First time I'm sharing with others

[Sherryda]

Hello Everyone,

Today is a milestone for me I guess as this is my first try at sharing with a grief group. I lost my husband of 27 yrs in May 2013. People have suggested grief groups in town but so far I have not been willing to go. This way seems so much easier. I can keep my emotions in check or let them go and no one sees. I feel lost. Even after a yr nothing has changed. I get up or I don't. I was always so busy before, with my flowers, etc and now I just don't care. Is it normal? Do I clean the house or not, my answer is always, who cares. I live way out in the country with very few neighbors or rather people who live on the same stretch of road. What I think of most is killing myself because I don't know where to go or what to do. I have 2 grown children who keep in touch but no one but my dogs to talk to everyday. I feel guilty when I feel the need to express my sorrow to my friends. I think they think I shd be over it by now. Even tho I hated football and hated him always watching it, football season just starts the sadness over again. I am ashamed of the fighting I did with him over it. I feel like I wasted so much time being angry over a stupid football game. And there are plenty of other things, and I hope some of you feel them too, that I spent time being angry about. Now I feel so sorry and so stupid for any silly disagreement we had. We never fought because it wasn't the type of man he was. He was kind and thoughtful and loved me with all my flaws and I feel I don't deserve to be happy because of what I wasted. I feel like I have no purpose in life and don't know how to find one. I would love some feedback on how to start life again. I know the Lord is with me but he doesn't literally talk to me and I am beyond lonely. Thanks for listening.

[Dr. Pat]

Hello Sherry - It is such a hard journey. I've done it twice now, having lost two precious and much loved husbands, 22 years apart. I've been a grief counselor for over 30 years and have lost both of my husbands during that time. I believe I can help you. I know what your pain is like. I'm also encouraged that you are accepting of a God who cares, and how miserable it is when you can't connect with Him.  I have some materials that will help you navigate these difficult days.

 

There is a webinar I give as a gift as well as other materials on my website at http://www.thrivingdespitegrief.com.The webinar guides you through 7 helpful steps: Don’t Do This Alone, Just Do Today, Pamper Yourself, Write, Practice Appreciation and Gratitude, Know the Stages of Grief, and Know You Will Get Better. Please disregard the "sales pitch" at the end. I am revising that to be much more affordable. I would be very willing to talk with you now for no charge at all.  

 

I have published the companion workbook for this webinar at Amazon (Alive Again!). I have had very positive feedback from others about how they found the webinar and the workbook to be so helpful. It gave them something "to do" - a guide of how to help themselves through this difficult journey starting right now. I can send a pdf of this workbook if you'd like. I'd also look forward to talking with you. You can contact me at patsharpphd@gmail.com.

[MissingDaniel]

I am so sorry, Sherry.  I lost my husband only about a month before you.  He was in Birmingham attending a family funeral at the time, and away from me and his children.  I understand how lonely it can feel sometimes, but I'm glad you decided to reach out here.  Coming here and posting is probably about the only opportunity I get to talk about my grief now, with the exception of talking to my girls about their daddy.  Most everyone around me has long since decided that I should have moved on.  I do the best I can, but that doesn't mean I will forget.  I NEED to talk about it, talk about him.  So this has been helpful.  I hope you find it to be as well.

 

Hang in there - I truly believe that you will find something that will help you carry on and give you a reason to get up in the morning.  Know that there are many here who absolutely understand what you are going through.  Oh, and I get what you said about football.  My husband LOVED his Crimson Tide football, and we always watched together.  The first year after he died, I couldn't even turn on a game without crying.  I'm going to try to watch this year, and believe that he will be right there with me   Wishing you comfort and peace.

[Sammijo2424]

It just amazes me that people could even THINK we could be over the loss of our husbands after 1 short year, first of all the first 6 months we are in shock, on auto pilot, doing what we must, but not really THERE. Not only did we lose our husband, we lost our identity, life as we knew it is gone in an instant.

I lost my husband 1 1/2 years ago, i not only mourned him but my lost life, i have had to try to make a new life for myself, my life was gone, i feel i am not the same person i was, but someone totally different. i too felt guilty for every little thing i did wrong in our marriage, heck, i felt so guilty for even being alive and him dead. For way over a year i mostly just laid in bed everyday and like you i did not see the reason to bath, clean house, eat, or do anything else, no one was around to care. i only cleaned house right before one of my kids would come to visit. After about a year and 3-4 months things kinda leveled out some. I saw a therapist every 2 weeks for a year, he helped me tremendously. I tried a grief support group twice but was mostly overwhelming hearing about everyone else's pain, I couldn't bear heaping all their pain on top of my own.

Today I still don't know my purpose for being here, have tried several volunteer opportunities but have not found anything that I feel passionate about, but still trying to find it. I have reacquainted with an old childhood boyfriend and am crazy about him but there is still a sadness in me, I still mourn my husband, he has held me several times while I cried and cried about him.

Things do get easier, but the process is different for everyone. This site was a big help to me just being able to write down my feelings, and knowing there are others feeling the same as me.

[snownanne]

Sherry, I soooo know what you're going through right now. I just came home from mailing a package to a family member and picking up something from the market that I didn't have to cook.  I labored over wrapping the package all afternoon and went back and forth again and again about what food sounded edible, 'cuz I can't really find the focus to even focus.  When I got in the car I was optimistic, cuz I thought, well, these tasks would cut a sizable chunk out of Sat. night! So, back in the car, the two, smaller tasks than I imagined, too quickly done... it's twilight and the breadth of the day behind me, all the days since my partner died - the night ahead - all the nights since he died...I can't imaging caring enough to come up with enough tasks for months ahead.  I have a gazillion books that I've been reading, trying to find  wisdom that will give me the key to release. Some words comfort for a minute but despair trumps a few hours later. Some are full of encouragement and breakdown grief so very thoroughly, it destroys all mystery, and only ends up breaking down how much I AM grief.

 

My partner of 24 years, had a heart attack while swimming in a health club pool and drowned Aug. 5th. Taken off "life support" on the 11th and "dead" on the 12th. I am devastated. In a bizarre twist the man who tried to resuscitate him from the pool, a much older man of a different culture, who's probably lonely and wanting to help at the same time - in some weird twist of concern, is now also coming on to me with offers to take me to dinner and to be my partner for the rest of life. Apparently, in his culture, you must move- on (or women must) and prepare for the future. WTF?! I am alone, I am lonely, but I don't want to be with anyone else! Or think or talk about inane, stupid s---t, I could care less about, to people I'm not even thinking about as I stand looking at them. I know he's out of place and I've stood my ground with him. But, yes, from all sides, we get the feeling we should "find strength", and "move on", and "it'll get better", and "time will pass"...blah, blah, blah.

 

When i arrived home this evening, devastated...i couldn't prepare food, or pick up a book, or turn on the tv for diversion...what I found myself doing was coming to the computer and logging on here. Because I knew I would find someone not in my face yet who knows the space of my broken heart, whom I could talk at without well meaning advice and awkwardness being outstretched in well meaning ways...and I'm thankful for that. And I am here for you.