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I'm Struggling please help !!


Ritchie_uk

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Hi there Forum,

 

I posted about my loss, a few weeks ago, I havn't really had any response, and I was wondering why?

Could it be because my Ex hasn't passed away, thank God?

 

I struggle with all the symptoms that people struggle with.

I have had some immense losses in my life, and this loss just seems to add to the pain I am already in.

 

I have been using the chat, and have tried to be there for the regular people that log into the Chat function, as I know they have nobody they can chat to, I would love to be able to chat to people that understand how I feel.

 

I don't know what I am trying to say, except for the fact that I feel lonely and scared and isolated even

tho I try hard not to be, I really miss human contact....

 

 

Any feedback would be appreciated

 

Thanks Ritchie

 

 

 

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Maybe the reason no one really has responded is because the end of a relationship isn't anything near as devastating as the death of a partner.  Not to belittle your loss in anyway whatsoever but I will bet that most of the widows/widowers here wish their loss was just the end of a relationship.  I can understand the similarities to a certain extent but it is no where near the loss that I, for one, feel on a daily basis.  I lost my husband of 34 years to death, not a breakup.  My life was suddenly ripped out from under my feet.  If only Jerry were still alive, I could speak to him if I wanted.  Just knowing he was still on the planet would settle so much of the conflict I feel in my life every day.

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Hey Jude

 

Thanks for replying, I cant fully understand what it feels like to lose somebody, really close to you.

I am suffering heavy losses in my life, and for this to happen has really taken its toll on me.

 

All I would like is to chat to people that can understand, and maybe help me know what the next step is.

 

My Thoughts are with you

 

Ritchie  :-)

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Hi Ritchie,

Sorry to hear your relationship had ended. I don't want to compare my pains of losing the husband, a love of my life, my soulmate for 15 years. He passed away within 10 days in ICU from a healthy person. We didn't have time to say good bye.

I couldn't explain how I feel. It's been almost a month since he passed away. I thought I was OK in the first week but then the third or forth weeks is getting worse. I'm now in the stage of depression. I cried like crazy person. I knew it won't help or bring him back.

Will your relationship amend? Can you find out what can be done or fixed? You can tell me how you feel. I will come here to listen. It's a kind to help me too. Be patient with my English. I'm not a English native speaker.

Cheers,

DT

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Hi Dtaya,

 

Im so sorry to hear of your loss, life must be unbearable for you at the moment, I wish there was something I could do or stay.

I dont understand how the human emotions work, but I guess from looking at the graph of grief, this is when it starts hitting home.

I remember the first week, I thought I was fine, and then I started to realise it was for real.

I wasn't eating well or sleeping, and I found myself isolating myself from people, and I found the only way to get through it daily minute by minute was to cry.

 

I ended up going up to the doctor and getting anti-depressants.

 

I ended up losing my job due to not coping well, I didnt shave for days and eat absolute minimum and ended up losing weight also.

 

I had so many thoughts of not wanting to live, as I couldnt see how I would go on without the love of my life.

 

Thanks for listening

 

I hope to chat soon

 

Ritchie

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Hello everyone. Can anyone help me with my problem please. I lost my dear wife 7 months ago after 49 years. I have been desparately trying  to visualise the very happy times we had together. Everytime I try to think ,my mind keeps focusing on her sickness and ultimate death. I am scared stiff that I may forget her or our life together. How can I go back obver our life without focusing on just the end. Please help   Brian

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Brijac - don't you have photos etc that you can look at?

 

Sometimes I feel so horrible because I didn't go to the funeral home to see my husband's body.  I just couldn't.  I knew #1, that my knees would give out and I'd end up on the floor and #2 that I would wail and be inconsolable .  I'm glad that seeing his dead body isn't the last image I have in my mind.  That must be awful.

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Hi Ritchie, I sent you a message. Let me know if you didn't get it.

Hi Brijac, I'm so sorry about your lost. 49 years together is such a long time. It's longer than my age. I lost my husband just over a month. We married about 15 years but I knew him since I was a student at Unit. I was 25 years old. It was not as long like yours but we had only each other and a dog.

My pains and sorrows are still there. There is no days that I haven't missed or cried. I have up and down. It depends on the weather, people around me and environment.

