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penandpaper

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penandpaper

my ex boyfriend died last night and i have no clue how to cope with this...i am a sleepless mess..its not the first death ive experienced but this one is truly tearing me the **** apart.

 

when i was 19 years old i married a 29 year old heroin addict (i didnt know about the drugs until after we were already married and i was pregnant), he was mentally and physically abusive but i thought i could change him so i stuck with it for four years (resulting in 2 beautiful children with him). eventually i realized the effect his instability and addiction was having on the kids so i left him. a month later i went back to check up on him (kids were at his parents house)..and he was skin and bones and drunk..so i made him some food and laid on our bedroom floor with him and held him until he had slept for a few hours (he sold my bed)...when i went to leave he told me if i didnt come back by 7pm i'd never talk to him again. sure enough not long after that i get a call from a funeral home and here hes passed away of an overdose..alone..on the same bedroom floor, they found him four days after his death. the guilt i felt and still feel is unreal...

 

fast forward a year..i rent a house with this really nice,intelligent friend of mine and we eventually begin a relationship,which lasted two and a half years. i loved him sooo much..but in the end i wanted to progress in life and he was set in his ways to work the same crappy job,drink every day and be reclusive. so i asked him to move out,we were still friendly and asked about each others lives and sincerely tried to be friends. My dad and he really continued their new found friendship as well...i found out that he died last night. and again all i can think about is he died alone...we hadnt spoken for awhile. i feel sick and overwhelmed.

 

i cant understand what kind of messed up cosmic joke this is?? 

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Sammijo2424

I am so sorry for your loss. You have definitely come to the right place. Sound like you have been thru some very traumatic times. No matter the circumstances loss is very hard, everyone here definitely knows that. The guilt you feel is normal, but he made the choice to take the drugs, you did not. I still feel guilty over my husband's death and has been 1 1/2 years, and his death was from acute illness, not his choice. I feel guilty over every single thing I did thru our 22 year marriage.

Posting here, getting my pain into words really helped me, also just reading other's posts, I knew I was not alone, I found people who could really, REALLY understand what I am going thru.

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mydeepestthoughts

Dear Penandpaper

I just wanted to respond to you posting. . It reminded me of many decisions I have made in the past that I regret, and it shows a beautiful spirit on your part to grieve, and wonder about choices you have made, and how they have affected others. What I have come to see is that as we progress in life we come to realize that people have choices, and that we can guide them to the right decision but we can never force them to follow them, and that there are consequences for every choice that we each make. Even then, what we may consider to be the right choice may be wrong. People are molded by their environment, and then as they grow up,by the choices they make, and by the association that they keep.

The Bible agrees with this at 1 Cor 15:33 where it reads "Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits."

So the question arise "where can we go to get guidance for future choices, and decisions we may face"? Can we find the right answers, on talk shows, the Internet, or just in our gut feelings?

The Bible answers that question for us. . Please read 2 Tim 3:16 "All scriptures is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness"

If you would like to learn more about how the Bible can help you make better choices, and decisions in life click on the link below

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/view-bible-tract/how-do-you-view-the-bible/

May you find peace, and comfort. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, or concerns. Fastfward@optonline.net

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