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I'm so scared of losing everything


hannaugh

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I apologize, this is going to be a long post. 

 

The first loss was about 8 years ago.  My great aunt, who I always loved, passed away.  Her immediate family never had any kind of memorial, so I never really got closure.  

 

About 7 years ago my friend Ralph, who was 22 at the time, went off his meds and committed suicide.  I used to have lunch with him and talk to him several times a week.  His family wanted to keep the memorial small, I was never invited.  

 

6 years ago my grandmother passed away in our house.  My mom and I lived with our grandparents my entire life up until that point.  No memorial service, my grandfather couldn't handle planning one.  

 

4 years ago my friend Mai was killed in a drunk driving accident.  She had just graduated from college.  We went to her viewing and it was easily one of the most disturbing and gut-wrenchingly sad experiences of my life that I will never forget.  I cried every day for weeks. 

 

3 years ago my grandfather and my husband's grandmother passed away.  We finally had a memorial for my grandmother jointly with my grandfather.  

 

2 years ago my dog of 16 years passed away.  That was one of the hardest losses because we had to take him and have him put to sleep. He had an eating problem and it was either that or watch him starve to death.  I thought I was going to lose my mind without him.  

 

Last year my great uncle, one of the greatest people ever in our family, passed away in his sleep.  A month later my great aunt passed away.  She was the last of the older generation.  

 

This year on New Year's Day I made a statement that the only thing I wanted this year was no deaths, no loss.  Losing my grandparents meant we lost our family home that everyone gathered at for holidays.  Some of my family moved away to another state.  Christmas for my side of the family is me, my mom and my aunt.  

 

2 weeks into January my husband got a call that our friend Brian, who was 38, passed away from the flu.  He went to bed and never woke up because he couldn't breathe.  

 

I've been dealing with all of this and probable undiagnosed clinical depression for years.  The last 3 years one of the only things I had helping me deal with all the pain were my cats.  I was starting to feel better the last few months, I really felt like things were turning around.  I went on a long trip with my mom and when I got back I found out that one of my cats (my favorite cat) had gotten traumatized and run away while I was gone.  I've been looking for him for over a month now.  I cry every day, so scared I will never find him.  I feel guilty for leaving him and never thinking he could run away like this.  I'm not giving up hope, but it is so, so hard.  I hurt in my body and my soul.  I feel like I'm sick and broken in my heart.  The only time I can bring myself together is when I am going out to search.  When I was at my lowest, this cat was like a little ray of sunshine, something I could look forward to and depend on to be there when I came home and now he is gone.  I look at photos of him and it doesn't feel real.  Like I'm going to walk in the other room and he'll be there.   

 

I just feel like the world is a cruel place and that the universe hates me and wants me to be miserable.  I feel like if I talk about my feelings to my friends that I will become a burden to them and I will lose them too.  I live in fear every day about what will be taken next.  I am in so much pain I don't know what to do.  I just feel lost and I need help, but I can't think of anything that would help other than getting my cat back.  But I know there is a big possibility I will never see him again.  

 

Today I found out a long time family friend I've known my whole life passed away and I couldn't even process it, like I never got the call.  I'm too tired, there's nothing left.  I'm rounding out almost a decade of losses, I can't do this anymore.  

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It takes my breath away to hear about your losses.  As I have gotten older, I have found that the news of a recent death, brings back the raw feelings I felt when the person before that died.  Thereby compounding my feelings and emotions each time I get news of a death.  There is a Bible scripture that I read that said that life is “short-lived and filled with trouble (glutted with agitation).”  Seems like we are constantly dealing with one struggle or tragedy followed by something else that is equally bad or troubling.  I have found several things that have proven helpful.  I try to remind myself of how the person who died would want me to live.  They would most likely want me to remember them with happiness coupled with living a happy life.  They would not want me to think of them only with sadness.  Also reading the Bible has been huge for me.  Focusing on comforting passages and promises from God. Reminding myself why death happens and what God has promised in the future.  I can truly say that such knowledge has proven to be an anchor for my soul.  It has helped me to successfully cope with death in a way that I never imagined.  Don’t get me wrong, Death is still heart-wrenching sad, but the true knowledge found in the Bible has filled me with hope.   Focus on your spirituality.  Also finding a good friend to open up to is vital.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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I still can't find my cat and now my sister says her cancer is back and she has 18 months to 2 years left.  I can't do this.  I am seeing a doctor on Thursday to get some medication for depression.  I wish there was a "stop horrible tragedies from happening to you" pill, that would probably help more.   

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Just read this. Wondering how you're doing after a year...

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