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Loss of a Young Child


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Wakleesmom

BECKY, I've read and sympathized with your previous post don't get me wrong I understand entirely how you feel my 4 month old recently passed away and I feel as though I loss faith every now and then, when I think of all the times she became clingy and I couldn't put her down or when she pulled my hair to avoid getting put down. Now that she's not here I would give anything to hold her and never let her go, Ever. I feel like I have no time to grieve my boyfriend wants to get married and have other children and I don't know if I'm ready yet, I understand men and women grieve differently but there is a such thing as being selfish. Putting aside time to sit down to acknowledge one another's feeling is a routine my boyfriend and I have become a custom to. Maybe, if the two of you try to see things though one another's eye maybe a agreement can be met and the pain you feel can easeHOPES TO HELP- Brittany

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beckymaldonado

Brittany I'm so sorry about your loss my husband and I are still having problems communicated but I think one of our reasons is that my husband has already lost so much his brother to suicide to his father a few yrs later and then yr after that a cousin who was his best friend to aides now a daughter to stillborn while also dealing with I'm not sure the term but he was in Afghanistan for a yr and he having problems coping with that I know we all grieve in different ways but I still feel like we aren't grieving much at all ive surpressed alot of it cause I just get to the point where it hurts to much to think about it all I've been having those phantom kicks and it freaks me out I here nabies cruinf when I know there isn't one here to cry I don't think I'm strong enough to understand her death and still have hope and religous beliefs everyone is talking about mothers day and I don't feel I deserve it this year I mean I have a four year old but I was supposed to have her this year to again I'm am truly sorry for you loss didn't mean to drag out my stress on u

I no you are going threw enough on your own if you need some one to talk to we are all here for each other on this site

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Natty'sMama

Hi Becky,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby Eva. I'm not much farther out on this horrible journey nobody wants to take. I lost my 5 year old daughter, Charlotte on July 6th 2011 when she drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work. I still ask God to turn back time and let me wake up on the morning of July 6th so I can save my little girl. From what I've seen on this site, we all go through similar thoughts: we have anger at the people that hurt our children and anger and guilt for ourselves for not being able to save our babies and anger at God for taking them from us. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Try to be good to yourself, get rest when you can, eat as best as you can and take care of your surviving child the best you can. That's all we can do. Meanwhile, I take comfort in knowing I will be reunited with my Charlotte someday.

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Natty'sMama

Hi Becky,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby Eva. I'm not much farther out on this horrible journey nobody wants to take. I lost my 5 year old daughter, Charlotte on July 6th 2011 when she drowned in a swimming pool while I was at work. I still ask God to turn back time and let me wake up on the morning of July 6th so I can save my little girl. From what I've seen on this site, we all go through similar thoughts: we have anger at the people that hurt our children and anger and guilt for ourselves for not being able to save our babies and anger at God for taking them from us. I just want you to know that you are not alone. Try to be good to yourself, get rest when you can, eat as best as you can and take care of your surviving child the best you can. That's all we can do. Meanwhile, I take comfort in knowing I will be reunited with my Charlotte someday.

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Natty'sMama

I lost my 5 yr old to drowning just 2 months ago. I feel your pain. I am so utterly lost. I feel so angry and so cheated and so jealous of parents and their children. I have so much guilt because I was not there to protect her. I feel as though I have absolutely failed her. I never imagined that something like this would ever happen. I cant let go of all the guilt and all the what ifs. How are u coping 1 yr later? I am so scared I will never want anything out of my life as much as I want Natalie. I reallucan't even talk to the people who were supposed to be watching her. I am haunted by the the thoughts of what happenedon that day. I hop u have found peace and acceptance. I don't know if I will ever understand y this happened to my baby. My heart is broken

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Oh no, I'm so sorry for the loss of your 5 year old Natalie. My Char drowned after someone that was supposed to be watching her removed her life jacket and then didn't watch her. My husband had stepped away to care for my then 4 month-old son. This occurred at my husband's friend's house and the woman that took of her life jacket was that man's girlfriend. She also had her 2 kids in the pool. They came to the funeral. I expected them to say how sorry they were but all they said was, "I'm sorry for your loss." I haven't talked to them since. They had 4 days between this terrible accident and the funeral and they didn't even try to tell me they were sorry. They have since talked to my husband and my husband is still friends with the guy but I don't want anything to do with either of them and it makes me angry and sad that he still wants to hang out with the guy that should have been watching his daughter and she died becuse he was looking at God knows what else.

