Only weeks to go .....

[Cryss]

Hi all, I'm hoping that it will be ok to share my story with you. I'm experiencing feeling and thoughts I've never even comprehended I could.

You see, my mother hasn't passed yet, but it is imminent.

My husband and I returned from a holiday 4 weeks ago, we went to visit mum immediately, to see how she was, only to find her poorly and not feeling too well. Tired and nauseous were the symptoms.

My mum lived independently and worked 3-4 days a week.

Long story short, we took a scan of her liver only to find she had cancer in both the liver and spleen.

Cut to today, mum is bedridden, delirium is setting in, needs assistance eating, bathing and WC.

Her liver stats are going through the roof and the hospital have given her weeks, we need to start looking at hospice care, I can't even comprehend what they are saying, this is surreal.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Or is anyone in the process of losing their parent?

Cryss

[drisana]

Hi Cryss. I just lost my mom last Sunday. (6/15/2014). I was her live-in caregiver for four years. She had a lot of long term health issues-but none were supposed to be fatal-at least not for a long time, say, until she was 80ish. She was only 59. I had talked to her, and it had to of been no more than a 30 minute increment from her talking with me, good colour,.coherent, no problems at all-then dead. I had no preparation for this. Taking care of her was my job. She had just recovered froma common UTi infection that turned septic (ie, the infection spread through the blood, full body infection)> I got her in the hospital, and it took about 4 weeks, to get her home again. They had her doing physical therapy for leg strength etc. She was actually healthier, more fit and functioning-when she passed than all the time I was taking care of her. So, as someone who had no notice, no warning, whose life, whose purpose-expolded around them and out from under their feet-I say be so glad you get a chance to say your goodbyes. Say whatever it is you've wanted to say-any past hurts, all the good times-everything. Because you won't feel like you are doing it, after the fact. even when that is all that goes through your mind all day and night for a time. Prepare-know what she wants for her funeral, anything special she'd want to take with her eve if she is to be cremated-where she wants to be buried, or if buried-what clothing she wants to wear. I know, it seems horrible-and it is. But if you cannot save her-we all pass away, some day-then you can do your best for her and try to make sure her last wishes-would be honoured. I think being able to do that-will hurt like crazy, and it will never be the same again-it will always be different-but if you can know you did the very best you could for her-that will make a ton of difference on how you are able to cope after the initial tears, shock, and deepest of agony starts to fade from the thoughts, when you have to get back to your own act of living for whatever time you have-just as I had to do. But, this is only the opinion of one person, who is deeply in grief, who feels like a scared, lonely 3 year old. My mother and I-we were the only family we had. If I hadn't been here-she would of just been some wierd smell someone reported, or only found when the landlord had to barge in, to see why the rent for the next month hadn't been paid. It would of been, close to three weeks for someone to find her-she never went out much, she didn't want to associate or make friends. So, just my being her-not leaving her alone, and improving the best for her based on our verbal conversations about the possibility-was all I could give her. So take this time to be with her, to tell her you love her-and at times may have been angry with her, for any number of reasons-but that you are okay with that, and still love her and always will. Hug her-hold her hand. Interact all you can. I wish I had some way, some forewarning so I could of had that. I didn't, so please-don't waste it. *hugs* -Michelle

[Heartlight]

Hi Cryss,

 

(and sad hugs to you Michelle, I'm so sorry about your mom )

 

My aunt asked me whether it was worse having someone leave me suddenly (my sister) or with foreknowledge (my dad).  I told her it they are both terrible but very, very different.  We watched my dad decline very, very quickly, within a month after being diagnosed, and the terror and the heartache and the fear and the desire to make sure you say everything you want to say and the fear and the desire to not show your absolute loss because you don't want it to be hard for them and the fact that you keep knowing again and again is that it's going to happen....

 

...it is awful

 

The one thing that was very difficult for me when my sister died is that I didn't know whether she knew that I loved her.  That was very, very difficult.  Of course she knew, but the grieving mind and heart only knows this loss of love and it makes that love become much, much more important and without being able to share it, I became a total wreck.

 

So when my dad was dying, he knew.  That is the only blessing of having time, is you do get to make sure that they know that you love them.  It's really all we have.

 

We did all the things that Michelle is talking about... we prepared my dad's funeral with him, it was the hardest thing I've had to do.  I drove him around to get his financial affairs in order.  I went to the insurance company and talked to his agent about his impending death.

 

It is very surreal.  And it takes more strength than we're supposed to have -at least according to this little girl of his

 

So yes, anything and everything you could be feeling is so very natural right now.  If you need to ask again because you are a mess, ask again.  If you need step by step instructions, get them.  If you need to break down, do it.

 

I learned what it means to walk someone to the grave and that we have done our best - not the best we've ever done, just the best we could in these moments of total heartbreak - we can keep a small piece of that for what comfort it may give us later.  But the best, in all of everything, is to just love, to let that be fully realized between you, like Michelle said.

 

I will keep you both in my heart.

 

<3