Barrial1

Lost my partner, my soulmate, the love of my life

102 posts in this topic

I lost my love on July 10th, 2015. It's like a large part of me died that day, too! It was sudden and unexpected. We are still waiting to hear the cause of death. In the meantime, my heart hurts so bad that I really don't want to go on. My life seems colorless and empty without him. He made me feel so loved and cherished and took such good care of me. He made me laugh with all the silly things he did. He always told be how beautiful I was and how much he loved me (He always said "I love you MORE!!!)
Now he is gone. There is a giant huge void in my life right now that causes me so much pain. Now I am scared and alone.
Don't know what to do.

 

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I'm new to this site but my husband passed just on 9 months now of a fatal heart attack and the pain of losing him is still so in fair I cry so easily and really have no desire for anything anymore even my children or grandchildren and they use to bring me so much happiness I can't believe it's really happened and he won't be home when I get home it's so cruel to have to cope on your own the loneliness is just to much the memories hurt like hell and I try to focus on other thoughts but this stupid brain of mine goes back to that hurtful night God bless us all but it really brings no comfort

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I would like to extend my deepest condolences to all of you and your families that are in this post. Death is the greatest enemy of mankind, knowing that we will no longer be able to hear our loved ones laughter, or see their smiles is a devastating thought. And to lose an close friend, or relative to that enemy, is such a hard, and devastating thing to endure. In the world that we live in unexpected, and tragic things occur. Eccl 9:11 Says "Time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all." So bad things happen to good people. But is death the end of all things? Please allow me to share a hope found in God's word the bible..John 5:28,29 which reads " Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice. 29: and come out" This is a promise that Jesus made to all of us who are affected by death. Many are taught that when someone dies that God needed another Angel, and because of this false belief, many instead of drawing close to God in times of tragedy..push him away. From the words in this post, I can feel the love that many of you have for your loved ones, and that you would have done anything for them. . Can you imagine how God feels seeing you suffer? Then why does God allow suffering? Why do bad things happen to good people? What happens to our dead loved ones? Many have these same questions. Please examine this free tract entitled "Would you like to know the truth?" On the following link. http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/know-the-truth/1102008390/#?insight[search_id]=facc7496-d0fd-45b9-b4ba-34b0826f4f32&insight[search_result_index]=0

You will find bible based answers to these questions.

May you find peace, and comfort. Condolences.

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Hello everybody... Sorry for your losses... My name is Sergio...

The love of my life (Josh) passed away three weeks ago. The pain is so much! I have been trying to escape from this... Distracting my mind in other things, but honestly there is no way for me to smile again. I had a relationship with my partner for only six months and I knew him as if we have been together for years. He wanted to marry me and was making plans for the future, but he was too sick and was pain killer´s dependent (He had two autoimmune diseases and had scar tissue damage on his legs). I did not care about all his health issues, we were fighting together against all that. Now, I understand all the pain and the hell he was going through and I have a little bit of peace because he is not hurting anymore. Although, everything I´ve said I feel alone and I´m hurting so bad every time I think about him. It feels as a part of you is dead, I don´t want to do anything. We talked a lot about him dying. He wanted me to be happy and move on, but I can´t. Just yesterday I got a message of one of his friends telling me that he told him I was the best he could asked for... That just broke my heart into pieces and is killing me every day... I´m tired of be crying but I cannot help it...

I´m 29 years old and I´m counting the years that I need to be in pain in this earth without him. I really want to see him again and it is hard for me because I don´t believe in anything. I´m so desperate to believe in something and have hope that someday I´m gonna see him again an be reunited. It is so hard to think right now...  It just hurts...

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Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.  You say he died three weeks ago but your angel date says February 6, so that confuses me.

Yes we feel like we died too because everything about our life changed the moment they died.  It takes much time and effort to process all this and adjust to it.  

Try not to count how many years you have left without him, that invites anxiety...breathe and take one day at a time (or an hour if you can't handle a day).  Try to live in the present.

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Thanks for your answer and advice... I´m trying... Well, it was three weeks ago. I wrote Feb 6 because that was the first day we met and I consider him my angel since then...

