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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Barrial1

Lost my partner, my soulmate, the love of my life

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Fzald, that's probably the right attitude to have. Bitterness would only serve as another layer of grief. Perhaps one day someone within her family will reach out to you in hopes of sharing those great memories. 

It's such a blessing to have a mom like that, someone who just treats everyone like family, just because they're someone that's important to you. Friends who really understand or make the effort to try and understand, are so precious. 

Hang in there friend, 

Andy

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fzald,

I'm sorry this is how her family is reacting.  They are missing something by refusing to see what she saw in you, and by refusing to embrace her choices...it's almost as if they are devaluing HER.  I'm glad your family and friends know and understand your relationship with her.  It is true that no one can take what we have together away from us, that belongs to us alone.

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Sooooo.. 2 days ago Sunday . May 2017 ... I wake up next to my soul mate .... 5 years of bliss .. first person to ever make me feel loved. Except she doesn't wake up ... so my soulmate dies at 35 ... and I'm left alone in this world. I have to plan a funeral giving in a lonely empty life and all I can do is wonder why her and not me ..... why ... my family is religious but I have trouble believing in a Higher power who would take such an angel from this world and leave me behind .... I can't think straight ,can't stop crying,nonstop headache , can't eat can't sleep , and I have to go back to work . We weren't married , didn't think it was important ,we were young and going to be together forever so when we had more money we would do it right. So no bereavement. I feel like I have a mental disorder ... I was with her, called the ambulance, went to hospital , stayed with her for who knows how long after they gave up on her , watched her turning colors. Yet I still feel like she's going to walk in the door at any moment .. how do i go from that to real life , losing half household income, work , bills , much less deal with the pain , hurt , lonlyness and realizing she was my forever but I'm here without her ..  how and why go on in this situation ?

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37 minutes ago, Alone4ever said:

Sooooo.. 2 days ago Sunday . May 2017 ... I wake up next to my soul mate .... 5 years of bliss .. first person to ever make me feel loved. Except she doesn't wake up ... so my soulmate dies at 35 ... and I'm left alone in this world. I have to plan a funeral giving in a lonely empty life and all I can do is wonder why her and not me ..... why ... my family is religious but I have trouble believing in a Higher power who would take such an angel from this world and leave me behind .... I can't think straight ,can't stop crying,nonstop headache , can't eat can't sleep , and I have to go back to work . We weren't married , didn't think it was important ,we were young and going to be together forever so when we had more money we would do it right. So no bereavement. I feel like I have a mental disorder ... I was with her, called the ambulance, went to hospital , stayed with her for who knows how long after they gave up on her , watched her turning colors. Yet I still feel like she's going to walk in the door at any moment .. how do i go from that to real life , losing half household income, work , bills , much less deal with the pain , hurt , lonlyness and realizing she was my forever but I'm here without her ..  how and why go on in this situation ?

I am so very sorry for your loss. I won't pretend to know your exact grief as it is different for everyone. I do know the pain of sudden loss as my wife was taken by a heart attack on 04/01/17. I am 2 months in to this journey and the pain is still ever present. This despair you feel is still very raw and very new for you and I am sorry that you have to deal with this. But I am happy you found us as we are here for you with no preconceived notions and no judgement. We are here to listen, foremost, and to provide you with our stories as they may be able to help you navigate this road you now walk. When I was with Lori in the hospital room after she passed, it was surreal. I could see her in the bed but my mind was telling me it wasn't real. I have now discovered that this is our body protecting us from the full weight of the loss and the damage that would do to us. It's sort of a defense mechanism. The next few days(and maybe weeks) will seem like you are in a fog or a haze. You may not remember a lot about this time(at least I don't). Take care of yourself physically as you are very vulnerable right now and your body needs proper nourishment and hydration(I wish I had known that from the start). If you have friends and family that offer help, take it if your comfortable. For most people helping you with tasks is the only way they know how to help. When people offered me help, I took it and it was beneficial.

Keep posting if you feel up to it. You will find people on here from all walks of life that are experiencing the loss of a spouse/significant other. They brought such words of wisdom to me and have helped me on my journey and I hope we can help you too.

