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Lost my partner, my soulmate, the love of my life


Barrial1

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Hi all. As I have seen many other say, I am not sure if this place is what I need, but I am willing to give it a try.

I lost my soulmate of 8 years to lung cancer on June 4 and I have been in agony ever since. He was my best friend. We did everything together. And I feel so terribly alone. No one knows how to relate to me or how to treat me.

It also angers me that just because we had not gotten around to marriage....people seem to treat my loss as somehow less than if he had been my husband. We were planning on spending our lives together. Does a lack of a piece of paper from the state somehow lessen our love for each other or the pain I feel now?

Why are some days so much worse than others? There is no rhyme or reason to it.

All I know is that I miss him every second of every hour of every single day.

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A week ago today I lost my girl of 4 years in a car accident. Other than the circumstances of loss, everything your wrote is exactly spot on with my situation. We knew each other like nobody else did, including our families. She was the only person that i've ever been 100% open and honest with, and the only person that could help me when my depression settled in. And now that I'm expreriencing the worst pain I've ever known, I have nobody that understands me, or can relate to me even a little. Also, like you, we had never gotten around to getting legally married, but fully intended to spend our lives together. We always said that we were married in our own eyes. And being introduced as her "boyfriend" at her memorial just didn't feel right. I don't think people realize just what her loss has done to my life. They just say "I know, we're all going to miss her", or "Keep your head up, it will get better". They aren't going to miss her like I will. They didn't even really know her. I'm the only one who will ever know who she really was.

 

The truth is that I died with her. Being with her was my life, and now my life is gone. The lonliness is worse than unbearable. I am truly sorry for what you are going through, and I know that there's nothing I can say that will help. I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I hope beyond hope that somehow we both eventually find some kind of peace.

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I am so very sorry....though I know that really doesn't help.

I know what you mean about being introduced at the memorial. His family took care of all the arrangements and, while including me, consulted primarily with his x-wife. I get they were together for a long time and had 2 children (can't really call them children. in their 20s now). But that part of his life was over and had been over for years. Made me sick to always be placed on the end of everything as his "special friend". It just wasn't right. Just because they had not moved on, he had.

I try not to get upset. I know they were all just trying to help. But they did not really know him. Not at all. Not even his x. Not his true self.

Just like you and your girl.

I hear you.....

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Recently my girlfriend and mother of our 3 year old son committed suicide.  i am so lost without her.  i am doing my best for my son.  i even started working again.  the pain is numbing during the day and i hate it.  i dont want to let her go.  i drink at night to re feel the pain and open the flood gates.  its only been a month.  its already been a month.  i feel abandoned. so alone and scared for my son.....  help me :(

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On Father's Day, my wife and I were involved in a terrible car accident. I was sent to the hospital with a cracked skull, a terrible concussion and a broken finger. My wife of 28 years was killed instantly and died at the scene. I was informed in the ICU of my wife's death.  We were hit by a distracted driver. We were parked on the side of the road, on the shoulder. My wife did not deserve such a violent death. Our family doesn't deserve to lose such a loving person.  I miss her every minute of every day. The ache does not seem to go away. The hardest part of this for me is waiting until I die to get to see her again. I realize that I probably need to be here to take care of our college age daughters but this doesn't help me get over this major loss. 

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You can be with someone for years and not feel a thing, you can be with someone for only months and feel infinite love. The amount of years nor a piece of paper defines the love one feels for a significant other. I understand because my boyfriend and I, whom I just lost to suicide, were only together for months but our love for our significant other can never be understood by anyone, only us. I also feel alone, I dont look forward to anything my future is now nothing without him. everyone says time will help heal, but no it only seems to get harder. I dont know if you are religious or have any beliefs, but only thing I can say is pray. Our questions will never be answered to why were left alone but praying can help ease us at least a little bit.

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It also angers me that just because we had not gotten around to marriage....people seem to treat my loss as somehow less than if he had been my husband

Barrial1, A piece of paper from the state that says your married is only important, if you feel that it was important. It does not make your love any less, or your loss any less painful. He was your soulmate and the two of you were committed to one another, thats all that matter's. I'm sure he would tell you the same, if he could. So very sorry for your loss. 