Thank you so much...

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Oh, that makes since then!  Most people put the death date as their angel date, that just had me confused. :D

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How do I say it? I have read every one of your stories and it makes my heart ache.My story is a little bit different , but I am in the same endless grieving zone as everyone of you are. You feel so hopeless, and life seems so futile.There's no where you can go to without taking your grief and pain together with you. 

I met this women a few years back and instantly fell in love.Something clicked as soon as we saw each other and we had never been happier.But she's leaving soon.She suffers from Cerebral Aneurysm and Lung Cancer ( No she's never touched a cigarrette) and we are doing all we can to cure it or prolong her life ,but nothing's working.I can't take her abroad for better treatment as there's no way I could or she could afford it.The doctor has given her 6 months. Now everyday is like going through this never ending pain of guilt and sorrow. How do you console yourself when you see her in pain everyday and knowing there is no hope ? How do I console her?  Is there life after death ? I desperately hope that there is. That is the only thing that keeps me going.That's the only way I can meet my baby after she leaves me in this life. I keep listening to Pearl Jam's "Last Kiss" .I need to be a good guy in this life.I got to be good so that I can see my baby when I leave this world.Until that time, it's going to be one tough journey.I won't commit suicide. I think about my family. Why give them the same pain? I can't let my parents suffer the same way I am suffering. I know how hard it is, and I don't want that for my parents. They say life moves on .I highly doubt it. I will never recover from this loss. This pain's never going to leave me. What can I do ? Can I sell myself to provide her better treatment ? If it could raise enough money I would. I wouldn't give it a second thought. I have asked for help of course. I have written to Ellen, to Oprah, to a Saudi Arabian Prince and football players. I never heard back from anyone. I felt stupid doing so afterwards. But what options do I have , than to try such desperate measures? I don't blame them. Why would they help a stranger? A random life has no value in this world. It's just another person. But I really don't blame them. They don't know how much I love my baby, and how much I want to save her. I don't know what else to say. Everyone who read this far, thank you for doing it.Please pray for my baby. Maybe miracles are possible. Maybe she'll recover . I still have some hope left.

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Ben,

I'm sorry.  I don't consider it stupid at all to reach out for help.  I would be calling news media, starting a GoFundMe account, writing Dr. Phil and anyone else that does any good works.  I know, Dr. Phil usually helps with drama laden people, not people dying physically, but it never hurts, right?  Every contact you make, even if they can't help, maybe they know someone who can.  

You are in what they call Anticipatory Grief.  It's a hard place to be in.  You watch the person you love dying bit by bit, suffering, while you can't stop it, all you can do is be there for them, try to make them comfortable, take care of them.

I am so sorry that all of the best efforts to save or extend her life don't seem to be working.  I will pray for her..for you too.  This is both of you going through this together.

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Ben22---I am so sorry for what you are going through. i really don't know what to tell you. Just be there for your loved one. Be with her as much as you can, enjoy that time, cherish it. Keep praying to God. God hears us and He is watching over the both of you.

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Thank You KayC and KMB for such kind words. It's not over until the Almighty says so, and I still have hopes left that the Almighty will answer to my prayers.

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Hi Ben 

My heartiest prayers to God that he does a miracle and your baby becomes well again. Just like before. We should never loose hope in God. Nothing is impossible for him.

I would advise you to fulfill all her little wishes which she wanted in her life. Maybe this would make her happy during this tough time.

 

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13 hours ago, Sadaf Nazim said:

Hi Ben 

My heartiest prayers to God that he does a miracle and your baby becomes well again. Just like before. We should never loose hope in God. Nothing is impossible for him.

I would advise you to fulfill all her little wishes which she wanted in her life. Maybe this would make her happy during this tough time.

 

Dear Nazim, 

I am doing everything within my might to keep her happy.She's been unbelievably strong and most often she conceals her pain and accompanies me with her beautiful smile. But because I love her so much, I can clearly see it in her eyes the pain she's going through, not just physical pain but emotional pain that she feels given the fact that she is going far away from me. We both each other so much and are trying to cherish every moment we are together right now. 

