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Tristenshore914

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Tristenshore914

As I type these words, I am drunk. It seems to be the only way besides downers that help me forget for even one day I am a widow and divorcee at 27. This wasn't supposed to be my life. That's all I keep telling myself for that past two years since he passed. There is no where to start. My grief story started like a fairy tale. I met my partner in 7th grade in passing. Cliche I know, he was the famous jock, I was the nerd depressed from my parents constantly beating me. He never knew me. I was just the girl who rode the bus who sat right behind the driver, wanting so badly to be ignored. Fast forward to 18. I finally saw him again. We spent the whole night talking. He has his addiction troubles. I had mine. I was in love. We had over four turmoulous years a beautiful daughter. He died from his adicition before her 1st birthday. I am lost. I don't know what has happened to my life or what I did wrong in this life to let some "god" punish me  and my daughter. she is 3 now asking about him all the time. All I can say is he loves you frrom heaven (doesn't matter what I believe in heaven or not) and cry she is alone. I am so depressed, i constantly want to end my life but I don't because of my sweet daughter. But now all that holds me together is pills and alcohol. I either want to die or just for fucking once, be happy. My dad left before I was 9 for raping women and disclosing he wanted to rape me. My co-worker lured me to his apartment saying my ex wanted me back only to drug me and rape me. I had someone I thought loved me but he couldn't deal with raising a dead guys kid and me in a nervous breakdown. Now its been almost two years. When does this stop? Please someone help me

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MissingDaniel

I don't know that I have any great words of wisdom for you, but I want to tell you that I am sorry for all of the pain you have obviously had in your life.  It sounds like you have had a particularly hard time, even before losing the man you loved.  It also sounds like you have a lot of things to deal with now.  Most importantly, you have a precious gift in your daughter.  She needs you, and you need her.  You need to try to help yourself so that you can be there for her.  I understand the temptation to find comfort in a bottle - I will admit that I turned to that comfort myself in the early days after I lost my husband.  But in the long run, the pills and the alcohol that might provide some numbness for a while will wear off, and then you usually feel worse.

 

I'm sure many people have reminded you how young you are and that you have your whole life ahead of you.  You may be tired of hearing it - but it's true.  You may never truly get over losing him, but it can get better.  You can learn to move forward.  Please try to find some help, maybe some counseling.  It seems like there are many things that you have suffered even before this loss that you need to work through and come to terms with.  A counselor could probably help you find better coping mechanisms.  Take care of yourself, for that precious little girl and also for YOU.  Believe that you are worth it!  And reach out here whenever you need to.  There are good people here, and we are all hurting in our owns ways, and want to be here for each other.  I hope you can find your way through this and find some happiness.  Hugs to you!

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Heartlight

Hello Tristenshore,

 

(and warm wishes to you, MD)

 

I am so sorry for all that you have been through.  I have not experienced the loss of a partner so I cannot imagine what you are going through, especially with the other trauma you've experienced.  In my lifetime, I have had four drug addicted sisters - zero functioning - so I have learned much about alcohol, drugs and my own experiences with grief has made me learn about that as well.

 

As I read your message, I was thinking that it would be very understandable for your emotions and feelings to not be naturally finding balance and movement forward to more healthy feeling/thought patterns because you have included some escape from them over the last few years.  I understand this and I don't say this in a judgemental way, just in a physiological/emotional way... it is very difficult to have movement from any depressed state, including the terrible pain of loss, when we don't allow ourselves healthy access to it.

 

In other words, physiologically using alochol or drugs on a regular basis can stunt the regular processing of our emotions.

 

Being in grief is extremely hard work and I know just for my own grief how awful, terrible, soul-ripping it is.  As I read your message, I thought that maybe you could help yourself by getting some support from the chemicals and then slowly allowing yourself to move through all the terrible pain you must be in for this loss and all the trauma you've experienced.  I can imagine it would be extremely scary, to not allow yourself to have the thing that is the only thing that helps, but maybe you're starting to realize that it only helps for a moment.  Maybe getting rid of them will start you on the path to helping yourself for a longer time.

 

You have a long road that may be bumpy and will be painful, but you can be happy and not in pain and not confused about your life... so long as you don't give up.  Seek out the support you need in your area, and keep trying until one works for you.

 

I wish you great peace and determination in your journey.

 

<3

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