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I'm in the same situation, but we've been together for 14 years and it's only a day & a half since I got the news. I'm desperate for help from this unbearable pain. It's so new & I haven't slept or eaten yet & am not thinking clearly at all, when I'm able to, I'll expand on my story. But I'd so much like to have some support from others in the same situation, until I am in a state where I can write more.

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MissingDaniel

My heart goes out to you, Suzy.  I was with my husband about the same length of time, and losing him felt like losing myself.  It's been over a year for me now, but I do remember the fog of those first few days and weeks.  It is hard to do anything, or think of anything except the shock and pain of losing that other half of yourself.  It is so important to try to take care of yourself and to accept the help that is offered to you.  Right now you need whatever help people are willing to give.  I am so very sorry! 

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Thank you so much! Just to hear comforting words helps. How long does this pain last? I wake in the morning in excruciating pain & unbearable crying, & have another horrible day to face when even a minute is unbearable. I cannot imagine getting through the rest of my life. I want my life to pass to escape this pain, where I should be enjoying each day. I wish I knew that it would get better. I have a new grand baby I have to babysit over the next few days & I can't do it! No sleep, pills, constant screaming pain. I feel so guilty for reaching out to people, because they can't help & get tired of it. Guilt makes me feel worse! And the fact that I've already had to inconvenience my family re the baby sitting arrangements, add the baby can't sleep at my place in my state, my other kids have to have him there, but they're busy in the days, & I still have to go over there & baby sit. I know no one can help me, but how long does this last? There's no life for me without my soul, my light, my reason, my love. Sorry to be a burden with all this.

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I'm going on 20 months and it still hurts.  I imagine it always will.  How in the world can  your kids expect you to baby sit??  You are only 1 week into this. At one week I was a mess and a half.  Felt like I was walking around in a fog.  Couldn't eat or sleep.  There is no way I could have watched a baby.

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I'm only 3 days into it. We've tried to work out every alternative, but there's no other way except he sleeps at my other sons place instead of mine (that gives me the night free), but, because that son will also be out both days, I still need to go over to his place to babysit. Today, 1 son & his g/f will be there, as back up, but they're no help at all. Tomorrow the other son will be there, he's more support. But I still don't know how I'm going to do this. I'm dreading it. Up to my eyeballs in pills to try to alleviate pain & calm me down. I got a bit of sleep last night because of the meds, but feel like I haven't at all. Thanks for your concern. I hope I get through these next 2 days. How long does this last until you can start to feel a little life again, or even want to be alive again?

I hope you are feeling better these days.

It means so much to talk to people who understand.

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One good thing happened.. The kids left some of the baby's stuff behind and they were thinking of taking him with them anyway, to save the problems for me. So this seemed to be a sign . As guilty as I feel about it, it's a good thing right now. They all stayed with me for a while & that lifted me for that time. I'll repay them with a weekend of babysitting when I'm feeling up to it.

Does anyone have to be on medication in this first part of the grief? And how long have people found they need it?

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I lost my husband to cancer on March 30th 2014.

I just wanted you to know that being married doesn't make people treat you any better. Family included.

I am miserable. No one recognizes my suffering or checks on me.

The only reason I haven't taken myself to a solitary cottage in Ireland or Scotland is because I'm waiting for my house to sell so I have the money to disappear for a while and feel sorry for myself.

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I'm so sorry people aren't checking on you. I understand how alone that makes you feel and that you want to escape & be alone. I, too, would love to get away from the memories, but it's impossible. I hope you can get to do what helps you feel better.

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I am so sorry people are not checking on you, too. I found the same thing happened with me, though. I guess people are not exactly sure what to say or feel they don't know how to help. What they don't realize is that just there presence helps....this is such a horribly lonely place to be. Hang in there. The pain doesn't seem to go away, but little by little I am getting used to it so it isn't the only thing I feel.

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I wasn't looking for anyone... but I found him!  The most loving, caring man I'd ever met!  We were together 3 years and just got engaged in December.  We never fought even once! He was so easy going and nothing ever bothered him. Everyday he told me he loved me, would kiss me and say he'd see me after work.

On April 30, 2014, nothing was any different! Hugged me, he loved me, kissed me and said he'd see me that night.

At 3:00 a cop showed up at my work, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble!" and laughed.

Went into a room, I sat down and he said...." My fiancé, had passed away and told me where to pick up his truck!" That's it!

