i have no one now

[finixi]

My fiance passed away somewhere between the evening of March 14th and the morning of March 15th, when I found him, 2014. He was only 28. We were two weeks shy of our 7 year anniversary. I miss him everyday, its almost impossible to fall asleep at night, the bed is to empty we were together everyday for 7 years. He's was my best friend (honestly my only friend), my rock, and was the only person who knew all of my fears, hopes, dreams, demons, faults and imperfections but he loved me anyway. He wasn't always the easiest guy to be with, he had a strong personality and quick to anger but also quick to forgive. He loved his son who is 9,all he wanted to do was make him proud. He had a lot of pain (emotional and physical) and he use to tell me he didn't think he'd live that long, I never wanted him to talk like that I never thought it would actually happen. This is by far the hardest and most scariest thing I've been through, we had so many plans and hopes and dreams I never imagined we wouldn't still be here together 60 years from now.

So now what? I feel like I'm in limbo, I can't go back but I also can't move forward, all the plans I had were with him and now I have no idea what to do. I'm writing this here because I don't have anyone to talk to about this and i had a need to get a little bit of my chest. I am still in contact with his family, but they lost a son and a father and I lost the other half of my heart. I feel like its easier for them since they have other people in their lives to concentrate on and I have no one. I can't help but to look at the people's lives around me and feel envious and why me? It seems as soon as I'm actually happy its gone. Some days are better than others, but nights are the hardest. I always say good morning and goodnight to him. I am glad he is no longer in pain, but now he's not here to help me with my pain. I hate this...

[Macrockaus]

[capsdi]

I feel your pain.  My companion passed away June 13 2014.  We were friends for 35 years and lived together for 14 years as husband and wife.  My soul hurts. I am in so much pain. I cry several times a day. I feel empty and there isn't a thing that brings me joy.  He had a home office and since I can't sit at the table with my morning coffee, I sit at his desk with his ashes and picture and talk to him as though he was here in the flesh. When I think of all the happy memories we had over the past 35 years I laugh then begin to sob, knowing we'll never make more.  I can't see past the next hour let alone plan for the future.

 

My heart goes out to you. I know what you're going through. Sending positive energy and hugs your way.

[beck]

I also can relate. In addition to my husband passing on June 1, 2014, my best friend lost her fight with breast cancer on April 6, 2014. I could tell her anything and she would support me and tell me off. Now, I can't talk to her about my biggest hurt and I am still hurting from her loss. She did not want a funeral and wanted everyone to have a party after she was gone. My husband, said this is really nice, when I die I wouldn't mind this. He did not want a funeral either and I am planning a pig roast on Aug 16th. Every year he wanted to have a pig roast and now he is getting one. My heart breaks and I try to be up so that people don't start to hide when they see me. I too talk to him. I yell at him too. And sometimes on my way home from work I think wait till I tell Todd about this.....oh. I can't tell him. We laughed together and we cried together as he also suffered in pain. I want to go back and not live this day. Coldplay has a video "Going Back to the Start". I love this. I struggle with the religious aspect of it all. Will I ever see his smile, his beautiful eyes that held so much love for me again? I struggle also as he was only 48 with everything we planned that won't happen, everything he wanted to see that he won't now. He had such a horrible childhood, being beaten everyday by his stepfather, and he was finally dealing with the pain (physical) and was so looking forward to the future. Looking forward to just being able to mow the lawn without the pain. It is so unfair that he is gone. I know in my heart that he loved me and that his time with me was the best he could have ever wanted. Ditto, but I did not want to be the one left behind.

[HeyJude]

My heart just breaks for you new members who just lost your loves.  I remember those first weeks all too well.  Everyone's grief journey is different but in so many ways they are all the same.  While some take longer than others I think we all end up in the same place and that is that time heals wounds.  Time is going to be a huge factor in your healing.  If you even want to call it healing.  It just seems that the more time that goes by the more you come to terms with your loss and you just start living again. 

 

Since I lost my husband I have been doing a tremendous amount of reading on the subject of life after death.  I am totally, 100% convinced that we do go on into another dimension.  Our consciousness is who we really are, that is our soul.  I know that my husband is with me.  I've had a reading twice by a medium.  The first reading just blew me out of the water.  I have had many signs from my husband.  One of the most profound sign is one night, up in the upper right hand corner of my room, there was a swirling ball of like super clear vapor and it had thousands of sparkling things swirling around in it.  I had shook my head, closed my eyes, shook my head again and it was still there.  I know it was my husband.  Especially since the book I'm reading right now, The Afterlife of Billy Fingers, describes such a thing.  But I knew it was him back when it happened too.

 

You guys hang in there.  Keep posting, buddy up with another member, that really helps a lot.  We are here for you guys.  So many of the members move on once they have progressed.  I've chosen to stick around because I know our experiences are needed by you guys so bad.  I swear, I never ever thought I would be able to breath again, let alone live, but it happens...it really does.

[meashline]

I feel the same way. My 41 year old husband's heart just stopped on June 14, 2014. 11 days after a massive heart attack and stroke. He had woken up and we thought he'd be ok. I was packing his bags for rehab when I got the call he was gone.

 

I am ok for a little while... and then suddenly all of it will pile up on me and I can't hold it together. All the loss, everything we won't do. His soft lips kissing, being in his arms. Talking about all my things with him. Finding a neat new place to eat and not being able to tell him.

 

He always kept a mental list of places he found that he wanted to show me, and would surprise me with one sometimes.... and now I'll never know the rest of his list.

 

He will never see the amazing new furniture that just got delivered to the home we moved into the week before he died. He will never again hold me and laugh about how happy we're going to be. And never bbq on the new patio.

 

Some days I don't know how I can go on. Not to say I'm going to do anything harmful. I never would. Some days don't know how I can live another day alone. I just somehow do.