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My husband died last Thursday i can't do this


Elsie

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My husband of 26 years committed suicide June 12 last Thursday.

He was everything to me and the love of my life. I came home from work and he was dead on the floor in our bedroom shot through the heart. We were very private people and the police all were in our home scaring the cats and it was horrible. Then hazmat came and ripped up my bedroom floor all the way through the livingroom ceiling.

I can't atop looking at it.

My mother in law and aunt and kids have helped a lot, but today I have been alone. Our kids are grown and had to leave me. My parents and both my brothers and sister are all dead. I'm only 46 and my life is over. What who do I live for now? How am I going to get through tonight.

The day he died he went out and bought all the pets food filled up my gas before I left for work, finished a repair in ourbathroomm and set the DVR to record all of my stupid shows for the next week. He was always my hero.

Tomorrow I have to do legal and mortuary stuff and I don't know what I'm doing.

He was my world. How do I keep breathing?

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Elsie, I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband died on 5/27/14, and I asked the same question....how do I breathe without him.  It's been very difficult as our only son lives out of town as well. 

 

Seems like there are so many of us going through this horrific grieving process.  Please try and take a friend with you tomorrow.   You'll have to make this difficult decisions, but if you have someone you can cry with, or that can give you a hug, perhaps you can get through the legal and funeral arrangements. 

 

I'm in no position to give any advice other than allow yourself to cry and be angry.  I do, and I don't let anyone tell me I can't!

 

He was thinking of you till the very end...how blessed to have had that love for 26 years.  I had mine for 30...and he was my everything.

 

Blessings,

Marty

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Thank you. Reading through the words on this site is so painful but helpful too in a way. I think knowing these horrible feelings and thoughts I'm having are understood by others makes it seem like there must be hope somewhere. I have people who care but they don't can't understand what this feels like. Reading all your stories here so many many say exactly what I'm going through.

I put his shirt on a pillow in our bed and that is the only way I can sleep. But when I wake up and realize its a pillow and not him it physically feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I used to love the mornings but now they are the worst. Worse than the nights even.

I have to go do hard things today. I have 2 people taking me and I'm so grateful. But I'm terrified and sick. At least I will get his wedding ring back today.

I don't think he realized that the bullet that went through his heart went through mine as well.

Stupid thing... I always wore lots of mascara every day since my lashes are so light. Now I can't because I keep sobbing and it gets all over. I always tried to look nice for him and now my nails are awful my face looks 20 years older.

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I can relate to the mascara.  I use to wear makeup until Chuck was diagnosed with cancer, because when I cried it would get in my eyes and burn! 

 

Elsie, I'm right there with you in pain.  It will be 3 weeks tomorrow that my EVERYTHING went to Heaven.  I miss him so much I literally felt pressure around my heart today.  This really really sucks!!!

 

I know what you mean about the sucker punch.  I pull out his pictures and look at them for hours only to realize I can't hold him, touch him, kiss him, dance with him, laugh with him, be goofy with him, have breakfast/lunch/dinner with him, hold hands with him, love him, cuddle with him, tease him, chase him around the house, garden with him, etc. etc. etc.

 

Glad you got through ONE of the hardest things ever!

 

Peace,

Marty

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MissingDaniel

Elsie, I just want to tell you how very sorry I am for what you are going through.  This loss is like nothing else you ever have to face, like having a part of you cut out and removed.  I am glad you were able to have someone go with you to make the arrangements.  I remember the first day I had to go to the funeral home, and I saw my husband's body, and my legs literally gave out beneath me.  I was so glad to have my mother-in-law and her partner there with me to help hold me up and get me through it.  I feel so very sad for you.

 

There are many here to help encourage you and to just listen to you vent if you need to.  Please try to take care of yourself in these early days.  It will not be easy, but you can get through this.  Hugs to you!

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Up until this point I don't think anyone knows what real "heartache" is.  I had that pressure around my heart as well.  It actually felt like my heart was broken....it was.

 

Oh boy, these early days are rough.  I remember it well.  I literally have some blocks of time that have disappeared meaning I can't remember some things.  I don't remember going and making arrangements but I did.  Thank God my mother was with me.  I do remember going and picking up his ashes though.

 

My husband has been gone for a year and a half now.  I can't believe it.  Just thinking about that makes me want to cry.  We were always together except when I was at work.  He was my purpose in life, he really was and now that he is gone I am just fumbling around.  I wish I had wisdom to hand down to you ladies but I don't.  All I do know is what you both are feeling is grief and whatever your doing to get through each day is how you handle it.  Unfortunately we have to get through it and we do.  Will we get over it?  No, I don't think so but we do get through it.  The pain becomes less consuming.  In fact, memories begin to bring a smile instead of tears.  Just hang in there girls.