I found it help to come here reading, responding to others.

Don't get scared that you may forget her. It will never happen. You might allow yourself to enjoy life a bit when the pains ease but she will always be in your head. Same as mine.

Next month will be his birthday and in January n my birthday will be our wedding anniversary. I don't know yet how will I cope but I will take one day at a time.

Are you alright financial thing? Hopefully, it won't be another problem for you. Do you have children or grandchildren around to keep yourself busy? If not, keep yourself busy, you can keep talking to me if you like. Message me if you would like to talk so we can organize something.

DT

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Thank you for your replies. It is comforting to know that I will never forget my wife. As I said the images at the moment are all about her sickness and passing away. I tend to put a brave face on to everyone.  Like everyone said all grief is personal and different to all. Brijac

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Dear Brijac,

 

Its difficult to know what to say, but I really hope there has been a positive change in your life, my thoughts are with you.

I have already made a friend on this forum with someone who has had tragic loss, and we are helping each other on Skype.

 

Feel free to email me if you need to.

 

Take care

 

Ritchie

 

Thank you for your replies. It is comforting to know that I will never forget my wife. As I said the images at the moment are all about her sickness and passing away. I tend to put a brave face on to everyone.  Like everyone said all grief is personal and different to all. Brijac

 

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Hi Richie,

 

I recently lost my son and father ... this loss was so deep.  I remember thinking, I have felt this pain at another time in my life...when?  Ahhh...I remember, when I lost my first love of my life at 19.  The same pain, deep loss, deep deep saddness and a loss for what to do.  Who could help?  No one understood.  I went to a counselor and they told me to hug a tree...big help! 

 

I do find reading others stories and trying to share my own experience has helped.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling isolated and lonely, this is not a good place to be.  Please don't give up on this site...it takes folks awhile to check in...I just started reading recent posts so that I can reach out to all types of loss and not be so selfish to only focus on my own.

 

This has helped me heal as well.

 

I hope you find peace and strength to carry on...one day at a time....remember, God loves you.

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Wow ldressle

 

Thats must be really tough for you, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your relations.

I really hope you find peace and joy again in your life.

 

This forum is great as it has many people going through loss on it, and I hope you find many of the posts helpful

 

ldressle Take care

 

 

 

Hi Richie,

 

I recently lost my son and father ... this loss was so deep.  I remember thinking, I have felt this pain at another time in my life...when?  Ahhh...I remember, when I lost my first love of my life at 19.  The same pain, deep loss, deep deep saddness and a loss for what to do.  Who could help?  No one understood.  I went to a counselor and they told me to hug a tree...big help! 

 

I do find reading others stories and trying to share my own experience has helped.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling isolated and lonely, this is not a good place to be.  Please don't give up on this site...it takes folks awhile to check in...I just started reading recent posts so that I can reach out to all types of loss and not be so selfish to only focus on my own.

 

This has helped me heal as well.

 

I hope you find peace and strength to carry on...one day at a time....remember, God loves you.

 

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Its not long before Christmas, I really hope people wont find it tough, and they do feel some happiness, with friends and family.

Including myself

 

Ritchie

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Christmas has been tough, Christmas day was great with my Family and little ones, but now, I have been in bed for 2 days, not wanting to get up or even eat.

 

It feels like because my partner is still alive that people dont understand

 

I hope people are doing ok in here?

 

Ritchie

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Hi Richie,

 

Christmas was and still is really tough for me also, it was always a very special time for us. Now having lost my wife and my mother this year, there are only memories of Christmas past.  

 

I live in the USA but came from England about 13 years ago to marry my American wife now have no family here and do not know many people either. My Christmas consisted of getting hammered  and playing vintage heavy metal (only temporary relief)

 

Hope you and everyone here has a better 2015.

 

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Hi Ritchie,

 

Would you allow me to say I am sorry for your suffered losses even though we are strangers? I now can empathize with and feel sad for people finding out they lost a significant person in their close circle of family and friends.

 

My loss was brought on by my estranged partner of 9 years not married and 22 years married. He fell for another woman. We have a court hearing on Jan. 21, 2015 and I am overwhelmed with having to appear in a public court to discuss our personal lives. I am crushed.

