Loss of a Young Child

[chels1003]

Dear Bonnie,

I had just posted and what you had to say was fantastic and true..."They say the only way out of this is through it... so I say let's at least walk the road together."

I was angry for a while about not enough groups available to me when I felt I needed them. I was especially upset with compassionate friends. they never even called me back now, or then.

I

do however feel unmoved by "drunks" having more time in a group environment during the month. Think about it. If we were all losing children at the rate it took others to pick up a drink...I'd rather it be them that need more help than we do.

I understand your point. The emotions are sometimes unbearable. It may not be immediate. Yet someone always answers. Beyond is here 24/7. Some one is always listenig even if they don't know the right words to say each and every time there is a post.

Take Care...Chelsie

[teagynsmum]

Everybody else thinks it's time for me to get over it and get on with it. (Some people think it's past time.) Can't these people understand that I don't WANT to "get over it",

hi Bonnie,

thanks so much for sharing with me. Don't you just hate how people who have bnever experienced a loss are the ones tellign you to get over it. I like you never will, i will have a missing piece the rest of my life, my heart will forever have a whole in it. I to don't want to get over it, Teagyn lived adn still does, as long as i am here on earth Teagyns life and memory will be to. I mention her name all the time and i don't care if people want to hear it.

I have not touched Teagyns room, i havent touched a thing, everything still as it is, everything will remain that way. you will alwys walk in to my house and see her room, see her pictures and see her wheelchair, her presence is every were.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[teagynsmum]

hey Chelise

thanks so much for posting to me, i feel as though i am ready. I know that no other child will ever replace Teagyn. I just feel such a need to be a mum, to have someone to care for. I know that they will not be "my" children and i will have to give them back, i am going in to it knowing that. Like i have said to everyone that has asked me, yes i will love and care for this child, but when they leave i will feel the emptiness of not haveing a child in the house, but i have endured the ultimate loss, when Teagyn passed, nothing in life will ever hurt me like that again.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[biadmin]

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http://www.beyondindigo.com/buddyfind/index.html

[laurensmummy]

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

I had joined here after losing by little girl Lauren (4 1/2) last March, but have beenunable to respond, until know. I have read your messages and this is just how I feel. We have another child luckily who has helped to get through every day. She is now 3 and is just starting to realise want she has lost in losing her sister. It is so sad to see her little eyes when she sees her friends with their brother and sisters, I am currently expecting this September, I just desperately felt the need to have another ray of light something for us all to look forward to. But on the other hand I feel so guilty, it is hard, knowing who to carry on and what new paths to follow. I too thought about fostering, and will think about this again perhaps in the future.

It is very annoying how people just expect you to get over it, I never ever will and still struggle everyday, but I look at my little girl and know that I have to be a happy Mummy for her and the new baby. I know that Lauren wouldhave wanted another baby.

Take care and good luck with the fostering.

Laurens Mummy Forever

[teagynsmum]

Laurens Mummy Forever

Hi there i am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard soemthing that none of us i think will ever get over, so i don't know why people think we should.

cogratulations on the new baby, it does give you soemthing positive to look forward to. I know that Teagyn and Lauren would want that for us, but it is so hard to do sometimes. I feel guilty for doing the silliest things, becasue she no longer can. I feel stuck, i cant go to the places or do the things we used to as i have to many memories, but i don't want to do new things as i fell that i shouldnt do them or enjoy them since she cant.

I just wish that none of us had to be here, that we didnt have to meet. I can not wait until the day that we will be together again.

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[abbygirl]

I just found out about this website and reading some of these postings is taking my breathe away. I really need to hear from other people and wish I would have found this site last year. My little girl, Abigayl, was killed on January 11, 2004 by a careless driver in a single car accident at the age of 6.

I was with my baby and she died in my arms and I live with the pain of not being able to do anything for her. You know that as a parent you would do anything to protect your children and I failed. Everyday I pray for her to come and get me because all I want to do is hold her in my arms. I am having some issues with suicide because I am not happy and just want to be there with her because she is alone. If anyone can help me I would really appreciate knowing how to get out of his hole and think about the happiness of my other child. I feel so guilty and have so much anger inside. I get the same response from people that it happened over a year ago and I should be over it, but I will never get over the loss of losing my beautiful girl. I wish everyone my deepest sympathy. I LOVE ABIGAYL!!!