There were NO SIGNS what so ever!  He was always in a great mood especially when he was cooking! A song would come on the radio and he'd grab he and we'd dance in the kitchen..... always joking and laughing! He seemed so happy and everyone said that they'd never seen him that happy until he met me!

I never got to say good-bye to him because his mother had him cremated .... but I was told that I wouldn't have been able to anyway because there was a deer rifle involved.

I can't stop crying! Everyone tells me that I have to get over it and move on!  How? He was the one I've been waiting for all my life! Now... I've got nothing!  When I finally go to bed I sleep with one of his shirts that has his deodorant smell on it just to make it seem like he's there! I feel like I'm crazy!

I just miss him so much.... but I put on my mask when I go to work... come home and cry with my dog.  That's my life now! 

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This is my first time here, everyone. I'm in a fog, hurting beyond words. I lost my partner of 8 yes on 8/24/14. And bcuz of his mother,, I never wuz given any input , no info on his medical procedures& kept fr him..He wuz diagnosed with brain cancer in July,surgery to remove tumor, more surgery fr his brain swelling, then went into a coma, day after 1st surgery..She created an atmosphere that I wznt able to visit him, last weeks of his life. Then when it became to hard to keep living in our home without him,.I moved with family . I found out my love had passed 3 DAYS after he passed. She never bothered to put the venom aside to at least do that..His fav cousin txtd me, only one from his family to reach out to me. For 8yrs him& I were joined, loved each other to death. Went thru everything. So hard to believe that diagnosed with a tumor in Jan, gone in Aug, at 46?????

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I agree with the comments people making about " a piece of paper" being important..In my case, now I wish I had married him. He kept bringing it up" why don't we". But I wuz being patient, waiting for his work situation to get better. Figuring we had time..At least then I coulda bin involved, had a say so in his medical issues. So many things I wish now, I had done differently.. So many things I just also wanna say how sorry I am to everyone out here for your loss

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I'm relating to all the comments. Esp.bout how I feel.so alone,.just so so hard to believe he's gone so.sddenly. Im not trying to hear" it.takes time I just know what I'm feeling now. And my whole life has turned on a dime. I'm lucky& blessed to have loving family& friends that are here for me. But all I can do is think of the love of my life is no longer here.

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I am so sorry to everyone here who have lost their loved ones.

There are NO rules, rights or wrongs, time limits, etc. - everyone deals with it differently. When you lose someone ,you do whatever you can to find comfort.

It took me 5 yrs to finally let the love of my life go but I still miss him everyday.

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Having a down day today. Staying on the verge of tears. I miss my partner so so much. Feeling empty& alone today.

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I m so angry rt now. My partner's mother treated me like crap, during his illness. Never to this day told me he passed. Found out 3 days ltr fr his cousin, who thought I knew. Now I'm hearing she's " concerned bout me, not mad at me, we can be friends" The grimy nerve of this woman. No calls bout his funeral, no calls since he passed but now we can be friends???? No soul, no conscience, no heart. Unbelievable!

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every moment is an anniversary now

of every moment i spent with you

 

and every breath is a reminder 

of how much i miss you now

 

 and i miss you so much now

i do not want to have to breathe again

 

this world is a worthless place without you

 

i simply do not want to be here

i want to be gone

 

like you are gone

forever; every day...

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How do i begin to talk?; to whom do i speak?; who has ears to listen?; who has a soul to hear?

 

My anger wants to batter something, someone; hammer itself away until the hammer hits me and i am dead to the world.

 

that is all i want... to be dead to the world. as you are. my love. my wife. my heart. my self. my self you found and cherished til it grew.

 

it is all so hard

 

something has to break

 

and what is breaking now 

 

is me.

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I lost the love of my life of 15 years on 8/18/14. We kissed good bye in the morning as usual then he passed suddenly in his office later that day. It was a shock to everyone. I couldn't sleep or eat for the first week. The pain is still unbearable. Hardly anyone understands how special our bond was, certainly not his family, although they were nice enough to include me in his funeral as "friend". It doesn't matter anymore, we all lost him. I hope the pain will get easier. I miss him terribly, we used to do everything together. We are soul mates, a part of me died with him. I keep hearing time will heal, but for how long I will actually feel better. 

I can relate to all the postings here, I hope we all do better, one day at a time. 

