Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Lost my mom 16 days ago


dayzed and confused

Recommended Posts

  • Members
dayzed and confused

HI,  I am posting in here in hopes that I can process all that I am feeling and thinking.  

 

I am the youngest of seven children, my mother was 41 when she had me.  Everyone used to comment when I was a child - is that your grandmother?  Comments like these caused me to pray at night that I would die before my parents - so odd, but I remember it so vividly.

 

My mother was an alcoholic.  Functional, but typical in so many ways.  When I was a child, I did not know why mom got mean around dinner time, yelled and cried at dad and myself. I used to cry myself to sleep.  In the mornings, she would be kind and loving, and I would be so grateful for that.  My closest sibling is 8.5 years older than I, and she  no longer lived at home.  She was the one who actually told me about mom's drinking issues. She would hide bottles, glasses - everywhere around the house.  Dad worked and supported us, so mom was home alone most of the day. 

 

Mom had a fall in 1998, where she blacked out and broke her wrist  and couldn't walk around.  None of us lived at the house at this time, and when we'd call to talk to mom, dad would make excuses about her reason for not being able to get to the phone.  Once we discovered dad was taking care of her at home, bed pan and all - we were able to get mom to the hospital.  Then, she acknowledged she was an alcoholic - but instructed me to put it behind me.  

 

I went to one alateen meeting as a kid, but it was difficult when I couldn't drive. 

 

Mom had a heart attack in 2000 and at that time, we discovered she had prior heart damage. Apparently, she had a previous heart attack which was never acknowledged.  She had so much  heart damage, they couldn't do any surgery (stint, etc) to help her heart function better.  At this time, we lived close and I took it upon myself to be in charge of mom's health care.  I would find doctors and take her to all the appointments, to make sure she was receiving proper medical care. 

 

After my divorce, my parents sold the house and moved 1 hour and 45 minutes away from all of us.  Mom did not want to move down there, but dad made all the decisions.  Mom lived to punish my father - she was angry that he didn't put her on a pedestal after having seven children for him. She was pregnant with my eldest brother when they married.  She was not a "motherly" or grandmotherly woman.  In fact, most conversations with mom were about MOM. She would call me at night, keep me on the phone for hours ranting about dad and how he didn't really love her, etc. The next morning, I'd call to see if she was okay and she wouldn't even remember the conversation.  She was incredibly needy; she was unable to provide the kind of advice and comfort that you normally associate with a mother.  

 

She, herself was raised by her grandparents while her parents went on to have additional children.  I know this scarred her and affected everything she did in live.  I was just a child - I had no idea why mom did what she did, I just wanted to be loved.  Dad did not protect me from any of the emotional abuse - never explained anything. It was a home and life full of uncertainty and knotted stomachs.  

 

Because of this situation, I married a man who was abusive both emotionally and on occasion, physically. I had two daughters with him and mustered the strength to divorce him so that my daughters would have a fighting chance to have normal, healthy relationships.  I was in therapy for nearly four years going through the divorce, explored all the childhood trauma/drama I had experienced and congratulated myself for being so healthy. 

 

My siblings, due to the vast age difference between us all had different childhood experiences.   The eldest didn't see the alcoholic mother, obsessed with earning my father's love and honor.  

 

During the past three years, my two sisters and I managed mom's care from afar. She was in stage 4 kidney failure, had high cholesterol, high blood pressure, angina and dementia.  Having been through therapy, I acknowledged my difficult relationship with my mother and at times resented how much effort and time I had to put in to take care of mom.  Always, always - she looked for my father.  I would clean the house in 90 degree heat, because mom was always cold; when asked if I could turn the heat down while I cleaned, she told me to CLEAN SLOWER.  I did my duty as a daughter and sister. I did not want my sisters who are both currently married to do all of this on their own, and I was used to being the go to person for mom's health and medical issues.  

 

I recognized that once mom had dementia, there was no hope that I'd be able to have a frank conversation with her about our relationship; about how her emotional and intellectual absence (due to the abuse of alcohol)  during my youth affected me and my choices.  Even if mom always had her wits about her, I don't think she would have been able to see or understand the pain I had felt.  

 

In the past year, mom lost so much weight, she was only 70 pounds and was refusing to eat or drink.  I had asked the doctor to put mom on hospice care, because we couldn't get her up to go to doctors appointments, and she only would move from the bed to the sofa. She could no longer use the bathroom, shower or do any of her normal activities.  We had hourly caregivers at the house during 2013, but hired a live in for 24 hour care earlier this year.  

 

Mom died because she stood up, lost her footing on the brick fire place, and broke her hip.  She had surgery to implant a plate and nail in the hip, and had a heart attack during the surgery.  Somewhere between this and the rehab (three days later) she showed signs of a stroke.  We noticed on the weekend before her death she had a cough.  My eldest sister asked the nurse to  x ray mom's lungs for  pneumonia. They did this on June 2, and I had to call several times to get the diagnosis - which was, in fact, pneumonia.  There seemed to be a question as to when to start the treatment for the pneumonia, and i told them to get her started immediately.  In the prior days, mom was so tired and she didn't recognize me, or my sister.  She would shake and reach out into the air for things only she could see. She would talk about her grandmother, and how she would be mad if mom was late.  I would reassure her that her grandmother knew where she was and would wait for her. Mom had no dignity in the end, the aid was instructed by my siblings to force feed mom, mom was so tired, she would do anything to get people to leave her alone.  It was very, very hard to watch. 