[kirksdad]

Abbygirl, I don't know what to say, what you have been through is something we all have faced here in one way or another. We keep talking and wondering and it helps having others that can understand our pain. Have you considered going to a Compassionate Friends meeting, it can really be helpful facing others that have been through a similar circumstance. I say similar because having a child die is a circumstance that only those that have faced it can understand. We all feel the guilt of letting our children down in some way, but we can't let it devour us, we have to go on for our children and their memory and the wonderful life and love they gave to us while they were with us. I think we all have had our feelings of wanting to be with our children and each circumstance we face is different and very painful. Living is much better than the alternative and our children understand that. We need to be here to teach others about thier love and their life. We all try to do that everyday. Those first two years are beyond belief and how we all seem to make it through it is anyones guess, but we do and in some ways are so much stronger. Death holds no illusions for me now, and to be honest I don't fear it, I know that my son and all who passed before him will be there to meet me, when the time is right. I am hoping for all of us that time will be way in the future, a long way into the future. Please, try and find a CF's group in your area, it really will help to be with others who know what you are going through and how you feel. Jim

[matthewsmom2001]

Hi Abbygirl:

This is an amazing website isn't it? I just found it a couple of weeks ago myself. I just passed my son's one-year heaven-date on Sunday and like you, I wish I had known that resources like this existed LAST year. There is nothing that makes it better, but there is comfort to be found in sharing with other bereaved parents. Other people do not have a clue, no matter how much they may care about you they cannot conceive of the magnitude and intensity of the pain. That is another (very) small comfort, you know that nothing else in your life can ever hurt you again because you have now suffered the WORST pain there is. I now exactly how you feel about living. I keep telling people that when somebody gets hurt like this, they ought to be allowed to be excused and to get off the wheel of life. But it doesn't work that way. The ONLY thing I have figured out to do is just to try and express my love for my son by being the best person I can possibly be`because Matthew is in God's perfect will now and that is what he wants me to do (and that also just happens to be the most direct route to being reunited with him again forEVER... this cannot be coincidence do you think?) Is there a TCF chapter in your comunity? I am using my summer school money to go to their national convention in Boston in July... I went to the one last year when I was just two months into this thing and it gave me the first indication I had that I MIGHT be able to stay alive. I hope you will continue to share with us here,

Blessings,

Bonnie

[Artina]

Abbygirl,

My heart breaks for you. Do you have any other children? Do you have a supportive friend that you can walk, talk, and cry with? I know this doesn't seem like it will help... but these are little steps that add up to "hope". I too felt like giving up, but after three years I no longer feel that way. Hang in there and take those little tiny steps.

Peace to you, Tina

[abbygirl]

I want to thank all of you for your words of kindness and support. I have a nine year old son and he is keeping us busy. We are spoiling him because of the guilt we feel. He cries for his sister when he lies in bed at night because his mind is free and it's hard to see him like that. We had found a CF group in our area and have attended until a few months ago. It did help me being around others who have gone thru the loss of a child, but recently the meetings are not helping much. The way they have our meetings setup is they go around the room and call numbers out and break into groups. One meeting the leader put us in groups as to how our children passed away and that really helped me talk and get information from others, but she has not done the meeting that way again. So after several months of feeling no help we decided to no longer attend. I hope one day to find another group. We also had a sibling group and my son was the only child that would attend so they cancelled those meetings. We do go to counseling every two weeks. We are now going thru the ordeal of moving out of our house. Since the loss of Abigayl we have not lived in our house and after a year decided to sell it so now it is sold and I had to get my mom to pack up her room because I couldn't deal with it. I have started a memorial fund in my daughters name and we recently gave a scholarship to a high school graduate and that felt wonderful, but as I looked around the audience I spotted the girl that was driving the car that killed my little girl and I was suddenly filled with rage. I am so glad I found all of you here at the site. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost a child.

[laurensmummy]

Abbygirl

Lauren died very suddenly last year within a couple of hours of a Doctor saying she had nothing more than croup and would be OK in a couple of days and to take her home. She did seem OK in herself and was eating chocolate and playing with her sister at 4 am. However the last time I spoke to her was 6am and when I awoke at 7.45 am she had gone. I will never be able to get over the guilt of being in the room with her and her passing away without me knowing. I should of been able to protect her, I thought that having her close and keeping an eye on her would ensure that she would be OK. Lauren has a younger sister too, who is now 3, she didn't really understand what had happened to Lauren and just accepted that she had gone to Heaven to be an angel. But know she wakes at night and crys for her sister to come back, its so hard trying not to get upset in front of her because then she gets even more upset. It most be especially hard for your son and he is older and understands more. I too tried CF but my husband will not attedn any of these things and is dealing with it in his own way. They were surposed to send me some information and invite me to a group but never got back to me, so I felt very let down by them. I don;t know about you all but do you seem to be able to go through the motions of doing everyday things because you have to, like work, shopping etc for a time and the although it is always with you, it hits VERY HARD again and you lose the will to carry on doing these simply tasks and want to do nothing? I am going through a bad patch at the moment and have decided to have some time off work and be by myself thinking about Lauren whilst Charlotte is at nursery. I feel a bit of a mess at the moment, whilst I am overjoyed at having another child soon, the emotions of the pregancy and losing Lauren and a bit uncontrolable.

Thinking of you all.

Laurens Mummy forever

[abbygirl]

Laurens Mummy Forever!!