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(Sherry, yes, I sent this to another griever from an earlier,post)... I soooo know what you're going through right now. I just came home from mailing a package to a family member and picking up something from the market that I didn't have to cook.  I labored over wrapping the package all afternoon and went back and forth again and again about what food sounded edible, 'cuz I can't really find the focus to even focus.  When I got in the car I was optimistic, cuz I thought, well, these tasks could certainly cut a sizable chunk out of Sat. night! So, back in the car, the two, smaller tasks, too quickly done... it's twilight and the breadth of the day behind me, all the days since my partner died - the oncoming night ahead - all the nights since he died...I cannot imagine caring enough to come up with enough tasks for the months of a solitary lifetime ahead.  I have a gazillion books that I've been reading, trying to find wisdom that will give me the key to release. Some words comfort for a minute but despair trumps a few hours later. Some are full of encouragement and break down grief so very thoroughly, but oddly they destroy all mystery, and end up breaking down instead how very much I AM grief, alone.

 

My partner of 24 years, had a heart attack while swimming in a health club pool and drowned Aug. 5th., was taken off "life support" on the 11th and "died" on the 12th. All of these measurements are equally unreal. In a bizarre twist, the man who tried to resuscitate him after pulling him from the pool, a much older man of a different culture, who's probably simply lonely and wanting to "save" at the same time - in some weird twist of concern, is now also coming on to me with offers to take me to dinners and to be my partner till the end of our lives! Apparently, in his culture, you must move-on (or women must) and "prepare for the future".

WTF??!! I am alone. I am lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone else! Or think or talk to anyone else- about inane, stupid s---t I could care less about - to people I'm not even thinking about as I stand looking at and talking to them. REALLY!!! I know this man is out of place, and I've stood my ground with him. But, yes, from all sides, we in grief get the feeling, the constant well meaning message, that we should & will "find strength", and "move on", and "it'll get better", and "time will pass"...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've said it myself to others. Because what else can you say?

 

When I arrived home this evening, devastated and blinded by tears as is often the case while driving, and having it driven home, that I don't know or care where or what direction or familiar signposts are up ahead anymore...i could not prepare food, or pick up a book, or turn on tv for diversion...what I found myself doing was coming to the computer and logging on here. Because I knew I would find someone not in my face, yet who knows the space of my broken heart first hand, whom I could talk (at) without well meaning advice and awkwardness being outstretched in all the well meaning ways...and I'm thankful for that.

And I am here for you.

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I'm on the same.page. I don't see myself.getting involved in another relationship. Don't wanna love.anyone, the way I loved my partner. He wuz my heart. To give what's left of my heart to another man,& then one day lose him too? Just don't wanna go thru this hell, hurt, loneliness ever again. Just too much pain to endure again..Its only bin 2weeks& its already annoying me to hear the" takes time, it'll get better" blah blah blah. People who hvnt gone thru our loss& pain just don't get.it

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Tryingtohavehope

Im sorry for everyones losses...if anyone needs to talk please message me! Im 8 months (as of yesterday) in to the death of my boyfriend. Like many of you I wasnt married but we had talked about it! Heck we didnt even tell people we were bf & gf but everyone knew! I had always felt a strong loving bond between us but we never actually said I love you to each other! After he died his mom told me that he had told her he loved me! I just wish I wouldve heard him say it! :( We only knew each other for a little over a year! Gosh I love him!

Sorry for ur losses...wanna chat feel free to message me...I DO know what its like to feel like u are going crazy and all alone!!!

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Tryingtohavehope

Im sorry for everyones losses...if anyone needs to talk please message me! Im 8 months (as of yesterday) in to the death of my boyfriend. Like many of you I wasnt married but we had talked about it! Heck we didnt even tell people we were bf & gf but everyone knew! I had always felt a strong loving bond between us but we never actually said I love you to each other! After he died his mom told me that he had told her he loved me! I just wish I wouldve heard him say it! :( We only knew each other for a little over a year! Gosh I love him!

Sorry for ur losses...wanna chat feel free to message me...I DO know what its like to feel like u are going crazy and all alone!!!