 

When you need to vent, come on and let it out here.  One thing is for certain, there is not one person on this Partners forum who doesn't know exactly what your going through.  We are here to help each other on this journey we had no choice in taking.

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It has been four months since my husband passed. I know the heartache you are feeling. The weight of grief can feel like it will crush you but, it can be held up. Rely on friends as much as you can because it will begin to bore them after a while. It's not their fault. They are not surrounded by it every minute of every day. They are not treading water in the middle of your sea of grief.

Some things you can do to stay sane:

  • Read. Take your self out of your world for a little while
  • Pet your cats. Petting an animal lowers your blood pressure and relaxes you.
  • Keep a small counsel of friends and family on speed dial. Different people who can give you what you need at the time. Someone who can be practical, who an tell you what you need to hear. A close friend who can tell you what you want to hear. A minister who can tell you what God wants you to hear. A friend or family member who can be there at a moments notice to get you through the panic attacks.
  • Food. A full stomach is key to emotional control
  • Your friends here on the chat line. Remember we were all where you are now and we have managed to keep breathing. We can help you. 
  • A project. When you feel like you have some energy, redecorate a room. I redid my family/bed room. I changed everything and now my husband is not sitting on every chair. He's never been in this room so it makes it a little easier to be in here. Paint can work wonders for the soul.
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     Elsie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.  The pain can be overwhelming.  My husband of 30 years has been gone for almost 6 months.  I remember the first few days and feeling like I honestly could not go on without him.  It hurt so much I wanted to die too.  I will tell you that it does get easier.  People told me that and I did not believe them. 

 

     I still miss him and think about him almost constantly, but the pain is not quite as intense.  I am not happy but I am not constantly sad either.  Not sure if that makes sense.  Do whatever feels right for you.  I tried going to a grief counselor, it was not what I needed.  I may change may mind at a later time.  I started writing letters to my husband in an online journal.  That really seemed to help me at the beginning. 

 

     Good luck.  Remember, all of us here have been through this horrible loss, it sucks but we are getting through it, day by day, sometimes minute by minute, you will too. 

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Thank you all. Your words are appreciated. This is so hard and I have to go in to work tomorrow. Ugh the queations i know are coming. I dont want to talk to them about this.

The days and nights are SO long! Just knowing there are others who truly know what this is like is helping. But that is so horrible too. I wish this never happened to anyone.

I'm so sorry for your losses and that you are all going through this too. So much love and life and all ripped away in a moment. It's all so wrong.

I miss him so much!

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Hey Jude

I find a lot of truth in a lot of the replies, you've given to others. I'm new to the site. I just lost my partner to brain cancer on 8/24.. I'm so so hurt,still in disbelief. I posted the hell.I went thru with his mother, who has treated me.like.garbage leading up, to him being hospitilized..I shared my life with him for 8 yrs. None of that seemed to matter towards the end. Made losing him even harder. I fee like I'm in a holding pattern. He just left so suddenly. I miss him more than I can put into words. We were inseparable

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MyLashes -

 

I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved.  I can only imagine how difficult it is on you, having his mother step in.  I had a similar thing happen with a dear friend of mine.  Her beloved died without them ever being legally married.  His family wanted all his things, the house etc.  The 'common law" laws protected her in her situation and she was able to keep everything because they were considered married by the state.  But to have to fight for something that is yours is really rotten.  That on top of losing your beloved would put me in the nuthouse!!

 

So tomorrow is my 20 month out date.  I know that I'm doing a lot better than I was, say 10 months ago.  A lot of life has lost it's zing but we do move forward.  What you need to know at this point is whatever you have to do to grieve, do it.  Don't let anyone tell you it isn't right or it should only last a month or so.  This is a very personal journey that we each take.  The ONLY people who are going to understand you are the one's who have also lost their beloveds.

 

Just keep in mind that things will get easier.  The intense weight pressing down on you will get lighter.  Memories will bring smiles.When the time is right for you, you will begin to shape your "new normal".  After all, your life has been thrown up into the air like a handful of pick-up sticks.  One by one you need to pick them up and start building a new life.  All of us here are trying to do the same thing.  We are all here for you.

 

Judy

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I am so sorry for your loss Elsie. I will include you in my prayers. I lost my husband 8 years ago, I was 24 back then he was also shot and just like you when he died I also felt like I died with him, all I can say is that in time, it will be better, things will be better.

They are in a better place and we will see them again.

Moving on does not mean that we have to forget about them; it just means that we will replace the hurt with special memories.

