Loss of Father 1 month ago - mom in shambles

[morelans]

I just found this site last week and I have been reading a lot of the posts.  This is not a group anyone wants to belong to but I am really glad it exists for an outlet to release anger frustration and to know you are not alone in the way we all feel.  

 

My dad passed away May 31st 2014  My parents were married for 48 years and mom is at a total loss, as am I.

 

I do not want to push her but I have been trying to get mom here to read some posts and see that what she is feeling is not abnormal and she is in fact not going crazy.

 

 She has the same fears I have read over and over here..  how to live alone, how to shop for one, how to cook for one and then of course how to live a productive and happy life after this happens when she has no desire to go on. I try my hardest but I can not find the words except those that no widow wants to hear.. give it time and he is in a better place.  Valid points that really donot help my mom at all.  I am desperate for knowledge to help her feel whole again.. or an outlet for her to help herself.

 

Currently my mom is in shock as we all are.  He was 74 and had been diagnosed with COPD a year earlier and things just progressively got worse for him as his lungs were not able to supply his body with the oxygen he needed. 

 

The good part is - the entire family was there by his side and we got to say our goodbyes.   This was hard but it really means a lot to us that he was not alone in his fight.

 

The bad part is ..   I feel lost and confused but I am more concerned for my mom.  I think she would really benefit from this site.

 

Do any of you email directly to people on here or call others from here on the phone to just chat or do you all just post here and wait for a reply?   I think my mom may need a call or something if I can not get her here on her own.  Just to speak to someone in the same situation maybe the help she needs.. to be honest I have no clue.  I just feel helpless and I want to get her some help so she can live her life in peace.

 

Thanks

Shawn 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

Hello,

I'm just wondering, having read your post, would your mom be willing to talk with a counsellor or call a grief support group. I know in my city, their is a grief support group where you can talk with other people who have had a similar loss. She may not be ready now... It takes some time to move through the early stages of grief, but she may want this at some time.

Speaking from personal experience, it is very difficult to watch a parent suffer after the death of a spouse. It is a helpless feeling. You want desperately to ease their pain, but ultimately... There is not much you can do. I will tell you what the counsellor told me... It is her journey. Your journey is your own, as her journey is her own. And, they do suffer... With the practical aspects of cooking and traveling alone to the feels associated with the loss of companionship. And it may not get easier... My grandfather became suicidal after the loss of his wife. My dad, in an effort not to do what his father did, jumped right into another relationship to avoid those feelings and life became even more complicated. I often think, it really affects our ability to grieve a parent... When you are so concerned about the surviving parent. All I can say is... Just be there. Be with her as best you can. Your presence will be the best support you can give while she finds her way again. It will take a long, long time... And it is not easy. But, you can love each other and be kind to each other... That's really all you can do.

Best of luck.

[morelans]

Thanks for the reply.  I am doing my best to be there for her but I live 15 hours away.  I call 4 or 5 times a day and email her too.  I have been there for two weeks the past month trying my best but there is nothing I can do that really helps and I realize it will happen in her own time frame.. not mine.

 

I have her on these forums and others and she reads them but has yet to post.  We also have a counselor coming by to talk to her as well.  I just hate seeing her like this and I was hoping that maybe someone who is or has been in this situation liked to talk on the phone so maybe between the two of them they could help each other.  As you can see I am pretty lost and grasping for straws here.

 

Thanks

Shawn

[dayzed and confused]

Dear Shawn,

 

It is so very kind of you to look for help for your mom on here.  It sounds like you are doing a LOT to help her and support her through her grief.  I am not really comfortable reaching out to your mom, via phone but I do hope the counselor can help her.  

 

You are a good son and I am very sorry for the loss of your father.  He clearly meant the world to you and I understand your wanting to make sure your mom is okay. 

 

Even your mom reading the posts should help her understand that she is not alone in this horrible place of grief.  

 

I will keep you both in my prayers.

 

Tina

[morelans]

Dazed and Confused aka Tina..  thanks for the reply.  I am honestly not even sure my mom is ready to discuss this on the phone either but I am trying anything I can. 

 

I see your angel date is 4 days after ours.   I am very sorry for your loss and I am glad you found this site as it has helped me some and I hope it helps you as well.  I assume we all feel like it was just yesterday even though it has been a few weeks.  One minute I forget he has passed and want to tell him something only to have to remind myself he is gone.  It amazes me how many times during the day I have to remind myself of this even though I was there for the entire process.  I can not even begin to imagine what my mom is feeling.

 

Yesterday mom said she tried to clean the fridge and freezer only to pull my dads favorites out of the trash and place them neatly back in the fridge and freezer.  She is attempting to get things completed.. it is just a very slow and hurtful process.  Getting his life insurance check, changing names on the house to only her etc. is starting to sink in that this is real for us both.

 

Thanks again

Shawn

[Heartlight]

Hi Shawn,

 

(and warm wishes BaileyB and Tina)

 

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and your concern for your mom

 

When my dad died, me and my other sisters rallied around our mom.  It's really hard not too.  It's terrible feeling grief and seeing someone go through it.  My mom isn't the same person anymore.  For the first two years (it's been two and a half), she sunk lower and lower and we all thought she was going to follow him but nothing anyone did or said made any difference.  It was a struggle to get her to eat and even to speak sometimes but she had enough facilities to threaten each one of us to take her affections away if we did anything drastic, like bring in outside help.  It was a crazy time and it finally ended when my sister snuck a note to her doctor and he put her in the hospital.