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Alone4ever,

I am sorry for your loss...I remember feeling and thinking much the same things when I went through it 12 years ago.  We were 51 and 52 and had only been in each others lives 6 1/2 years...it's as if our whole life was in preparation for meeting one another, we were an amazing connection, soul mates.  I wondered, how could I do another 40 years without him?!  I was scared, anxious.  I didn't know how I'd make it financially, let alone in the important ways.  These are the things I have learned since: 

I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  Some things I've learned on my journey:

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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5 days ago today (01/24/18) i lost the love of my life. i’m 17 years old which many people will probably say i’m too young to know what love is, he was 18 when he passed away last week. Yesterday was especially tough because it was our anniversary, no we weren’t together for years on end but it felt like we were. Time doesn’t measure the connection we had, we clicked, he was my best friend and partner in one. When he passed away we were broken up and planning to get back together, we just didn’t get around to it .. we still spoke often. I spoke to him the night before he passed away and we said “i love you” and much more. Everyone looks at it as less because we weren’t officially together .. but i loved him the same. he loved me the same. this pain is unbearable and i’ve lost all motivation for anything and everything. People keep telling me to just accept it but i can’t. how am i supposed to accept that my baby is gone for good? how do i just simply let it go? i can’t just wake up and forget about how his smile was the light of my life, how his laughter was my favorite song, how his kiss was my favorite touch, how his hug was my safest place, i can’t just wake up and forget how much i love him, how much i care about him, how much i miss him. A big piece of my heart is in heaven and i don’t know what to do. He was everything .. someone i was myself around, someone i opened up 100% around, someone who made me feel safe and comfortable. I don’t want him to be gone. who ever killed my baby is still out there walking free and we don’t know who it is. why does the person that did this get to walk free while my baby is buried underground .. i miss him. i don’t know what to live for without him, the only thing i can do is make it successfully and make him proud. Yes i’m young but this hurts just as much as if i was older. there’s no map that shows me the pathway to hearing. When he died so did a piece of me and this is a wound that will never heal, a scar that will always be there, a cut so deep it will never stop bleeding. 

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@Kaylee Michelle  I am so sorry.  You are right, it's not time that is the measure of our love, it's not our age, it's not how long someone was married or even IF they were married, it's the depth, the quality of the relationship...and that is those of us here, those struggling to go on with life when it's pulled the rug out from under us.

You don't "let it go", you don't "move past" it, you continue loving him just as he continues loving you. There is no timetable for this journey, it takes what it takes.  There is only YOUR way.  You will always miss him, that continues.  It won't always stay in this intensity, grief evolves, the pain diminishes eventually as we begin to adjust to all of the changes it means for our life.

I hope for you that justice is served, I know no amount of prison time is enough, it doesn't replace what is taken from you, but I hope you get to see someone caught and sentenced for this.  

I do hope you are seeing a professional grief counselor, that is very important.  Please talk to your parents and school counselor and see about finding someone who can help guide you through this, it's a whole lot to try to do on your own.

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I am so sorry to read about your loss, and the heartache that you are enduring. Death is our greatest enemy, and with the pain we feel..comes despair, and sadness. As mentioned grief and sorrow transitions to becoming more bearable, but the emptiness never leaves us. 
An effective tool that helps us to recover from grief is to strengthen our spirituality. With a strong spiritual base we can at times
lose hope, but never fall into the pit of hopelessness. We can gain strength and hope by reading the promise that Jesus made at John 5:28,29 which reads  28 :Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice...and come out! This gives you the hope that you may one day see your loved one again.
James 1:13 Reads  "When under trial, let no one say: “I am being tried by God.” For with evil things God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone." A God of love would never do something to make us suffer.
             So why does man grow old, and die? Why is there so much suffering and death? Did God allow your boyfriend to die? Is there hope for dead loved ones? Why do bad things happen to good people? For the answer to that, and many other bible based answers to questions you may have I invite to you to click on the following link...

https://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-truth-tract/know-the-truth/#?insight[search_id]=f5059eb9-9dab-49e9-9265-e382f53dd067&insight[search_result_index]=0

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My soulmate passed away 4 months ago.

Most days i still think hes alive, hes doing something, hes busy, hell call me later and then i remember hes gone and i think i might scream and go to the nearest person and ask them to help me. I dont know how i am able to control myself in public. Its like finding out he died over and over again. I feel crazy. 

I missed his last phonecall, i replay that day over and over again. What was i doing that was so important that i didnt pick up the phone? i replay the voicemail he left me, i call him back and listen to his voice "im not able to get to the phone right now but if you leave a message i will get back to you as soon as possible", he had the most beautiful voice. 