Loss has a way of changing everything. I find being alone at home feels comfortable on some days but I am so so lonely. I decided to experience loneliness instead of my always trying to do away with it. I am exhausted with the pain in my heart. It is wearing on me. Thanks for listening.

 

 

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Hello!

The same wth me, including that even aprt of his family I know did not show too muyh respect neither to him nor to me.

When I came here caht was compeltely empty, it was Christmas.

Anyway, we are all stil here.

 

I also still do not accept my bf is late.

Wish U well!

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Hi Richie,

 

Christmas was and still is really tough for me also, it was always a very special time for us. Now having lost my wife and my mother this year, there are only memories of Christmas past.  

 

I live in the USA but came from England about 13 years ago to marry my American wife now have no family here and do not know many people either. My Christmas consisted of getting hammered  and playing vintage heavy metal (only temporary relief)

 

Hope you and everyone here has a better 2015.

 

Dear SIm-Law,

 

Thankyou for your kind words, Im so sorry you lost your Wife and Your mother, thats really tough to even read about.

 

I am just outside London, Uk, and wondering do you miss the Uk?

If you were local we could have played together as I play the guitar also, I could learn a lot from you, I love Rock music.

 

I hope to chat soon

 

Ritchie x x

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Hi Ritchie,

 

Would you allow me to say I am sorry for your suffered losses even though we are strangers? I now can empathize with and feel sad for people finding out they lost a significant person in their close circle of family and friends.

 

My loss was brought on by my estranged partner of 9 years not married and 22 years married. He fell for another woman. We have a court hearing on Jan. 21, 2015 and I am overwhelmed with having to appear in a public court to discuss our personal lives. I am crushed.

Loss has a way of changing everything. I find being alone at home feels comfortable on some days but I am so so lonely. I decided to experience loneliness instead of my always trying to do away with it. I am exhausted with the pain in my heart. It is wearing on me. Thanks for listening.

 

Hi Leisurely,

 Thankyou so much for your lovely response, being strangers or not, it means a lot.

 

Thats tough that he fell for another woman, my heart goes out to you, and I really do hope that the court hearing on the 21st of Jan, isnt too traumatic for you, and it goes in your favour, I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

I enjoy being on my own sometimes because being in public is so hard, I mean I loved Christmas day with my Nephews and Neices and family that I adore so much, but for 2 days after that I couldnt get out of bed.

 

I really appreciate your response and take care x x

 

Ritchie

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Hello!

The same wth me, including that even aprt of his family I know did not show too muyh respect neither to him nor to me.

When I came here caht was compeltely empty, it was Christmas.

Anyway, we are all stil here.

 

I also still do not accept my bf is late.

Wish U well!

 

mmm,

How are you doing?

Thankyou for your response to my message, I hope that feeling of emptyness leaves you and you have a good 2015.

 

I hope you can find happiness soon.

 

Take care

 

Chat soon

 

Ritchie

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Dear SIm-Law,

 

Thankyou for your kind words, Im so sorry you lost your Wife and Your mother, thats really tough to even read about.

 

I am just outside London, Uk, and wondering do you miss the Uk?

If you were local we could have played together as I play the guitar also, I could learn a lot from you, I love Rock music.

 

I hope to chat soon

 

Ritchie x x

 

Hi Richie,

 

I do miss some things about the UK, I lived near Bath and liked the countryside and country pubs. There are benefits living in the US most things are significantly cheaper especially motoring, no car tax, cheap cars and petrol at about 2 quid a gallon so my gas guzzling Mustang GT is OK. 

 

I should add that I was not playing Rock music on guitar but on my hifi however, I just bought a custom blue Rainsong acoustic/electric guitar my first for decades, it is to try and take my mind off things. 

 

Best for the new year.

 

Keep in touch

 

Simon

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Hi Simon,

I hope your hanging in there, and are having some kind of support or human contact?

Im so glad Christmas is over.

I had 1 day that was bitter sweet and that was Christmas day, with my loved ones.

I posted a message around Christmas, and ended up deleting it. I was in bed for 10 days after Christmas day,

I hope one day soon, i can look back at these posts and be in a better place emotionally.

