Members Bobby Lee Posted August 11, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 11, 2014 I can't believe it's been a year. It's not gotten any easier folks, I'm sorry to report. I feel that my loss is starting to twist my feelings and perspective on those around me, and in my life, in a negative way. I feel myself getting agitated when family and friends comment on," moving on " as if that were possible, there lives are the same as they live there lives and function normally. They say things like, Alicia wouldn't want this for you, she'd want you to be happy, and to carry on. I am aware that these statements are meant well, and I appreciate that, but like I said, it's pissing me off. Don't even get me started about those positive uplifting message of hope commercials from Cancer Center of America every damn break on the T.V. for F#@$ sake. I don't want this to be a rant, it's not what I intended, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, I'm having trouble dealing with the loss of my wife, I'm a little ashamed of the fact that I'm such a mess that I'm searching for solidarity from strangers in an online forum. I mean no disrespect to anyone, and I don't mean to offend. I am so sorry if I've offended anyone, I am so lost without her, and it's not going to be alright it seems. My heart will not carry on past this point, to a time when it feels o.k. to move on without her, it feels like I would be leaving her behind or trying to replace her. I'm thinking about talking with my Doc about medication for depression as a means to cope. I know that it's not a cure all, and that it's not a fix, but it would be a start to something? Something has got to change, or let up , at least to the point that I can function and not break weak in front of my son when the topic of his mother comes up. I can't let him down, I'd never forgive myself. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to be a jerk to people. I feel like I'm suffering through life without her! I guess this is just the way it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sim-law Posted August 12, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 12, 2014 Sorry its still so bad for you after one year. I don't think that we move on so much as just carry on living, I have been lucky that so far no one has tried to make me do or feel anything I am uncomfortable with apart from my doctor today who wanted me to get out and meet people and make new friends! I get what you say about the TV, there seems to be continual commercials for cancer treatment in this state, just when you are trying to take your mind off things with a movie or such. I am on Zoloft and I do think it may help you take the edge off, doesn't seem to have any bad side effects. You will never be able to replace your wife but perhaps you will be able to have another life of some sort. I tend to refer to being with my soulmate as my past life, and what this life holds for me I have no idea. Peace and hope. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted August 12, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 12, 2014 Bobby Lee - Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed let alone like your offending us because most of us feel exactly the same way. We have been dealt a life changing blow. Not only do we mourn the loss of our beloved but our lives have been changed in a way that no one can understand unless they have experienced the loss of a spouse. A lot of us get mad at folks who seem to think they know it all. I am also a member of a women's only grief support group and you should hear these ladies go off on people who say things like "good Lord Judy, its been a year and a half, you should be over this by now". You know what? I may never get over this! What does getting over this even mean?? Do not be embarrassed that you talk to people on a forum. We are all real people going thru the same thing. If we were able to meet in person once a week don't you think we would?? We may be strangers but we have a whole hell of a lot more in common than those people you know and they say "you should be over this by now". It is going to take as long as it is going to take. I have pretty much decided for myself that my life is not going to change one bit. I'm not going to meet a nice man and get married again. I will live the rest of my days lonesome but committed to my husband because death has not parted us. That is a stupid saying anyway...I wonder where that comes from "til death do we part". My husband is no longer around physically but I am as much his wife today as I was the day before he died. And for now, that comforts me in an odd way. I really do find a peace in that, like I've accepted something. It may not be his death I accept but I do accept the plans for the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Marty2121 Posted August 12, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 12, 2014 Bobby Lee you're not offending anyone....you are describing what we all feel. I recently went to visit my son in Colorado where I was hoping for peace. Well I did find it and was able to let my darling husband rest. He will forever be in my heart and I will cherish the 30 fabulous years I had with him. I realized I was trying to incorporate him in my "new" life but I can't do that....he's physically not here. So instead I took those 30 years and all the wonderful memories and love I have for him and put it in my box on a pedestal. When I want to be with him...I bring the box down and reminisce about OUR life together. I am tired of crying and feeling sad all the time, so instead I ask him to protect me and be with me. I felt him tell me how much he too adored me and will always be with me but please live for him and our son. Don't get me wrong...in an hour or so, sure enough I'll be crying. If you want to talk some more email me mendm1717@yahoo.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bobby Lee Posted August 13, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted August 13, 2014 Thanks you for the kind words and thoughtful suggestions all, I really thought that no one would understand. I can't articulate what is going on inside me, to those I come in contact with and try to impart there unsolicited wisdom and easy answers. Mostly family and close friends are the ones doing this. I've even had people say " You know, we all miss her too, but I gotta snap out of it." What does that mean? Like it's a contest? Or I'm seeking there pity or attention? I really don't understand, or they don't understand. I can't open my eyes in the morning without being reminded that she's gone. The life we made together, the home we shared, her personal effects, her clothes, her car, her dog( that hates me) everything, everything reminds me of her. Even without all of these triggers I would think of her constantly, regardless, and they want to come over and ask me whats wrong! Unbelievable. I also can relate to the comment about, Till Death Do US PART, and feeling that it wasn't the end of our marriage even though she's gone. It was the best 14 years of my life, she was my best friend, my everything. A love stronger than death is the sentiment I try to convey when I buy her flowers on Mothers Day, Or her Birthday, or our anniversary. A dozen white roses next to her urn. " As we were, so shall we remain." Forever with me. It's how I feel, although I don't love the idea of being alone forever. I'm only 39, my heart's just not in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Karen.Lyn Posted August 15, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2014 I lost my husband to cancer just over a year ago and I doubt I can offer you any words of wisdom that will make you feel better. An antidepressant may be a good short term solution for you. Or if you just want to talk to someone who knows how it feels, pm me and I'll give you my number. Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted August 15, 2014 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2014 Bobby Lee - Bless your heart sweet guy. Reading your posts gives me the feeling of the depth of your love for your wife. It is very touching. Since my husbands death I have been dabbling in Life After Death, psychic mediums, etc. I've been listening to some John Edward audio books. Something he said yesterday made an impression on me and I'm not quite sure yet if it was a good impression or a bad one. He explains that his ability to communicate with loved ones who have crossed over is to help the surviving person to hopefully accept what is and go on with their life and live life to its fullest. He says that some people are so absorbed in their grief that is where they stay for the rest of their lives. Or that we live counting the days until we join them which really isn't living. That is all fine and dandy. I had a reading by a medium and while it was extremely helpful it did not help me to move forward with my life. I feel like I'm standing in a doorway that is open to nothingness. I am scared to death to go through it. I want my husband with me to go through it. I never was good at doing things alone and I'm scared beyond words. It isn't like I had a reading and my attitude went from extreme grief to La-La-La-La...my husband is with me in spirit and I can just be super happy and live live live!!! Know what I mean?? I find that this forum is super helpful because we here all totally understand what each other feels. I've had that "you've got to snap out of it" comment or "your not the only woman to lose a husband". As much as I hate to say it, I almost can't wait until they experience this loss so I can say "See!!! Not as easy as you thought, huh???" The words to a Beatles song - "all the lonely people, where do they all come from?"...heck, I know where... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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