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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
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JennyC23

Taking crap from family

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JennyC23   

My husband died of a massive heart attack brought on by snorting heroin laced with fentinal. It was a stupid accident. He wasn't a junky, He didn't shoot it up and he wasn't an addict. He used some a few times a year. I just got off the phone with my father. I called him just to say hi and tell him I was writing about what had happened that week. My dear father went on and on about how worthless my husband had been, Talking all sorts of crap pretending he knew every thing about a situation he knew nothing about. He dose that a lot, claims he is the only intelligent, rational person in the world then turns around and talks crap about my husband. My brother killed himself two years ago. My dad had spent thousands of dollars to pay off Paul's bills for him and the selfish, weak, coward killed him self anyway. But to say anything bad about poor sainted Paul just is not done in Gary World but my husband who made a stupid mistake and did not want to leave his family is somehow the bad guy and my dad thinks he has the right to put him down. And the worst thing is he can not see that what he dose is wrong. In his mind he never dose anything wrong, he never makes mistakes. How dare he!

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JennyC23,

I am so very sorry about your husband. I can absolutely see why you are furious. For many people, the mere mention of the word heroin brings pictures to mind of the worst of the worst bums and criminals. Unfortunately, that picture has stuck in most people's heads regardless how untrue it is.

Can you just flat out tell your father to stop talking so badly about your husband? What would his reaction be?

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

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JennyC23   

Thank you for your post, Keep in mind that in my father's mind he is ALWAYS right and everyone else is ALWAYS wrong.

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Jenny -

 

Believe me, I understand how this can be.  If you will look at my user information, you will see that my husband died of a heroin overdose.  I decided when I first joined this group to just put it out there.  It is what it is.  Technically, it was a lethal combination of alcohol and heroin. He had been drinking a did something stupid.  He was never a heroin addict, but he was addicted to opiates for a long time.  But when this happened, he had been clean for 3 years and was doing well.  He would not have even known where to get heroin on his own, but apparently someone around him had some.  He had just lost someone he loved, he was sad, and he got around the wrong people.  Doesn't make him terrible - he made a mistake.  As you said about your husband, he never meant to leave us.  I doubt he was thinking clearly when he did it.

 

But yes, there is judgment whenever heroin is mentioned.  I have felt at certain times even in this group that my loss may be looked at or treated differently than those who lost spouses to illness or pure accident, and that some people might be less likely to interact with me because they cannot relate to this type of loss or think it reflects on me somehow.  It might be my imagination, I don't know.  But I know it has happened quite a bit in "the real world".  I think there is a feeling that your loved one did it to themselves - that they had a choice, and chose badly.  And I guess in a sense that is true, but it doesn't make it any less tragic.  I am sorry that your father is behaving like this.  I agere with Konnie that you may want to ask him to please stop talking badly about the man that you loved and have lost, that it hurts you very much.  If he won't stop, maybe limit your contact with him for a while.  You need to time to grieve and process this loss, and his attitude is certainly not helping.  I am truly sorry for your loss, and wish you healing and comfort.

 

Andrea

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HeyJude   

Your dad is self righteous.  Defined as "having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior."  That is a shame because self righteousness is an ugly trait to have.

 

I would do what Konnie says and just tell your dad to keep his opinions to himself, that this is your beloved husband and the father of your children.  I would add that he should get off his self righteous high horse too but then, that is just me.

 

Andrea - I think that your feelings about people here thinking your loss is somehow less is in your imagination.  There are not too many people around anymore who have not experimented with, used or has a close family member who uses.  It is everywhere.  I myself am a recovered meth addict.  I shocked me when we lived in our nice, tidy, beautiful city of tract houses, all perfectly manicured, that about 85% of the population there were drug users.  All types of people from all walks of life.  It doesn't discriminate.  The ones who looked the part were the ones who were clean..lol!!  They couldn't afford a drug habit. Your loss seems so much more shocking than mine.  I knew mine was coming sooner or later.  Yours flew in out of the blue.  I don't know if I could handle that.  Either way, you are just as important as anyone else here and we love ya!!

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Thanks, Judy.  I appreciate your kind words. You are probably right - I think my experience with my VERY judgmental family has given me a bit of a complex.   What you say about drug use being everywhere is so true.  I don't believe there is a family that hasn't been touched by it in some way.

 

That said, I do have to give my mother credit.  She had never been around drugs in any way, shape or form, but she did come around eventually and gave my husband a chance despite his addict background, and when he died, I believe she was truly devasted as she had come to love him.  Jenny, I'm sorry you can't say that of your father, but I hope eventually he will adjust his attitude.  He sounds like my sister - and that is not a good thing!  

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I am a drug counselor at a prison. I run the therapeutic community for drug addicts. I know there are very good people who become addicted to drugs. I deal with people from all walks of life, including doctors, lawyers, nurses, accountants, teachers, school bus drivers, restaurant cooks, etc.,

The disease of addiction has impacted our nation profoundly, and I have never personally met a family that has not been affected. Many families deal with addiction by denying and covering up the problems.

It is tough to deal with the judgment of others, but hold your heads high and keep moving forward. There are those of us who do understand. We will be here for you.

ModKonnie

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