My first date in 24 years

[Sammijo2424]

My husband has been gone 1 year & 4 months, I am lonely, so I got on a dating website and have met a man who I have had 1 date with, had a great time, I do not think it is any kind of love connection but just someone to go do things with, but who knows. It was so much fun just getting ready for the date, looking forward to it, getting myself all fixed up. I wore my husband's ring on a chain around my neck, have not taken it off since his death. Next date he wants to pick me up at my house. I, of course, have pics of me and hubby scattered throughout house. I do not know proper etiquette in these situations...am I suppose to put pics away, don't really think I am ready to do that, is it wrong to wear ring around my neck on a date, I just don't know.

I told him it was my first date, he wanted a goodnight kiss, I just couldn't so he gave me a real quick hug. I have not kissed another man in 24 years. I know I talked too much about husband, this man graduated high school with him. I kept referring to WE (my husband and i) and not I. I would not meet him for dinner in my town, just felt I would be too uncomfortable. I don't even know if I am even ready for any of this. I just know I can't continue as I have, I do not work so I have very few women relationships. My kids all live away, closest one is 2 hr drive. The last year and half has been hell on earth and I know my husband wants me to have a little happiness. The only thing he ever wanted was to make me happy. I tried to back out of date several times but my girl friend kept saying do it, do it, this is just a small step forward and you need this.

After the date I cried because it was not with my love, this weekend has been rough because I have seen several old friends that did not know and asked how he died, and because of Father's Day, I just keep thinking how tough it will be for our kids. I bought flowers to go put on his grave tomorrow. I know one thing today and that is that anyone I am with will have to accept my husband was and always will be a major part of my life, he will always be with me.

[Macrockaus]

I hope you get a companion who loves you enough to make your life joyful and peaceful and wise and generous enough to accept you as you are ..hold on..

[HeyJude]

Marsha!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am astounded!!!  You are doing it girlfriend...you are moving forward!!!  I am so proud of you!!!!

 

I am still steadfast in my resolve that if God wants me to meet another man He is going to have to hand deliver him to me.  Otherwise it just ain't gonna happen.  I tried the dating sites and all that hit on me was those damn Nigerian romance scammers.  Oh, one local man but I found out he is married.  Said his wife has dementia really bad...shame on him!!!!  I don't want a man like that, that's for sure!!!

 

I have been pretty much miserable lately.  I couldn't quite pinpoint what the problem was until just this weekend.  Our wedding anniversary is coming up.  With that gnawing away at me and just the fact that I miss him so incredibly much, I've been the biggest cry baby lately.  There is something else going on that I haven't mentioned to anyone.  I have started self mutilating and I can't get a grip on it.  Why does life have to be so damn complicated?

[sim-law]

HeyJude,

 

You are obviously a very kind caring person, you need to care for yourself too. Get help for the self mutilating, you don't need any more pain in your life. I can understand the need to hurt physically to try to ease the terrible mental suffering, I feel like stabbing myself through the heart or what remains of it.

 

Caring thoughts

 

Simon

[HeyJude]

Thanks Simon.  I am a very kind, gentle and caring person.  Which is why I can't understand why I don't have any friends.  I know I need to go get help.  And I will.  It is weird, during the times where I am hurting myself all I can think of is that this doesn't hurt near as bad and losing my Jerry hurts.

[msmouse]

Hey Jude definitely seek help! You are always so willing to offer advice to anyone in need on this site.  If you ever want to talk, feel free to contact me. Your words of wisdom certainly help me. Take Care of YOU!!

[Sammijo2424]

Oh Jude, my heart goes out to you, wish I could do or say something to make it better. I think the pain of losing our husbands is so severe it comes thru in a multitude of ways. For me, it has been taking anything that will just make me sleep, all I really wanted to do in last 1 1/2 years is sleep as much as possible and would take anything to achieve that.

My friend, you need to go see someone and get some help with this (but who am I to talk, haha). I am very concerned about you.