I am so sorry for the loss you are going thru and missing your beautiful girl Lauren. How old was Lauren? I know what you mean about the disappointment in CF group. I also had another circumstance happen with them at a fundraiser and they were so focused on getting the most money they could that they hurt my feelings in a way that I can't seem to go back with open arms. You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else so please do that especially for your new baby. Congratulations on your new baby. I took off of work for 1 year and I just started back on Valentine's Day. I admit it is hard to come back to work because her pictures are all around me and I have some bad days, but it has helped me by focusing on work and my mind doesn't have a lot of time to wander. Don't stay home too long by yourself. Go out and do things. Maybe you can plant a little garden area for Lauren. I know that people say that Abigayl is in a better place, but I think the best place for her is in her mommies arms. I know that Lauren is watching over you and I'm wanting to imagine our little girls playing with eachother in Heaven.

Abigayl's Mommy!!!

[abbygirl]

Lauren's Mummy Forever!!

Here's a beautiful poem that I hope will bring you some comfort.

A beautiful little angel showed up to Heaven's gates, Confused and unknowing the plan that for her awaits. Then another little angel walked up and took her hand, And said, "Please don't be sad you left, you're in the Promised Land." "I'm glad to be here but I do not think I was to go, Perhaps there was a mistake, for my mommy wanted me so!" The little greeting angel gave a sweet smile and said, "My mommy wanted me too, but to Heaven I was led. You see, we do not get to choose when on Earth it's time to go. He gave us life, love and joy and a mother's womb to grow. The Lord still needs new angels to guide them down on earth. To watch over, comfort them, and help them see their worth." "Is there still a way that I can sleep in my mommy's bed?" The greeting angel grinned and said, "That luxury you will keep. I visit my mommy nightly and softly sing her to sleep." The little angel replied, "Then I think I'll like it here. I'll visit my mommy nightly and weaken her pain and fears. I love her and will keep her safe at night and in between, And let her know with a sweet memory that she is still with me." The greeting angel gave the new friend a big hug and said, "Until our mommy's meet us here, let's be best angel friends." "Okay," said the new angel, "that sounds good to me." Then the angels sat and played keeping their mommy's in sight, Humming the tune to the song they would sing to their mommies tonight.

I PICTURE THIS IN MY MIND ALWAYS!! I LOVE YOU ABIGAYL!!

[Artina]

Laurens Mummy and Abbygirl,

My heart breaks for both of you. It is so hard in the first couple of years. Taking a time out is good for your Spirit. However, I have also found that keeping my mind busy keeps me from sinking deeper and deeper. I know that you just want to curl up on a bed and think about your baby! I too wanted to do that. And some days I did... but eventually I learned that no matter how long I layed there I couldn't bring him back and I was missing out on my living son. So, now I give myself time to be with my son who crossed over and then move along, the best I can, through the rest of my day. You will find the tools to get you through each day. The most important goals for you in the beggining is to eat, drink plenty of water, sleep, exercise (walk, garden), and if you are up to it- journal (write a letter to your child about events that have taken place since they crossed over).

I wish there was something I could say to both of you that would ease your pain. I have felt every feeling known to man kind since my son crossed over. Most of those feelings came in the first year and were felt over and over in one day. Now those feelings are spread out over a month (it's been three years and four months). Keep writing and reaching out.

Peace to you, Tina

[biadmin]

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[kagansmommy]

Abbygirl.....I was also holding my precious angel in my arm's when he passed away on January 28, 2005. I thank God that I got to hold him while he took his last 2 breaths on his own. My problem is that I was the one who had to make the decision to take him off his life support and let him go. He was only 18 month's old. We aren't supposed to bury our babies. No parent should ever outlive their children. Thankfully I have another son. He is 25 and married with a family of his own. I have 2 beautiful grand children ages 18 months and 5 months. It is so hard being with them sometimes. For the first month after Kagan passed away I couldn't even look at them. I still cry every time I leave their house because Dacey is the same age Kagan was when he passed. Life is getting easier to deal with but I will never "get over it"~!!!! I too am so sick od people thinking I should be moving on with my life and stop thinking about him. I have told so many people that God firbid they ever lose a child and have to walk in my shoes. That is a pain I would not even wish on my worst enemy. A pain that I have to learn to "live with" not "get over"~!!

My prayers are with you all~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"I love you Kagan~!!!"

[Artina]

Kagansmommy,

I agree with you whole hearted. Nobody know our pain... like we do. Nobody should ever expect a parent to "move on". Where? We get up in the morning,work, eat, drink, visit family, and do day to day task... where is it that they want us to move on to! They want us to feel better, so that they feel better. Bottem line.

Peace to you, Tina

[chels1003]

Tina, You always have supportive and helpful things to share. You are sharing some things right now I remember you saying when I started posting over a year ago that I thought I would never understand or comprehend in my own grief. Sometimes it's a battle against myself. It's so much easier to think the world should have stopped when Kristian's life ended. Of course it can't be that way. I wouldn't want it that way. Yet that feeling sometimes overwhelms me.

It is unfair for others to expect us to "move on" or "get over" what we are feeling. And I somehow can't image they even comprehend the task they're asking. Sometimes, from my own experience, I feel those that knew us the "way we were" are just trying to get us back. In a sense it's a double loss for those who care about us most. We're never going to be the same. Those that truly love us will be there no matter what, through it all. No matter what they do or say that can drive us insane, they are doing the best they know how. What else can they do? At best we can give and take from each other and learn from it.

