I need to let go

[MJH]

My father has been gone for almost 18 months and I realized something today that worries me. I feel OK... That's good right? Well not really, because i'm never any better than OK. 6 months ago I got really depressed and angry, but when i started to come out of it I realized that i hadn't been there for my wife and kids at all. I was distant and disconnected. I made a decision to pick myself up and "get back in the game" for them. I think things got better, but I didn't feel better. Last week I found out that a person who has been a mentor to me in my career and a close personal friend may have cancer. The news has pushed me right back to where I started... Distant and disconnected. I read in another person's post that their mother lost her mother years ago and never made it out of her depression. She died depressed having alienated her family because she couldn't get past her mother's death. I'm affraid that I may be headed down that path and I don't know how  to stop it. How do I let go and be happy again?

[Ravenstar]

Hi MJH,

What caught my attention was your mention of the woman who died depressed over her mother's death. She obviously hadn't found a healthy way to deal with her grief, so it ran her life. But then, reading your post again, my mind took me back. (It's my own Wayback Machine, helping me to draw on experience.)

Many years ago I found myself in an endocrine crisis which left me with almost no energy. I was in university at the time, and I dragged my feet every step from my car to my classes. Sometimes I had to stop and rest on the maybe two-block hike, with everyone passing me. I had to sleep enormous amounts.  It seemed like I would never get better. But then one day I found I could walk normally to my classes - not fast, but not stopping either. And after more months I could actually run again. What a pleasure that was.

I'd never thought of this before in relation to my grieving process(es), but there are many parallels. After the shock of a death, or more than one death, we are severely wounded and need time (and whatever heals us) to recover.

My feelings are similar to yours since my mother's passing, over 2 years ago now, and Ravenstar's a year ago. Each time, at first I was like an invalid, unable to function "normally". I caused some mishaps, both by my actions and by not paying attention to my responsibilities. I have had to forgive myself for those.

By now I'm at the stage, and I think you are too, of feeling OK - at least sometimes. But life is still grey - not hideously black as it was, but not in full colour either. This state compares to my being able to walk again after my health disaster. At this point I'm not even aiming for being happy (being able to run); I realize I'm still a long way from that. But I think I can say neither of us is allowing ourselves to live and eventually die in a depression; your reaching out for support could have been the very thing that poor woman didn't do. I think happiness will catch us both by surprise some day when we least expect it.

So I keep on, doggedly doing what I've found heals me and avoiding what doesn't. I keep trying to know myself better and understand those I've lost. I try to see setbacks as temporary, not as alarming signs that I'm headed for disaster. I keep inviting love in. I try to help others in need. And I consciously give thanks for those who have not walked away from me, who still believe in me. This is what works for me, but I can't tell another what will work for them. We all have to figure that out for ourselves, which might be the purpose of this existence, who knows. I think it's possible that death is necessary to bring us up short, to make us realize that we need to be gentle with those we still have - and of course with ourselves.

I do hope this helps. All the best to you.. If you want to PM me, you're welcome; it will be easier to respond.
 

[around_here11]

I like the concept that was said about how there are things we can focus on to help us through our grieving. I can honestly say that even though my mom has been gone over a year, I'm still in a consistent state of disbelief that she's gone and confusion of how I'm supposed to live this life without her. I wouldn't focus on the ultimate goal of "letting go and being happy" I would focus on what steps can I take to get happier. Because we all know how difficult it is to lose someone we love and how no matter what you always feel that loss. The trick is to find things that give you comfort, things that make you smile, things that, even for a minute, can distract you from feeling that sadness and loss, then that minute turns into an hour, the hour turns into a day, etc.... For me, I needed to go on anxiety and depression medication for help....but I also have a brother I talk to about what I'm feeling sometimes and my adorable beagle I cuddle with at times I feel especially sad. My advice is maybe counseling or medication might help you overcome that hurdle. You seem to have people in your life who love you and who you love, yet that doesn't seem to be enough. Nobody likes to admit they need outside help like that and think if they aren't getting over their grief on their own there is something wrong with them. Not the case. But, like ravenstar said, that is what helps me. There are tons of ways you can make it through this before it will ever get to the extreme you mentioned.