Is been over a year

[suntrust]

I will make this quick cause its early on my end. Its been a long while since I wrote in this forum and I think I only wrote twice in the beginning a few months after my husband died. I just passed the one year anniversary. 

I feel like all of the sudden my body and my mind decided to catch up to what actually happened. 

I feel a new sense of anger, hurt, confusion, like I have a part of my mind that is not operating on its own without my consent ( I know that sounds wierd).  I could relate to widow's brain.  The other day I went to go visit a friend and I almost walked right into her neighbor's house instead. I feel like I am just starting to wake up out of a year of grief stupor which actually seems more comfortable and easier than this because now I feel like I am starting to feel and think again. 

Does this make sense? 

Is this another stage of grief and reality setting in?

My husband died rather quickly, it was a bit traumatic for me. I have never experienced grief like I did in that first year. 

Anyways, sometimes I don't know what direction to turn in, its like I don't know what to focus on to keep moving forward.

Feels almost extistential.

Sorry for such a downer of a post.

Also been realizing lately that I probably have not been talking to enough people. I always talked to my husband.

So Thanks for listening or reading. I think I will keep posting till this weird depression funk passes if it passes.  

 

[MissingDaniel]

Doesn't sound weird at all.  I think it's similar to the numbness and fog of the first days and weeks, when you are in shock and almost just function on autopilot.  Once that wears off, the grief seems to hit you full force.  But then I think there is still a state of denial that some of us hold on to for a while.  I know for about the first 6 months I sort of played a game with myself that my husband was just out of town.  He died while he was away, so I just pretended that he was still gone but was coming back.  At some point, I guess I let go of that illusion.  But like you, I am a little past the 1 year mark, and there are days when it feels like I have taken a step backward.  I think I've started crying more.  I attribute it to the fact that I am thinking more about the finality of his loss, and my future without him in it.

 

I hope posting here will help you through this funk.  We are certainly here to listen.  I don't post nearly as much as I used to, but I'm always glad to have this place to come to when I have bad days or difficult experiences.  I wish for comfort for you.  I am sorry you are going through this sadness.

[HeyJude]

Next week, the 4th, will be a year and a half for me.  And it is still so darn hard.  I too believe that the finality of it all hits during the second year.  All the sudden you realize that nothing is going to change on its own and it is all up to you.  And now you don't have anyone to talk and plan with.  I feel so lost, I don't know which way to turn.  I hate it because my future is all up to me now and I am scared to death.

[Macrockaus]

<3