I somehow wish i could collect all of us grieving people together in the same room and just spend time chatting and comforting each other over coffee.

Take care

Ritchie

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Hi People,

 

Its Valentines day here in the Uk, everybody is doing something, all these happy friends of mine on Facebook and other social media sites are in love.

 

I feel sad and empty.

 

What little Love I have goes out to you all.

 

 

Ritchie

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Know the feeling all too well Ritchie.  This was my 3rd Valentine's Day alone.  It is no fun at all is it?  Nothing is fun anymore really.  I hate being a widow.

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Hi Jude & Richie,

 

I agree its no fun being alone on these occasions. Actually its just a little worse than every other day, I was always an optimist at heart but now the only thing I look forward t is the past.

 

Hope things get better for you.

 

Simon 

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I know exactly what your saying.  The future holds no promise.  At least it didn't.  And I did find myself living in the past, a lot!!

 

One day...I can't say when, but it is going to feel like you broke through the surface of the pond you are drowning in.  That is the only way I can describe it.  Lately, I have been so incredibly happy.  I mean real, genuine happiness.  I don't know where it came from but I'm glad it is here and I am starting to move forward.

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Hi Simon and Jude,

 

Simon thanks for your response, all my regards to you, I hope you are ok?

 

Jude, Reading your post gives many, and me a lot of Hope, it really does. Even tho I havnt been in this chat forum for long, I am always Logging in and reading messages, this is a Lifeline for me.

 

Valentines day sucks, so I want to forget about it.

 

I went to my Doctor the other day, because I had a bad episode, last wednesday, and hopefully I can start getting some therapy or treatment for whats going on in my life.

 

One suggestion my Doctor said is to get a Cat, and thats not the first person thats suggested that, that might be a small breakthrough I need.

 

Take Care

 

Ritchie

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Hey Simon

 

I love Smudgie already, such a pretty cat, thanks for posting the photo.

It might sound silly but how do pets help you cope?

I really love animals, Im excited to get a Cat in Spring hopefully.

 

Ibarnard - Thankyou for reaching out feel free to pm  Private message me if you need to.

 

There are so many on this forum that really care and understand, and so can support you also.

 

 

Ritchie

 

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how r u doing now?

 

Hey ladyruf54,

 

Thanks for asking, today I have tried to be busy by listening to music and youtube.

 

How are you?

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I just loss my husband on Feb 6...I have a hard time @night time when everybody sleep..in the daytime I have my moments.. it's just hard..

Hey ladyruf54, it is really tough, it must be, please hang in there.

Im in the Uk and will be online for another hour or so, but I think USA is awake now 8 hours behind.

Its 3:00 am now

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Ladyruf,

So sorry for your loss, 6 Feb is very recent and your grief will be raw. The pain should fade a little with time but the memory will not. Most of us get used to this new life even if we do not like it and by coming to this forum is a good step in the healing process.

Peace and Hope

Simon

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Richie,

 

Its comforting to have a pet in the house and it is especially good when they are there to greet you when you come home. It is good to have another living being to care for and who needs you and they can also make you smile with their silly antics.

 

Good luck finding a cat.

 

Simon

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The Master68

Brijac - don't you have photos etc that you can look at?

 

Sometimes I feel so horrible because I didn't go to the funeral home to see my husband's body.  I just couldn't.  I knew #1, that my knees would give out and I'd end up on the floor and #2 that I would wail and be inconsolable .  I'm glad that seeing his dead body isn't the last image I have in my mind.  That must be awful.

 

It is. I found my wife in bed, dead. I knew, immediately, that she was gone. There were markings and colorations on her skin that I only saw on TV. I did go to view the body, as I wanted the last time to not be her in bed.

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Ritchie_uk

Hi Everybody.

I was doing so well, and then Bam it hit me.

Today's been the worst day, and has been for a long time now and I have nobody.

 

It was my 50th 4 weeks ago, and I have come to the realisation that I will never have anybody, as nobody would want me.

I'm not ugly, outside or inside.

Many days I read the posts on Grieving website, and just cried.

I shook my fist at a God that allows this to happen to you poor people.

Why does he have to take any of your lovely partners, when I am left wandering this earth, not wanting to.

