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This pain...how do I deal?


Lex_Morgan

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I just lost my father, who I had always taken care of up until cancer took him. I don't know how to grieve him, though I know there is no right or wrong way to....I've lost my biological mother and adopted to cancer too. This just feels different and in a way more painful. I try not to think about it because when I tap into what I am feeling it just hurts. I don't have many people around who understand what losing a parent feels like. Any words would help me; feeling alone in this.

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dayzed and confused

Lex_Morgan,

 

I am so very sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling over your father's passing. I'm new to this grieving process myself, as my mom died a little over two weeks ago, and I, along with my sisters, took care of her for the years she was sick. 

 

I know what you mean when you say you don't know how to grieve him.  I have so many conflicted feelings myself, and I just want to feel like I used to feel, before she passed.  This changes you  - and you have to give yourself time to adjust to that change.  I received some very good advice on here, and am so glad I posted.  I am sure you will too.  

 

Be patient with yourself, and while I understand that you do not want to let yourself be debilitated by the sadness, give yourself time to feel it.  Otherwise, you may find your subconscious popping in memories and upsetting things when you least expect it.  I find if I don't give myself daily time to feel my pain I end up having disturbing, and haunting dreams.  

 

I wish you peace and love on your journey.

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Lex Morgan -

I just lost my mother this last Sunday, on Father's Day. I lost my dad in 2003. So i was already, as I s\usually do at such times, missing him.  So this for me is painful in multiple ways. First of all i was my mother's friend and caregiver for four years, live in.  We talked every day and night. We had some fun. Now, she had a lot of long term health issues-but nothing that was fatal, or supposed to be, for a long time still to come. I had talked to her, not more than 30 minutes before she died. When i next went into her room-she was gone. I found her there. She looked like she had gone peacefully as any of us could hope-but I was devestated, and still am. I feel nothing but this burning pain in my chest that is sheer grief and loss.  It is all I can do to stop crying and put on a mask of stoic calm I don'rt really feel at all, because tears upset people.

Those who did know us both even seem to think I should be 'bouncing back to normal' any time now-well, I am not. it is all i can do to stop crying and hide' the pain as best I can, to try and keep my voice from cracking and breaking down into tears of agonised loss. I don't understand this culture-everyone loses in time, people they loved and care about (and still do, een with them deceased). Yet-people feel awkward around grief so it makes us feel even worse when we seem to be expected to hide it, to just be 'fine' again, almost the next day.  I don't know for anyone else-but I think I will feel this loss for a long time. The rest of my life in fact-al I can do, all I hope, is there is some truth to the saying 'time heals all wounds', and that in time, as the days pass-moment by moment, I can find some peace, some calm, and that the pain in my chest will lessen and that-if there is anything of her out there, 'aware' of whats happened, of what I did-she will know I tried to save her, and that when i couldn't-i at least tried to make her final wishes come true.

I rejoined her with my father.there was no will-no end of life plans in writing. But we had talked, and that was the desire she expressed. So i hope if anything of her still knows or will know-it is I tried my best. I did everything i could. I wish, I would trade anything-to have her back. Even my own life. but it doesn't work that way. Logically, I know the stages of grief. I know logically what survivor's guilt is.  But logic-in the face of the actual experience-doesn't do asnything to lessen or 'contain' these feelings. You know honestly, the best phrase I ever heard about it was summed up bothin the book and movie "Memoirs of a Geisha'. a totally ficticious book and movie but-there is i\ a part in it, where she goes to the temple and it says "At the temple a poet has writen a poem about loss. Itis three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot write loss, only feel it.".

That is, by far-the truest statement about loss I have yet to read. I am sure the inspirational pictures etc will help after a while-but in these fresh stages of grief and loss-no enlightening words will help. All that will help, is having people to talk to-who are going through much the same. Those who are experiencing loss-and feeling it./ No two griefs are the same. No two people are the same. Some people cope easily, some never really get over it. it depends on who they have lost, the connections between them, etc. My grief is not the same as yours-not more valid, and not less valid either. Just different. That said-those who are in similar stages of grief, I think at present-do best to talk to others in the same state. Because they will be hurting too, and won't push you away for expressing feelings, good bad or inbetween-on what you feel. They won't tell you to 'cheer up and move on'. They won't act like everything is perfectly fine. At least that is what i think, but this is just one person's opinion. You have to do what you feel is best for you, and your grief. I just advise-talking to others, like us. Like me. Because then, not only will you not feel so alone-but neither will we.

*hugs*  Cry. Vent. Talk. Get those feelings out, admit to having them-not to everyone, as I said not everyone can or will want to understand-but to those of us who can and will-some of us have felt like commiting suicide and giving up too when we lose that special person I'vew felt that with this loss. I don't intend to act on it, but what good does it do me to hide it, to bottle it up? It just adds to the weight of my grief. So I am talking, writing, all I can to-I dunno, cope? to  have reqason to take the next breathe in? However you want to put it.. Maybe you draw-draw your grief. I write-so i am writing mine, in a personal journl as well as talking to people both near and far, people I've met IRL and people I only know from online. It all helps keep me feeling-sane, human.

I hope you can feel not so alone either. 

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