It's bold to say this, yet, how many things posted here have frightened us, coming from those that know only too well what we are dealing with? I've also sat here and cried reading posts so heartwrenching, I could find no words but sent prayers, for what they're worth these days.

It scares me to think that I may ever find a sense of peace again. To think that the 10 years 1 month and 1 day near exact to the time of her birth, I spent with Kristian as just a part of my lfie. I want it to be my entire life. At this stage I am trying to find a way to make that happen without feeling like my heart is being torn to shreds over and over.

I am sending my best to everyone here. A huge group hug we all need and deserve.

Keep talking, sharing and expressing. It's the only way through this.

Many blessings....

Proud mom of Kris, Jonny and Kait

[Artina]

Chels1003,

Yes... you are so right! Our friends and family do experience the loss of not only our child, but us. I have found my truest relationships through this phase of my life. Sad reality.

I too have a hard time thinking about my life without my son. I had 19 wonderful years with him. We were the closest family (like so many on this site). I had him when I was just 16 years old. My husband, his dad, was just 19. We literally grew up with him. We did GOOD! I wanted more... I want more! At one point in my grief, I remember thinking that if I died today, I would be with my son with only a breath seperating us. Not so easy... that would mean that I would have to leave my living son, my husband, and the rest of my family. My son who crossed over see's the "whole picture". He knows about life after death and he can see us every minute of every day if he chooses. I believe this! But my living son and husband can't... it would kill them. What I'm trying to get at is that we will join them some day. Our focus (even though we hurt sooo bad) has to be life, because death will come a knockin soon enough and we won't be able to "do" this one life again with the ones we love.

I'm just talking out loud and I don't mean to confuse anybody.

Peace to you, Tina

[coltinsmom]

Hello everyone -

Artina, I think you said it very well. I can't count how many times I have had that conversation with myself. I miss Coltin so much that at times I feel like I am being sucked into a void where there is nothing else. That's usually when the anger in me starts to come out. I think I dislike the anger most of all because it gets to into a state where I almost can't recognize myself. I am thoroughly amazed at where this difficult journey has taken me. When I meet new people I sometimes think, "I wish you could have met me before..." I just feel I have so little to give people I just meet, they can't understand the pain. I have a hard time sharing it with acquaintances even though they would probably then get to know me better. Does anyone else have a problem with the question - "How many children do you have?" I always say two but then they ask "How old are they?" Then I usually have to tell the whole thing and sometimes the pain overwhelms me and I cry right there. It can be challenging in a work situation.

Love you always my Coltin

Coltinsmom4ever

[Artina]

Coltinsmom,

It is a hard question to answer. I don't get that question asked too often. Although, once is enough- ha? I have had people ask me how many children I have and I have answered it. And then that is usually it. However, I have had people go on and ask me how old they are... that's the hard question to answer. If I don't break down at that point, I usually do later. It really takes me off guard. I know that my son is gone, but it's sharing it with people that hurts. I feel like I am talking about a casual experience of loss, when it is soooo much more than a "how are you doing" conversation. I don't know... it's just tuff and there is no way around it. I guess we could look for key conversations to avoid when we are in groups. I have also discovered that there are people who need to know the truth (because we will be working together) and people who don't (stranger at the rest stop). Thus, we can decided who, when, and if we want to share our personal information. We have that right!

Peace to you, Tina

[matthewsmom2001]

Hi everyone,

I either say I have two daughters and an angel or I say I have two here and one in heaven.

Bonnie

[cathymommyofsean]

This is my first post... Yeah, I used to actually have anxiety about what to say to people in public when asked about my kids. Now it seems easier-- it's been 6 months today since I lost my 13 month old son Sean to congenital heart defects. I have a 3 year old girl too. It just seems to horrify some people if I tell them one of my kids recently died. I guess they fear if it happened to me then it could happen to them too. So true.

[encouraged]

Discussion: Loss of a Young Child

cathymommyofsean

Jun-9-2005 11:18 PM et

This is my first post... Yeah, I used to actually have anxiety about what to say to people in public when asked about my kids. Now it seems easier-- it's been 6 months today since I lost my 13 month old son Sean to congenital heart defects. I have a 3 year old girl too. It just seems to horrify some people if I tell them one of my kids recently died. I guess they fear if it happened to me then it could happen to them too. So true.

Cathy,

Thank you for your post. I understand about congenital heart defects -- that's was the cause of our son's life-long struggle. Please email me at runningramma@aol.com if you want to "talk." You encouraged me with your post and your honest, heart-felt comments.