 

I give out so much, to anybody, even when I have nothing to offer.

I speak to strangers on the street, beggars, anybody that looks in need.

I lost my job 2 weeks ago, and have to live on pennies now, but I still give to beggars.

I havn't had a proper Job for 3 years, money is a constant worry.

 

No, I don't want a medal, I don't want sympathy, all I want is to find a purpose why I was born.

I want somebody I can hold and talk to and share how I feel, and tell how my day went.

 

All I want is somebody to Love me, and accept me for who I am.

I'm always caring and put people first.

 

I have worked out, that if I'm 50 now, in 30 - 40 years I wont be around, I can't wait.

No one would miss me anyway, in fact the food and drink I use up, could be given to somebody in life that needs it.

 

I'm not crazy, don't worry, I just ask for the basics in life, Food, Water, Warmth, and Love beyond all.

 

Why was I born, I don't understand it and never will.

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Hi Richie,

 

Sorry about your situation, losing your job is a serious stressor itself. Have you got a cat yet? I know its nowhere near having a special person in your life, but it does help a little to be able to give affection to another living creature.

 

Peace and hope,

 

Simon

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Richie, I'm really sorry for all that you've been through.

 

Your time will come when you meet the right woman. You seem to be a very caring, sympathetic and loving guy. Look it me. I'm 49 and have never dated and no boyfriends. I've come to accept the fact a long time ago that it was meant to be. Like you, I'm not bad looking at all. I've had men interested in me, but, that's as far as it goes. I'm handicapped from a stroke...but no paralysis. I was laid off 2 yrs ago to be a caretaker.

 

Richie, please don't be down on yourself. You will meet that special someone. Don't give up!  :)

 

Good Luck!

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Hi Ritchie,

I believe all of us has a reason of why we are here on earth. We had a purpose in life. Hold on to God and have faith in Him. Honestly that's what helps me. Sometimes I felt confuse. It's been 4 months since my husband died. I thought I'm done grieving but I'm wrong. My husband's face kept flushing on my mind. I met him on his lowest point. He lost his business and his ex wife left him. We've been struggling financially in 10 years. I stayed with him because I love him so much. He was the greatest man I have ever met. We were able to over pass the difficulties together. We were both happy and contented with each other. The happier we were when our baby was born last Sept 2014. I was so proud of Walter. He was my best friend ever. So now I decided to continue my grief rather than hiding it because I felt tired I'm okay when I'm really not okay yet. I am praying to God to fill our heart with full of unconditional love. To let us see the brithter side of life. I really tried to help myself to be more optimistic. I am positive our heart will he healed soon.

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Four month is not nearly enough time to get through this journey.  Have patience with yourself and allow yourself to live in the grief.  It does get better....for some of us.

 

I lost my husband 2 1/2 yrs ago.  We were married 33 year.  Next weekend would be our 35th wedding anniversary.  You need to find a good source of support.  This forum is excellent.  And then just go, one day at a time.  Its hard, really hard.  Let yourself feel and experience the pain, the loneliness, the heartbreak.  I know it sounds stupid and very cliche but it does get easier.

 

My deepest sympathies to all of you struggling.

 

Judy

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Hi Dear Members.

 

 

Hi MSN87, Ferid, Sim-law and Judy.

I quickly logged in last night and had to log in today and say Thankyou for all your Kind words, and encouragements.

I have been in a Yoyo of emotions, somedays Im ok, but other days, I really struggle with every area of my life.

 

I wish there was a way I could scoop you all up in Loving arms and take all the pain away, may all of us go onto a Beautiful Desert island where We had Sun Surf, and Sugar coloured Sand, and amazing food, of course where we could all just forget our pains.

 

Sim-law, I havnt got a cat yet, since I lost some work hours, I have had to be financially sensible.

The proof that animals are great is that, I had a crap week last week, and went to my neighbours for the first time in all the years I have been here and asked if I could play with their Pug Dog, he so Funny, his names Mylo, but I call him Mr Pug.

We all went outside, and my other neighbour came out with his Dog a Boxer called Ellie.

 

I'm saying this because I went in my House and felt so much better for a while.

 

My Perfect Desert Island would be with Sun Sand Surf, food forever and animals, and my Music, and no Humans ever again.

