Having a horrible time

[shkeitout]

I lost my dad to Leukemia on Fathers Day of this year. I am having a terrible time dealing with it. I've tried talking to a counselor and it hasn't helped. Every time I close my eyes, I see him sitting in a hospital chair, barely able to keep his head up. I hear my mom in tears calling me and telling me to tell my dad Happy Father's Day and that I love him. I've barely been sleeping. I cry myself to sleep every night. I just don't know what to do. My doctor put me on anxiety medicine because I've gotten to the point lately where my anxiety gets so bad that I'm gasping for breath and just can't get air. I just don't know what to do. I lost my job shortly before my dad died and now my anxiety is so bad that I don't even want to be around a bunch of people. I just don't know how to cope. I don't know how to make the pain stop. I don't know how to stop seeing him as he was before he died, in the hospital, sick and dying. 

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  The loss of a parent is so difficult....the most difficult thing I have ever been through.  The anxiety, lack of sleep, countless tears, heavy heart.  I too remember my mom in the hospital during her sickness and it's a tough memory but I regularly look through photo albums way back from my childhood until she got sick and then I am able to keep those images in my head.  I never realised just how important our memories are until she left us.  Now that is what I hold on to and as sad as I get when I think of her, it helps.  Not sure if this helps, just wanted to share.  Bless you and take care.

Cindy

[dayzed and confused]

Hi,

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. You should not feel bad about taking the anti anxiety medication - you need it right now, and you won't be on it forever.

 

I felt and sometimes still feel like withdrawing from everyone since my mother passed, June 3.  I don't know if it is because I can't stand that the world keeps going and yet it is forever changed by her death? When i am alone, I can feel how I am feeling and grieve without any judgment or explanation.  I think you owe it to yourself to take the time you need to grieve, you have to feel it to get through it.  

 

This was the first time in my life that I didn't know how to cope - how to make myself feel better.  I've always been able to find a way.. and not being able to do that is crippling. 

 

I will tell you that I am learning how to balance the grief with my life (work, kids, friends) and that you will too.  

 

This is all so overwhelming right now, but pray, remember to breathe, and take the medicine you need so that you can sleep at night.  Drink plenty of water, and try to escape into a book, movie, music - whatever you need in order to get some relief from the pain. 

 

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

Tina