Yes, I'm almost a year out. I can tell you that most days I'm better than I was at 2 months out. I think where you are now is really hard and I couldn't go back there. It's so painful. Right about at the 2 month mark for me, the numbness started to wear off and the reality started to hit me more that it was permanant. For a while I thought if I could just pray hard enough, God would let me turn back time to go back an save her because it would be so easy to just save her. I focus on that less and less. I'm used to her not being around anymore so the yearning for her isn't quite as bad most of the time. I still think of her every day but not every minute of every day like I did at 2 months out.

Do you have other children? I've been able to laugh with my other children. I hope I am showing them healthy grieving. We talk about Char all the time and my 4 year old dauther Julia talks about her a lot and has lots of memories. I'm writing them all down for her because I know they will fade over time. I also want my son to know his sister so we will continue to talk about her.

Do you have supportive family and friends? They will never know how you feel unless they have lost a child, but it helps me to have those people that I can talk to who will listen without clenching up when I say her name. My husband and I have also been helped by a group for parents who have lost children called Compassionate Friends. If there is one in your area, you could check it out. I have also been helped by talking to a counselor who specializes in grief.

One thing I realized early-on is that I was looking for someone to say something to take away the pain but it's something we have to go through and experience. Cry and scream and yell and curse and ask Him WHY, WHY, WHY??? when you need to. I think every tear that falls for you heals you just a tiny bit. I'm so sorry again that you have to go through this. Please continue to post here and get support where you can. I'm sorry I didn't see your response for a couple of days. I hope I helped you a bit at least if only to know that there is someone out there who knows how you feel. The Loss of an Adult child thread has more posts and they welcome everyone so please go there and post and tell the story of your Natalie. I have been welcomed there as well.

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It is so sad to read all these stories...Maybe it will sound like heresy (because we get attached to our pain and after some time do not actually want to let it go), but the way i am right now, i strongly believe that it is possible to heal completely (doesnt mean that we forget though) and experience joy and happiness again. And i believe there is a message in our precious children leaving us.

My son was 11 when he died of brain cancer. I had time to prepare as he had operation and after that lived for another 1,5 years. He was such a bright, loving boy, spreading joy everywhere he went. And he was my greatest spiritual teacher. Thanks to my spiritual practice like meditation and qigong i was coping with his death quite well, but i paid price of divorce and a year and half after quit my job, left my country (Latvia) and started new life in the UK. I never joined any online forums or bereavement groups, partly because wasnt aware they are available, partly because was scared to talk to other parents and take in their pain too.

My son died almost 7 years ago and even though quite often i felt im done with my grief, im healed, there would be time that something triggers tears, and that's ok. But what i want to share with people here is that grief doesnt need to be so long, pain and sorrow is not eternal. If during those hard times i knew what i know now, i would be better equipped to heal sooner. The death of my son carries powerful message for me, which i fully realized just during last half of the year. And the message is - i want to help those who have lost a child. I owe it to my dead son and i want my living son be proud of me for living my mission.

I really want to help and i know how. I can share things i know on skype, or you can find out more at my website www.peaceinme.co.uk

I am certified EFT practitioner, but im happy just to have a chat and help the way i can.

Peace and love,

Inga

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Inga, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It does give me hope to know that there can be joy again for me. That's one of the things that gets robbed from you when you lose a child. But I do believe that I desserve to feel joy again and I will hope for healing. I will always have some hole in my heart forever but I hope that someday it will be smaller.

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queenbon67

hi everyone, I am very new with even going and posting about my loss. I dont know why i waited so long but here goes....I lost my infant son 6 1/2 years ago..he was 67 days old and his name is Evan. I am still devastated and miss his more than words can say....i have to admit that i thought that it would get easier..time has healed...but i still miss him everyday...i am a logical thinker but this loss has just floored me..

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Char's mom,

You do deserve to feel joy again, it is our birthright no matter what stuff we have to go through in our lives. In my view for healing to really happen, you have to really want it, you have to commit to it. It's not an easy journey, but hey - who said that we are here on this beautiful planet for something that does not require our growth? :-) That's what the souls of our beautiful children would wish for us. There will be time when you remember your precious girl and only feelings that will be present will be joy and love and gratitude for her being with you, even if for a short time. You just have to make this choice. rolleyes.gif

Blessings!

Inga

Inga, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It does give me hope to know that there can be joy again for me. That's one of the things that gets robbed from you when you lose a child. But I do believe that I desserve to feel joy again and I will hope for healing. I will always have some hole in my heart forever but I hope that someday it will be smaller.

