Mom is gone, feel so alone and helpless

[dsean]

Hi all. I lost my Mom on June 23. She was only 63 showed no signs of bad health but died of what doctors think was a heart attack. My Dad is taking it as well as can be expected I suppose. My sister doing ok too I think. For me, I am the oldest sibling, I have two young kids that just lost their grandma out of no where. I am always the coolest calm collected one that takes everything so well. On the outside I appear to be, but honestly I just feel so sick to my stomach and break down flat out slobbering and bawling at least once a day since this happened. I was holding it together so well until we were at the funeral and my 3 year old saw her in the coffin. After we explained that was grandma's body and that she was up in heaven with God and he wouldn't talk to her again, he broke down in the most gut wrenching cry I have ever heard that just broke my heart and still bothers me when I think about it now. Every night when I go to bed I just lay here and cry quietly as possible to not wake the kids or wife who are all sleeping in the same room with me since this happened until I can't hold it in anymore and have to go sit in the garage and just bawl like a freaking child until I can suck it up enough to come back in here. As I said, both kids are sleeping in our room. Two nights ago, our 3 year old woke up, walked up to my wife and said "Grandma wishes she could see us all one more time". That just broke my heart. I know both kids, my Dad, my sister and me are all hurting so bad. I just want this pain to stop. I think the only reason I have not taken the 40 out of the gun locker and shoved it in my mouth is because, well, if there is a heaven I won't get in if I do that and it would destroy my kids. So that's not an option I have seriously considered, but it just scared me that the thought even came into my head the other day. Again, read, NOT suicidal, don't worry about that. Just a passing thought I had never had before all of this. Sometimes I will be fine and watching tv or playing with the kids and laughing, then I go right to tears and that knot in my stomach again. When does this all end and what can I do to help cope. Also a strange question and a snippet into my sense of humor, I had this thought "Is my Mom watching me poop?" and "Next time I want to have sex or masturbate, can she see me?". I just am so sad, confused, depressed and worried about my kids and Dad, I don't know what to do. Open to any feedback from anyone that has gone through this. Thanks in advance.

[Heartlight]

Hi dsean,

 

I'm so sorry about your Mom and the terrible pain you're finding yourself in.  I know it's hard.  Each one of us that comes here has found this place because we've experienced the terrible, ripping, fracturing, insanity, <insert any other soul wrenching word> that is loss of someone we love.

 

The least I can do is tell you that I've had some of the same thoughts.  I don't have a belief system that keeps me here on this earth but the pain is tortuous and I experienced not understanding why we even need to be here.  That's what I called it.  My search for meaning in this life was based on the fact that I didn't understand why we shouldn't just cut out and run.  But, like you, I never seriously considered completing suicide because once I experienced this pain, it is beyond me to ever, intentionally, make another human being feel the loss of me.  So finally, after my second loss, I started a desperate search for meaning, instead.

 

I've also thought about the "if they're spirit, are they watching" conundrum.  Even though I completely lost my faith when my sister died, I didn't lose my ability to reason so my reasoning on that one was: doesn't matter the school of thought, there is a thread of similarity - if they are some form of spirit watching over us, they are not experiencing existence as we know it.  Instead, there is no judgement, there is only pure love and desire for our soul expression.  There is no 'human' filter that they would be seeing us through.  I realized that if those thoughts were ever making me constipated, so to speak , I had to stop thinking of them in my human relational way and give an after-life a bit more credit; because if there is one then, yes, it does have a little more compassion and understanding for us than we give to ourselves and they're not going to care what I'm doing.

 

It is so new for you that I'm afraid the only help is to just not judge yourself for the times you're experiencing that pain.  If you allow yourself to have it, and you allow yourself to have the times when you're fine, you will learn to find a balance within the pain.  It is a phenomenal thing, as you have described, to be fine one moment and then to have your being crushed in an instant again, without warning sometimes.  It is like not only do we have to experience this loss but we have to experience the horrific impact of it again and again until we finally learn to incorporate the loss into our being... as if our psyche doles out the impact of it in bits and pieces, each being only as much as we can take, which is horrendous as it stands, because we would explode if we were fed it all in one moment.  The only way that I know of to help is to be soft with yourself during those times.

 

I also know it's difficult to maintain for your family's sake... on the first Christmas after my sister died, I went home to my family and I felt too uncomfortable to grieve in front of them.  I ended up bursting into tears each and every moment I was alone, in the bathroom, or outside to smoke, within less than 3 seconds of being alone, I broke down.  This was three months after my sister died and it's only been less than two weeks for you.

 

I know it's not sounding too hopeful because if you read around here you'll hear others, myself included, talk about the pain we feel even years later.  The loss will always be there so we will forever have the totality of our feelings for that person available to experience in any given moment.  But the harsh, insane feeling from the very beginning does morph, as we find a way to accept it and love ourselves (not judge) through it.  We still have access to the pain, and it can come sneaking back as we least expect it, just like now, but we start to have access to our love for them again, without the pain.

 

If you can, I would suggest talking to your wife.  Another thing that I have learned is that if we have a witness to our grief, someone who is just for us, who will allow us to be the pain that we feel and will, at every turn, validate our feelings and our relationship that we lost, it is also made a tiny bit easier for ourselves.  It is a scary thing, to trust someone with that vulnerability, and many times we have to teach them what we need, but if we're successful, we do feel supported.

 

Of course, my mom was suffering terribly at our losses too and, in the begining, I felt like if I talked about my grief, it would be a burden to her.  But now, after so many years and so much learning about this terrible part of life, I am able to express my sadness to her and she to me and we talk about the grief journey and what we've both learned.  It is not much but when you feel you have nothing, it truly is everything.  You may find that gently allowing yourself to express your grief with your dad or sisters or children, you may all feel supported together.

 

For now, dsean, I can tell you that you are not alone in your feelings of pain, sadness, confusion, depression, worry and anything else you feel or think.  It is a tortuous time and I would think it is very, very rare for someone not to question their own being on this earth for even a tiny while, whether seriously or not.  So please, please be gentle with yourself, give yourself a break, for all that you feel... and for how it expresses out of you.  It is the best coping method I have found.

 

<3

[lonesomemike]

let me start with me telling you I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I know the pain you are going through in seven months time I lost my father a grandson and my wife. I blamed myself for my wifes death. You need to check in your area for a grief counselor most hospitals have them or find a minister and talk to him. If you need somebody to talk to I am here. I will be praying for you and your family. you said your mother was 63 when she died my wife was only 56 but she had been sick for a long time. God bless you and your family. Remember one thing your mother would not want you to grieve yourself to death.

[Audie215]

Im so sorry for your loss. It certainly doesn't get easier. My mom passed in April and I still have moments when I just break down. At least once a day. I would definitely look into seeing a grief therapist. It's helped me to talk about how I'm feeling.