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Heartbroken3173

I am so sorry for everyones losses. I lost my best friend and love of my life on June 16th of this year. We were together for 6 1/2 yrs. He was my soulmate and the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. We talked many times a day and spent every minute we could together. We had some rocky times because of his alchohol addiction but I loved him not the less. My heart is broken and I cry for him every day. I miss everything about him. I do not think I will ever find someone who makes me feel the way he did. Not only did I lose him this summer but my Mom. My Mom passed away on July 26th, 2014 from complications after surgery. I have been in a black hole ever since. My world feels like it has shattered around me and I do not know how to pull myself out. The tears keep falling. I just need someone to talk to that knows what I am going through.

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Heartboken,

 

I know how you feel, my soulmate died in April and my mother has Alzheimer's and is near the end so I will have that loss very soon also. It seems to hurt more with time not less, I have too much time with nothing to do but think.

Tryingtohavehope

I do not think it matters one bit if you are married or not, when you love someone who loves you that is all that matters. I am sorry you were only together for a short time, I was with my wife everyday for 12 years and it was like the blink of an eye, I wish we had met when we were younger but it was not possible as we lived far away from each other in different worlds. I guess I now have to pay the price for my love and happiness with this unbearable pain and loneliness, but no regrets, I would make the same decision to marry her in a heartbeat.

Peace and love to you all.

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Heartbroken, I'm so sorry for ur loss. I too lost my partner 2 weeks ago. I can relate to the pure pain& hurt u are feeling. He wuz my heart.Together 8 yrs. His mother shut me out the last 2 wks of his life, as he lay in a coma. I wuz treated like trash. I miss him so so much. Pls feel.free to msg me if u need someone to talk to ok? We're all in this together, trying to get thru this hell.

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Heartbroken3173

Thank you for the responses. They are greatly appreciated. You are right when you say the pain seems to get worse instead of better. I think I was just so numb and now everything is becoming real. Marc and I watched all the Sioux Hockey games together or attended when possible. Now as hockey season approaches I dread watching alone. The laughter and anger we shared while watching the games was great. And now that is gone. I will never again get to sit beside him and cheer for our team or listen to him complain about the bad calls. I miss so much about him. Just the simple things each day are so hard to face without him here with me. The thought of never having him hold me when I am down or kiss me good night again brings me to my knees at times. As the holidays approach I am so unsure of the future and feel the need to crawl into bed and stay till spring. It is amazing the amount of pain and sadness that a person can endure before breaking. I only wish I knew where my breaking point was before I fall and can not get back up.

 

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Hi everyone, I am a real Newbie on this forum but I can relate to each and every post I read. I don't understand how people who haven't lost the love of their life make comments, suggestions that we need to "move on" etc. they have no idea what we are going through. I talk to my late husband it will be a year next Saturday Sept 20th like he's in the room with me. I want to believe people mean well however until they walk in my shoes they don't understand what it is to lose a piece of yourself. I try to be strong and put on a happy face as much as I can because I do have a mentally challenged son who gets very upset if he sees me cry or if I'm upset. So I push myself for him but I'm so happy I found this forum so that I can express myself openly to people who understand what I'm going through. Please if anyone needs to vent feel free to contact me I know where your coming from.

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Hello Everyone

This has bin a hard week for me. I can't sleep at night, until daybreak. Tears fall harder at nights for me. I'm with family but God, I feel.so lonely, alone , disconnected from my life. Everyday it hits me that my love of 8yrs is gone. Don't think I'm ever gonna get over losing him.My nights are the hardest.

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I just buried my husband of 7 years on 9/2/2014. I find people think I should be over it by now.

I'm not sure it is the paper. It might be that they have not lost anyone as close to them like you have.

My own mother does not know how to talk to me. My youngest daughter seems to be the one I have fallen on. She is 22. She never makes me feel like I should just suck it up and go on.

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Tammy, so sorry for the loss of ur husband. I lost my partner 3weeks ago today. He was my heart, the love of my life. Together 8yrs. I don't kn what sum people are thkg , when they speak. My niece told me the other week I sounded like, I wuz slipping in my life. And that wuz bcuz I didn't answer her the way she wntd, when she asked how I wuz. How could she get it? Her husband is here, together 17yrs. Pls feel free to msg me if u want/need to talk.

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I just want to say I too lost my soul mate, but it was three years ago. It continues to feel like it was just yesterday. I thought time would help me learn to cope, but things only seem to be getting worse. I really don't know what to do. I joined to maybe find a shoulder to lean on because I feel like I'm at my wits end from loneliness.