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In 2009, after 12 hard years of trying, my wife and I gave birth to our first children, a son and daughter, both born very early, at 25 weeks gestation. By the grace of God they both made it home to us after about 6 months in the hospital and many surgeries. My son has Cerebral Palsy, but is still a joy to be around. My daughter was my heart, perfect in every way, just a little on the small side. She went with me everywhere I went, she loved to ride. After 23 blessed months with her, she woke up one day and we could tell she was not feeling right. After just 36 hours she had gone from our lives. That day I lost my heart, my best little playmate, and many of my hopes and dreams. On the 10th of August it will be just 11 short months since we lost her.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I also lost my girl and it's so hard. You're coming up on the one year angelversary which is hard. I wish I could tell you it would get better after a year but it doesn't. Ive come to realize that every day is hard but some days I'm better able to cope. I find I'm better able to cope when I'm well-rested so be good to yourself and get good rest. Also, the loss of an adult child thread is better-read and all are welcome to post there so feel free to go there and tell us about your little girl.

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beckymaldonado

Why is it that life feels like its going 2 keep moving on then there are days when my grief and anger and guilt just comerushing at me all at once my guilt makes me break down and cry when I see babies out in town because that was supposed to be me I should be waking up to feed my daughter not crying cause she's not here and having so much guilt I call myself a murderer because I didn't keep her alive I carryed her for all of pregnancy until last week then for unknown reasons she moved no longer and I carryed he lifeless boby inside my body 4 the last week bucause I didn't realize she was gone and them I'm just angry at myself my doc my husband my mother cause she asked me when I found out lost her ( why didn't u go to doc sooner) like I hadn't already asked that question and then I'm angry seeing all these babies having babies or people that have a few kids and don't take care of any of them or women killing there babies because they didn't want them in first place them I'm sorry if I a fend anyone but I'm sangry with god for taking my daughter but blessing other people that should not even be in same room with kids have them left and rite I'm just so heartbroken I feel like some one has reached into my chest and is breaking off pieces left and right

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I am posting here to pop it to the top of the threads. I've been looking through the topics of all the threads and there are a lot of us out there who have lost young children but none post in the Adult thread. All are welcome there but if you feel more comfortable talking to other parents who have lost young children, please feel free to post here.

My name is Angela and I live in Minnesota. I lost my beautiful, wonderful 5 year-old daughter Charlotte on July 6th 2011. She drowned in a swimming pool after someone who was suppposed to be watching her removed her lifejacket while my husband stepped away to care for my then 4 month old son. It was discovered right away that she was missing but the water had a chemical imbalance and they couldn't see her at the bottom of the deep end. They looked for her around the property for too long before diving down under the water. I was at work that day, and arrived on the scene just after they had airlifted her to Hennepin Co Medical Center in Minneapolis. We went there and they told us she didn't make it. That's the moment my life, my word, my everything changed. I still struggle every day but I try to be a full mom to my 2 surviving children and try to find happiness in them.

Charlotte's sister Julia is now 5 which is weird. We're doing all the things we did with Charlotte that spring/summer before she died - the Kindergarten registration, Kindergarten round-up and preschool graduation. It's like I'm reliving Char's last few months of life again with Julia. It's hard not to break down and cry at every event. I'm also terrified that I'll lose Julia before I can send her to kindergarten just like I lost Char. My husband wants to plan some vacations this summer but I'm scared of any place that has water or anything remotely dangerous - which is just about everywhere in the summer.

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I'm so sorry for your loss. As my daughter drowned as well, I think one of the hardest things is how quickly it all happened. No warning; no time for goodbyes. Our daughter was desperately worked on for hours - first by paramedics and then by ER staff while we helplessly stood by in agony, but she never had a pulse from the time we started CPR ourselves. Unlike some other drowning cases I've heard about, our daughter was never on ventilators or machines to allow us the time to process that she was going to die and hold her and say goodbye. In just a few seconds our world went from good to a horrible mess. I never got to hold my daughter again. By the time I was alowed to say goodbye to her as she lay in the ER, she was cold and too pale and not my daughter anymore.

She never got to go to Kindergarten. At having just turned four years old, she never got to have best friends (other than her older brothers). Her life had barely started. She was just starting to develop her own personality, yet still fully dependent on us. She was my constant companion when I wasn't at work. The pain of missing her is compounded by the pain of losing my only daughter. Nowadays, most of the time I'm ok. I find joy in my family. I can smile and laugh again and truly enjoy life. But the pain is always there. Just waiting for the next seemingly little thing to set it off. Once triggered, the pain in my chest comes. The tears well up behind my eyes. I've learned to control it on the outside, but the pain can still be so overwhelming on the inside - and it is almost four years since she died.

I don't know what else to say. It's hard. I have good days and not-so-good days. Today is a not-so-good day. Glad to have outlets like this one to just vent and let off some of the pressure.