Wanda

[kagansmommy]

Hello everyone~!! I too have had people ask how many children and how old. But the one that bothers me the most is "didn't you have a baby too?" That is because my two boys were 23 years apart and my oldest son's wife and I were pregnant at the same time. My baby and my 1st grandchild were only 4 months apart. Because of Kagan's illness I was shut off from the outside world for 19 month's and didn't see many people. Now that I am able to get out and do things I get blown away with questions sometimes. When people see me with my grandaughter they ask "well didn't you have a baby too" or "I thought you had a boy not a girl." That hits me really hard right in the heart~!! I didn't take Kagan out into the public very often and not too many people actually "knew" him or even saw him during his short life. It is amazing how many people I used to consider my friends do not even know my baby boy passed away almost 5 month's ago. It makes them feel horrible when I explain the situation but I guess that is nothing compared to how it makes me feel that they didn't know and I have to tell them. I actually try to avoid people that I haven't seen for a while because I don't want to be put in the situation where they don't know what to say and I just want to hide under a rock and tell the world to go away. Our hometown has a huge fireworks show and I haven't been for 2 years and I want to go but dread talking to people.

So....Kagan's is buried in the graveyard right next to the ballpark where this takes place. His Dad and I are going to take a blanket and lay on the ground next to Kagan's and my Dad's grave's and watch the fireworks with them. As I drove past the ballpark and graveyard a couple weeks ago it hit me that this year Kagan will get to see the fireworks for the first time.

His second birthday is July 7th and I am alredy having a hard time dealing with it. I should be tying baloon's on his highchair on his 2nd birthday....not his headstone~!!!!

I know it kills my oldest son to see m e this way. I'm not the Grandma to his babies that I always dreamed of being. It hurts so bad to be with his kids. Especially the youngest one with his blonde hair and blue eyes and the spitting image of Kagan. Him and his wife understand but I know it still hurts them.

I know everything happens for a reason and it better be a good one~!!

Love and prayers t oyou all~!!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN"

[Artina]

Kagansmommy,

I understand that the 4th of July will be difficult for you, yet your idea sounds healthy. It is hard to watch our loved ones see our hurt- no matter how hard we try to cover it up. The variables that surround loss are unique to each one of us... Please know that we care.

Peace to you, Tina

[teagynsmum]

hi all

Sorry I haven't posted much I am having such a hard time, a horrible time. It has been just over 5mths sine my angel Teagyn passed, everyone keep telling me that the 5th and 6mths are really hard and that they are. I cant stop the tears, IM back at square 1. I want to know why????? I want to know why I didn't or couldn't save her????? I just don't understand what big lesson I am supposed to learn from her life that I couldn't learn from her death???

My mum, step dad and niece went to Scotland (were IM from) for vacation. My mum took teagyns memorial scrap book and quilt to show, well my mums car was broken in to and Teagyns scrap book was stolen. I went nuts when I found out, I cried I screamed I am so mad, so upset. I feel as though my mum was irresponsible, I asked her to guard it with her life, its not like I can take more pictures of her.

Then when my mum came back, she had gifts for us all and not one person had sent anything for Teagyn. I don't think I was being unreasonable to expect a little remembrance gift. I was so mad, so upset. I cant understand why they are acting like she didn't exist, she still does exist. I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, tomorrow I am starting a new job, I couldn't return to my old. IM looking forward to getting out of the house, but I don't want to deal with the world. No one there knows about Teagyn and I don't know how I am going to handle talking about it. I will have her picture in my office so I know the question will come up. IM afraid that I will have a break down.

AS to answer the question about children. Teagyn was my only. I do say I have a child 1 a 4yr old and in most cases it doesn't go any further.

I just wish I didn't have to deal with this that we didn't I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[briannesmom]

Dear Teagynsmum and all,

I am so sorry for all your incredible losses. I recognize Teagyns story from a group I started for undiagnosed neurological conditions, small world really. Nicola, it has been two years and a few months since my beautiful daughter Brianne died and after the last few days, I am feeling like I am back at square one myself. The tears won't stop and the longing to hold her adorable little hand and kiss her sweet cheeks repeatedly is about killing me. My heart aches so badly, I can't eat or sleep, and although I am blessed with a healthy nine year old daughter who needs me, I am strongly feeling the need someone to care for me. My hubby is away on a fishing trip, and usually I enjoy some Kayla and I time, but this time I am not doing as well. I organize a fundraising event each spring in Bri's memory, a run/walk that just took place last weekend, and I think I am suffering from a bit of post event syndrome. It takes months of letters organizing sponsors, prizes, etc. Then the big day comes and within four hours, it is all over. I think because I couldn't make Brianne better, I feel that by doing the run/walk that at least I am somehow doing something useful.

Brianne had a rare, metabolic disease which robbed her of all her milestones and abilities, one by one. She did walk, for five months, then she started to have seizures and twitched like a little person with Parkisons disease. I keep reliving the entire four years of her illness, wondering what I missed. Just one more doctor, one more test, one more text book....what did I miss?

I do believe in God and that Brianne's life was so incredibly significant, she like all these children, has changed many lives. But like every parent asks, WHY? Why our precious girl who complained at nothing, not even when she couldn't walk anymore. Not even when she went blind nine days before she died, she didn't even ask "why can't I see Mommy?". She just kept asking for more books and more of "Spirit", her favorite movie. She died while listening to the song, "I will Always Return" by Bryan Adams. How awesome is that?

For someone a little further down the road in the grieving than I, when does it get better? I thought I was ok, but I am not. How could I be? I am without a part of me, a living, breathing part of me. I guess that is why they say that when you lose a child a part of you dies inside, how true that is. For anyone interested, Brianne has a website too (www.briannesleapofhope.org).

