my brother died of an intentional overdose

[sadsis97]

He was 21 years old, (old?) young, when he died. Too young. That week Vinnie and his girlfriend were on the outs and it was also the 4 year anniversary of his best friends death when he decided to commit suicide, I guess he just couldn't take it anymore. He'd been battling addiction to heroin for many years that came with countless rehab stays, prison stays, na meetings...to say he didn't try would be a lie, he tried with all his might. He was so strong, and I know in my heart if he would've held on just a little longer we could've gotten him the help he most desperately needed, but now that doesn't even matter, he's not hurting anymore, his demons are gone. Anyways, on that fateful morning, my boyfriend and I were the last persons to see him alive, and I cant explain the guilt I feel for not hugging him or telling him I love him, I knew something was wrong I just didn't want to make it worse and I didn't know how to approach it. I'll always wonder if maybe me talking to him that night would mean he'd still be in the room over from me fast asleep, ready to celebrate with us tomorrow our brother, Anthony's birthday. That night I didn't get any sleep, I tossed and turned, and I remember laying there half asleep in my bed when I heard my mother scream, the sound I feared my whole life i'd hear, and if you know someone, or your sibling is also an addict I bet you can empathize. I jumped out of my bed so fast, and opened my door, knowing in my heart and it being proven when Vinnie's door was open and my brother Anthony was standing there wide eyed, yelling "don't go in there Kasey, don't go in there you don't want to see him like that" my dad was crying asking why Vinnie why, and my mom was on the phone with 911. I can remember that whole scenario just like it was yesterday, but here it is, 20 days later and I can't forget. I can't forget how he looked in the casket, all cold and hard, but also so handsome in his suit and tie, I can't forget how I looked at him, pleading for him to just wake up and open his eyes, I can't forget seeing everyone crying for him, looking at his dead body asking 'why'...I can't forget. To say part of me doesn't resent him for leaving us so unexpectedly, putting us through SO much pain and suffering wouldn't be the truth, I do, and I know that's normal and okay. Our house has so much reminders of him, and his pictures, belongings, even simple foods that he used to like will upset me because It reminds me he isn't here to share it with me. I can't bring myself to go into his room where he died, it hurts too much. Some days im okay, really I am, he's always on my mind but for some reason its easier to deal with, then someone will ask about him or ill read a certain thing or look at a certain picture and I break down. I've never yearned for someone to be here as much as I do my brother, I can't justify how great of a person he was, always willing to do anything for people, although he did have a selfish side as does any addict. I miss our talks and even though it used to annoy me, I miss driving him places (he didn't have his license because of a dui) i'd drive him anywhere just to have one more talk. With all this said, im happy for him, hes at peace, If theres anyone out there going through a similar situation please let me know, I could really use someone to talk to, because you have friends and family, but until they know what you're going through the "itll get better in time" gets old.

-kasey

[hissister]

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. 

 

I lost my brother on June 27th in a sudden accident. He was only 23 years old. I feel very much like you do. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. I cry randomly but am glad he didn't suffer (he died almost immediately on impact). I am trying to find some sort of good out of it. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't know what else to do. I donated some items to young school children, I've volunteered, things like that to help others.

 

When you talk about what you saw, I feel the same way when I think about what I read in the police report and the witness statements. The witness statements gave VERY graphic details about my brother's last moments. Nobody knows this, but I have to sleep with a light on in my room ever since he died, I am a grown married woman with a child and I sleep with a light on. My husband is a firefighter so there are many nights he isn't home, therefore, doesn't see the light.

 

Wishing peace for you and your family.

[sadsis97]

hissister,

 

thank you for the reply, it's nice to know someone is reading my post and is feeling what im feeling. im very sorry for your loss, and im also sorry that you had to read the vivid reports on your brothers passing, that must have been incredibly difficult. Its weird that you mention sleeping with the lights on, before, i'll admit I wasn't a big fan of the dark, but since Vinnies passing its gotten more intense and I cannot even walk two steps to the bathroom without there being a light on, before I enter my room I reach my arm in and turn the light on. I'm so scared to be in the dark that I don't sleep with the lights on but I sleep with my tv on throughout the night which lights up my room enough for me to sleep even though im scared. I don't know whats bringing this about :/