 

Getting the call Tuesday, June 3rd that mom wasn't responding to treatment and refused to go to the hospital - was frightening and I called my sisters and brothers to get down to the rehab/nursing home..  Within 15 minutes mom had passed. Dad and the aid didn't even make it there in time.  Dad didn't even realize mom had passed, because she looked so ill the previous days, he tried talking to her. My eldest sister got to the rehab before me and my other sister. We were a quarter of a mile away when she asked if we wanted to see moms body before the funeral home arrived!  She couldn't seem to wait to get the ball rolling.

 

When I saw her there, in the bed - I just wanted to pick her up and hold her.  My little mom - did she feel pain when she died ? Why did she have to be alone? We were on our way - why didn't they call me sooner?? 

 

There are a ton of things I could say about my siblings, and how each of them handled the situation.  It did not bring us closer together. I am still close to my one sister and brother, but I always have felt like the one person dealing with things in REAL time. Everyone in my family is very good at denial.  Mom was buried with her rings on - my eldest sister instructed the funeral home director to do so, even after we discussed that mom wanted each of us to have one of her rings.  Now I have nothing but this weird HUGE emptiness and loneliness.  Why am I so sad? I knew she was sick, I knew she was in a bad way.  She was only 55 pounds when she died.  I know she is no longer in pain.

 

Am I grieving the relationship that I never had with her? Am I grieving the life that she seemed to take for granted - she was rarely happy, unless drinking. 

 

I feel selfish and horrible when I acknowledge that I spent most of the three years taking care of mom out of obligation.   When I knew she was dying, I was filled with compassion and empathy.  I wanted to be sure she was comfortable and taken care of.

 

I ended a relatively new relationship a week before mom died because I did not feel supported by him - I told him how alone I was in handling everything and I needed someone to be strong for me.  Was I wrong to want and need that from him?

 

I called a therapist and am hoping to be able to move forward in this process without hurting anyone else.  (I mean by my anger)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi there, dayzed and confused.

 

I'm sorry about your mom and the sad and confused relationships that you're are having to go through.

 

I want you to know, first, that regarding wanting something from that new relationship, it is not wrong.  Wanting and needing something from a new relationship is not wrong because you've just lost your mom and it's not wrong to want and need right now.  Whether or not the relationship was good or stopping it is, in my opinion, a different matter to be dealt with not in relation to whether it's ok to want and need.

 

It's ok to want and need.

 

I also want you to know that feelings of selfishness or even relief or any other feeling is also normal.  You've had a difficult relationship and you will definitely have difficult feelings because of that.  The loss of someone is bad enough, but the reality of our relationships with them always add a uniqueness to our grief.  So please don't judge yourself for anything you may feel.

 

I think it's good that you have some therapy upcoming.  I know that with a large family and everyone having their own relationship and grief, things can get confused and as many families that grow together because of the loss of someone, there are as many who either drift or are ripped apart.  Seeing a counsellor will help you learn to process your own feelings towards them seperately from your grief for your mom.  It may not always be easy, and many of them may make it very difficult, but you can take heart in the fact that you know you are working on you.

 

Just do what you can for the next while to help yourself in some kind of a balance.  It's never balanced, really, for the first few months, but taking the time to write and understand how your feeling can only be helpful.  I'm glad you found this place and I hope that you will write some more.

 

Be understanding and gentle with yourself right now, you do have a loss of a dream as well as your mom.  Being compassionate with yourself will help you learn which is the love for your mom and which is the loss of a dream.

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
dayzed and confused

Heartlight,

 

Thank you so much for your comforting words.  I cannot tell you how understood you made me feel. I read all of these posts on here, and feel the pain of people's loss when they had close, healthy relationships with their angels. I know I did the best I could for mom, despite not having that - and I may read your post over and over again so that I don't judge myself for this conflicted, painful feeling.

 

Your kindness means so much.

 

dayzed and confused.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm glad you could find some comfort in my words, dayzed and confused.  I'm glad you are reading the forums also.  Hopefully as you read about the difficult and confused states that others have been in, you will be able to continue not judging yourself and being kind to yourself.  It is a difficult time and being gentle with ourselves can help us have the space we need to be able to feel and process and grieve.

 

Some day, you will be able to understand all that you're feeling.  For now, just allow.

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
dayzed and confused

Thank you so much.  You are my angel today. :) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
dayzed and confused

So, today is the three week anniversary of my mom's passing.  I am not as angry as I was when I first wrote this post. As a matter of fact, I realized last week that I do feel loss and I do miss her. I have been having trouble reconciling logic to my emotions, given the history of it all. Now, I just get through my day and try to stay busy, but I have no interest in being social with other people or going out.  I just want to spend some time at home, holding the blanket she had at the rehab (it was one from her house, that we brought there) and breathe.  

 

I packed up mom's things on Saturday, with one of my sisters.  I wrote out thank you cards to friends who sent flowers or other things. It was really difficult, but also healing.

 

I did love my mom, and I know she knew I loved her when she passed.

 

I am considering an al-anon meeting in my area. I can't seem to get a call back from the therapists who participate in my insurance plan.  I may have to broaden my scope. 

 

I hope everyone else is doing okay today.

 

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am very glad you are finding some balance, Tina.  I see you've been helping others and I find that really helps me.  I know it's still not easy, and I'm sure it's still sometimes crushing for you but I'm glad you have an outlet here and that you seem to be picking your way.  I do hope you go to al-anon, even just to say it isn't for you.  But you may learn some things that really help you move past the past and discover anew all the ways your mom loved you.

 

"Drink lots of water, take your vitamins, and try to get enough sleep."

 

Back at ya :)

 

<3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
dayzed and confused

Thank you, kind heartlight.  I am going tomorrow morning to  a meeting and someone from an online support group gave me her email address to email her before and after the meeting just as a little reassurance. 

 

Your comments, kind words and encouragement are so helpful to us all. 

 

Thank you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.