 

As you might imagine, those two years were crazy for us... grieving children, watching our mom suffer.

 

It was exactly two years after my father died that my mother rejoined the land of the living.  She didn't go out or visit people or do anything special but she started eating and speaking again.  She didn't leave her house for two years but has recovered enough that just the other day came out to visit me for three weeks.

 

She's still not the same person and I'm seeing through her another example of how a person really does just have to find a way to live in this new world again.

 

When my mother started being active again, I suffered insane grief for my dad all over again.  It was just as if it was the first day.  I learned from that, that sometimes people cut themselves off from part of their grieving because they are more concern about someone else.  I tell you this so that in the event you have a renewed sense of your own grief sometime in the future, you understand that it's normal.

 

It's a very, very difficult place for you to be in, having such care for your mom and not being able to do anything for her.  I know.  What I hope you learn from these forums is that everyone has their own time and their own way and there's really nothing we can do but be a safe place for them to have that time/way.  The way that I feel it/understand it, very clearly, is that being an unjudgemental witness to someone else's grief is the most healing thing we can do for them.

 

I know you don't want her to suffer.  I know that part of you suffers for that suffering.  My only suggestion is to really, really allow her to be her own suffering.  It is a very painful thing we have to do - to stand by and watch someone suffer.  But we can't change it.  At all.  And if we can find the strength and soft compassion to just allow them to have it, in whatever form it takes, then they feel ok to be who they are and to be feeling what they're feeling.

 

Which they're going to feel anyway, and there's nothing we can do about it.

 

If my mom had told me about putting my dad's food back, I would have told her that was sweet and made a soft joke to make her feel like it was ok, like maybe she should put a tiny plot of grass back there so it'll turn into a nice little 'garden' eventually

 

It's definitely scary though.  We thought our mom was months away from dying and we were all crazed.  But there's nothing we can do.  And she really did need hospitalization.  So two years from now, if your mother is not eating, then I'd say something is wrong.  But right now... grief is the accepted insanity.  You both just have to slowly, gently, pick your way through life and learn what this new world is all about.  And suffer.  And the only help for suffering, that I have found, is to allow the depth of the suffering to exist.  The way out is the way through, so to speak.

 

But come back, write for you or for her, ask her if she wants you to ask any questions of people, involve her in what you're learning or what you're sharing with people, be open with her about your own grief and let her be open about hers, no matter what it is, and you will both survive this together.

 

<3

[cindyjane]

Hi Shawn

 

Sorry about the loss of your dad and also that your mom is going through such a difficult time.  We all do, that's for sure.  I lost my mom 9 months ago and my dad lives with me so I see first hand that as much as I miss my dear mom ... my dad misses her more.  I am grateful to be in a situation that my dad has been living here with me but it's hard to see him loose his zest for life.  A couple of weeks ago he went into heart failure and has been in the hospital ever since.  He told me that he would be a happy man if the were to go and be with my mom.  I told him that he is still here for a reason and he may not know the reason right now but one day it may be revealed to him.  I let him know that I am still grieving the loss of my mom and that I really need him to come back home.  Then I reminded him what a fighter my mom was in her last 6 weeks of life.  Over these past few days he has been eating and drinking enough to be off of the IV and is even getting off the bed and taking short walks.  He did tell me the other day that he's been so broken hearted himself over my mom leaving us that he forgot that I was also grieving and that we can get through this as a family.  At this point he is really trying to get better and get back home and I believe that it helped to let him know how I was feeling and remind him of how my mom fought a good fight in the weeks prior to her passing.  I hope this helps....your mom's pain right now is a testament to how much she loved your dad.  I will keep you both in my prayers.

 

take care

Cindy

 

 

 

[Ruby]

Shawn:

 

Thanks for sharing. 

 

My dad died of cancer 6 1/2 years ago.  I learned a few things about the grief process through that experience and a few others. 

 

1. Every grieves differently

2. No one's grief is more important than another's.  Everyone's grief matters. 

3. Losing a dad is not the same as losing a husband.  Even through my mom and I lost the same man, we lost different relationships. 

4. Most people need hugs and understanding more than they need answers and recovery methods.  

5. People who have lost someone want to talk about the person they lost.   It keeps the memory alive.  

 

My mom and I still talk about dad.  It has been helpful for the healing process.  She listens when I talk and I listen when she talks.  We both need to talk about Dad.  As I mentioned in #3... I lost a dad, Mom lost a husband.  Same man.. different relationship and different pain for each one of us.  

 

I really believe that God placed people in my life that understood my pain of losing a dad.  Mom found a kinship with women that were also widowed.  Those relationships helped us to heal.  Now we have found a kinship with others who have lost a husband or lost a dad.  We are able to hug with compassion and understanding.  More times than not, that is what is needed. 

 

Mom and I never did seek grief counselling, but found a healing in being able to talk openly and honestly with each other about how we were/are feeling.  We would go together to the grave and that also was a bond.  

 

Again, thank you for posting.  

 

Ruby