is it still okay to fall apart?

[lostgirl2014]

i dont know where to start, like what do you write when you don't know how you feel? i found this site and read some of the storys which made me want to write and share my story. also can anyone relate to my story?

 

 

3 years ago i had the prefect little family, my mum, my dad and me. it was always the 3 of us, family holidays, family dinners, just spending time to get there. but of course not everything always prefect, every family has it up and downs, someone tell me what family doesn't?. my bad luck started in February 2011 when mum took serious unwell and got taken into hospital, it was only meant to be stomach bug but it turn out to be bowel cancer, the big C, it run in our family my auntie had passed away in 2009 with bowel cancer, this scared us. but still my mum was as strong as ever and battle through it right up until the start of april 2012 but then her health started getting worse by the mintue. she sadly lost her battle to cancer on the 23rd of April 2012 at the hospice. my world fell apart, it was just me and my dad from now on and one of us had to be strong. i was 17 years old when i lost my mum. My dad was heartbroken, he was lost, he had lost his soul mate. it broke my heart saying goodbye to my mum but at the same time i was a good thing (i feel bad saying that ) but she wasnt in pain anymore that the way i seen it, i didnt have to watch my mum in pain, or losing her hair. or watch how tired she would get after chemo. but still losing my mum was hard, it broke me.

 

my dad and i became a team it was just us so we made things work, i went back to college/work and my dad went back to work, things slowly started getting better, when mum first anninvsary had was coming the feeling changed we both didnt know what to say or do, we hadnt done her ashes, a whole year had passed and she was still gone she wasnt coming back. you could tell that my dad still missed her loads.

 

but then i fell pregnant april 2013, my boyfriend and i were over the moon, we had been going since 2011 and my dad was over the moon, i think i gave him something to look forward to, his first grandchild. we told him after my first scan when we knew everything was fine. it was just before i was meant to go on holiday in august with my  dad , we were finiding out the if the baby was boy or girl, that my boyfriend and i found out that my little baby had died at 17 weeks and i never knew. my heart was broken. my dad and boyfriend were broken. my little baby was the best new we had, then it was gone. as if it was over before it started (if that make sense). a holiday was best thing ever. i need away from everything.

 

i focus on my college work and focus on getting better for the sake of my dad, even though i was mess inside someone had to be strong. my boyfriend and i had fought so much after losing our little baby that we both agreed it was best to remain just friend. i need to sort myself, drink became my best friend, it had taken any heartbroken away.

 

christmas came and it was good just like any normal christmas, i had my mum family around me , my dad was working. i spent christmas and new year with my family away from everything else. mum birthday is new year eve so it was hard after she died but i always kept myself busy.

 

2 January 2014, the day history was going to repeat itself, i rememeber getting the phone call that my dad had been taken into hospital, he was seriously unwell had been for months but wouldnt go to the doctors about. when i had got the hosptial he was getting taken for scans, bloods were getting done to find out what was wrong. i rememeber having to wait a whole day to find out what wrong with him..

 

friday 3rd january 2014, i rememeber when my dad told me it was cancer, i cried an cried. HISTORY REPEATING IT SELF that what i thought, expect it wasnt. i didn't have a year and half to preapre myself because dad got worse over 5 days, sadly on the 8th january 2014 he died. 5 WHOLE DAYS he got worse so quickly then he was just gone.

 

so basically im an 19 year old girl, lost both my parents, lost a child and is wondering if it okay to fall apart? i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i never felt so lost in my life.

 

 

[morelans]

lostgirl2014.....     I recently found this site after my father passed six weeks ago.

 

I am still sort of in shock and was hoping this site would help.  So far I can only see how blessed we were with the way my father passed and actually that is helping some.  I really had no idea how bad off others had it until I started reading these forums.  Sure I hear about it but like others if it was not your loss it is hard to understand what is going on.   I can not even begin to imagine how you feel after all you have lost.

 

I am looking for help myself but I do know from the forums I have been reading and the books I have picked up on the subject that  Falling apart is part of the process. 

 

I wish there were some magic words to help you feel better but I can not find any at the moment and frankly I could use them myself. 

 

There are others here who have been in similar situations and from reading this forum they reply quite often with great advice.. again not a magic verse but just compassion and understanding of what you are going through.

 

I also noticed the past few days we have had I think three people in your age range post.   I could be way off but I would think it would be good to talk to others in your age group who have experienced a loss as well.  If nothing else for an email buddy or to call and chat on the phone when things feel like they are at their worst.  I am currently searching for something like this for my mom an email buddy or someone to talk to on the phone... however she is 66.  

 

All this to say please keep looking for help.. you are not alone.  

 

Thanks

Shawn

 

 

[Blackrock]

So sorry for your loss. Why things happened so unfairly? The world is crazy and cruel but you need to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and plan a better future. Especially since your parents are no longer here to provide support and guidance. I've experienced this pain- losing two children bc of miscarriages. In addition, Within a year I've also lost three family members- two close grand parents and my dad. I missed them everyday and often cried when I think about them.

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[missingmymama]

Its normal to fall apart, I am so sorry. I lost my mother about 4 and a half months ago and even though my dad is still alive (I think, I am not sure) I havent talked to him in years so I kind of know what its like to be "orphaned" but I am like 10 years older than you.

 

So i don't know exactly how you feel, but I am thinking of you. Its a big scary world out there without our parents, its so not fair to us or to them that we do not get to share the many years we were supposed to have with them.

 

So many emotions: anger, fear, sorrow, guilt, you name it. You sound like a survivor to me, though and I do believe that your parents gave the best love they could to you and the only way to honor them is to live a good life. I know that's what my mother wants me to do and so I carry on, even though I don't want to, and even though its so life shattering to be without them, we grit our teeth and carry on. The only thing we can do is to keep breathing some days.