I talk to him when things get so unbearable especially at night. Why did he leave me? I miss him so much, my friend, my soulmate, we had so much left to do together. He was a beautiful soul, with a beautiful laugh and a huge smile! How will i ever live again? How do i go about life? Life was so beautiful to me and now i just want to leave and be with him again. I want to smell him and rub my face on his beard, i want to tell him so many things and i will never be able to, ever again for the rest of my life.

I have the rest of my life with myself, without him and our plans. What do i do now?

Reading all of your posts has helped me. Im tired of people saying the same things to me. I dont have anyone to talk to about this. Reading your posts makes me feel less alone. I feel all of your sadness so much.

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@Monicm  I am so sorry, I know how hard it is, we never forget those early days/months, finding out.  Family may care but if they haven't been through it, they can't understand what we're going through and feeling and how different our life is now.  I didn't have anyone to talk to either, all of our friends disappeared on me, rather quickly.  I, like you, miss his voice, his smell, although it's indelibly etched into my brain, I will never forget those things about him, or how I felt when he held me.

You talk about feeling he's busy (but not gone), those early days it's disbelief, it takes much much time for reality to set in, it's a process to realizing something of this magnitude.

You may have read my article above, but in case you didn't, I want to share with you what I've learned that has helped me in my twelve year journey:
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Grief and limbo

5 months into this 

I read this morning that if I (we) experience 3 hours and even a full day with thoughts elsewhere we are healing.  With that being said I guess I can say I'm healing.

The pain the loss is still so deep and excruciating in between that I still feel I'm drowning and am simply not going to get through this without him.  A place we all feel.

Never ever have I experienced anything so remotely close to this grief.  This is a situation where you can't pick up the pieces and move forward.  This is a place where I'm  lost.  This is a place where I'm vulnerable and shattered. I ask myself if I'm ever going to make it through this place. I look for escapes.  I think perhaps if I was wealthy I could travel and travel and travel.  That wasn't me before and I know escaping isn't my way of moving through this.  Yet I fantasize escapes.  I dream of escapes to get out of this place.

I feel jealously toward others who haven't experienced this pain or are busy with a life that isn't shattered.  Jealousy is not part of my fabric but I'm feeling it.

Limbo.  I keep thinking of limbo.  This weekend I realize limbo is where I am.  It is a place I've had to park my soul.  There are no limits or obstacles in limbo.  Limbo is dull. Limbo is numb.  Limbo is discerning my surroundings and people. Limbo is a place where I can't go back but I can't go forward.  Limbo is where I'm parked as I feel acceptance surfacing.  Acceptance I'm not ready for at this moment.  It isn't the time for me.

Who has experienced limbo here?  Would love to hear about your feelings and your travels through limbo.

I still wake up with shock realizing his absence. I did fall asleep visualizing he was next to me in his new energy space.  It was calming but I'm not ready to accept that. Its horrifying.

Memories are still painful.  even the beautiful ones.

and people who really mean no harm but are afraid to connect with grief.  They can't walk with me on this journey. I'm not the person they enjoyed that completed THEIR moments of fun.  I have those that do walk by my side.  In the end it isn't Wayne walking by my side.  In grief you are alone.  I'm tears flowed this weekend.  Those grief howls where I have no options but to curl up and scream.  Realizing what I'm saying is "There isn't anyone or anything I want except you."

 

 

 

 

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I've always considered myself a fairly strong person......until now.   I lost my husband to leukemia in June,  we were together 24/7 since 1982.   We were loners,  just happy to be with each other.   Listening to music,  having some beer & laughing till our sides hurt.   He wanted to die at home after his battle with leukemia.   I was happy to grant his wish.............Now I can't get his death out of my mind.....just keep re living the last day.  I honestly feel like I died with him.   We used to have people popping in all the time to visit, and he used to get irritated by the company.   Since his death,  it is pretty much like I have the plague.     I know I am not the most pleasant person to be around right now,  but this is when I need friends and family the most.

garylee.jpg

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@why am i still here  I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband and I were together all the time too except when we had to work, soul mates, best friends, everything to each other.  

14 hours ago, why am i still here said:

I honestly feel like I died with him.

In a way, we did.  We will never be the same, this loss, this grief, it changes us.  Sure, we're still us, but we're a different version of us than we used to be.  