For me, it seems God knows I am ready to move forward, this past week when I was out and about with my grandaughter I saw 4 old friends, and I never see anyone I know. Hoping to reconnect with a couple of them. I have spent all my time hidden behind closed doors, shutting out the world, well except when I was going to see my kids, but...they have their own lives, and tired of going and going to see them, they rarely come see me, one daughter has not been here in 6 months. I finally decided people are not going to come to me, so I have to be the one to initiate things, which is not my personality,

The date was kinda a fluke, I had given up since all I talked to was scammers, so one day after not getting on there for 2-3 weeks, I just decided to look one more time. I just sent a message saying hi, nothing more and he sent long message and....then a date, never would have thought it. As of now, I don't think he is someone I really want a relationship with, but as my friend said...it is just a step forward. Kinda gave me a little more confidence and he is someone to go do stuff with. I am not ready for a real relationship, no way. As my friend said....you just have to try, who knows what will happen. The fact that he knew my husband freaked me out, and came very close to canceling, but glad I went, it was fun just having something to look forward to.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[sim-law]

HeyJude, I think some people are naturally more sensitive than others and have more empathy its what makes you such a lovely kind person but it probably makes things worse when faced with such a huge event in your life. I have always been sensitive to others feelings and because of this I am very emotional and, as you, I don't have many friends.

It took me most of my life to find my soul mate (I was 48 when we got together) and 12 years was not nearly enough time together even though we were with each other 24/7 as we were both on disability. 

[MissingDaniel]

Oh Judy, please take care of yourself.  I can't really add anything to what others have said, but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.  My niece has had problems with cutting herself and anorexia, and she is getting help, but it has been so hard.  I just know that you deserve some peace and happiness, and I so want you to find it.  If I lived closer, I'd love to hang out with you

 

I don't have a lot of friends either, but I do have a good friend at work, and a childhood friend that is there for me when I need to talk and who has almost singlehandedly helped me to move forward at times when I didn't think I could.  I'm not sure what I would do without her.  I am sending you all of my good thoughts and wishes.  I hope you can get a handle on it, and if you think you will need help, please try to find it.  Hugs!

 

Andrea

[HeyJude]

You guys are all so sweet.  You have made me feel so good this morning.

 

Marsha - I did not mean to highjack your thread here...sorry  

 

I don't cut.  What has been happening is any little bump or bite I get on my arms and chest have been torn off by picking.  What starts as a tiny red dot is now a huge hole and there are many of them.  My upper arms and chest look like I have cigarette burns all over me. I have to stop this, it is insane.  The minute I am alone at night in my room I start in.  These things don't get a chance to heal because I have to pick at them every single night.  They hurt, bad sometimes.  I am so ashamed of myself.  Now I am going to have to go get a tattoo to cover these damn scars up.  I've been wanting to really bad anyway but won't go with my arms in the condition they are in.

 

Marsha - I do the same thing with pills.  I will take as many as it takes to knock me out at night.  Lately I haven't had a problem sleeping but I did in the past.  I take more than prescribed of just about everything.  I think it is the addict in me...not thing, I know it is.  Don't be taking Ambien though, okay??  That is evil stuff.  Sent me to the ER right after Jerry died.  I got up and was doing stupid stuff without knowing it.

 

I have joined a forum for people who cut/pick/pull/twist...you name it.  So far it is all teenagers.  I hope I can find someone my age.

[needy]

Wonderful news sammijo. Enjoy your self. Judy I kind of understand what you are going through. I use to pick at stuff a little too much years ago when I was under stress and then I just.stopped. My son did with his acne. I have really changed my lifestyle into a more healthy way of.living. I have been exercising a lot and let me tell you they are correct when they say it helps emotionally. I have also.changed our diet to whole.foods that sort of.thing. This wasn't easy but wow the.improvement in so many things is.amazing. My eldest son was.able to cut down his antidepressant medications, youngest son's acne is almost cleared up and my list is long as well. I have gone on talks about.nutrion etc. Since I am typing this on my.phone and my thumbs are ready to fall off I will get.to my point. Google magnesium defiency.

