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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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JCAP329

Family Traditions

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I'm new to this site and have enjoyed looking around. Some things have been very helpful.

I am 26 and lost my only grandparent that ever lived to see me. I was her only granddaughter and we were very close. It's been a year and a half now and my family is just not recovering.

My sweet and precious grandma was the one who held us all together. And I don't think anyone knew that. My mom and uncle are her only two children and they haven't been able to get in the habit of staying in touch. We spent every holiday, no matter how insignificant, with her. Now we have nothing to do with eachother.

I never had a chance to grieve really. Grandma went to the hospital the day after thanksgiving and died 2 days after Christmas. She died of a deteriorating lung disease that hit her quickly. In a month she went from healthy, to on a ventilator, then a bipap and dead. My mom and I were with her the whole time. My mom is so fragile that I've always felt the need to hide my emotions from her so I bottled it all up. Guess I've bottled it up for a while now. Christmas last year hit us hard. For the first time in my entire life, it was just my parents, my brother and I. My uncle and his family shrugged us off. We managed through so-so. Had our moments of tears. Mother's Day was a killer though. My mom cried the whole day.

Sorry I'm rambling but I told Mammaw I would keep us all together. That was what she wanted. But I'm failing miserably. I can't force people to be with us I know. But I just feel like I've lost them all. Like when she died my uncle, aunt and cousins may as well have died too. It's been a year and a half and we haven't seen eachother.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess I just want to hear that it'll be ok

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Hi JCAP,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma and the sadness in your family :(

 

I'm glad you're reading around the boards because it will help you understand that your own grieving will take place as it should, in its own time and regardless whether you've taken on this task.  Don't put pressure on yourself and it will come naturally.  And, I think, it also may help you in understanding more of what your mother or uncle are feeling so you can allow them their confusion, their pain, their quiet time, etc.

 

If it were me and I had decided that I didn't like the disconnect, I would just keep in touch.  It's a tough time for everyone, as you have seen, but maybe even just calling your Uncle to see how he is?  And when you feel like you have a comfortable enough relationship, tell him honestly that you miss the family times and that you're hoping that one day when everyone is feeling better, to take on the job of organizing them.

 

Of course, I don't know what kind of contact you have already had so maybe this would not be successful but basically I have found that honesty without demand to always be the best.  How could he not enjoy his niece phoning just to see how he is?

 

Perhaps there are others who maybe have some other suggestions but I did want to give you my thoughts to ponder.  Be gentle in your understanding for them, loss really does change things.  But with honesty and softness, you may be able to work towards them finally coming together again.

 

<3

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Thank you for that. Been thinking through things all day. Guess I'm sortof afraid of my uncle rejecting me if I reach out and am honest with how I'm feeling. But I'm gonna try it. He and I were always very close so I am probably just overthinking it.

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