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I can relate to feeling disconnected. I feel like I'm just existing. I don't know if that makes sense.

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Yes HQ79, it does make sense to me, what ur saying& feeling. I can relate. Pls feel free, to msg me if u need someone to talk to. I too, would hope to connect to others that would like to share. On& offline. Bcuz this grieving for me is so so hard.

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Loss my husband for a year now and still cried everyday, the longer he's gone the more I misses him so much. Feel so empty and useless.... I miss everything about us. God please be with me.

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On January 4, 2015 my husband will be gone for two years.  I miss him more now than I ever did.  It is a feeling that wells up from the depths of my soul.  The same place that my tears and sobs come from.  With the holidays approaching the pain seems to be getting worse.  He was the holidays.  He is what made my life have meaning and purpose.  Without that I am nothing.  What is really awful, what really sucks, is that I live each day hoping that today will be my last.  I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore and I am just existing until it is my time to cross over. 

 

I seriously don't think I will ever allow myself to get that close to another human being again.  This hurts too much.

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Ladies as I read everyone's messages I know I'm not alone and yes the holidays are making it more difficult thus year. I think last year being the first year I was just numb. This year I am pushing myself to go forward for not only myself but for my son he gets very upset when he sees me sad so I try to keep a brave face on for him. But the other day I went to have some routine bloodwork done and the tech asked me if I was cooking for Thanksgiving and I burst out in tears, I am so not looking forward to the holidays again this year like you HeyJude my husband was the holidays and I miss him like crazy. One thing I will share with all of you I talk to my husband and ask him for signs that he's with me or a message and he has never let me down so I would suggest trying it if you haven't it has helped me tremendously with my grieving. I like to ask him for a message through a song they are my favorites but he will flick the lights, change my ice cube selection on my fridge from "cubes" to "crushed" and I know it's him because he always used crushed ice and I never do and it's on,y me and my mentally challenged son who lives here, so I know it's my Frank and it does comfort me. I am keeping all of you in my prayers. And HeyJude I have made the same wishes as you have but I really believe the good Lord has a plan for each one of us and I haven't completed my plan yet. Hang in there ladies, we are all in this together.

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Hey Jude

I'm sorry ur having such a very hard time. But even though I'm almost 3 mos into my grief and fr losing my love? I have to say I'm in hell too. Not a day goes by, I don't cry for him& the nights are so hard.Right now, I just want the holidays to be done! Plus his birthday is just a few days aft Thanksgiving, Dec 2nd. Pls.feel.free to in box me if u wanna talk, need an ear.. Blessings on ur journey.

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hi everyone.. i feel like im not alone feeling this madness. I read all these story and realize that i have to feel this years from now and maybe forever.. ..I lost my fiance 4 moths ago .. i dont think i can go through this hell anymore. we're about to get marriage next month, approaching the Day, everyday seems getting harder and harder.. i can't eat..i can't sleep. I lost 33 pounds in 4 months.. i went to psychiatrist to help my anxiety and depression. I don't think it helps. i feel guilty feeling ok. it's like i forget about him. or sometimes i wake up feel like zombi

He had heart problem, and went to hospital before to help his condition. and he got better.. i was out of town for work when i got a call in the middle of the night from his family when he was founded lying in the bed not breathing. 

i can forgive my self.. our last conversation ended up badly. i said something bad to him just because he forgot taking his medicine..he didn't mad at that time.. he just feel sad because what i just said. 

no matter how often and loud i said sorry, it wont make me feel  any better.. i just want to know that he can hear me.. i just want to know that he forgive me.. 

he's the best thing that ever happen to my life. i just want to be with him. the awful thing is i found some people around me feel uncomfortable with my grieving.. they said i have to move on, i dont have faith in god, or this is for the best, god do this because god loves you and want you to be happy.. how on earth god love me when he took my love, my future..  

 

This sunday is my birthday.. my only wish is i can be with him and we will be together forever.. 