Maria

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Maria, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. The suddenness of it is excruciating. They were able to get Charlotte’s pulse back a few times in the helicopter and at the hospital but it never stayed on its own. I’ve also often thought that I wished she could have survived long enough for me to hold her one more time alive. By the time I got to see her, she had been dead and was cold and blue. I’ve wondered if the doctors working on her just gave up too soon. Neither my husband nor I was there in the hospital while she was alive. My husband didn’t travel with her there because I was on the way to the house where it happened and was unaware anything was wrong until I pulled up and saw police cars. I wonder maybe if she could have heard my voice as they were working on her asking her to stay, maybe she would have fought harder or maybe they would have tried one more time. My husband and I suffer with guilt – him because he was there and walked away and me because I wasn’t going to be there and I let them go. I thought 3 adults watching 4 kids in the pool was enough but it wasn’t enough that day. I also don’t think I said goodbye to Char that day. I was rushing to leave for work early because I wanted to leave early so I could get to the pool and be another set of eyes to watch my kids. She asked me to make her breakfast and I told her to go ask her dad because I had to go to work. She ran off to find her dad and I don’t think I ever said goodbye or kissed her. What I think of our final goodbye is the night before when we tucked her into bed. Normally I do it alone but that night, both my husband and I tucked her in and kissed her round cheeks. We were on either side of her bed and kissed her at the same time. I’ll never forget it.

I do believe that I will see her again in heaven. Until then, I will try to find happiness in my surviving children which I do and try to live for Charlotte. I hope that maybe she gets to live a little bit through me and her siblings.

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immissingyou

All these posts are so sad - I'm so very sorry for all of you and your loss. I have not myself lost a child however a very close friend of ours lost their one and a half year old last week. Their two sons are my sons' ages and seeing the pain the family was in was awful. My heart goes out to each of you - it has got to be every parent's worst nightmare.

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I was talking to a woman who had a daughter in Char’s t-ball about 3 years ago. She didn’t know that she had died but I thought she remembered her and us from that because we chatted a lot during the season and sat with them during the awards ceremony at the end. So at some point in the conversation, she mentioned her daughter and how much she likes the school. I said something like, “Well, I should have had one at that school in first grade too but she passed away about 2 years ago. I’m sure you remember her from T-Ball that she did with your daughter.” Her response? “Oh no, I don’t remember her.” Dagger right in my heart. How is it that I absolutely remember her children and she has no recollection of mine? I know it’s not the job of every parent with a kid in sports to remember every kid. It’s just that when you lose a young child, you worry that because they never had a big group of friends and didn’t get to really do much in the world, that they will be forgotten. I know there are a lot of people in this world who remember Charlotte but it really bothered me that this woman didn’t remember her. I’d rather she lied to me and say she did.

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Angela, I'm really sorry that happened. I agree it would have been easier on you to just have said "yes, and I'm so sorry" even if she didn't mean it. The idea of everyone forgetting my daughter has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with after her death. The idea of people forgetting her is as if she didn't exist. I know our family and close circle of friends at the time our daughter died will always remember her, but because they rarely mention her, I wonder sometimes. I've been told by therapists that that they don't mention her because it is too painful or they don't want to upset me... whatever the reason, it still hurts.

I also grapple with the idea that our memories of her will fade over time. At first I was determined to write everything down in a journal, but with four other children to take care of, I couldn't find the time, or the memories would come back at a time when I wasn't able to write them down. I was inspried to create a website where people could document any memories they had of deceased loved ones. I thought that not only would it keep the memories for family and friends to read, it could introduce your loved one to new people. The site is www.aliveinmemory.org. I built it with a template and am not a web developer, so it is nothing fancy. Not many people other than me have used it.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you had to experience that. The fact that the people who really mean something to you and your family will always remember Char is the most important thing. Unfortunatley, there will always be people around us who appear to be clueless to the heartache they cause us. Take care.

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I'll have to check that website out as well. We started writing down memoires of her right away. I was very afraid we would forget her. I'm fortunate to have people in my life that will still mention her to me which is nice but most people don't. Of course I'm not even 2 years out yet so we'll see how that goes. We're also afraid that her brother and sister will grow older and kind of leave her behind. It's sad we even have to know what this is like.

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I think the "special" days are sometimes the hardest, or at least as hard as the really big days (like birthdays). Yesterday was the first day after the last day of school. It would have been the first day that Charlotte was home with us all day. I wonder if we would have planned something special to do or if we would have just planned to hang out and be with each other all day. I sometimes feel like I'm living on one two parallel lines. I'm living on this line which is my reality, and always staring over at and yearning for my life on the other line which is my life if Char hadn't died. I suppose someday I'll get to the point where I'll have no idea what she would have been doing over on the "other line."

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