[Sammijo2424]

Well, I had a second date with him, went to dinner then he came to my house for a movie, as we sat on couch I kept thinking no, no, no, this is not right. My husband should be here with me. Was just very awkward having another man in my home, I didn't like it. Kept thinking this man does not deserve to be in my husband's home. He kissed me goodnight and after he left I just kept wiping my mouth off, so wrong, so very wrong. Think I will wait awhile before trying this again.

Thing is that the one person I want, I can't have. I just want my husband. Could not sleep at all last night, I was just so traumatized and been in bed all day. My friend told me, that is ok, this was just a step forward, nothing more.

[Austykatie]

Sammy,

 

I know we lost our loves at around the same time. I admit I actually have dated several times and it never got to the second date. I just felt like I cant connect to anyone and I also always say "we". which some guys just looked at me like I was crazy. I think it takes a special man to date a widow! He has to be caring, understanding and willing to go slow at your pace and NOT his! 

 

I am here to give you some hope! I met this man that has really just taken a piece of my heart a little sooner than I thought he would! It totally surprised me in a way but in a way not as we do have that connection. He has never been thru all this but tries his hardest to understand the emotional roller coaster I go thru! I know that it is right because when I am with him I get that warm fuzzy feeling and cant stop smiling! On one of our first dates he asked to see pictures of me and Jim and our life together. He knows its a huge part of my life and the reason I am where I am today, so he is willing to learn all about it. I have asked God and Jim to give me signs on if this is the right thing to be doing and the minute I start to doubt it or question myself, I will get a sweet text message or phone call from him! I actually went to Jims' grave the other day (which is the first time I have ever been there) and talked to him about it! Maybe that is why it all seems to be falling in place? All I know is that I am happy and smiling when I am with "Farmer boy", that is what I call him! He is s farmer which is so different than anyone I have in my life! Jim was a musician, my ex husband a firefighter LOL. 

 

My advice...if you are not comfortable with it its just not meant to be! However I am so proud of you for taking the chance because that is so hard! Even if you find someone to spend sometime with and just "date" that would be okay. Go on your pace and no one else's and don't let this discourage you from doing it again! It will get easier with time! 

 

Jody

[Sammijo2424]

Katie, thank you for the encouragement, and congratulations to you.

I went out on third date with him last night, he seems to be very understanding of my mixed emotions, has not said a word about my necklace with husband's ring on it. After first date I found out he graduated high school with my husband so he knew him. I had told myself before this last date I would not go out with him again, but...I had fun, actually like him more. Now that the nervousness is wearing off, i was able to be more myself, we laughed and laughed. I don't know what will happen, right now I do not really want a relationship, just dating and friends.

He called earlier and asked if I had plans for tonight because my oldest dtr and her kids will be here on Sunday and staying the month, but they will share time with me and her mother in law, but I won't be able to go much after they get here. I told him no, I didn't want to go anywhere and he texted me that he was sorry if he upset me, he would slow it down and take a few steps back, he is already going at a snail's pace, lol, but I needed a few days to sort thru my emotions, it is all so unsettling. After we kissed some last night, I blurted out...it is so strange kissing someone else, he was very understanding and backed off some.

That is awesome that your farmer boy wanted to know about your life with Jim, and to ask to see pics is really something, ya might want to keep him around awhile. Good luck to you!!

[Austykatie]

Sammi,

 

I am glad to hear that you tried it again! Snails pace is good, infact any pace that makes you comfortable is okay! I felt that after the Farmer boy and I had gone out a few times it got so much easier for him to touch my leg or hold my hand. Even kissed me in public which was so not something I normally would do! The funny thing is it didn't bother me one bit! I have told him several times now that just being around him gives me this peace I can't explain. Even if we end up just as friends I still really appreciate him in more ways than he will ever know! 

 

Just keep your head up high and try to think positive and not to much into it. No pressure is good, just going out and doing something casual and laughing is good for you! If you are not up to the kissing part tell him! I bet he would understand! I found that the more open I am to Farmer Boy the more he responds. This is a new adventure for him as much as me also, so you have to do it together and come up with the rules that makes you comfortable.