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Elsie. yes you can.  Right now you are numb -- that is, amazingly, a GOOD thing because it will help you function like a robot and get through everything you have to deal with right now.  All the legal things, the funeral, the whole mess -- it will be unreal to you.  That actually helps.  Believe me, and stay strong.  The truth will hit several weeks from now.  Right now, just do what you have to do as he would have expected of you.  And God bless.

 

 

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My husband died on 6/26/14 - he was on the phone with me when he went into sudden cardiac arrest.  I'm trying so hard to go, but the truth is, I don't want to.  I don't want to do this alone.  I don't want to be without him.  We were married for 31 years, together 34.  I have very little family left, I have nothing.  I just don't know how I'll survive this and right now, I don't want to.

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california4life

newbie am so sorry for what you have gone through. god still has you a live because that is his will. you are an extremely strong person dont give up god has you here for a reason. maybe you are the leader of the people that remain here with you, you are an extremely strong person that will help your love ones. 

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I just lost my loving husband 9/9/14. so unexpected, He had a minor accident at work that caused him to have a severe crushing injury to his scrotal area. Weeks went by until I finally pressed them to send him to a specialist. Specialist arranged for surgery asap...stating s=they should have never let him go this long. Long story short version...they removed a very large clot. Large incision. healing great but four... days after his first post op appt.  I found him in floor...a clot had gone to his heart. I started CPR as I am a nurse but I knew it was of no use...I was lost in grief stricken emotion.  I am so heartbroken I don't know which way to turn...I clean house trying to stay busy but crying and anxiety attacks come on crippling me. we had only been married 13 yrs but we loved each other deeply....always doing things together. He was my true soul mate. Thank God our kids were here for a couple of weeks to help with arrangements . this is my 2nd night along and all I can do is hold his shirt and cry. He was only 54

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This is a huge painful journey as you know. My husband died December 15, 2016. I'll never be the same and I don't want to get over him. I feel so deeply for all of you on this same journey. 

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Win,

We don't "get over" them.  We continue to miss them and there's no reason in the world to cut them out of our lives.  The goal is to get through the day, with all of the changes that have assailed us, our lives are completely different now, and that in itself can be daunting, but I want you to know that the intensity of the pain you feel right now will lessen, but what ties us to them is not our pain, but our love, and that continues always.

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Lost without my man

My husband passed away right in front of me 5/14/18 from a heart attack he was only 44 yrs old..I did CPR. But they couldn't bring him back. He was my everything. We we're together 14 yrs. We were always together. Its just been a month and I miss him so much...Everyone's gone and they tell me I'm strong and I'll get through this..but he was my rock, they don't get it..I feel like I died with him, except I'm still here. I'm so alone.so alone..we had just moved out of state. I'm scared by myself he always made me feel so safe...I just miss everything about him, my family and friends don't get how much it hurts.. It helps knowing that I'm not alone in my grief..It's just so so hard..

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I am so sorry, you are so young to be facing this...I thought it was bad enough my husband died of a heart attack barely 51 13 years ago Father's Day June 19, 2005.  Like you, he was everything to me, we spent all our time together, were so close.  I remember how I felt all that long ago as if it was yesterday, I felt frantic, scared, I didn't see how I could survive without him.  I'm here all these years later, so somehow I've survived.  I want to share with you the things I've learned on my journey (it's good to print out and check every few months to see if something stands out to you, it's likely too much to absorb at once and not everything will resonate with you at this moment but may later on down the road):

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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I'm following your stories.  we all resonate on this journey.  I'm trusting this pain does lessen. Only those that have started this journey before us know. We guide each other through this pain by sharing …...

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On ‎6‎/‎17‎/‎2014 at 12:57 PM, JennyC23 said:

It has been four months since my husband passed. I know the heartache you are feeling. The weight of grief can feel like it will crush you but, it can be held up. Rely on friends as much as you can because it will begin to bore them after a while. It's not their fault. They are not surrounded by it every minute of every day. They are not treading water in the middle of your sea of grief.

Some things you can do to stay sane:

  • Read. Take your self out of your world for a little while
  • Pet your cats. Petting an animal lowers your blood pressure and relaxes you.
  • Keep a small counsel of friends and family on speed dial. Different people who can give you what you need at the time. Someone who can be practical, who an tell you what you need to hear. A close friend who can tell you what you want to hear. A minister who can tell you what God wants you to hear. A friend or family member who can be there at a moments notice to get you through the panic attacks.
  • Food. A full stomach is key to emotional control
  • Your friends here on the chat line. Remember we were all where you are now and we have managed to keep breathing. We can help you. 
  • A project. When you feel like you have some energy, redecorate a room. I redid my family/bed room. I changed everything and now my husband is not sitting on every chair. He's never been in this room so it makes it a little easier to be in here. Paint can work wonders for the soul.

yes :)

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