Gentle hugs to you all,

Patti

[kagansmommy]

Patti...my 18 month old son also died of a metabolic disease. He passed away on

1/28/2005. He never sat up or held his bottle. He never walked and couldn't play with toys. Kagan could not even hold his head up for over a few second's on his own. All he knew was doctor's and test after test. He wasn't sick very often but it took extensive testing to diagnose his disorder which was called

Ethylmalonic Encephalopathy. He was the only person in the US to ever to have this disease. And like Brianne and Teagyn he never complained about anything. He was the happiest little boy. Always smiling and telling me "I wuv you~!"

He was beautiful and perfect and I will never understand why he was taken from me. It's isn't for me to ask why but it best be a good reason. As far as I see it there is nothing worth losing him for. My thoughts are with you both~!

Christy (kagansmommy)

"MOMMY LOVES YOU KAGAN~!"

[teagynsmum]

Briannesmom

WOW!!! I jsut read Briannes website and I ammazed at how much her and Teagyn had in common, your journey sounds just like ours.

Teagyn had a rough start, seizures from birth that were controlled, she did gain skills, sitting, walking with a walker, she never did talk. she could use a switch, babble and point, she was a smart little cookie.

We to did a million and 1 tests and eveything was fine until December 2002. It was that MRI that showed that Teagyn had a white matter disease. We tested her for Metachromatic lukeodystrophy, canavnas, ald etc all to no evail. at that time i took her care to CNMC in Washington, DC. It was there that Teagyn would get her dx. Teagyn had a peroxisomal disorder, D Bi-functional protein deficiency as well as an unknow lukeodystrophy.

Teagyn did well until the summer of 04 when her seizures returned, uncontrolable seizures, from there she went down hill, with her eating, breathing she was always sleepy. It just sucks, plain and simple, there is no other way to put it. I HATE IT!!!!!

It is so hard not to question yourself, to not wonder why. Why didnt i get her a g tub?? I didnt because Teagyn loved to eat, but what if she got pnemonia and aspirated??? Teagyn passed away from undetermined cardiac arrest, her heart, somethign that she never had problems with just stopped. Everyone was just as shocked as I. She was getting better due to come home!! I am just mad that i didn't get her to Spain. We were scheduled to leave 1-11-05 and Teagyn got her wings 1-8-05. I just wish i had done more!!!! I know we all do.

I can't wait until i am with her again, until i can see her touch her smell her, just hold her. I want to know why and GOD better have a damn good answer. Nothing though will ever safisty me. I just want to knwo what we are supposed to learn from their death that we couldnt from their life????

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

[MysticNexus]

My second daugher Amy, who had turned 3 on Feb. 11/03, passed away from a severe, sudden bout of pneumonia on March 1, 2003.

Her sister Paige, who was 5 and in Kindergarden had got sick on February 14th and was sick for 1 week. Amy became sick on February 21. On the 24th we took Amy to the local country hospital with a high fever. She was dehydrated and was monitored in hospital for 5 hours. We were told we could take her home.

On the morning of Saturday March 1, 2003; Paige came downstairs and told me that her sister had 'spitup' all over. I went upstairs and took Amy into the bathroom to clean her up. when I took her pj's off of her... her legs were purple and blue.

We rushed her to the local hospital immediately.... A trip that usually takes 25 minutes took my husband only 8. Fortunately it was early Saturday and not mid afternoon when traffic could have been busy.

When we arrived at the local hospital, the dr's looked at her, tried providing her with oxygen, tried to get a blood oxy level and failed. They announced that Amy was extremely ill and they did not have the equipment at this hospital to take care of her.

That is when they called our Local Air Ambulance (STARS) and contacted the childrens hospital in Edmonton (Stollery Children's Hospital). Our little daughter was Air Lifted via Helicopter to the Stollery Hospital.

Unfortunately, due to space restrictions, neither myself, my husband or our daughter Paige could fly with Amy. We made arrangements for Paige to be cared for by a grandma and my husband and I were driven by Victims Services Volunteers to the Stollery Hospital ~ 1+ hour away by vehicle.

By the time we had arrived, Amy had passed away. The dr who treated Amy phoned me a couple weeks later, after an autopsy had been done, and informed me that Amy had succummed to a bacterial strain of pnumonia that enveloped 3 of 5 lobes of her lungs and more than likely developed in the last 12 - 24 hours of her life.

I have no doubt in my mind that every individual who helped us on that day did only the best that they could to treat my daughter. She is no longer physically with our family, but I know she is around us every single day.

On a happier note, on March 5, 2004, just over one year after Amy passed away, our third child, a son - Adam Vincent, was born.

I thank all of you for allowing me to share about Amy - I am now finding that discussing what happened is helping me to grieve and heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Always, With Laughter

Kimberly Lemmen

Mommy blessed by

~ Paige Marie 04/29/97

~ *Amy Leigh 02/11/00 ~ 03/01/03

~ Adam Vincent 03/05/04

~ and 5 angels of heart

** "Where memories linger, Love remains" ©K.Lemmen 9/30/03 **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Artina]

Mysticnexus,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Amy. Please know that we are here to support each other and share memories of our children. I lost my son a little over three years ago and use this forum often. The parents here truly understand our grief.

