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Kirsten.story

Tragic loss of little brother.

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My brother was 14. He would be turning 15 November 1st. I'm 10 years older than him. He was my only sibling. On the 4th of July 2014 he was at a family BBQ. Around 10pm the adults were lighting fireworks. My brother was sitting right next to my mom. One of the mortars somehow misfired and toppled over. My brother was struck in the head and it exploded. He died on scene but family did CPR and brought him back. I know he tried to shield it because he had burns to his hand and a broken finger. He was brought to the local hospital where they did blood transfusions and he was then flown to Harborview in Seattle. They attempted surgery but his skull and brain were to damaged. He was on life support from July 4th-July 13th when he passed away. I don't know how to deal with this. He was so young. He was so innocent. I don't know how to explain to my four year old her uncle isn't coming home. I can't sleep. I constantly feel sick. I feel so alone. I just keep trying to be there for our parents. I don't want to cry or show pain around them and make it worse on them. I just want him back. I don't know how to do this.

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Kirsten.story,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your younger brother. What a terrible tragedy to have to experience. It is okay to show pain and cry in front of people, including your parents. Perhaps they want to cry and show pain, too, but are trying to be "strong" for everyone. The best way to help each other and to be strong is to talk about your pain and your feelings with each other and to keep talking about your brother.

Explaining to your four year old in the simplest of terms would be the best way. I'm not sure about your spiritual beliefs, so perhaps talking to your spiritual advisor (pastor, preacher) or even the funeral home director would be a good start to how to go about this.

Have you thought about some professional help? You've experienced a horrific trauma, and that could be contributing to your emotional roller coaster on top of the grieving.

We will be here for you and are more than happy to be here for your parents, too.

ModKonnie

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Were trying to get me into counseling. I know I have PTSD. I see or hear fireworks and just shut down. I can see helicopters flying from the hospital from where I work and it makes me sick to my stomach. When people are talking and something relates to him I can't help but say my brother.... Then just nothing. I forget he's gone. I've been staying with our parents since it happened and when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night I try to be quiet so I don't wake him. Then it hits me he's gone. When I'm doing laundry and come across something of his randomly. When I go to brush my teeth and his toothbrush is next to mine. When my daughter asks if Travis is in heaven with Simba's(from the lion king, her fave movie) dad. I just cry. I don't want her to think she's making me cry but my eart just hurts. She is telling anyone who will listen. We went to the fair and she was getting her face painted and told the lady "my uncle got hit by a firework" the lady said oh no is he ok now? My daughter replied "he's in heaven now." I just broke down. She keeps asking me when I go to work will I come back? She was there when it happened. It was so fast and such a panic I'm not sure what she saw.

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My heart goes out to you. 

 

I too lost my young brother in an unexpected accident (auto). He died on impact and never had the chance to come back. Some part of me is glad he didn't suffer from his injuries but some parts of me wish I could have said some last words to him. 

 

I would recommend seeking someone out to talk to, either professional or personal.....this will make you feel better. 

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Nikosb13   

Wow.. I'm so sorry to hear this. My Brother was also 14 and passed away in July.. and I'm 10 years older than him. If you ever need someone to vent/talk to, I'm more than willing. I guess it would be nice to talk to someone with similar feelings. 

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I'm sorry for your loss, Kirsten.  I lost my 18-year old brother 11 months ago to a car accident.  It was the day after valentine's day.  I made him tell me he loved me on valentines day too because that's what big sisters do, we taunt our little siblings.  He is my only sibling though and living life without him is so difficult.  Some days are easier than others, but more often than not I am in shock that I have to live the rest of my life without him.

 

I haven't been able to find much on the internet about tragic sibling loss, especially younger siblings.  I am 24 myself.  If anyone out there has lost a younger sibling, I would love to join together and share our thoughts.  Feel free to email me: linheferle@gmail.com

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Meld   

Hey Kristen

 

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss.  I also lost my brother in July to a severe reaction to peanuts. I never truly understood grief until losing my brother.  I have been going to an amazing grief counsellor and the following is something I learned from her that was really helpful to me and hopefully will help you.  

 

It is hard to know if you are coping or what healthy grieving looks like this is how my counsellor explained it.  Healthy grief is made up of 2 states. The first state is doing everyday things like going to work/school, doing things with your friends and family, going grocery shopping, attending appointments etc. The second state is crying, staying in bed or on the couch not being productive and being sad (however that manifests itself for you).  Now healthy grief is moving between those to states throughout the days or weeks. Unhealthy grief is staying in one of those states for to long for example it is unhealthy to bury yourself in work and not deal with your grief at all. It is also unhealthy to stay in bed crying for days on end. I found it helpful to understand that moving back and forth is healthy grief and that at first you don't get to choose when and how you move back and forth between the 2 states but as time goes on you get to have more control over when you move between those 2 states.  As time goes on you know you are healing by the control you gain in switching between the 2 states.

 

Something that I have found to be unique to sibling loss that not may people see is the sense of loneliness I feel within my family now.  After loosing my brother I am now an only child.  I have found this extremely hard to deal with.  At christmas this year I was surrounded by my family but I have never felt so alone in my life.  I have lost my partner in crime, the person I would make fun of my parents with, the person that would watch the same TV shows or movies with, the person I would get new music advice from.  We were best friends and loosing that partner at family gatherings has been really tough. Has anyone else felt similarly?

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