 

I want to be with somebody, but the Risk and the pain I might feel again isn't worth it, even tho deep down I want somebody, and have so much Love to give.

 

Being on a Forum like this is safe, not everybody judges you.

 

I want to win the Lottery, and Fix the Stinking world and all the pain thats in it, or maybe if I was God for a month, I would Kneel down in the darkness with hurting people and Fix them.

 

To be fixed for me is to bring the past back.

 

My Favorite Quote

There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternal now that builds and creates out of the past something new and better
- Goethe -

 

Take Care Precious People x x

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Hi Dear Members

I havn't logged in for quite a few months now, but I havn't forgotten how supportive everybody has been towards me.

I am so glad to be back now.

I really want to come back and say Thankyou to everybody who has supported me with kind words and emails.

I havn't come back to say I wont be coming back or to rub anybody's noses in it.

My loss wasn't to death, but its only 3 1/2 years down the line that I can say that I am 99.9% over my loss, of a relationship of somebody who I deeply Loved very much.

We were like Velcro, always together.

She meant the world to me.

I hope it helps to summarise Then and Now of how I felt and struggled from a loss of my Partner.

 

Then

1. Initially for a few weeks I was numb. ( I was fine about the Loss for a week or 2 )

2. I then started panicking, and trying to work out ways of reconciliation. ( Pleading, Begging, Compromising )

3. Realisation set in and anger ( Towards myself and how could I have messed up and how I could have avoided it including Self harm, also Loss of my future and dreams )

4. Depression and loss of control ( For example I walked into a shop and started crying ) ( I lost my Job also )

5. I became a recluse and didn't want to deal with the world ( Ended up on Anti-depressants and slept for hours on end )

6. Felt hopeless and Totally worthless and that It was too late and life was over.

7. I lost all my creativity, ( My Music, Art, Cooking, Photography and 101 other hobbies ) ( My Health wasn't great Overweight, High Blood pressure etc )

8. Through all that pain, I still made time to help and support People and Animals.

 

The turning Point

This happened on Christmas day 2015,  when I was sitting around the table with my Family, with everybody from the Youngest to the oldest.

( I was dreading Christmas for months, as the relationship ended Christmas 3 years ago )

I knew I couldn't go on living like a Zombie, in this shell and cocoon of darkness.

I couldn't afford to buy anybody presents, and the best meal I had for months was the Christmas dinner with my family that day.

I realised I didn't want to be in the same situation next Christmas, or did I? ( Did I want to Live )

I had no strength, but I tried to find things to cling onto, like the Photos of my family on my bedroom wall.

Friends seemed non-existent and I felt didn't care, or understand.

 

Now

1. I have come to terms with the Loss.

2. I have stopped blaming myself.

3. I realised on my 50th Birthday, that I am on this planet for a reason. ( I need to find why - I still don't know yet )

4. I realised not having a partner was not important anymore.

5. When I thought about it, I realise the intensity of pain wasn't as much. ( What is pain measured in? Like Distance is in Miles or Kilometres )

6. When we are hurting we are very tender, and the slightest thing can upset us. ( I now fight for people's rights, feelings and emotions in my Job )

7. I work for a charity that deals with all of people emotional issues, and however small they seem to us every person is precious, and significant.

( I did the job for Love not money, in fact I am financially a lot worse off working there now )

 

As the Jerry Springer's Final thoughts says:

I hope this post has helped, and really given people Hope that there is Light at the end of the Tunnel.

I am not saying that Lightly, I really mean it.

We become stronger, but please don't become Cynical and bitter like I did for a while.

I am in a Happy place now and life is good emotionally,

I can get out of bed and look forward to the day, and not lie in bed all day, barely functioning.

I'm a Man, I didn't want Help, I felt I could do it all my myself, and if I didn't manage it then I was a huge failure.

 

Please Take Care and lots of Love

Ritchie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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velvettuberose
1 hour ago, Ritchie_uk said:

Hi Dear Members

I havn't logged in for quite a few months now, but I havn't forgotten how supportive everybody has been towards me.

I am so glad to be back now.

I really want to come back and say Thankyou to everybody who has supported me with kind words and emails.