Peace to you, Tina

[kirksdad]

Mysticnexus, Kimberly, I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. OF the things we never expect to happen, the loss of a child is the worst. I am glad you feel everyone did what they could because that is a very large load off of anyone's mind. Second guessing and wondering can be such a disater when it comes to the death of a child. Like Tina says, this is a good place to come to talk. We lost our son Kirk 5 years ago and it has been very hard for us as a family to keep going, but we do, and as each day passes we get a little stronger.

[ashleysdad]

Well...tomorrow's fathers day. My 2nd without Ashley. I just plan to avoid the tv/radio/papers as all I have heard all week is FATHERS DAY! :-( Ashley was my only child so I don't get to hear "Happy Fathers Day" any more. The pain is beyond words. I miss my daughter....Life is still empty without her.

[Artina]

Just a note to all the dad's on this site~ we know that today will be difficult without your beloved child/ren. You will always be their father!

Please know that we care and are thinking about you today.

Peace to you, Tina

[cayleesmom]

My daughter Caylee passed this March from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. She was 4 years old. her website and short story is at www.cayleesheart.com. She was diagnosed a little more than 24 hours before she passed.

[kagansmommy]

cayleesmom,

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. There is nothing more devestating than losing your child. My son Kagan was only 18 month's old when he passed away in January, 2005. He was my life and now he is my reason for living. His second birthday is July 7th and it is killing me already to even think about it.

I would love to hear more about your angel Caylee. You can email me directly at CAxsom@aol.com or Kagansmommy@aol.com if you like. I got a message from beyond indigo but when I tried to go there and respond to your message it couldn't find the website. I'm looking forward to hearing from you anytime.

Christy

"Mommy loves you Kagan"

[Artina]

Cayleesmom,

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Caylee. Please know that we are here for each other.

Peace to you, Tina

[chels1003]

Ashleysdad, I remember the beautiful site of Ashley you posted. In your heart she is still your precious baby girl. She'll always be there. No media outlet could ever capture or convey the radience and love in the smiles you both shared togther the way you shared it there. They'd do a shameful job trying to come close to it.

Take care and stay strong.

[teagynsmum]

Nothing makes sense, I feel as though I am running in circles, IM in a deep deep whole and I am falling further and further down, I feel like I am suffocating. I CANT DO THIS!!!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!! I miss Teagyn so so so much. I just don't know how to go on anymore, the pain is getting worse day by day, it is in no way getting easier.

I cant stop the tears, I cant get the image of Teagyn after she passed out of my mind, all the thoughts I had in the beginning are now coming back WHY!!!!! It has been almost six months and I think I am worse off now than I was in the beginning. Why is it so hard for me to accept that she is gone???? IM still not sure if the finality of it has hit me, I still think that she is coming home. After been at work all day, I leave my office thinking I am coming home to see her, why don't I understand that she is not there????

I can no longer talk about her or look at her website or pictures without tears. I just cannot simply see myself living without her, I want her so badly. I still feel as though it was my fault, I have so much guilt, so many things I wish I had done.

I just don't understand what big lesson I am supposed to learn from this and if I don't learn something doesn't that mean Teagyns life was in vain???? There has to be a purpose to her suffering and my pain right??? So why cant I figure out what it is????

IM just rambling, but I am so lost, so sad so alone. NO ONE in IRL understands, I have no one to talk to. My family will NOT talk about it, not talk about her, they don't even acknowledge me when I cry. I WANT HER BACK!!!!!!!

Nicola mummy to angel Teagyn

www.myangelteagyn.bravehost.com

[kirksdad]

Nicola, what you are feeling is so very natural. That first year is beyond belief when it comes to the pain and suffering we go through as it starts to sink in that are children are not physically around anymore. All those hopes and dreams that we had for them just can't be put aside. We ache for their touch, their sense of being with us and it is just so very hard to understand why our children had to be the ones that had to be taken from us. It is so very painful and hard to get any grasp upon. I do know though that none of our children's lives were in vain. The love that Teagyn gave to you while she was alive is just not measurable, it is priceless beyond anything we can imagine. I know how difficult it is in the first months. I don't even remember that first year, only the pain of the holidays without our son. I only have the recollection of two conversations that year. One at Thanksgiving time with my family and one with our principal who at the end of the school year told me that he thought I did better than he felt I would. Believe me when I say I didn't do much of anything so I must have been putting on a fairly good front, but in reality I was a zombie. It does get better, Teagyn's love will always be with you.

[missusarah]

Nicola, it has been 2 years and 7 months for me and I still feel how you feel, it does get better don't get me wrong, but we were not supposed to lose our children and since we have, nothing makes since anymore even after time the pain will still be there, you just learn to live with it, I hope I didn''t make things worse for you, but believe me nothing will ever be the same again and we all understand that because we have experienced it and we are stronger than we think we are and we do survive, somehow

[biadmin]

Need a Lift?

