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.never.forget.

sister/bestfriend gone forever

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I dont even know what to say. I mean, the 21st of this month itll be five years since my sister passed. And a few months ago my ex overdosed. Im so lost. Im on meds, ive been in the hospital, and im in therapy but im still..not getting what I need. I mean, not that I even know what I need. Idk.

I have ptsd, and am constantly seeing my sisters face, blood coming out of her nose, mouth and ears. I'm constantly having nightmares of it. I remember crawling out the back window and jumping to the passengers seat, and I immediately grabed her hand. Me trying to pull her free. I just, I'm tired of seeing it all the time. It makes it hard to remember her the way she was, bubbly, LOUD, caring, hot headed and the best friend/sister I could have asked for.

Now, my eldest sister said I was DEAD to her. My little brother said to **** OFF. And my mom is constantly talking about her. I'm tired of everything reminding me of it. I was there, I know.

I feel like smashing my head against a wall to get rid of all the horrible memories and thoughts inside there... end it all. I have nothing left, why not.

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Hi never.forget,

 

I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible, terrible time for so long.  You say that you're in therapy but can you expand on that?  What is the therapy for and is it with a counsellor or a psychiatrist?  It would be very, very logical to me that you have p.t.s.d. associated with your sister's accident and if you're not getting therapy specifically for trauma, then it's natural if you are not getting what you need.

 

There are many people on this forum who have suffered the same traumatic memory over and over again and that gets in the way of natural grief progressing - which is terrible anyway - but it sounds like you have had the actual physical trauma to reinforce the grief trauma.

 

If you are getting therapy specifically for p.t.s.d. and it isn't working then I commend you for continuing to search for answers.  I would also recommend that you take a moment and let yourself feel proud of yourself for knowing that you want to be better.  I would suggest that you feel such turmoil right now partly because there is a piece of you that KNOWS that it can be better, you just haven't found the right tools - and I want you to know that everyone who continues to search for those tools are amazing people, so brave in the face of such torture.  Yes, I mean you.

 

I believe you can find it.  I am very glad you haven't stopped searching.  If you think of your sister that you lost, would you agree that she wouldn't want you to stop searching?

 

If you are getting therapy, express to your therapist your level of anguish and that it's not working and everything you've stated here.

 

The other thing I thought is to find a hypnotherapist in your area.  I have had hypnotherapy for 2 severe phobias and my experience with them - when they're good - is that they help us bypass our conscious mind and allow the subconscious mind to TELL US WHAT WE NEED to heal from our condition.  If you choose to look for one of these people, make sure you ask them how they work: whether or not they allow the subconscious to speak or whether or not they just practice re-programming (i.e. just giving suggestion).  You want the one that allows for full disclosure from the subconscious and no leading from the therapist.

 

I am not advocating a hypnotherapy as a miracle cure but as a way to have your locked up subconscious tell you what you need and if you approach them and state that, a session with one may be able to help you and give you something really concrete to work on in regular therapy.

 

The most important thing is to know that being in a confused, crazed state from grief and trauma is so very, very natural and I know it's terrible and painful and awful and it sounds like you've been struggling for a long time.  But please don't give up.  Take this one step at a time, the first is to be ok with the fact of where you are.  The second is to believe that someday, someway, if you keep searching, you will find the tools that will help you to find relief from the trauma.  They do exist, I promise you.  The next is to try, as much as possible, to not burden yourself with the overwhelming amount of problems that can't be fixed all in one moment.  You may be able to fix your relationships with your family but just let that go for a while.  Yes, it's sad and hurtful but right this moment you can't do anything about it.  Put it to the side and keep searching for you.

 

Please try.  Be explicit with your therapist, ask everyone you know for other methods.  Don't give up.  Come back and tell us how it's going.

 

<3

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