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8 hours ago, Ben22 said:

Dear Nazim 

Ben 

You made me smile today. I am Sadaf and Nazim is my deceased sweetheart. When you mentioned me by his name, it made me feel happy. Thank you. 

I pray to God that he eases the pain of both of you, gives you and your love strength and makes your love healthy again. Please don't lose hope. 

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One of the things I've learned since my husband died is that physical death does not completely separate us.  It changes things in our everyday lives for now, but the love we have is forever, now it's displayed through faith, the same way it was built originally.

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34 minutes ago, KayC said:

One of the things I've learned since my husband died is that physical death does not completely separate us.  It changes things in our everyday lives for now, but the love we have is forever, now it's displayed through faith, the same way it was built originally.

That's so true kayC. It's about faith now. Thanks a lot. 

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

One of the things I've learned since my husband died is that physical death does not completely separate us.  It changes things in our everyday lives for now, but the love we have is forever, now it's displayed through faith, the same way it was built originally.

Faith---the biggest word with the most meaning at this moment in time and everyday we travel this journey.

KayC---You are our source of constant comfort and wisdom. God has blessed you since you are traveling on the same journey. Hugs to you.

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Thank you.  I was just speaking about this on my other site:

I try to encourage everyone to at least open their minds to the possibility that just maybe life after this exists!  There is so much research on this and even if someone is of a different faith/belief, they can agree that there's a lot we don't know.  Even just believing in that possibility gives one hope.  The only things that extinguishes that hope is closing your mind to the possibility.

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My guy and I were planning a life together. Had been together 2 years. We hadn't gotten around to getting married but had numerous talks about it. It hadn't been incredibly important to get married because, like you said, it's just a piece of paper. There wasn't a rush.

Don't let anyone undervalue your relationship just because you didn't sign a paper. I'm struggling with this kind of thinking from his family. I was living with him and his kids. I wanted to adopt them when we got married, his family knows this. But, since he died, it's like I'm not family because we weren't married. 

I guess try to remember what you both had. It's hard when people try to devalue your relationship with your soulmate. I'm not sure people do it intentionally. Doesn't make it hurt any less though. 

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Myghostdance, No one should undervalue a relationship. Not even your partner's family. That is crossing a judgement line. You were living with him, loving him, planning a future, helping with raising his kids. He was your soulmate, don't need a marriage license for love. I'm sorry his family hasn't been more supportive to you. It does happen unfortunately.

Do the best you can in dealing with them. You have every right to grieve. They are grieving as well and maybe their loss has them acting less than generous with your feelings. Be patient and kind with yourself and others.

 

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4 hours ago, Myghostdance said:

I guess try to remember what you both had. It's hard when people try to devalue your relationship with your soulmate.

Wise advice.  Both of you know what you have together and the fact that he died didn't change anything in how you feel about each other, only your ability to be together like you'd like to.  As KMB said, maybe their loss has them acting less than their best.

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I know exactly how it feels to have a relationship devalued. My girlfriend's family did not approve of our relationship, they felt I was too old for her among some other reasons, but the result is that when she died, my relationship with her was denied by her entire family. I was barely even considered a friend of hers let alone an intimate partner. This meant that I didn't get to help with any decisions, I didn't get to help carry out her wishes that she had expressed to me, and I didn't even get to keep very much of her stuff - mostly the stuff she had directly given to me herself. 

Her family has actively accused me of lying about our relationship.

I try to base this on the fact that they are grieving hard themselves, and the fact that their daughter had been in a relationship with someone they disapproved of is too much to accept, so it's easier to devalue me rather than to accept that she made her own decisions. 

Luckily, my own family and friends and people who knew us both acknowledge not only our relationship but the depth of it. I have a lot of people who do recognize that we were in love and that we had a strong bond. But sadly, none of those people could have any effect on the decisions made by her family. Her family made all of the decisions as to what to do with her stuff, how to lay her to rest, and so on, and I know for a fact based on our conversations that much of what happened would not have been what she would have wanted. 

