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Confused and angry


sami b

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My cousin and best friend killed himself more than 2 years ago.  I recently got married and he would have been a big part of the wedding had he been around. 

He had been my best friend for 15 years.  We spoke at least once a day and usually more than that.  I live in California and he lived in Missouri so speaking on the phone and texting and emailing were what kept us close.  He was the one person who understood me.  No one will ever just get me like he did and I don't think anyone really understood him the way that I did, but I still have no idea why he chose to kill himself.

At my wedding I had a candle and picture of him just so that he was there in some way, I almost didn't put it out though.  I have not passed the pissed off stage of grief and I do not see how I will ever be able to.  How will I ever be able to move past this and not be angry every time I think about him?

He did not give us a reason for why he decided to take his life.  He left letters for a couple of his friends and his parents and brother and girlfriend, but that was it.  And while all the letters were different the message was the same: I love you, I'm sorry, it's not your fault.

I did not receive a letter.  I tell myself I didn't get a letter because we had had a falling out not too long before it happened, but I don't really know why.  Not that it would have changed anything if I had gotten one, none of the letters gave a reason.  I know he loved me and that we would have been close again if he were still here. 

I just don't know how to find closure and let the anger go.  Anyone have any ideas on how to begin that process?  Any suggestions would be most helpful. 

Thank you.

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Hi sami b,

 

The only way that I have ever known to deal with any of the emotions of grief are to allow them to exist.  In allowing them to exist, you start to first, not stop the energy of their momentum, plus you get to learn and understand the basis of them.

 

For instance, there reached a point with both my sister and my father where I allowed myself to feel the totality of my pain over their loss.  It was a terrible feeling and it was very scary, but in doing so, I got to feel - at the same time - the true, overwhelming and just as intense love that the pain was actually a reflection of.  It was an incredible moment and the knowledge of it, and the ability to redirect the pain towards the love, was made possible because I allowed it.

 

This is the only thing I can think of - allowing so you can express and learn and make friends with what has been lost and so profoundly affecting you.

 

Off the top of my head, and in now way am I suggesting that this is true, just my first thoughts for an example: I would completely understand if part of your grieving process was halted because you wouldn't let yourself feel the depth of your hurt at not receiving a letter.  This is the type of thing that can get caught without understanding because we don't want to seem selfish or we don't want to think we're overshadowing our loss, or being petty, but it doesn't matter what it is - whether it might seem like something selfish or petty in the outside world, the reality of loss is *not* the reality that is taking place in the outside world.  Anything can happen, anything can come up, we can feel anything and all of it is all right and natural.  But if we stunt our feelings, they don't get an opportunity to exist and morph into their next form.

 

Like I said, I don't know this is what's happened but it is a good example of why we sometimes won't allow something within our grieving.  That and fear that the pain won't end.  If it were me, I would be struggling terribly over the fact that I didn't receive a letter.

 

For myself, allowing all that we feel, as gently and without judgement as we can, is the only help that I have found, at all.  Nothing can change things, we can only be compassionate with ourselves as we move through all the terrible things we have to feel.

 

<3

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