 

I am happy for you! Keep us updated!

[backyarder1]

Congrats to both sammijo and austykatie. Did you both meet your new guys on dating websites? I have been registered on a couple of those sites for awhile but haven't had the desire to meet anyone yet. Then again, its only been 8 months since my hubby died. Sure would like a male friend, though. Not one that would try to kiss me. Just one to talk to.

[obakesan]

Hi

personally I think you've done exactly the right things, you've taken it carefully and kept the most important thing a priority ... you love your husband and anyone else in your life will have to accept that.

 

My husband has been gone 1 year & 4 months, I am lonely, so I got on a dating website and have met a man who I have had 1 date with, had a great time, I do not think it is any kind of love connection but just someone to go do things with

 

lovely ... good to hear it.

 

...am I suppose to put pics away, don't really think I am ready to do that, is it wrong to wear ring around my neck on a date, I just don't know.

no, I don't think you should. That would be attempting to conceal the truth. Be truthful and everything will work out for the better.

 

I know one thing today and that is that anyone I am with will have to accept my husband was and always will be a major part of my life, he will always be with me.

exactly, and you stick by that my friend.

[Sammijo2424]

Just wanted to give an update on my dating situation. The first guy is out of the picture. My older brother asked me around July 1st if he could give my number to an old childhood boyfriend, actually my first boyfriend, and I said yes. He called the next day, have seen him every chance I get since then, the first date was 10 hrs long and involved going to church twice that day.

Oh my goodness, I never, ever, ever expected to feel this way again, am crazy about him, and he has already told me he intends to marry me. I don't know about that, at least for a long, long time. But I do know I want to be around him every minute. We just immediately clicked, not like the first guy, with him I kept going back and forth...do I like him, do I not like him. I told the first guy immediately I could not see him again. I still have my moments of feeling guilty, asking myself if I am crazy or what, after the second date I cried for hours, cried over the future I had planned, missing my husband and just being very confused about how I can have such strong feelings for someone else but at the same time still be in love for my husband. I am getting past that now and beginning to understand that it is ok, I can love both of them, he really had me when he said he really liked my husband because he took such good care of me, and he looked forward to meeting him when he gets to heaven, that just touched my heart so much.

[Caremal]

a year ago I meet a nice man on an on line site.    Working out for me perhaps it will for you as well.  My husband was sick a long time before he passed and said to me   go on find someone and be happy again - what a gift he gave me.   Be REAL careful on dating as lots trolls out there.   I knew I was so along and did not want to be that way for ever even when I said NO NO  I will never do that.   I did and it is k.   I know I will always miss my husband yet as my friend said to me and it was hard to hear - I am no longer his wife.  Wow I said to him how can that be  - yet it is true.  I remember my first date it did not happen I  got so sick I could not even go in side the place, turned around and went home - got drunker then I had in 30 years.  OK guys it is ok if we move on find someone and be happy again.   sending all a hug --- later.

[Sammijo2424]

Caremal, so good to hear from you, it is wonderful to hear you are happy. When I first joined you were one of the people that helped me the most, thank you so much for that. My children have mixed emotions about me dating, moving forward is much harder for me than they could ever imagine, so confusing but I love this man, he has no jealousy toward my husband and we talk of him often, says he loves him for taking such good care of me.

The way I look at it now is that my husband is the lucky one, he got to leave all this pain behind. I still have pics of him out in my home, I still talk to him, I even still mourn him but life does goes on and I just chose to move forward with it. I just know for the most part I am happy and at peace, most of the time and know that he loves looking down and seeing me living again, still have times where I cry and cry but my man holds me till I stop and says "it is ok, cry all you need".

I don't know where this will all lead, but sure am enjoying the ride.

[Silvergirl61]

Hi ladies!

   Glad to hear things are going ok for you ...and maybe it gives me some things to think about. Thank you for sharing this.