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Can anyone help me with this problem please. It is now 11 months since I lost my dear wife. I am unable to get a mental picture of our 49 years together. No matter how I try to focus my mind on a picture of my wife all I see is  her on her sickbed an then her dying. I really want to be able to visualise all our happy times together  but no matter how hard I try the same image keeps cropping up time and again. I have tried looking at photos but this does not appear to work. Can you help and tell me it does get better over time.   Many thanks Brian

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 It humbles me to see all I am feeling posted by so many. The grief we all share at the loss of our husbands/wives/partners is the same and yet so different for each one of us. Your posts say what I am feeling, your sadness is mine. I too thought it would be easier with time, but it has gotten harder for me. The holidays this month have made it even harder, and I am coping by keeping busy and pretending it will be as before.....I am sorry for everyones losses and wish you all well.

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(Sherry, yes, I sent this to another griever from an earlier,post)... I soooo know what you're going through right now. I just came home from mailing a package to a family member and picking up something from the market that I didn't have to cook.  I labored over wrapping the package all afternoon and went back and forth again and again about what food sounded edible, 'cuz I can't really find the focus to even focus.  When I got in the car I was optimistic, cuz I thought, well, these tasks could certainly cut a sizable chunk out of Sat. night! So, back in the car, the two, smaller tasks, too quickly done... it's twilight and the breadth of the day behind me, all the days since my partner died - the oncoming night ahead - all the nights since he died...I cannot imagine caring enough to come up with enough tasks for the months of a solitary lifetime ahead.  I have a gazillion books that I've been reading, trying to find wisdom that will give me the key to release. Some words comfort for a minute but despair trumps a few hours later. Some are full of encouragement and break down grief so very thoroughly, but oddly they destroy all mystery, and end up breaking down instead how very much I AM grief, alone.

 

My partner of 24 years, had a heart attack while swimming in a health club pool and drowned Aug. 5th., was taken off "life support" on the 11th and "died" on the 12th. All of these measurements are equally unreal. In a bizarre twist, the man who tried to resuscitate him after pulling him from the pool, a much older man of a different culture, who's probably simply lonely and wanting to "save" at the same time - in some weird twist of concern, is now also coming on to me with offers to take me to dinners and to be my partner till the end of our lives! Apparently, in his culture, you must move-on (or women must) and "prepare for the future".

WTF??!! I am alone. I am lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone else! Or think or talk to anyone else- about inane, stupid s---t I could care less about - to people I'm not even thinking about as I stand looking at and talking to them. REALLY!!! I know this man is out of place, and I've stood my ground with him. But, yes, from all sides, we in grief get the feeling, the constant well meaning message, that we should & will "find strength", and "move on", and "it'll get better", and "time will pass"...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I've said it myself to others. Because what else can you say?

 

When I arrived home this evening, devastated and blinded by tears as is often the case while driving, and having it driven home, that I don't know or care where or what direction or familiar signposts are up ahead anymore...i could not prepare food, or pick up a book, or turn on tv for diversion...what I found myself doing was coming to the computer and logging on here. Because I knew I would find someone not in my face, yet who knows the space of my broken heart first hand, whom I could talk (at) without well meaning advice and awkwardness being outstretched in all the well meaning ways...and I'm thankful for that.

And I am here for you.

Well stated! I understand what you mean about the time filling tasks you create for yourself. I too find myself with too much time on my hands or in frantic situations, trying to fill the hours. Which is worse? I am getting to the point where I crave my solitude, but then end up depressed and weepy when I am alone. I understand about not wanting to be with someone else. I want my husband back  and our life we had. Not just a substitute or fill in person. I always think of the show Bewitched where they replaced Darren half way through the series. I can't do that with my guy and think it will work. I want HIM back. Unrealistic, so I am searching, searching for other ways to be happy. Travel has helped for me as well as realizing I can do or go anywhere I would like to at this time. We traveled extensively and I have taken a couple of trips alone. It was bittersweet, filled with many tears and longings, but I met many new people and managed to enjoy myself at times. Family gatherings are hard because he was always a big part of our family and my extended family. Enough! Love your post and wish you well.

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Brian - I wish I knew the answer to your question.  I didn't see my husband before he was cremated and I'm glad.  I just couldn't do it.  I did not want his corpse to be the last image I had of him. Plus I was afraid I would pass out or throw myself on him, pulling him off the thing they had him on.  I also got extremely ill when he died.  It was just a physical reaction to his death but was I ever sick.

 

Have you gone and talked to a therapist or something?  Maybe they would have ideas on how to change that last image that is stuck in your head.  I would just keep looking at photographs, every day.  And relive some memories, that has really helped me.  It helps me to keep my memories happy.

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