Lost myself with my husband

[backyarder1]

I know many of you feel this same way. I just wonder if there is a way for us to help each other figure it out.

 

Eight months after my husband passed away, I'm still in the pits. And I think I figured out the CAUSE of my feelings but haven't really figured out the way out yet. I think my biggest problem right now is not that I lost TOM. My biggest problem is that when I lost Tom, I also lost ME…..my identity.

 

I have never had a very strong sense of personal identity. I guess because I've just always been sort of quiet and insecure.

 

I never had any kids, so I can't define myself as "mother". I no longer have parents, so I can't define myself as "daughter". And I don't have a job or a career to help define me. I can define myself as sister or friend, but those people don't seem to "need" me, if that makes sense.

 

When I was with Tom, I sometimes felt lost, but I could always fall back on defining myself as "Tom's wife". He was the fun one. The exciting one. The successful one. I made him happy. I helped take care of him and his career. I was good at those things.

 

Now, I don't know who I am. And I don't know how to figure it out. When he first died, I just kept telling myself "I am still Tom's wife". But as more and more people seem to forget about Tom....and as his friends and family seem to forget about me.....saying that I am "Tom's wife" doesn't seem to work for me anymore.

 

But the weird (and sad) thing is, that I can't figure out who I AM. I can't even think of things that I like to do so that I can help define myself. People say I should get a job or volunteer someplace, but how can I choose someplace to work or volunteer if I don't even know what I like to do?

 

I am going to try to find a good counselor or a good therapist that can help me with this. But for now, I just feel lost.

[HeyJude]

Betsy - I think a therapist is a good idea.  I feel totally lost too but I do have my job which helps a lot.  I may seek out a therapist too because I swear, my heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces.  Saturday will have been our 34th wedding anniversary and this year it is just killing me.  I am crying all the time, the tears just well up out of no where.

 

I think both of us are just a little bit stubborn in that we are trying to hang on to something that isn't here anymore.  I miss Jerry more than I ever thought I could miss another person.  I didn't ask for this, I don't want this.  I just want Jerry and my old life back.  I feel too old to start a "new normal".  Hell, I don't even want to!!  What are we going to do???

[backyarder1]

Hey Judy. I FINALLY agreed to let my doctor prescribe some anti-depressants yesterday. I have been trying to avoid that but maybe I just need them for awhile, to take the edge off. AND, I do need to find either a job or a volunteer activity. I know that will help a lot.

[HeyJude]

Good!!  I all ready take two anti-depressants, Zoloft and Wellbutrin.  I think I need Xanax, seriously.  I am so stressed out.  I think anxiety is my issue.  Let me know if the anti-d's work.  You have to give them some time though, some can take up to 2 weeks to make a difference.

[Dr. Pat]

Hello!

I am so sorry for your loss, not only of your beloved spouse, but of who YOU are too. I know what you're talking about - after my first husband died I felt as if the very center core of my being was torn out of me, leaving me just an empty shell. This grieving and healing business is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do.  Know that you’ve taken an important step just now in reaching out for help. I too have lost a husband, not only once, but twice. Because of these two losses, 20 years apart, I have learned some valuable things about the journey of grief.

 

Please help yourself to some materials that I think would help you navigate this swamp of grief right now. There is a free webinar you can listen to that will help. In order to access it you need to put in your email address, but I will not contact you unless you contact me first. I know how important privacy is at this point in your life. There is a bit of a sales pitch at the end but disregard this.

 

The site is ThrivingDespiteGrief.com. I talk about 7 ideas for healing from grief: Don't Do This Alone,  Just Do Today, Pamper Yourself, Write, Practice Appreciation and Gratitude, Know the Stages of Grief, Know You Will Get Better.   I would also look forward to talking with you about how best I can help. There is no charge for this. A blog is a wonderful first step, but to be able to talk with someone who has done this can be so valuable. I am a Ph.D., licensed mental health counselor.  I look forward to talking with and meeting you!

 

Bless You!

 

Pat