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4 minutes ago, fzald said:

I know exactly how it feels to have a relationship devalued. My girlfriend's family did not approve of our relationship, they felt I was too old for her among some other reasons, but the result is that when she died, my relationship with her was denied by her entire family. I was barely even considered a friend of hers let alone an intimate partner. This meant that I didn't get to help with any decisions, I didn't get to help carry out her wishes that she had expressed to me, and I didn't even get to keep very much of her stuff - mostly the stuff she had directly given to me herself. 

Her family has actively accused me of lying about our relationship.

I try to base this on the fact that they are grieving hard themselves, and the fact that their daughter had been in a relationship with someone they disapproved of is too much to accept, so it's easier to devalue me rather than to accept that she made her own decisions. 

Luckily, my own family and friends and people who knew us both acknowledge not only our relationship but the depth of it. I have a lot of people who do recognize that we were in love and that we had a strong bond. But sadly, none of those people could have any effect on the decisions made by her family. Her family made all of the decisions as to what to do with her stuff, how to lay her to rest, and so on, and I know for a fact based on our conversations that much of what happened would not have been what she would have wanted. 

Fzald, and anyone else struggling with families who didn't accept them, or tried to diminish their relationship,

This is a touchy subject, but in many ways funerals and arrangements are for the living.  I understand your concerns about carrying out her wishes, I had more than a few of my own during Christine's arrangements.  Between balancing the wishes of a strict Catholic side of her family including her mother, the much looser interpretation of Daughters exploring their own spirituality, the limited wishes Christine had expressed to me, the immediate money we had available, and the intense shock I was going through, it was a juggling act.  If I had my way, things would have been done differently, but I didn't need it.

Nothing that was done would bring her back to me, and at the core of it, in my heart and I know in hers, that was all that really mattered to both of us.  So I capitulated to the wishes of our Daughters on most thing, knowing what Christine would really want is them protected, to my Mother-in-law on issues that I knew were priorities for her faith, cut corners on things I thought no one would notice, and tried to hold on to my reality through the entire nightmare my life had become.  In the end, I think we had a beautiful service and funeral, that everyone approve of, and would have put a sad smile on Christine's face and a tear in her eye.

I am so sorry that her family tried to diminish your role in her life, but take comfort that they can't.  Only you have that power.  They can not make your love for her any less intense, nor can they reduce what she felt for you.  Only you can give them that power.  They can manage the funeral in a way you don't approve of, they can warp what your love was in their own minds, they can be hurtful to you at a time when you are already crippled with pain and grief.  All that does is give them a false sense of who they lost.  In your hearts is where love resides, and we all know the absolute and beautiful truth of it.  The truth of knowing what the other person was feeling, thinking, hoping, and desiring.  By denying that, the families are putting themselves further from their lost, not closer by controlling the physical affairs.

Specifically for you Fzald, I am sorry that you don't have many of her possessions.  Take comfort that those you do were so special to her that she shared them with you.  If you need more, perhaps get her a gift, that you keep with yourself.  After she passed I got Christine a beautiful coffee cup from Starbucks with pink orchids on it.  She loved coffee, orchids, and the color pink so it was obvious.  I brought her a cup of coffee in it to the grave site, then brought it home with me.  Now I take it out when I have coffee, and sit it near her favorite chair.  It isn't the same of course, but I do feel closer to her at those times, and it has helped me.  Remember, no one can take your memories, your love, or your knowledge of hers from you.

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6 hours ago, Herc said:

Fzald, and anyone else struggling with families who didn't accept them, or tried to diminish their relationship,

This is a touchy subject, but in many ways funerals and arrangements are for the living.  I understand your concerns about carrying out her wishes, I had more than a few of my own during Christine's arrangements.  Between balancing the wishes of a strict Catholic side of her family including her mother, the much looser interpretation of Daughters exploring their own spirituality, the limited wishes Christine had expressed to me, the immediate money we had available, and the intense shock I was going through, it was a juggling act.  If I had my way, things would have been done differently, but I didn't need it.