I havn't come back to say I wont be coming back or to rub anybody's noses in it.

My loss wasn't to death, but its only 3 1/2 years down the line that I can say that I am 99.9% over my loss, of a relationship of somebody who I deeply Loved very much.

We were like Velcro, always together.

She meant the world to me.

I hope it helps to summarise Then and Now of how I felt and struggled from a loss of my Partner.

 

Then

1. Initially for a few weeks I was numb. ( I was fine about the Loss for a week or 2 )

2. I then started panicking, and trying to work out ways of reconciliation. ( Pleading, Begging, Compromising )

3. Realisation set in and anger ( Towards myself and how could I have messed up and how I could have avoided it including Self harm, also Loss of my future and dreams )

4. Depression and loss of control ( For example I walked into a shop and started crying ) ( I lost my Job also )

5. I became a recluse and didn't want to deal with the world ( Ended up on Anti-depressants and slept for hours on end )

6. Felt hopeless and Totally worthless and that It was too late and life was over.

7. I lost all my creativity, ( My Music, Art, Cooking, Photography and 101 other hobbies ) ( My Health wasn't great Overweight, High Blood pressure etc )

8. Through all that pain, I still made time to help and support People and Animals.

 

The turning Point

This happened on Christmas day 2015,  when I was sitting around the table with my Family, with everybody from the Youngest to the oldest.

( I was dreading Christmas for months, as the relationship ended Christmas 3 years ago )

I knew I couldn't go on living like a Zombie, in this shell and cocoon of darkness.

I couldn't afford to buy anybody presents, and the best meal I had for months was the Christmas dinner with my family that day.

I realised I didn't want to be in the same situation next Christmas, or did I? ( Did I want to Live )

I had no strength, but I tried to find things to cling onto, like the Photos of my family on my bedroom wall.

Friends seemed non-existent and I felt didn't care, or understand.

 

Now

1. I have come to terms with the Loss.

2. I have stopped blaming myself.

3. I realised on my 50th Birthday, that I am on this planet for a reason. ( I need to find why - I still don't know yet )

4. I realised not having a partner was not important anymore.

5. When I thought about it, I realise the intensity of pain wasn't as much. ( What is pain measured in? Like Distance is in Miles or Kilometres )

6. When we are hurting we are very tender, and the slightest thing can upset us. ( I now fight for people's rights, feelings and emotions in my Job )

7. I work for a charity that deals with all of people emotional issues, and however small they seem to us every person is precious, and significant.

( I did the job for Love not money, in fact I am financially a lot worse off working there now )

 

As the Jerry Springer's Final thoughts says:

I hope this post has helped, and really given people Hope that there is Light at the end of the Tunnel.

I am not saying that Lightly, I really mean it.

We become stronger, but please don't become Cynical and bitter like I did for a while.

I am in a Happy place now and life is good emotionally,

I can get out of bed and look forward to the day, and not lie in bed all day, barely functioning.

I'm a Man, I didn't want Help, I felt I could do it all my myself, and if I didn't manage it then I was a huge failure.

 

Please Take Care and lots of Love

Ritchie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, Ritchie,

Whereas your loss is not related to death, I admire your willingness to voice your feelings.That is a strength. Men do not do that often. In fact, very rarely...

I am glad that you are in a happier place now. Losing a loved one is hard and painful, but losing a loved one because they died is excruciating. 

Not a lot of us here in this category can say that getting out of bed in the morning is something we look forward to. It is not...for me especially. 

Yes, we do become stronger. We don't have a choice. I don't know about the bitterness and the cynical aspect. It is more like anger and difficulty to accept that we cannot control what happened to us, the fact that our loved ones are gone. FOREVER!!!

Anyway...we have to survive. That is all I can say.

Take care of yourself as well and love will find its way back to your heart one day.

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Hi Velvettuberose

Thankyou for you're response.

I totally agree with you that losing someone to death is excruciating.

My recovery time is often long, due to having a constant sense of deep loss from Childhood and throughout my life.

I read a while ago in the "Loss of a Pet section" of a person who lost a pet Pigeon, and I truly felt the persons pain and poignancy.

Even the loss of a pet mouse can be devastating for someone.

