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[Lavenderjay85@hotmail.com]

My story

Name: Johnnie

Screen Name: Lavenderjay85

Age: 28

Location: Vista, CA ( San Diego Area )

Hi, there is so much to say about losing Amia. She passed away on June 12 , 2014 at 9:55pm. She was born at 9:40 and passed away soon after. I was 32weeks pregnant. It was a normal day in my pregnancy she moved all night the night before. I wake to her moving. Otw to the city of SD I started to feel painful contraction. I thought they were Braxton hicks so I decided to breath through them. I continue on my journey and made it home later that night. I normally count fetal movements around 6 pm every night but she was not moving. I call L&D and they told me to drink cold water and lay down the start the count. But she never moved again that I could feel. So waited for my husband to come home. Around 740 and we went straight to the hospital. When we got there the nurse found the heart beat for only one moment. So she call 3 doctors in. None were about to hear or see the heartbeat on ultrasound. They gave me a emergency c-section.. Before they put me under I was warned that she might not make it. When I wake up after the c-section I was met with the pediatrician and the Chaplin with the worse news of my entire life. My daughter that had been inside of me for the last 32weeks was gone. She was born lived and died all in 25 mins. No words can express my grief, the disbelief. I hAd a normal uncomplicated pregnancy and then my placenta tore. Had no discharge no bleeding, no warning just Braxton hicks. My heart is hurting and I don't know how to not cry. I long for her know she is gone forever. It's feels better to know that I'm not alone. How do I make the days go by easier? How do I sleep at night? Will I ever feel better? How do comfort my husband? How to deal with the process of laying your infant to rest?

Thank you for taking the time to read my loss.

[missingaddie]

Johnnie,

 

I am so very sorry for your unimaginable loss. Words are failing me right now but I am thinking of you and sending love and hugs.

[Echo622]

Im so sorry to hear of you're loss.  When we as women get pregant it changes us physically not just the

cravings and all that goes with physically changing.  We change at the core of our physiology.  And that change

is permanent.  Mom's are wired to be maternal and do be the protectors of our children.  We are never the

same again after a pregency occurs.  It goes against nature that we should lose a child.

 

I too have lost both in miscarrages and in 2013 Feb 1 my only daughter and first born child.  She was 29  An amazing

young woman who changed the world at 18.  Like losing such a tiny young child, they come into our lives

to teach us to bring us the lessons.  Your loss humbled me.  As I had 30 years with my  daughter.  And that

your loss so very early showed me that humbleness.  She came to teach, and if you can understand that

for what ever reason her life's work was completed.  She is not gone from you, just abides in a different

place.  I thank you for sharing youre sweet daughters story as it made me understand I had 30 years and you only

weeks.

 

Husbands are different.  Just let him know you are there,  And that his pain is your pain.  Its hard as we greive differently

than our partners as I mentioned above.  As hard as it is, try to be strong and embrace this greif together.

 

Thank you for showing me how blessed I am for having my daughter in my life for the 30 years she was here.

 

All the points in your post, I too am struggling with.  And I will try to address them all in another post shortly

 

All my best

T

[Mia_is_my_daughter]

Johnnie, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my daughter. Her name is Mia. She died at 23 weeks due to a congenital heart defect. I only carried her in my womb, only felt her move in my womb and now I carry her in my heart. She died two months ago and I live one day at a time. If you want to talk please message me. Talking about what we are feeling really helps a lot and has kept me going. Again, so sorry for your loss. Stay strong, and remember that Amia is still with you. Look for signs she is sending you, letting you know she is with you. You will always be her mommy and she will always be your baby girl.

[ldressle]

I am so sorry to hear of your sweet Amia's loss.  How sad, sadder still that you only saw her for a brief moment.  Never got to see her grow.  So sad!  I hope your heart can heal.

