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philipnathaniel

Trying to reconcile....

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I just want to show my former wife that I have truly changed and can be the husband and father she wanted and needs. I was so blind to her unhapiness. I look back at how selfish I was and am so ashamed. We were together almost 8 years, and it has been almost three since we split. I have dated, but still miss her and my son so much. I can look back now and see the mistakes. I lost what I feel was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I took it for granted. I have seen her on web dating sites and it hurts so much. How can I get back the trust I lost and make myself appealing and attractive to her again? She cut herself off emotionally, and will not talk about the divorce only telling me that she was unhappy. I never hit her or abused her in any way. There was no affair. I would do anything to change the past, but the damage is done.

 

My story is kind of long and complicated. I met my now former wife in 2003. We hit it off immediately.  She is an alpha female, and fiercly independent and organized to the "t". I am very passive and laid back, but we saw past that for a long time.We dated for about 6 months before I moved in. We lived together in a home she bought until 2006 when we got married. Prior to meeting her, I had smoked pot for a long time. I was very much an anti drug person until I started having a second bout, the first lasted 3 years, of anxiety attacks. I tried pot during a horrible panic attack and it helped immensely. That was the beginning of a 15 year addiction to marijuana. I also have bad issues with foot pain, and began using hydrocodone. I never obtained it illegaly, but I soon began to use my scripts up quickly and then sometimes would go through some withdrawls until the next month when I got a new script. I was embarassed and terrified to tell anyone about my use because of the stigma associated with opiates.

 

Back to my marriage. It wasn't long until I was found out. She was disapointed but told me that her father, who was very successfull and retired a millionare, smoked pot up until 2000. He used it for similar reasons but had to quit because of drug testing. I continued to smoke pot, even on our wedding day, until 2011 when she finally told me how unhappy she was with our marriage. I had spent too much time over the years in our basement smoking pot. The thing that really bugged her was the night our son was born, I left for an hour to celebrate with friends. She didn't tell me for almost a year how much it bothered her. After our son was born in 2008, I continued to smoke, not realizing how much it had started to bother her. I want to add that I have never been in any legal trouble or lost a job. Another thing that bothered her was that I had 2 beers every night, and chewed and smoked cigarettes sometimes. I worked in an ER, had long hours, and found it difficult to unwind after work. I jogged 2-3 times a week, and always had a home routine of pushups, curls, and pilates.

What happened was, slowly, over a few years, she began to falling out of love with me. She had made up her mind that I cared more about "drugs" than her. It was the weekend after New Year's in 2011 that she told me she wasn't happy. From that point on she totally shut herself off from me emotionally. I talked her into counseling, but I could tell that her heart wasn't fully in it. My anxiety became worse and worse. I have seen a psychiatrist since I was 17 for anxiety, and had been on Xanax and Lexapro/Paxil since. When we began having marital issues, my doctor just kept upping the dose of Xanax from 0.5mg to 3mg a day in just a couple of months. She also said that if I smoked pot again that it would be grounds for immediate divorce. I finally started going to NA and tried to get some help, and to show her that I was trying to sober up.

In April of 2011, I finally told her about my pain med use, and that I wanted to go into treatment. I went into a 30 day treatment the next day.

This is where the nightmare begins. In treatment, the psychiatrist put me on Remeron to help me sleep and to help with my anxiety. He also began to slowly taper my Klonopin down from 3mg. Right before I left, he told me that he wanted to help me get off of benzodiazipines by using Lyrica experimentally. I went with it, and left treatment thinking things would be ok.

When the Remeron began to take full effect, the side effects were awful and absolutely terrifying. I also began having panic attacks because of the taper off of Klonopin. To make matters worse, the Lyrica did not work, and I could not tolerate it. My psychiatrist would not budge on the taper, and I became suicidal. I had to go to a psych ward because things were so bad. She told me while I was in the psych ward that she couldn't take much more. I had to find a new psychiatrist while being an in-patient to get back on klonopin.

The new psychiatrist I began seeing mentioned to me that he would consider giving me a marijuana green card, without me asking. My wife was furious. That same week, I reached another breaking point. Having no idea that the medication, Remeron, was causing so many problems, I made the biggest mistake of my life and got a script for hydrocodone. I told my wife and she asked for a divorce the next day. It wasn't until months after we seperated that my psychologist realized that my medication, Remeron, was causing so many problems.

It has been almost 3 years since that day, and I am absolutley fine now. I fought severe depression for almost 2 years, and was only able to have my son every other weekend until a few weeks ago when she agreed to let me have him for 4 days every other week. The only thing that I am so sad about is the loss of my life with her, and my complete ignorance to the causes of her unhappiness.

I see a counselor every month, exercise, and am trying to regain my self esteem one day at a time.

She was really the first woman I ever really dated, and she is all I know. I have no idea how to start over at 37 years old. I have been taking classes and earned an associate's degree. I am continuing on and am halfway to finishing my bachelor's degree in communications. I have never stalked her, drove by the house, harassed her with phone calls, or gone to the house to try and talk. I have basically tried to reason with her with texts and e-mails. I have never sworn at her or tried to use my son as a pawn.

I know that time will make the pain lessen, but any advice would be great!

 

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Hi there, philipnathaniel,

 

Speaking as someone who has experienced losing trust and love for her partner, I am afraid to say that it is difficult on the part of us who have lost that to regain it, no matter what you do.

 

However, I am a hopeless romantic and I do believe that dreams can come true.  So I've thought about it and thought, what would give him the best chance at his dream?

 

This is what I've come up with:

 

Make allowing her her freedom and independence more important than the fact that you want a relationship.  Make respecting her and having an interest in how she feels more important than your possible reconcilliation.

 

Create the space in your heart where that she is happy is more important than whether or not she is with you.

 

Find a way to feel so much love in your heart for HER so that you can let her go.  Find a way to be grateful to yourself that you were able to love someone so unconditionally, and let that be enough.

 

And do this with true heart, with true release and relief, learning as you go about value and love and honesty and personal integrity, and she may come to see someone that doesn't scare her anymore.

 

But you can't do this to get her back.  Otherwise, you're just fooling yourself and you're being conditional.

 

In the last couple days, that was the best thing that I could think that may actually help you both be at peace and, maybe, give you a tiny chance to reconcile.  If you allow this, you may find that your love for her nourishes you, regardless of her participation.

 

Either way, you will get the opportunity to learn about unconditional love and that will make the whole thing worth it.  Whether you reconcile or not.

 

I wish you deep contemplation and peace.

 

<3

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