Nothing that was done would bring her back to me, and at the core of it, in my heart and I know in hers, that was all that really mattered to both of us.  So I capitulated to the wishes of our Daughters on most thing, knowing what Christine would really want is them protected, to my Mother-in-law on issues that I knew were priorities for her faith, cut corners on things I thought no one would notice, and tried to hold on to my reality through the entire nightmare my life had become.  In the end, I think we had a beautiful service and funeral, that everyone approve of, and would have put a sad smile on Christine's face and a tear in her eye.

I am so sorry that her family tried to diminish your role in her life, but take comfort that they can't.  Only you have that power.  They can not make your love for her any less intense, nor can they reduce what she felt for you.  Only you can give them that power.  They can manage the funeral in a way you don't approve of, they can warp what your love was in their own minds, they can be hurtful to you at a time when you are already crippled with pain and grief.  All that does is give them a false sense of who they lost.  In your hearts is where love resides, and we all know the absolute and beautiful truth of it.  The truth of knowing what the other person was feeling, thinking, hoping, and desiring.  By denying that, the families are putting themselves further from their lost, not closer by controlling the physical affairs.

Specifically for you Fzald, I am sorry that you don't have many of her possessions.  Take comfort that those you do were so special to her that she shared them with you.  If you need more, perhaps get her a gift, that you keep with yourself.  After she passed I got Christine a beautiful coffee cup from Starbucks with pink orchids on it.  She loved coffee, orchids, and the color pink so it was obvious.  I brought her a cup of coffee in it to the grave site, then brought it home with me.  Now I take it out when I have coffee, and sit it near her favorite chair.  It isn't the same of course, but I do feel closer to her at those times, and it has helped me.  Remember, no one can take your memories, your love, or your knowledge of hers from you.

Herc, 

I think you handled things quite wonderfully with the arrangements, you sound like a thoughtful and considerate person, and I'm sure your beloved Christine was more than happy with all of your decisions. And I agree, funerals and viewings or visitations are for us. I refer to them as "rituals of closure". Things WE need to do to get past point "A", so we can move on to point "B". These things help us by memorializing our loved ones, taking care of them one last time, giving us a tactile focus for our grief. It provides "direction" when we are so lost. 

Fzald, Herc is absolutely correct, they can't diminish what you had, you know the depth of the love you had for one another, and nothing can change. I imagine that their "coldness" has contributed to the sorrow you feel, not being able to connect with her family has to be its own agony. Sharing stories or trading memories is a big help during this time, so the isolation you feel is probably made worse by their attitude. Whether they feel "protective" of her, or simply grieving in a way that prevents them from having even the slightest empathy, it's not right at all to shut you out. Whether they "approved" of you or not, it doesn't matter, your beloved approved of you, SHE loved YOU. 

Herc, I like the idea of buying a gift for our beloveds and then keeping it as symbol or tribute, that's beautiful. I bought flowers for my wife this Valentine's Day, and I had intended taking the entire bouquet to her grave (God, I can't believe I'm saying that...), but decided to take just one rose. The flowers we so beautiful that I know my Tracie loved them in OUR home, just as if she were here physically. It makes us feel better doing things for them, it helps keep us connected. We still get to express the love that we know will never fade away. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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Andy,

You're right, nobody can take what we had from me. The good news is there are others who acknowledge and valued our relationship - most of my friends, and my family. My mom had already accepted her as my "long-term partner", and she has told me she fully expected us to be married someday, and even to raise a family together hopefully. She saw her as part of our family. To that end she was very open and friendly with her, invited us out to eat many times, included her in our own family celebrations like birthdays and holidays, and so on. So my mom at least had a ton of respect for her, and she can empathize with me being upset with her family's position.

The only thing that makes me sad is that she never was able to "get" her family to accept me. To the bitter end they chose to decide I was a thorn in the family's side, someone to be devalued and ignored, and no amount of her love for me could change their mind. Obviously their disapproval was big enough that even in her death they cannot accept how much of a part of her life I was, how much we grew together, how much our personalities meshed together. I suppose the best way for me to think of this is to feel pity for her family, in that in being this way they are choosing to ignore and miss out on some of the best parts and memories of their daughter...

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