Loss is Loss

 

I am aware that this post isn't about me, and I know that's not what you are saying, but I am in a good place now, and too often people forget, but I hope I am not one of the people that forget.

Some people feel powerless and also feel they don't have a choice, for many reasons.

I dedicated my life a long time ago, and career path, to be there for people, even if its just a text to say " I'm here for you " or on a professional basis to counsel people.

 

I don't have the answers, but all I know is that being truly caring and supportive is so important.

This isn't always appreciated as surprising as this sound.

Also giving people space, to grieve, but often people don't know what to say to a grieving person, and that makes the person feel isolated.

There are no rules.

Bed is a place of comfort and safety as I clearly recall and also dreaming was sometimes an escape but often, it was a place where you had to face a vivid

realisation of ones loss.

 

Ritchie
 

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Hi Velvettuberose

I am really thankful for your response, and I hope that you're coping this evening/morning? ( You are probably 8 hours behind UK Time? )

You have made some valuable comments, that after a nights sleep has got me thinking about what you have said.

I know that if I wanted to talk about Loss, I know that you would understand and know the right words to say to me, or anybody else in fact.

Unfortunately, no one can be taught that.

I just noticed that my last post was on July 14th 2015, I can't believe how time has flown.

I will try and be hovering around Chat in the evenings Uk time.

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/chat/

 

Thanks a million

Take Care

Ritchie

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Been there!  I was engaged for a year when my BF's mom was dying and he quit his job to be her caregiver 24/7.  He broke up with me and went no contact...he did so by Fed Ex (to my workplace no less) so I didn't even get the benefit of a discussion.  It not only broke my heart but I was so befuddled as to how he could do that with no regards to my feelings.  I kept busy but cried a lot when alone.  The worst repercussion was what it did to my ability to trust.  This was the sweetest guy and if he could break my heart like that, god knows what someone else could do!

Fast forward years later.  I don't date, I've accepted being alone and have struck a balance in my life of being around people and having solitude.  I'm active in my church and community, volunteer, and spend time with my animals.  For me, living in nature helps.

My XBF and I resumed talking after his mom passed, but I accepted that we were no longer a couple and over the years I've come to realize that he was sleep deprived and unable to deal with anything but taking care of his mom, and that was taking it's toll, in addition to anticipatory grieving.  He is Asperger's and as such, they tend to focus on one thing at a time to the exclusion of everything else, and I'm sure that contributed as well.  He no longer trusted himself not to hurt me or someone else, and has not dated since, he had not expected anything like this to happen any more than I did.  I've learned in the years since that this is actually a common type of grief response, nor for everyone, but for a significant amount of grievers.

I learned some of the same things that you did through this experience.  We do learn to get past heart break, even though we are changed through our experience.

Today we are good friends as we both value each other and are close...friendship is good, and can only be possible because neither of us secretly wishes for something else or tries to change each other.

Continued good luck in your journey!

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Hi KayC

I hope you are well today?

I totally relate to what you have said, especially the bit about "  This was the sweetest guy and if he could break my heart like that, god knows what someone else could do! "

That totally hit the nail on the head, and also the part about trusting animals more than Humans.

I really don't want anybody in my life again, as now I am free from depression and at peace and really enjoy life.

It's not been an easy road, and a Quote I read a while ago said.

I am in control of my situation now

Therefore in order to win me over your presence better be better than my solitude.

You are competing against my comfort zone

Not another person!

 

I was also involved in Church, but for a few reasons havn't stepped back in a Church again.

You are so right about the fact that we learn through pain.

 

The thing I still havn't worked out is how do we measure, Quantify Pain.

How many Ouches do we have to receive before we decide to not put up with it?

Im constantly being vulnerable, I never seem to learn.

Do you keep feeding the Dog that constantly bites you?

I do, I try and learn why the Dog bites me.

What's interesting is that some of the Folks I work with in Mental health, are even more messed up that the Folks we look after.

One great thing about coming out of depression is that Creativity Totally Blooms, its an amazing feeling

Or perhaps its coming off the anti-depressants.

 

I have said it before, if I won the Lottery, I would so want to help people.

But the other side of the coin is, I don't need money.

 

Take care

 

Ritchie  :-)

 

 

 

 

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