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I feel lost


Ml123

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Hey everyone,

I lost my father very suddenly to a heart attack several days before my 18th birthday. Ever since, Ive felt like time has stood still. To say this death was a shock is an understatement. He was the healthiest guy I knew, he didn't drink or smoke, and he ran everyday.

I can't put into words the type of relationship I had with my father. He was everything to me: a father, brother, best friend, mentor, and guide. I wanted to do everything like him and everyone would tell me I was his little clone. We would always be together, I'd blow off my friends at times because there was nothing better than hanging out with my dad.

When he passed I was too much in shock to really process it. Being an only child in a small family, I had a tough time interacting with my mother following dads death. We would fight a lot, I couldn't stand to see her cry; it was too painful. I did everything I could to fight the reality of the situation. I began binge drinking and developed a heavy dependence on marijuana. This only led to severe depression . I felt unable to get through most days. My friends would laugh at my sleeping all day and call me lazy , but my depression was absolutely destroying my life.

I'm now 21 years old, and I feel like nothing's gotten any easier. I can't go to bed at night, and when I do I dream of my father. He actually dies in some of my dreams, which makes me wake up even more depressed . As I start the next chapter of my life (law school) I'm at a time where I've never felt less confident in myself. My dad always bragged about how smart I was and how proud he was of my accomplishments, but without him I feel like I'm unable to do anything.

I love and miss my father so much; more and more everyday. And even though it's been 3 and a half years, his death bothers me today more than it ever has. I feel lost in the world, with no confidence or self esteem; not having my father around has killed my motivation and will to be successful . When he was alive, I could accomplish anything; but now I feel empty.

The reason I write this today is because I'm sure someone else can relate to the way I feel. I'm desperately seeking help to get my life back on track. I'm currently in therapy, which helps to a small extent, but I think what would really help me would be to talk to people in a similar situation. Thank you for reading this, and any responses would be much appreciated.

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Hello,

I've been thinking about your post this morning, your feelings of loss and difficulties coping have really stayed with me. My story is different than yours... Not a sudden loss and I'm a little older than you and a little further along in life, but the feeling of loosing the single most important person in your life - my champion, my best friend, the person who I loved most in this world is the same. It's hard. I wish I had words of wisdom for you that would somehow ease the pain you are feeling, but I don't. I miss my mom everyday, sometimes so much that I ache for her in a way that I don't think I can bear. But, somehow I do. And you can too.

I'm very glad to hear that you are seeking support through counselling and talking with others who are grieving. As you have learned, drinking and drugs - although understandable responses when struggling with such difficult issues as grief and depression - are not the best ways to cope with life's challenges and the loss of a loved one. You are strong to recognize that and take steps to make healthier decisions.

I can tell you from experience, having come through the worst of my grief in the first years after my loss, that grief and depression cloud your view of the world. It clouds your view of your place in the world, the future, and your ability to cope with life. When you are able to work through your grief and the intensity of those feelings and the depression starts to lift, things will look a little better. For now, care for yourself, take it one day at a a time, and know that feelings pass... Just let them move through you and hold onto the hope that it will be better. Because, it will be better, with time.

Your path through this grief has been long and difficult, and you will never truly "get through it." I can imagine how much you miss your dad and wish he was here, but your dad sounds like a wonderful man and you were very blessed to have him as your dad. Just because he is not here now, doesn't take away from what you shared or what he has given you... Try to hold onto the gratitude for having such a wonderful person guiding you and loving you. What's helped me... I talk often with my mom. I tell her how I'm feeling and I talk with her about my struggles. I try to imagine what she would say and I know for a fact that she would understand my struggle, and want good things for me. I try to make decisions that I think she would be proud of... Knowing that I am human and it is a daily struggle. I try to be kind to myself. But, the one thing I know for sure is that she loves me, and she is with me still, in my heart and in my memory... And I try to hold onto that.

All the best to you.

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Hi Ml,

 

(and warm wishes BaileyB)

 

Like BaileyB, my story is different than yours.  But through the two different losses, I've had different aspects of not knowing how to go on.  When my sister died, suddenly, I had to take myself to a counsellor because I didn't know how to be ok.  I knew that was where I was supposed to eventually get to and I wasn't putting pressure on myself, but my mind, and therefore my emotions, were trapped in the absolute knowing that nothing was ever going to be ok again.  Nothing.

 

And it's true that nothing is the same again. 

 

But the counsellor asked me one simple question: what's the alternative?

 

In that question, the impact of all the potential answers flew through my mind and each of them ended in the knowledge that my sister would desperately want me to be ok.  My sister would never, ever want me to be suffering the tortuous pain I was suffering.

 

So what I did with that is that I allowed for the fact that ok would come.  And a little more than that, I had made her a promise that I would be ok so with this stark statement and conscious realization of what the alterntive was, I realized that it was ok to not be ok for now, but that I would never stop searching until I found a way to truly be ok - and I allowed for the potential of ok to exist, in her honour.

 

A similar thing happened when my dad died.  As you have been feeling, grief if the most tremendous, long-standing suffering a person experiences and my version of "how do I be ok" when my dad was dying was knowing that I needed something even bigger that would help me; because my dad getting sick just a short time after my sister died made me realize how many more people I have the potential of losing in a very, very short time.  I needed something that would make living worth the pain of this terrible grief we have to go through.

 

So I felt deep, deep despair when I lost my sister, for a year and a half before it started to really change, but because of that initial counselling session and my promise, I just held on, and held on, always searching, never giving up, but some times really, really wanting to.

 

I felt great and terrible sadness when my dad died, to this day I feel like a little girl who's lost her daddy, but I have allowed myself to go deep into life, to learn as much as I can, to experience as much as I can, to try and find the balance that this life must have and in that process, I have found out how to be grateful and thankful to our relationships and feel the love again without the suffering.

 

As BaileyB said, and I agree, you don't ever get over the loss of someone, but with patience and a great deal of loving understanding towards yourself, you can recapture the love that you feel without the pain sometimes.

 

When we lose someone so close to us, it is like losing a piece of ourselves.  Like you have shared, you have lost your confidence, your self esteem, there are so many parts of ourselves that we lose access to because we are so intricately tied to the person we lost that a piece of us truly goes with them.

 

But with that slowly moving towards your pain and your loving and expressing and being insanely compassionate towards yourself, we do get to find our shattered pieces again, they're just mixed up in all that love that we have for the person we lost that we don't have access to our parts because it's too painful.

 

Don't be hard on yourself for still being in turmoil right now.  You have a deep relationship and it is natural you will have deep grieving.  But continue with counselling, they can be very helpful to let you see what the pieces are in yourself that need you to love the most.

 

And this is what we forget to do, to love ourselves; because this person who loved all the little bits and piece of us is gone and we don't even know that we are lovable anymore, we don't believe there will ever be a person on this earth who can know us so fully and just 'be' with us and we feel ripped and torn because they were part of us.

 

And most times, there really is no one that will be that again... except us.  We have to do for ourselves now what they once did for us, even if it is just in their name, because we know that they would want that for us.

 

It's such a hard, hard journey.  Don't judge any place that it's taken you.  Just don't give up.

 

<3

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