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My mum has gone .... Hassles within the family ...


gijimani

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Hi,

 

I'm a 58-year-old gay man, in a long-term relationship (almost 30 years).  In the first week of July, my 77-year-old mother passed away of complications caused by Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD). I may be gay, but I'm "just your normal guy".  I have cried out my heart every day since she died.  My mother and I went through a lot together, the hardest part being, when I left my homeland to live in foreign countries, finally settling in Switzerland, 9000 km away, some 30 years ago.  I was with her in July/August 2013, accompanied by my partner (whom she loved to bits), and again, alone, for nearly three weeks in January 2014, when she ended up in the ICU for six weeks with Pseudomonas.  She returned home in late February, but needed 24-hour care, for which my two siblings and I have footed the bill.  Shortly before my birthday, in mid-June, she informed me during one of my daily telephone calls, that she was in pain.  On the 58th anniversary of my birth itself, she was a tower of strength, but the day afterwards, she admitted herself to hospital again - her biggest fear, finally rearing its ugly head.  Fifteen days later, she was in the past tense. I have never known such pain in my life.

 

The cremation and arrangements for the memorial service were made, and I was excluded.  I had booked flights to be with her, anyway, at the end of July.  There are so many issues and factors in the equation, but I was totally excluded from her farewell.  I am a psychologist, teacher and undertaker (!!!!!), but just don't know how to cope.  Had I been part of the whole mourning process, I may have been able to, but I was not.  Everything was done in one hell of a hurry, as if her demise were an inconvenience, to be dealt with as soon as possible.  When I go over at the end of this  month, I have to face my mother's apartment, the cleaning-out of it, and myriad other things, yet have had to deal with her death alone (although the support of my partner is fantastic).  There are a great deal of other things involved, but I am totally devastated.  

 

I just don't know how to cope, and long for 29th July when I get on that 'plane to take me to my late mother.  It's NOT about me, but about her - I am so relieved that she is finally out of her suffering; but, yes, it IS about me, too, because I was denied the "closure", and to me, she is still alive.  I am confused, desperate, concerned and in limbo.  I do not ask for sympathy; I am merely expressing how I feel.  I also don't know how to act towards a particular sibling, who acted independently in arranging everything without the other two family members, and thereby leaving them in a state of total sadness and distress.  This is NOT what our mum deserved.

 

Despite it all, may she rest in peace.

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missingmymama

You definitely have the right to be angry. I couldn't imagine not being in my mother's funeral or accompanying her to cremation. But what done is done and I am so sorry. You seem to have such a special and loving relationship with your mother, I am the same with my mom, but unfortunately my mom didn't even live to see her 57 th birthday. I will never get closure from that fact alone..

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You definitely have the right to be angry. I couldn't imagine not being in my mother's funeral or accompanying her to cremation. But what done is done and I am so sorry. You seem to have such a special and loving relationship with your mother, I am the same with my mom, but unfortunately my mom didn't even live to see her 57 th birthday. I will never get closure from that fact alone..

Well, thanks for the reply.  I am sorry to read that your mother passed away at such a young age.  How awful for you.

 

It's been been two weeks since that horrible day.  I still have tears for her every day, but am slowly getting stronger, although simply cannot wait to get on that 'plane in 13 days' time. More issues have, in the meantime, come to the surface regarding the interment of the urn, and I don't even know if I will attend it.  At least I am bringing back some of the ashes, and can bury them near my home in Switzerland, a place my mother loved very dearly.

 

It's sad that the death of a loved one can often bring out the worst in a family.  SO sad!!!!!

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dayzed and confused

It is sad, I know that disappointment.  You want to be closer to your siblings, because you feel as if they will be the only ones who feel the same way you do. You all lost the same important person in your life, so it makes sense. 

 

I am so sorry for all that you have been and are going through. It must have been wonderful to be so close to your mother and have such a special and loving relationship with her.  That loss is insurmountable, and you are doing very well for two weeks out, I will pray for you to have strength to handle all the emotion and pain, especially as you make the trip back to her home. 

 

Your plan to bury some of her ashes in Switzerland sounds beautiful.  

 

My mom passed away six weeks ago and I can tell you that the grief alone is great, but being alone in that grief (when the rest of your family doesn't talk about it, or share with you) is also so painful. I'm glad you have come onto this site - it has helped me tremendously through very difficult days. 

 

Be safe, take care of yourself and remember that relationship you had/have with your mom, because it lives on inside you, those memories and that bond.  

 

Best wishes, hugs and prayers,

T

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