[mellow2122]

Dear Johnnie,

 

         I am sorry to hear of your loss and can say that on July 3, 2014 I went through the same experience and loss my little girl Faith Maria Gonzalez at 27weeks, she had been diagnosed with Turner Syndrome and fluid was taking over her body. They gave me a choice to terminate my pregnancy and I couldn’t because she was still fighting for her life and I couldn’t play God. The doctors told me that her heart was going to eventually stop and no matter how much I told myself that I was prepared, I wasn’t. My husband was trying to be strong for me but it was tearing at the both of us. Then that horrible day came and I went in for my normal checkup and her little heart had finally stopped. I was lost, confused, angry at myself, sad because she was gone now and knew that I was about to have a C-section and not bring her home. They kept trying to get me to get in a hospital bed and I wouldn’t because then I knew it was real. Then at five o’clock my family came and I had to go down to the operation room all by myself. They put me to sleep at my request and took her. When I woke up I was screaming and looking for her. They calmed me down and took me to my family where they all tried to comfort me. The nurse asked was I ready to see her and they brought her in. She was so delicate because of all the fluid I couldn’t embrace her the way I wanted. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her in that blanket. I watched everyone else hold her, love her, kiss her and see her.

 

I kept trying to be strong and not breakdown in tears. I had been telling myself ok God wanted her more, God loved her more, God knew what was best and all these where my reassurance not to breakdown. At her funeral everyone was crying and I couldn’t because someone had to be strong and that was me. I read her poem from her father and me on that day. I read a letter I wrote to her telling her how I never would regret this journey and how I thanked God for it. I held my sister when she began to cry while sitting next to me. I held my daughter in my lap and kept her spirit up. I thanked our guest on behalf of my family and myself. Everyone kept asking themselves why I wasn’t crying and how could I be so strong? I kept saying I am ok, she is in a better place. God knew what was best.

 

What people didn’t know was that I had suppressed all my emotions and had shut down. All these things where a dream to me and I was going to wake up eventually and Faith would be with me. I had to keep telling myself these things so I would start to believe them myself. I acted as if I had never been pregnant and my life was back to normal. My life was far from normal and I needed help because I was slowly dying inside. I forgot that I had another child here and she needed me too.

There were so many other women that had went through this in my life and I didn’t know. Their love, support and kind words encouraged me and helped me along the way. I started going to counseling and I now have a new normal in my life. My daughter Faith helped me find a strength I didn’t realize I had and new confidence I forgot about. My family went to South Padre Island and had the times of our lives getting away from all the pain. We rejoiced because we had her in our lives and she was a wonderful blessing from GOD. Her name Faith, came from the faith that I had I God and what he was going to do in my circumstances with her.

 

It is not going to be easy and people can say things along the way but you have to grieve in your own way and only you and God know what is going on. You can cry for however long you need to because there is no expiration date on grief and pain. I still cry at times even though I am happy again and started a new life with my husband and six year old daughter. October 9, 2014 is my due date and I broke down crying October 2, 2014 due to happiness and pain for my daughter Faith. You will close your eyes at night and feel your daughter in your heart. She will always be a part of you and live on inside of you through your love. Your days will get easier as they go on and you begin to heal and realize you did all that you could by loving her. Love your Husband and let him know that the two of you will get through this together. Be there for him as he should be there for you. Let each other know what is going on and how you all are feeling. I go to my daughter’s grave sometimes but not all the time because it gets hard. Laying your child to rest will never be easy but you must go on for her. One day you and your husband will be blessed again and they will have a guardian angel in their sister. I talk to my daughter about her little all the time. I tell her that she is in Heaven watching over her and keeping her safe. She talks to me about her sister and it hurts but I know she loves her and misses her just like we do. I also know that GOD will bless us again and she will watch over that child too. I let people know I have two children not just one and I love them the same even though they are in two different places. You are not alone and talking about it will help you heal in the process. We all share the same thing which is “PAIN”. I am here if you ever need to talk email me and I will give you my number if you like. Mellow2122@yahoo.com