah, blah").  I am capable of thinking through things and making decisions that are best for me...what THEY think is right is not necessarily what is right for me.
  • I've learned that even though my life as I knew it ended the moment in time when he died, life does continue...it just changes.
  • I've developed compassion for others going through this...we know how to respond because we've been there.
  • People are uncomfortable with death.  They want to "fix" things and can't fix this...so they run.  They drop us as friends, they flake out on us.  We will make new friends and they will be worth their weight in gold.
  • One of the most important things I've learned is to look for the small joys in my life every day.  The big joy (my husband) is gone, but there are small joys...someone opening a door for me.  Someone letting me merge in traffic.  A friend calling me.  In looking for joy in each day it transforms our attitudes and focus, and thus us.  It turns our hearts to gratefulness rather than all despair.  

 

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Hey KayC

Sorry for the delay, but I needed to read what you posted rather than to skim through it and not giv eit the justice it deserves
I  agree with you're points on you're list.

Grief and loss can't be rushed, as there are no shortcuts, but somedays, things go well, and just like a tight rope walker, something triggers sadness or
101 other emotions.

I found acceptance was a great healer for me.

It has taken me years, but as a Child, I lost both my parents, and with that came a weight over my shoulders, and to me loss is a swear word.

Blessings

Ritchie

 

 

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20 hours ago, Ritchie_uk said:

to me loss is a swear word.

Well it IS a four letter word, for sure! :)
BTW, none of this is easy...but it is doable.  None of it is instant or perfect either, but the first step is a step in the right direction.

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Hey KayC

I know it's not easy only too well.

Talking about not easy, I was reading a post earlier, and it really broke my heart to read.

I sat back and thought that, me coming in here and reading about tragedy, is tough, and not enjoyable, but as I said when I came back a few weeks ago,

I will never forget how much support I recieved when I needed it.

Its like the Gary Allen Song.

It helped me and is personal to me.

 

 

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Hey KayC

I hope it has helped someone at least.
Music kept me going through the dark times,

Bless
Ritchie

 

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Ritchie_uk

Hi People

As hard as it sounds, something good always comes out of a bad situation, or pain.
We need to hang on with the tips of our finger nails, on the cliff edge, with a gale blowing.

For me I work in Mental Health now, and support people to have a quality of life that they deserve.
More importantly, the goal is to equip people to cope, from second to second, and then, minute by minute.
The gap gets longer, and people start coping, but do still have days when it all comes back.

As yourself 1 Question?

I heard that Scientists in Canada have been working on a cure to help you totally forget or erase painful memories.
At the times when I have suffered severe trauma, not the broken relationship that I talk about, but other events, I would have paid £1000,000 for a pack of these tablets, but now, I would pay tens of millions not to take them.

We do get through it, just look at the poets and song writers, that is almost all they sing or write about.

A pattern emerges, where people decide that it's time to move on, and the feeling that they are betraying an ex or a partner who has passed away.

Many who have passed away really want the family to be happy and not be sad.
This video is so sad, and sometimes we have to face up to some sadness, to heal.

I recently had a minor operation, and for 17 years I was putting it off, but 3 months ago, I had the op, and now, the difference is like " Night and Day "

This video is a Video of Hope

My Love goes out to you all.

Ritchie

 

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2 hours ago, Ritchie_uk said:

As yourself 1 Question?

I heard that Scientists in Canada have been working on a cure to help you totally forget or erase painful memories.

I don't think I'd want to erase my painful memories, because to do so is to forget some part of my husband or my mom, even though loss is painful, I would not want to forget the end of their lives either.  Every part was precious, even the painful end.

Thank you for sharing the video, good to hear from you again, it's been a while.

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Ritchie_uk, Thank you for sharing the video. It is said that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud. Every one of us on this forum has that dark cloud over them and this video might very well provide us with the hope that someday, we will find our silver lining.

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Ritchie_uk

Hi KayC,

I hope you are well?

Yes its been a while and I hope all is Ok?

KMB, Thankyou I hope the video does encourage?

I thought somebody was peeling onions whe I watched it.

sorry about the spaces in my text, but I am on an iPad and havn't worked out how to type without massive spaces.

Bless You

Ritchie

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Im back

It seems the safer thing to do is not expect happiness, as it will always get snatched away, or somebody leaves or dies. It is like a constant wobby tight rope of happiness

When I felt better I came back here to encourage, and try and give hope, but im sorry for the lie.

I think i just want to go and live on an island and live the rest of my days there, where no one can leave you by dying.But i guess i would argue with the trees or maybe be sad that my most beautiful flower on the island has died.

The last 10 years have been awful and I have tried to put on a happy face, but I cant do it anymore, this life is cruel and no one cares or understands. People say im too sensitive and need to change, but if somebody I know is sensitive I never say you are too sensitive.

I have run out of resources, Im an overweight, 50 year old with no kids, no job, no money, but I give everybody my last dollar, but when I need somebody, people are always too busy, or 101 other reasons.

i dont get it, so many people have lost loved ones, yet I am still here, I really want the long sleep.

Reading peoples experiences helps because the only time I dont feel numb is when im sad, as I raise my fist in anger to the one who choreographs pain and loss.

No im not drunk or on drugs, but burnt out and dont see any hope.

I do believe I have been cursed.

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I think it takes effort to find hope, not that it just magically appears.  Your video displays hope.  I don't look at it the same way you do, that someone "does this to us" or that we're cursed, but I can see how someone could feel that way.  I think life just happens and it's up to us to deal with it...some have good things happen, others bad, and most of us are somewhere in between with a little of both.  But then had I not had the good thing happen, that is meeting George, I would not be feeling this constant missing him...but then again my life wouldn't have the meaning he gave it either.  I would rather live with the pain of missing him than have the dullness of feeling something was missing and never meeting him.

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Dear People

Sorry, I havnt logged in for quite a while
Thankyou for the email, I received and the words of encouragement.

I have seen my Doctor, and she is amazing and has put me on an anti-depressant called Venlafaxine, and also, I have counselling starting on 5th of Feb.

1 Bit of Great news, is that I have Fostered a Dog, and the way life has gone, is I can foster as many as long as I like.
This Doggie is Beautiful, and I was supposed to keep her for 2 days, that was 3 weeks ago.
She is next to me now snoring.

She has taught me I can be selfish and self-centred, but I don't do it for attention, but I don't know how to deal with the pain.

A Member Sim-law mentioned a year or so ago that getting a pet would help.

She is slowly helping.

Take Care Folks

 

Ritchie

 

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Good on you on all counts, Ritchie!  I can tell from your post that your foster dog is giving your soul some of the nourishment it needs. 

I’ve toyed with the idea of fostering dogs - once grief and my current life isn’t so demanding.  In the meantime I’ll continue to enjoy the neighbours cat and my daughters horses, cows, chooks and cats when I visit her.  

All the best. 

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That is one of the things I tell people to consider...not everyone is a dog person or cat person, but it's something to consider trying and fostering is a good way to start it out because that's not permanent if you find they're not for you.  It's another living breathing creature in the house to have companionship with, to find purpose with.  I don't know what I'd do without my dog, and even my grumpy cat makes our home interesting!

I'm glad things are going better for you and soon you'll be starting your sessions.  We can't really do anything with the pain other than ride it out, it will diminish greatly in time, hang in there!

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