Are you feeling down? Not sure what to do next? Need inspiration? Visit our Peace Corner and find your center.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/peace.php

[jess102395]

Nicola:

I have just read you post. First of all let me give you a big hug..You need it and you deserve it.

Jessica has been gone almost 16 months and it has been so very hard. I cannot tell you that the pain will get any better,we just learn how to deal with it.

I know how you are feeling all to well of thinking that Teagyn will somehow be home when you get there. I have done that so many many times,but when I get there she isnt there. For the first year,I searched every where I went just hoping to find her,then I realized that she wasnt coming back that she was gone. I think that is called acceptance. Now the dreaded depression has sank in and I dont know if or when it may ever leave.There is nothing that really makes me happy any more but I just wipe away the tears and go on...nobody understands unless they have walked in our shoes. I can relate to your family issues too ! Nobody likes to talk about Jessica..and it hurts,I know that they think I will start to cry and I will,but it hurts me more that people want to play shut mouth.

The first year is really hard, I dont remember much of anything I said or did.

I know that I searched and I searched everywhere for Jessica. I even drove from Ga to California.Thats what it took for me to realize that she was gone..

If you havent read any of John Edward's books that has been a great comfort to me.He is really great and I even got to meet him last November.

All I can say,is that what you are feeling is normal,no it wont go away,but you will deal with it in your own way.

If you need a friend I am here.

Deborah mom to jessica erin 10/23/95-03-13-04

www.anglefire.com/mi4/jessica1995

[teagynsmum]

hey all

It has been 6 moths today since my Teagyn earned her wings. I cannot believe that I have survived this long. That it has been that long since I saw, her touched her kissed her. It hurts more today than it did in the beginning. I miss her so much.

My sister also had a baby today, a bittersweet moment. IM happy for my sister but it hurts because I don't have my baby. She didn't get the chace to see her new cousin. my brothers wife is also pg, so there will be new babies every where.

I just get so fed up. I am so fed up of getting up everyday putting on a brave face. I am fed up living without Teagyn. I want her and I need her. I just want to pull the covers over my head and never come out. I want to yell and scream and tell everyone that IM not doing well, that I put on a brave face, that I have DIED inside, the day my baby took her last breathe is the day that I died, I will never be the same. I wish I had my old life back, my life of DR's, therapies, hospitals, medications, the nights of no sleep as Teagyn needed medications, to be suctioned etc. I would do anything to have that life again ANYTHING.

I Love you Teagyn and miss you more than you will ever know.

Nicola

[Artina]

Nicola,

I am so sorry that your are hurting so bad... love can be so beautiful, but when we lose a loved one it can hurt like no other pain known to man-kind. Please know that we care and that we are here to help in any way that we can.

Peace to you, Tina

[missingchris]

Here's an interesting page for any of us suffering from the endless parade of stupid remarks...

http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/remarks.html

[kagansmommy]

Thursday, July 7th Kagan was 2 years old. But because God chose to take him from me I spent his birthday in a cemetary looking at his head stone. I sit there and stare at his name and it still doesn't seem real. There is no way he can be dead. Why isn't he at home waiting for mommy to come home? What is there to be learned from this pain? I only had 1 phone call on his birthday. My own Mother didn't call me to see how I was doing. Why do people think they are helping us by not talking about the one thing that means the most to us?

I was asked last week if I had the chance to do it all over again would I? Absolutely without a moment's doubt I would. The 18 month's and 21 day's that I had my angel here on earth were the most beautiful day's of my life. I would not want him back the way he was because I wouldn't want him to suffer again but I would suffer for him in a heart beat. I think about what his life would be like if he was still alive and that breaks my heart almost as bad as losing him. I cry every single day. I scream and ask God "WHY MY BABY?" every day.

I wish I could wake up and it all be a dream....but I know I can't.

It will be six month's on the 28th that he recieved his wing's. I hope the next six month's are better. Some days I don't even want to breath let alone function.I too put on the brave face for everyone. People look at me and say that they are glad to see I am doing so good. Now I ask them who told them I was doing good because I am definately not doing good. My shell is here but my heart and soul are with Kagan. We need to stop trying to make it easier on everyone else by pretending to be ok and show them what it is like to lose your baby. It is a very ugly picture that most don't want to see.

Hang in there Nicola. One day we will learn to live again. I don't see it in my near future but I know I will and you will too. I totally understand every feeling and emotion you have because I feel them too. NOTHING was worth losing Kagan for. So there better be a really good reason that God took him away from me. Right now I can't think of a single one that would even come close.

HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY KAGAN~!!!!

Christy ~ mommy to ~ Kagan Isaac Axsom 7/7/03 ~ 1/28/05

"Rest in peace my sweet angel...Mommy loves you~!!"

[kirksdad]

Christy, it is hard to comprehend spending the rest of our lives without our kids celebrating on those special dates. You are right about not wanting to do things over and that having our children for as short or as long as we did was a gift. We all would like something to have changed, though, so our kids would still be with us.