It helps to come here and post, to know that what we're feeling is normal in grief, to know there are others that get it and understand.  You're at about eight months, shock wears off and reality sets in...and yes, isn't it amazing that friends can disappear so fast.  Like we're contagious, they are reminded of their own mortality and know if we could lose our spouse, they could lose their's and that is not comfortable to them.  It's hard enough to lose our spouse, everything, absolutely everything in our lives are affected, but to have friends disappear on us when we most need them?  Unacceptable.

I hope you'll go back through some of the threads, read Azipod's journey, it can be of help.

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You are absolutely right...............  He battled the leukemia hard for two years,   and 2 years before that when the VA couldn't figure out what he had, a another long story.    We spent 42 days at Mayo in Rochester when he underwent Induction Chemo.   It didn't work.   Then we went to Chicago to get him into a study.   He was in such bad shape by that time,  he didn't meet the criteria.  He wanted to die at home,   our home of 32 years,  and I couldn't refuse him.   But now can't get that last day out of my head.   I am trying to keep busy,  set goals...but having trouble getting motivated.     After all the doctoring,   I felt relief at first, when he passed.........  It was like a huge load was lifted off my shoulders,   but now that has been replaced by a huge hole that I don't know I can ever fill.

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You may have already seen this posted above, but I want to share it with you in case you didn't look that far back...it's what I've gleaned on my twelve year journey and I hope something in it will be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

You may have already seen this posted above, but I want to share it with you in case you didn't look that far back...it's what I've gleaned on my twelve year journey and I hope something in it will be of help to you.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Thanks so much for sharing this.  Funny you mentioned the Pet's.....  My husband and I were big dog lovers.  I had Yorkies for years,  but the last 2 had health issues and died prematurely.    My daughter is a Vet/ Veterinarian Pathologist,   and suggested we adopt rescue dogs instead.   I have 3,  and they are literally life savers for me.  They give me a reason to get up in the morning.  The make me laugh & are there to comfort me  when I am sad.

 

 

 

5a8391f7ceccd_Garypups.thumb.jpg.6e86f3cd91c9aedf389cd67f1b345658.jpg

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They are adorable!  That might be a good dog to consider when I need one again, my current dog is huge and I'm 65...my next one will hopefully take me into my 80s, I won't be able to handle a Husky at that age, I barely do now!

They do give us a reason to get up in the morning, I can't imagine my life without my dog and cat.  The cat isn't what I'd call "loving" but we've developed a bond between us over the years, but my dog is very interactive and gives thoughtful kisses and makes me get my exercise by walking him twice a day no matter what the weather.  PLUS he's entertaining, very goofy and funny!

Here's my Arlie:
 

Arlie running.jpg

PC020003.JPG

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What a pretty boy!  I am going to be 63 in May.   I don't know if I would have the will to go on without my pups............  Seriously thinking I would like to rescue a boy Yorkie,  so my two little girls wouldn't have to fight over Chester ( the only boy)

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That would be neat!  And like you say, it gives you a reason to live, it's a win/win.  :)

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The strangest thing happened to me yesterday,  after I posted the message about wanting to adopt a Yorkie.............  I got a text from a acquaintance.   She works with Shelters and fosters dogs.   I wasn't familiar with her phone number,  but got a text with a collage of pictures of the cutest Yorkie.........the text read,   He needs a home,  his owners are getting a divorce,  I am giving you first dibs on him.  Or he goes to underdog rescue.     He is one year old,  6 1/2 pounds,  His name is Zippy.     What are the odds,  on Valentines day of this happening?   The perfect little dog.  Thinking maybe it is my hubby trying to help me out.   As it turned out,  my Valentines day had some good news & turned out better than I had hoped:)   I kept going back and forth on pursuing getting another dog,  but I really think this is meant to be,  Deb 

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Deb,

This is elating!  I am so glad and that it happened on V. day, that is great.  You'll have to share a picture!  :)

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I'm glad you'll get that time away in warmer weather...I'm supposed to get 13" snow in the next 24 hours but hoping not that much, that's a lot of shoveling.

I look forward to seeing a picture of your new little Yorkie!  They're such adorable dogs.  :)

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Hello!  Well it was warmer in Houston,  but a very hectic,  very little sleep,  trip. Definitely not a vacation.......more like a punishment:)   I have not got the pup yet,  they are super busy, so in the process of setting a time to pick him up.  Probably this weekend some time.  I do have a couple of pictures I can show you , but they are on my phone,  and not sure how to get them to you?   If you could message me,  or send me your direct email,   i could send them that way.  Sorry, not too good with the tech stuff.  Got my first smart phone at age 62!

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